Ok I'm back! I had a job interview yesterday that went really well I think. I would take the job if I get an offer. It's back in my home state (where W is now) and would be a two-hour commute by train each way until I move.
Steve, I find myself disagreeing with about half of what you wrote, but I think I disagree more with your judgments about my situation than the recommended actions I should take, so I don't have much to argue with.
The only thing that made me say I saw a small improvement is that W said she may have loved me once, but can't anymore. I thought that was an improvement from what she has told me before, that she never really loved me, that she only married me because I was an engineer and she thought her family would respect her more if she married me. I know it doesn't change anything for our relationship status at the moment and I'm not getting my hopes up over it.
Looking into it more it seems I can't remove W from the car insurance policy unless she signs something herself. Maybe I could just cancel the policy myself and get a new one somewhere else. I'm not sure if this issue is more about the cost of the policy, or about me standing up to W demanding she support herself.
I closed one joint checking account today that only had $60 in it. I will tell her tomorrow and give her half the cash when we meet to hand off son. I'm also going to talk to her about our remaining joint accounts, reasserting that I wish to close them. I will give her two options: she can have half the balance in the accounts and I give her no continuing support, or I move all the money in the accounts to my new private checking account and have her give me a monthly amount she thinks she needs to live on, which I will consider and accept. And I will move direct deposits to my private checking account (one is done already but I have another that I haven't moved).
She said herself that her spending was a form of financial abuse against me. Why would I want to continue sharing accounts with her when she even admitted that herself? Even if she wasn't cheating on me and wanting a divorce, it would be reasonable for me to establish financial boundaries to protect myself from a possible reoccurrence of that abuse.
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- She is living on her own and now can do anything she wants to do. (Remember, Ws don't need to move out for any other reasons than to sleep with someone else or someones else.)
That is probably a factor here, but I don't think it is fair to say that is the only reason she is moving out. Another factor is her not wanting to live with me, someone she believes and/or feels controlled and abused by.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
You're going to give her cash? That's not traceable. Any money issues like allowances should be discussed with lawyers. Don't shoot yourself in the foot.
Don't let her take advantage of you in any way. Get your money right. Her reason to move out is most likely to sleep around.
What did you do that was so horrible?
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
So you believe all this is your fault? COMMON misconception by LBSs. Especially LBHs. Because if we can blame our behavior then we can fix it! Sorry STH but it isn't that easy.
Do what you want but paying her to live separate is NGS to the max. And won't bring her back to you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I acknowledge the fault I had and am committed to making changes around that. Because of our relationship status at the moment though, I am trying to prioritize myself and my son over the relationship. That has been difficult for me because putting the relationship first is something I thought I needed to do as a change to save our relationship. I am having to set that aside now.
I know cash is somewhat risky. In this case because the amount is so small and we still trust each other enough, I'm not so worried about it. I don't have checks yet for my new account, I need to get on that too. Maybe I need to think this through some more, but I've done that for a while already and just need to make a decision and move on. I think I'm leaning towards moving all direct deposits to my checking account, taking half the money out of the joint accounts and leaving the rest for W to budget herself. It should last her long enough to get a job, and I wouldn't be setting up a precedent of support by giving her an allowance. I also just don't want to put myself in the position of giving her an allowance as if I'm her parent. She's a grown woman.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
STH, good new perspectives here. One thing when it comes to money decisions, you may want to consult a lawyer. Generally the legal rule is that unless there is a court order to do so, you are under no obligation to provide her with any new funds. The existing funds is where the issue lay, and a lawyer can make sure you are doing the right thing in your jurisdiction.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Sigh. Today was a tough day for me. I regret not going to sleep earlier last night. Too little sleep always makes me more defensive and irritable, and weak when interacting with W. I met her today to transfer son to my care (i hate talking about my son like that as if he's some piece of property, but I don't know what else to say). She was a half hour late because of traffic. I used the time to clean out my car a bit (spent a lot of time already this past week cleaning out the mess she left behind in it). On my way to the meeting I called MIL to clear the air about the move-out day and how I felt I was not given the autonomy to make my own decisions about seeking support for myself that day. I also talked to FIL last night about same. So that's all fine now. I told them I appreciated their concern and want to maintain a good relationship with them, and that in the future I would prefer direct communication with me and for them to ask me if I need anything and let me decide for myself.
So when W showed up, son was sleeping in the car and when he woke up he was acting angry. He asked if they had to live at grandma's house again next week, sounding like he really didn't want to. W said something like she was sorry there was nothing that could be changed about that right now. I hope I didn't actually roll my eyes at that. Son didn't want to give her a hug goodbye or let her touch him, backing away into me instead. That was strange to me. He didn't really want to talk to me either though. It was really sad for me to see him angry like this. W has been telling me he's been angry a lot more lately.
I told W I closed the one account with $60 in it and asked if she wanted half the cash. She declined it. I asked her if she wanted the $10 I owed her still from the car sale and she did accept that. She asked who was paying the credit cards and I said I would pay them one last time. She said "then we're just not going to pay them anymore!?" I said I wasn't going to be putting any more expenses on the joint card, so it would be up to her to pay it. She sighed and said "ok I guess."
W asked me if I would watch son next week during a couple of doctor appointments she has near our house. I had been doing this a lot before she moved out, and I thought I should take any time offered with son, so I agreed. I wish I had told her I would have to get back to her on it after checking my schedule.
Then I put son in his car seat to leave. I saw W immediately call somebody on her phone. That phone call made me wonder a lot. Who she was talking to, was she reporting what I had just told her, or making plans with OM? And I don't like that I am worrying about one little phone call so much like that. We started driving away and then son wanted to say goodbye to mom. So I pulled over and flagged down W to stop so he could say goodbye. Then we left.
Later I realized I might be a reserve juror next week. I had received a summons about a month ago that summoned me for this week, but I asked for and was granted a postponement because this week was the week my thesis was due for the summer term. I didn't meet that deadline like I wanted to (I've been distracted, can you guess by what!?). I thought I postponed it for only one week, but I can't find any documentation that confirms a new date. Just an email that said I would receive a new summons. Well I don't recall receiving a new summons, but if it is next week that could conflict with the times I just said I could watch our son for W's appointments. So I caved and called W to ask if she had seen any new summons come in the mail. She'd been bringing in the mail the last week or two before she moved out, and we hadn't been speaking much at all during that time.
She answered the phone on the first ring, and sounded cheerful. She said she hadn't seen it but I should check all the mail piles. Then she said she was "kind of working right now and have to take care of some people." okayyy...bye. Then I was feeling angry thinking she got a job without telling me and probably never planned to but still was going to let me continue paying for her life. I've had my interviews on the calendar and she hasn't asked me about them once. I snapped at my son shortly after about something I don't think I would have if I hadn't called W (and stayed up too late last night). Son didn't want to talk to me for a while after that either. It took some time but I made sure to repair with him.
I took son to a church festival in the evening and we had a lot of fun. I spent a lot of cash I normally wouldn't in the past. Old me would have taken son into the church to drink from the water fountain instead of paying $1.50 for a water bottle. Today I bought the water bottle. It was refreshing. Another fun couple of days with son ahead, but I'm still worried about the jury duty thing. I haven't been able to figure out when my new summons date is or if I was even given one, and I am upset that it is going to take more time out of my weekend with son to figure out, if I even can figure it out.
Overall, today feels like I made a lot of mistakes and I'm feeling down about it. I think I need to focus on some positives. Best thing today was having fun with my son at the festival. I'm thankful for that.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
STH- We all make mistakes- it is when we continue doing them over that becomes a problem. Focus on you and your S and the good times do not dwell in negativity. Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
When W picked up son today I told her I didn't know if I would be able to watch son anymore because of possibly having to go in for jury duty. W said she would figure something out. I did have to go in today, but I am done now and was told I don't have to come in at all tomorrow. So do I keep the original agreement I made to watch son and call W to say I can watch him, or say nothing and not tell her about not having jury duty? The first one feels like the "right" thing to do. I'd also get to spend a bit more time with my son, even though I should be working at school.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
I called her to let her know I didn't have jury duty tomorrow. She has childcare covered, I didn't ask how. I came home and found she has been packing up important documents and pictures I don't want leaving the house. It's not snooping when she's packing up things I have equal claim to. She's also taking things I know she has no use for other than to sell, which I would never see the money from. And she took a $60 Visa gift card we received as a Christmas gift. She was going to take son's baptismal stole and papers. She embroidered the stole, but she has rejected the church so I don't know why she would want it. She found the bank folder I was looking for that has our house purchase documents in it. No deed in there that I can see, maybe that's not something that was ever in there? I am not letting her take all these things. There also was the receipt for her engagement ring. I'm not letting her profit from the sale of that either. It wasn't an expensive ring, but all this stuff she's taking to sell can really add up.
Tonight I was supposed to have a relaxing night cooking myself dinner. Scrap that. Now I feel like I have to go around the house hiding anything else I don't want her to take.
Me:30 W:31 S:4 M:7 T:12 PA: 5/6/18 - ? W moved out 7/18
1) I think you can feel free asking any questions that pertain to your son, such as his childcare (as long as it is truly about your son, and not some thinly covered attempt to snoop on her). Even if you split, you will still be involved in and responsible for his upbringing.
2) I would advise you not to worry about petty stuff like things she took to sell. If you have expensive things like a Rolex watch or valuable things like your grandparents wedding rings, you should put them away (safe deposit box maybe). But a sixty dollar gift card is not worth the trouble, in my opinion. Do you think you will remember about this gift card 5 years from now? Even 5 months from now? I do not think so.
3) I missed your posts over the last few weeks. It looks like she has moved out. Why does she still come and go as if your house is a hotel? If she wants to come, she needs a reason from now on. This is your home now, not hers.I would consider changing the locks. You do not need to confront her about it, you can just do it and tell her you have done it.This is what I think at least.
