I would really like to explore the "She knows you haven't detached" Phenomenon.
It seems to be a common thought among you all, and i am curious how this is the case if WIFE and I arent in Communication beyond S3.
I'll give you a specific example of how she knows: When you brought up S3 being with OM all day instead of with MIL. That showed her that you still have a stick stuck in your crawl about OM. And that means she still has power over you.
Remember, you know her (you've made this case many times before), but that cuts both ways. SHE KNOWS YOU. And she can read you like a book. And so any subtle hint that indicates you are still attached, she will pick up on like an eagle spotting a rabbit from 300 feet.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
"OM is a part of S3's life now, and has been for some time. If he is OK to be on S3's pickup list at school, i dont see why he cannot help with pickups and drop offs"
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
The statement about OM also shows not detached. To me it shows you r trying to let her know that you know it was going on while mr. I would never bring up om in conversation.
"OM is a part of S3's life now, and has been for some time. If he is OK to be on S3's pickup list at school, i dont see why he cannot help with pickups and drop offs"
Again, this is too much. It feels as if it is your way of letting her know that you know he is on the list at school. If I can see that so can she.
Forget OM. Never mention him again. If she has him pickup or dropoff that is up to her. Don't worry about how she accomplishes her end of that, just agree to the meeting point and be there.
To excude an air of detachment? Stick to only business. If she asks a yes or no question, then end answer it yes or no. If she asks an open ended question answer with as short of an answer that answers it, but keep it closed. If you have a question for her, ask it but end the convo with the very next text. "Thank you".
Be polite, but not overly kind. Do not share, keep it short. Do not continue asking open ended questions, or expect responses. Let your NOT responding be the end of it, don't think you always have to end it with a text because then you'll feel the need to add a pleasantry.
Her: "So we'll meet at the Target parking lot on Elm Street tomorrow at 3pm."
You: "Ok"
No, OK, thanks for agreeing to that. or Yes, can't wait to see him. or anything else. If you can respond with one word that is best. If you have to use more words use as few as possible.
And if you can help it NEVER initiate the texting. Even if you have to wait until 5 minutes before you have to leave to get him or drop him off. This will give her the idea that she is an after thought.
"Getting ready to head to the dropoff location with S3, will be there in 15 minutes."
When she responds with "Ok", don't respond. Just be there at the right time.
All business. All the time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The statement about OM also shows not detached. To me it shows you r trying to let her know that you know it was going on while mr. I would never bring up om in conversation.
LOL Exactly what I was typing as you were responding.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
OK - I would also add that bringing up OM, discussing OM, in some ways giving her the impression of approving of OM is a very easy way to end up in the friend zone. When my EW told me about OM and then started to go into detail about him I had to cut her off and I told her that unless it involved our D's I did not want the OM to brought up in conversation again.
If I meet him I will be polite and respectful but it will be 100% business and I will only do it for my D's.
Also, when it comes to your S (IMO) there should be no reason to contact your W about him while he is in her care. You have to assume that she is watching out for his best interests and caring for him like she should. I never reach out to my D's when they are in the care of their mom. They may call me on their watch phones but I have never contacted them before bedtime to wish them goodnight or to just chat. IMO this another way you show that you are not detached because in the past when he wasn't available or someone didn't respond you shifted the focus and the questions onto your W and where she was at or what she was doing and why he wasn't with her vs MIL etc.
TBH you have to be like Olaf in Frozen and just "let it go" If you let go of the ledge and just free fall you will begin to emotionally detach.
Again, i dont think this is obsessing. its observing a notable change.
Observing a notable change would be "hey guys W changed her hair color, who knows what she's up to. Now here's a list of my GAL I've been doing: A, B, C, D, etc." What you're doing is way more than observing a change. Why am I hammering this point home? Because I believe it's something that I see repeating in your posts, and something you need to do a 180 on to eventually heal and move on.
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Secondly, you say "She knows". We dont speak, like hardly ever, and never verbally and only about S3. So she has no indication of my desire to know anything. Are you suggesting my wife is clairvoyant or psychic? This confuses me.
There was nothing confusing about it, and your response is just absolutely dripping with passive/aggressive sarcasm. THAT is something else you need to do a 180 on. You constantly waffle between these snarky comments and apologies. I don't say that to offend, you are here to (hopefully) learn about your faults and do 180's on them, and that is a big one. That and the need to constantly defend yourself against points that don't require a defense. When you get called out on your faults you dig a foxhole and pile sandbags around it and put your helmet on. Ask yourself why that is, what nerve we're touching and what you should do about it. If the comments were off the mark, it would just roll off you. But you launch long rebuttals that don't convince anyone but yourself.
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and im not entirely appreciative of people telling ME how I feel, through a computer screen mind you.
I haven't talked about how you feel. I've talked about what you are DOING. Look, I know it's not easy being here and hearing all this stuff. You are hurting and could probably use a pat on the back way more than criticism. But growth comes with pain. We're trying to help you grow. You clearly don't like it, but instead of getting defensive just ask yourself why this is touching off a nerve with you. Do some internal exploration. I got beat up in my early time here and I finally had to just take a few weeks away. In that time I really explored why I was so hurt by it, and I grew from it and I came back stronger. That should be your goal, not convincing me I am "wrong".
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i feel like you have asked me to drop all thoughts, feelings, ideas or assumptions about the woman i chose to spend my life with (i realize that isnt whats going to happen now, its just the magnitude of the impact she had, forever, on my life)
No one here has said anything of the sort. That's just you trying to define everything as black or white when it's really a thousand shades of grey. We are saying give her time and space. Quit worrying about stuff that doesn't matter like her hair. Get out. GAL. Find Orange.
