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OrangeK Offline OP
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M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18
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2 Major breakups.
2 Rebounds
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Originally Posted By: OrangeK
I am shocked but all the guys in my same sitch, all with WW's around age 30.
Me, MTB, Ballast (happened to him TWICE!!!), ovrrnbw, Davide, STH, blackmac and the list goes on.

It is a damn pandemic of WW's.
Perhaps its the "everybody gets a trophy" parenting method rearing its ugly head 20 years later IDK.

But i am heartbroken to see all these great guys, great dads, that gave it their all, resolved to be dedicated family men, and their hopes and dreams were just obliterated.

Nice guys really do finish last i guess, and yet all you see online is women posting about how all guys are A-holes, and that chivalry is dead and so on.
Well the few nice guys where WERE are likely all set with bearing their heart to be smashed a 2nd or 3rd time now, after getting their hearts blended to paste by women who just fester in their problems, not communicating and expecting their husbands to read their minds and just guess what is wrong.

My WW never said A WORD that she was unhappy, or expressed any intent to leave.
She just went cold for a few months, while i scrambled to try and delicately figure out why, and by then she had already been cheating for weeks/months.

I had no chance, she decided before the rings even went ON, that they would come off. Even her choice of wedding band is suspect looking back (a very thin, fine gold hoop, easily put on any other finger and not recognizable as a wedding band)

Such a litigious, materialistic, throwaway society we live in.

I wanted a whole family, and the american dream for my family.
And I am the bad guy, who gets slandered, lied about and prosecuted.

The American Dream has turned into a waking nightmare.

I am just disgusted by the state of marriage and family values in the world today.


Very astute observations. Maybe the participation award society thing does play into it. However I think it is something much deeper and more deceptive.

It is the attempt to erase gender differences in our society. I just heard that schools in Britain are moving to ban girls wearing skirts. Why? Because it is a gender separation.

Feminism. Erasing of gender roles. Boys being raised to not be masculine. All of this is playing into the epidemic of busted marriages and WASs.

I was just at Home Depot the other day. All of the guys 40 and older were dressed like guys. Jeans. Cargo shorts, shoes or boots with socks. Etc.

39 and younger? Flip-flops. Open toed shoes. Pants and shorts that my 15 yo daughter would wear. Even the tops are looking non-masculine.

Now I know I am old school, but my thought was "masculinity is dead!". When I was going through my sitch I came across a guy that does life coaching to teach mean how to be men again. That teaches that masculinity is natural and good, and that women respond well to masculine men.

So yes you definitely touched on something there about societal issues really impacting the male-female relationship dynamic. And the epidemic we are seeing today is the result.

Also, for those guys here that dress the way I describe above, I mean no offense! It was just an observation. Obviously masculinity is more than the threads you put on your body.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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OrangeK Offline OP
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"Yes, you attempt to explain in great detail why you need to know, why you need to obsess over every little thing she says and does. But brother that doesn't make it the right thing to do, it is NOT. You need to learn to LET GO."

I will work on that. I wouldnt call it obsessing over every little detial. If I was "obsessing over every little detail" If that were the case I would still be driving by her house, driving by OM's, creeping social media, and so on.
It was an observance of her behavior. If i was looking to GAIN or ATTAIN something from her because of it, I would be more inclined to agree with you on this.
That being said, I will make more of an effort to distance myself.



---------------------------------------

"STOP OBSESSING. It's unhealthy and unattractive. I'm sure next you will say that you only post about it here and no one else knows, but I promise, your W knows. She senses your unhealthy need to know and understand every little jot and tittle and it is very unappealing to her."

Again, i dont think this is obsessing. its observing a notable change.


I look at it from a point of scientific interest at this point, and im sorry but I have every right to want to understand my Wifes behavior as she will have S3 50% of the time, i need to know what type of person is helping to raise my son.

Secondly, you say "She knows". We dont speak, like hardly ever, and never verbally and only about S3. So she has no indication of my desire to know anything.
Are you suggesting my wife is clairvoyant or psychic?
This confuses me.
She only knows what she sees or is told, so how does she "Know"?


I think i have explained the need behind why i ask the questions I do several times, and each time people chime in to tell me my opinion is wrong. Like flat out wrong. I am self critical enough to admit when I am mind reading or obsessing, this doesnt feel that way to me, and im not entirely appreciative of people telling ME how I feel, through a computer screen mind you.
I truly appreciate your input, as i do with all posters, but to assume you know my thoughts and moods better than I do is a bit presumptive, dont you think?

So that being said, how is this obsessing?
Im not trying to be snarky, honestly curious.

-----------------------------------------------------------

"I'm not saying it isn't "notable", what I am saying is you don't know why she did it and all this effort to spin it into something is just taking you away from what you should be doing, which is going about the business of making your own amazing life separate and apart from her."


Sorry, but I have to co parent and deal with this woman for the rest of my life.
I have a better Idea why she would do something like that than anyone else, rarely do people get to see "Behind the MasK"
I am one of the few that has, i know her better than her parents in some regards.

I am going to notice changes and differences in her. Just like all of you would with your WAW/WW's.
Anyone who says different is a liar IMHO.
I cannot just pretend she doesnt exist, and ignore changes that are so dramatic from the person i Knew.

i feel like you have asked me to drop all thoughts, feelings, ideas or assumptions about the woman i chose to spend my life with (i realize that isnt whats going to happen now, its just the magnitude of the impact she had, forever, on my life)
I am honestly concerned for anyone that can shear off their emotions and connections with someone like that.
I dont know how you all seem to do it, i think it is a Herculean task, and to ask for 100% efficacy in this is unrealistic IMHO.

I know i have further detachment to do, but the expectation of just stopping all thoughts and emotions tied to her just doesn't compute with me.
I honestly dont think that would be healthy to do.


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18
-----------------------------------------------------
2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD
2 Major breakups.
2 Rebounds
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
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OK - I think over time you will stop noticing her changes, especially as you move on and get into your next relationship. I have noticed a pretty big shift with my emotions as I have started talking to and going on dates with other women.

I don't expect you to drop your feelings for your W, it takes time and it's not a light switch. This is your thread and you can post what you want however you could start to make progress by not posting as much about your W. Part of this process is self-control and I do see an opportunity for you to say enough is enough and start to make the shift with posting more about your life, your life with S3, and the good things that are going on.

I am not suggesting you stop posting about your W but that it becomes less and less as you move forward which shows you are making progress and not stuck in a cycle. Hopefully your new IC can help you with this.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
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OrangeK Offline OP
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Joseph, that all makes a lot of sense. I agree posting about Wife keeps my mind on Wife. Sandi and I discussed this.

New Goal: Only post about PDWIFE when she texts me. I really feel a lot more comfortable communicating with her when I can bounce ideas off people here before replying to her.

I will still likely post each day, but with the intention of posting about the following topics.

S3
Health / Fitness
GAL Activities
personal goals (Financial, living, car etc.)
My own feelings (this may touch on WW, but the focus will be on me)

------------------------------------

Another thing, i think i respond and develop best when answering questions. It prompts me to think outside the box i have constructed around myself, and gets my mind on the topics that I am not personally focused on.


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18
-----------------------------------------------------
2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD
2 Major breakups.
2 Rebounds
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
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Please don't stop posting about her just think about it before you do and if it is more mind reading/analysis or if your wanting to get advice on something about an interaction or how she should handle.

I think if you can try to make that shift it will help with your detachment.

I myself do a lot of self-affirmations as well when I start to feel weak, question whether or not I was a good husband/father. Positive self-talk IMO can go along way.


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Joined: May 2018
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Originally Posted By: Steve85
Originally Posted By: OrangeK
I am shocked but all the guys in my same sitch, all with WW's around age 30.
Me, MTB, Ballast (happened to him TWICE!!!), ovrrnbw, Davide, STH, blackmac and the list goes on.

It is a damn pandemic of WW's.
Perhaps its the "everybody gets a trophy" parenting method rearing its ugly head 20 years later IDK.

But i am heartbroken to see all these great guys, great dads, that gave it their all, resolved to be dedicated family men, and their hopes and dreams were just obliterated.

Nice guys really do finish last i guess, and yet all you see online is women posting about how all guys are A-holes, and that chivalry is dead and so on.
Well the few nice guys where WERE are likely all set with bearing their heart to be smashed a 2nd or 3rd time now, after getting their hearts blended to paste by women who just fester in their problems, not communicating and expecting their husbands to read their minds and just guess what is wrong.

My WW never said A WORD that she was unhappy, or expressed any intent to leave.
She just went cold for a few months, while i scrambled to try and delicately figure out why, and by then she had already been cheating for weeks/months.

I had no chance, she decided before the rings even went ON, that they would come off. Even her choice of wedding band is suspect looking back (a very thin, fine gold hoop, easily put on any other finger and not recognizable as a wedding band)

Such a litigious, materialistic, throwaway society we live in.

I wanted a whole family, and the american dream for my family.
And I am the bad guy, who gets slandered, lied about and prosecuted.

The American Dream has turned into a waking nightmare.

I am just disgusted by the state of marriage and family values in the world today.


Very astute observations. Maybe the participation award society thing does play into it. However I think it is something much deeper and more deceptive.

It is the attempt to erase gender differences in our society. I just heard that schools in Britain are moving to ban girls wearing skirts. Why? Because it is a gender separation.

Feminism. Erasing of gender roles. Boys being raised to not be masculine. All of this is playing into the epidemic of busted marriages and WASs.

I was just at Home Depot the other day. All of the guys 40 and older were dressed like guys. Jeans. Cargo shorts, shoes or boots with socks. Etc.

39 and younger? Flip-flops. Open toed shoes. Pants and shorts that my 15 yo daughter would wear. Even the tops are looking non-masculine.

Now I know I am old school, but my thought was "masculinity is dead!". When I was going through my sitch I came across a guy that does life coaching to teach mean how to be men again. That teaches that masculinity is natural and good, and that women respond well to masculine men.

So yes you definitely touched on something there about societal issues really impacting the male-female relationship dynamic. And the epidemic we are seeing today is the result.

Also, for those guys here that dress the way I describe above, I mean no offense! It was just an observation. Obviously masculinity is more than the threads you put on your body.


I think you both have good points.

I lol'd at Steve. I wear flip flops whenever I can.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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OrangeK Offline OP
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Maybe I am an old soul. Or "rustic" lol.
Im from New England, and not an urban portion of it, so perhaps im Just "Hill Folk" lol.

Duty Boots, Poly/Cotton Tactical Pants and a hoodie for me, unless its some swanky occasion like a wedding, or I am on Duty at the Fire Dept. (which i had to resign from due to residency requirement frown frown frown )
Ill find a new one though.

Need the WEE-WOO WEE-WOO in my life.
Big Red Trucks makes OrangeK Give no F**ks (about WW that is, when im in uniform my mind is on THE JOB)


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18
-----------------------------------------------------
2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD
2 Major breakups.
2 Rebounds
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
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Originally Posted By: ovrrnbw

I think you both have good points.

I lol'd at Steve. I wear flip flops whenever I can.


LOL, admittedly I am not a fan of feet. Especially men's feet. So that could play a part in this too.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Apr 2018
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OrangeK Offline OP
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Once it his April i am barefoot as often as possible. In the woods.


M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4
All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18
-----------------------------------------------------
2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD
2 Major breakups.
2 Rebounds
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