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Face,

you do not have to go out of your way to refute her claims, the truth will come out, rest assured. But of course you do not have to play along with her wording. When somebody asks you, it is probably best that you thank them for their concern and say it is a private matter, which in fact is.

Now is the time to focus on you, your family. Try to eat well and healthy, exercise, get enough sleep. I am sure you can afford to drop some weight, buy some new clothes, reinvent yourself, start an affair with yourself.

Stay strong buddy, you are not alone...

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Thanks Vapo - truly amazing support on here - you guys are great.

Just booked some travelling for end of the year and early next year. Time to spoil myself !!

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Yes, Gordie is spot on. And if you read probably any of our threads, you will see that same script. They all say the exact same thing. It's almost laughable, if it weren't so darned sad.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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FaceMan, the mean things Wife or Husband said to the left spouses are 'projection', I don't know if you've read the posts of projection... that's the behavior of MLCer , it hurts very much when the bad things were from our loving wife/husband. Please be reminded, they are not the persons we knew but they will be back some day, it takes time.

Please use the time and focus on you. I know it is very difficult !!! I've been there. It's pretty normal that we feel the pain and we are grieving... allow yourself but please do not stay there too long

Please eat and sleep or do the things you always want to do but had no time to (I took the language lessons I always wanna to but never did before his crisis)

Me 44
H 43
no kids
Married 12 years
Bomb dropped Sep. 2014
He moved out of our apartment May 2015
(my grandma died spring 2012, ever since that, gradually he became cold and distant,
he once told me - I felt something is different after the funeral)

Last edited by Babe; 07/20/18 06:44 AM.
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Hi FaceMan, I just read your thread from the beginning. I could copy paste your introduction post exactly for my story as well as most of your other posts. Yes, it is the exact same script I heard as well.

Before I read the post where you said your W left, I wanted to warn you not to expect anything and that she could leave any day. My W too exhibited very contradictory behaviors and mixed messages the last few months before leaving. Very common signs for MLC.

You are lucky your W is still a good mother. But expect anything to happen. My W is one of the MLCers who checked out from her kids almost entirely. I like what Gerda said that her kid doesn't remember what her old H was before BD. I don't think my W realizes that. She thinks that she has done enough for her kids and it's ok now to neglect them. She thinks they will continue to remember how she was before.

About the script, my W even told me before leaving that she knows she could be happy in our marriage if she tried to work on it, but that she consciously decides not to do that because she has changed and this is not what she wants.

FM, you are asking very good questions about MLC. Why do they behave like this? Is it all them or is it us? What is the end game?

I like what Ciluzen had to say about that. Like all LBSs here, I have read everything there is to read about MLC from the point of view of the LBSs. But I have avoided to read anything from the other point of view. And I think this is part of what is missing. Every time I open an article about MLC that encourages independence, leaving your bad relationships and starting over, I disregard what I am reading as BS. There are plenty of books, articles, forums, videos for people in MLC, but the topics are not very encouraging. So I avoid them.

My point is that people in MLC have their own resources that they read and they have their own support groups. They are in pain and in crisis. They encourage each other to move on. And the world is filled with people who do not believe in marriages or in long term relationships.

I also like what AndreP had to say "Is the apparent change in personality and behaviour part of something that is changing them or is it the them that they always were at their core?”

So what is the end game? I have now accepted that my old marriage is gone forever and that my kids will never live the same family life again. I am still hopeful of a future reconciliation, but I don't expect anything. And I know that my W will not be the same woman anymore regardless of the outcome.


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
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And regarding what other people think, I agree with Vapo. The truth will eventually come out. You should not discuss it too much with others.

They wouldn't understand anyway. No one can understand or believe that someone can change so drastically in such a short period of time until they see it with their own eyes.

No one will understand what MLC is until they see their own S go through it.

So they will always assume that separation was a mutual thing and that it could never happen to their happy marriage.


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
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Hi Kiro - thanks for your insight - my wife is leaving and will do so as soon as she has found a place.

She says she needs to do this to find herself; apparently for years she has been the shy wife just doing what she feels is right, but now she has found her confidence and knows what she truly wants....and that is to go and live alone.

"About the script, my W even told me before leaving that she knows she could be happy in our marriage if she tried to work on it, but that she consciously decides not to do that because she has changed and this is not what she wants."

I've heard exactly the same. Word perfect. My w said she hasn't worked on the marriage because its not what she wants. I asked her what she wants and she said she didnt know !!

My expectations are well and truly at zero - I don't expect my wife to return - whilst she communicates quite coherently, I expect deep down she is in a dark place; lost and confused.

My wife is a great mother. I hope that continues.

I have to love from a distance, detach and look after me. Be a lighthouse.

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Had a really bad day - meeting with a lawyer -

wife won't instigate divorce proceedings immediately but wants to go down the two year separation route. We don't have no fault divorces, where I live. The alternative is I instigate the divorce against her and its all sorted out within six months.

It feels like I would be giving up, but it will be the quickest way to get her out of my life so I can start feeling like me again. We are not even room mates as she won't even spend time with me in the same room.

I don't see any point anymore in trying to be with someone who clearly has no interest in being with me; I understand the intricacies of mlc but the reality is she doesn't want to be with me, so why prolong it.

and then the mixed messages - it just gives me hope on the one hand and then takes it away with the other.

and its another hot summer; she is wearing very little and I'm still attracted to her and love her so much.

This is all so painful. When will it stop.

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Please stop and take a huge breath! Take some time and think about the situation and what you want. If you are ready to start the divorce proceedings, so be it...but do take some time and really think about it and how a divorce will impact your life, i.e., child support, custody arrangements, who will live in the home, will the home be sold at the time of the divorce, etc. These are things that you need to think about w/a clear head and today is not the day to do it because you've just left the lawyer's office.

Breathe! Give yourself a bit of time to mull all of this over and then you will know if you want to proceed w/a divorce to get it over and done with. Whatever you decide, we will support you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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FaceMan: I have been exactly where you are. You are still in the shock and early parts of this. So it all overwhelming and confusing. Our MLC spouses are cycling and are confused and thrashing about, and as long as we are "attached" we find ourselves doing the same, going from hope to despair, from wanting to stick it out to run away, no option is good and everything seems very painful.

So first things first: remember the 3 Cs. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, you can't control it. How you are feeling now I suggest you have to go no contact and separate as soon as possible and as much as possible. If you are in the same house do whatever you can to not spend time with her and reopen the wounds. Seeing her is painful, she looks like that same person, but she is not. And this is very confusing and damaging to us, because it DOESN'T make sense. This is not a normal process, it is a traumatic loss of someone.

Reading back through your thread I see you may want to wait for her, then I see posts where you are in so much pain you just want it to stop. Start by deciding NOTHING right now, just stabilize yourself by separating, find your footing. She will say many things, and be sure of each one when she says it. She may remember what she said next week, or she may remember nothing. But she is NOT snapping out of it anytime soon. So get your footing, and ONLY when you do you can start deciding if and how long you want to stay around, and what are you hoping to do.

Take it one minute, one hour and one day at a time. Stop the immediate pain and damage and try to take care of yourself one minute at a time.

And vent here as much as you need.

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