My wife and I are childhood sweethearts and met in our teens. We have known each other for 25yrs and have been married for 20yrs.;
As soon as my wife hit 40yrs old she quit her job, got herself a new one, had an affair with her boss, claims she is no longer in love with me, claims she has lost attraction, tells me our marriage is boring, rewrote our history, has withdrawn physically, sexually and emotionally; doesn't wish to spend any time with me, seeks significant alone time, shows no incentive to work on our marriage, plans things without me.....the list goes on. The thing that hurts the most is that she doesn't seem to care how I feel.....and never asks.
I am under no doubt that this is a midlife crisis, brought on by bereavement, ill health, serious injury and most of all a lack of fulfilment; the kids are young adults and don't need her like they used to; her immediate family have moved out of the area. She has no hobbies and few interests outside of work;
My wife has told me we should separate so I can go and find someone who will make me happy. I don't believe in divorce or separation. I believe we can work this out if we spent more time together, but she is simply not interested.
I have read an abundance of information on MLC. My path to save my marriage has been rocky to say the least. I started off by doing all the wrong things....until I found this website and Michelle's books.
I am now working on myself, spending quality time with my kids and keeping a low profile; its incredibly tough;
I have no trust, but I can only control myself, nobody else.
This has been going on now for nearly 2years and I am emotionally exhausted; To be ignored on every level, by someone you love and had such an amazing relationship with is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. Of course we had our ups and downs and work, shifts, kids, bills, bereavement, ill health all got in the way, but I never saw this coming at all....its like an alien has taken over my wife!!
My question that nobody can answer, is...."Is there a way back to a loving and intimate relationship with an MLC wife?"
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I had b d in 2016 and it took me 3 months to find d b
It took another year of things gett long much much worse before they started getting better
I am approaching the two year mark
How are you doing at detachment and GAL
What works for you
How can we help
Best wishes
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
And the short answer to your unanswerable question is I hope so
But letting go of w also means letting go of the outcome
Life is more complicated than I knew back before b d
So we have to seize control of what we can which is only ourselves
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
You sound like you are doing very well, walking a good path. This is a difficult journey and can be pretty exhausting. You are almost two years at this, that shows a lot of strength. I am glad you found this board, it can revive you and help you find reserves you may not even know you had. The folks here are good kind people with a wealth of knowledge.
You have definitely figured out your W is In MLC. She has quite a list of signs, and of course the body snatching alien residing in her. I am with you on what hurts the most - the fact that she does not seem to care about me.
I really like the way you phrased that *does not seem to care*, instead of *does not care*. Seem - makes a world of difference to how you view this. I think you get it; somewhere deep inside her she does care. She is just so mixed up she cannot handle it and has buried it for the time being (along with a great many other things).
I am wondering what you meant when you stated - I have no trust. Do mean with W? Or is there now a lack of trust in general? I have some trust issues now, with mistrust bleeding into other relationships. I am curious about, and would like to hear, your perspective.
My perspective on your question - Is there a way back to a loving and intimate relationship with an MLC wife?
In my viewpoint - Yes.
I believe there is more than *a way back*, there are *many ways back*. There is more than just one road to reconciliation. There is not just one unseen mythical path with unknown twists and puzzles that need to be completed in a certain order. There are many paths, just as unseen, but more forgiving on the steps. No single thing you do will drive her away forever or win her back instantly - nothing you do matters and everything you do matters.
The really hard part is that there are two paths that need to converge, yours and hers. You know you can only control you, her actions are a lot more random. So you work on you, be the best you will be, detach, gal, let go, and give it over to a higher power. It is your best chance.
So, is there a way back? Yes, and I do hope she finds it.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi everyone - thanks for your replies. It makes me feel supported, knowing there are others that hear exactly the same script.
To answer some of the questions. At GAL, I'm doing great. - Part time, fitness, hiking, cooking, swimming, more time with the kids, increased my social circle, catching up with family- all good things to take my mind off MLC -
At detachment - not so great. I find it really hard - despite saying she wants separation and inviting her to leave, she is still here. I still find her physically and sexually attractive and its hard - the longer this goes on though, and the more nothing changes, I realise I have to let go; its not a healthy environment for me being ignored on every level. I feel in less emotional turmoil when she is not about.
As for trust- she lied and cheated for four months and in true mlc style, shows little to no remorse. Apologies do not appear very sincere; she appears not to care less about the marriage - her life should be an open book to rebuild trust, but again its all about her and establishing independence. She continues to lie about little things - she has changed passwords on phones and bank accounts, with shallow excuses. Is she still cheating? I can only speculate. She will disappear for days with a good story (visiting family) and I won't hear from her at all; Her behaviour does nothing to rebuild any form of trust. It will take me a very long time and a lot of work on her part to enable me to fully trust her again.
It doesn't matter what I do or say, or not do and not say, I just come against a wall of resistance with her; It all seems in such a downward spiral and I cant see a way back; despite not pursuing or engaging, nothing changes and nothing seems to work. She is in a complete fog and world of her own and only she can find the way out. Its tough....
Faceman, believe me, we know how tough it is! You are doing amazingly well on the GAL side of things, good for you! Took me a lot longer to do that stuff.
For the rest, I read what you wrote and I think I know what is going on, I was there too. You don't believe us when we say how long it is going to take! You think that if you do some of these DB things, she will start to come around and you are frustrated when it doesn't "work." It's not going to work for a looooooooong time. You are doing all those things not to get her to snap out of it. You are doing those things so that you can live life and take joy in it and not become a slave to despair, bitterness, etc. But your doing those things are not going to snap her out of this. It might take a couple years, it might take longer. Your choice is to wait or not wait. You don't have any choice in terms of what she does, only whether or not you are willing to wait through it.
Of course you still have all those feelings for your W -- she is your WIFE and you still love her! I have lived for five years with someone doing all those things, waffling, threatening to leave, etc. Mine doesn't even support my kids financially and often asks me for money. I rarely feel attraction to him anymore but I definitely did when I was at your stage of things, and it is really hard. Now I ask God to return those feelings of attraction and love because I am committed to standing from a faith perspective. But I am not sure how you do it otherwise, though I know that people do.
Anyway, I just wish I could help you accept that this is a long process and that you are only doing all the DB things so that you can make it through the long process, not to end the process.
Sending you lots of courage!
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
I am so sorry to hear, I am sure it is devastating. But everyone is right, this is a long haul issue, and first question is do you want to try to get through the long haul? It is perfectly reasonable to decide you have had enough and face the loss of your relationship and move on. Because even if you decided not to give up you still would have to face the loss of your relationship, and then NOT move on.
It is very hard to change patterns or how we view someone we have shared a large portion of our lives with. Even when our brains understand it is just an illusion. I do not know if this is useful but I always reminded myself of the great saying: definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect different results. So with that in mind why not do something different?
Agree with her about her divorce. Do not push, do not do anything to proceed, but simply agree and tell her to do what she has to do. Validate how she feels and what she wants but you do not have to agree nor do you have tell her about it. One thing about the mind of an MLCer from everything I have read and experienced is there is no such thing as a certain and stable decision. There is a lot of reactivity and whatever is true right now has been true FOREVER. Until it is not.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
