So the W and daughter are due to go out to look at houses. The W comes up to me and says she and kids are going to watch a show in the city and she asks me if i would like to come.
She was telling me a few days before that she could not live with me and didnt want to be with me.
You can't make this stuff up. She's bouncing off the wall. Listen, observe and let it go.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Scoobs, this is totally normal, everything is really by the script. You may get huge drama or you may not; to me the big hallmark is the confusion, and yours is very confused. I am very devoted to pleasing God in my stand and not trying to manipulate anything, so I would say that whenever you can muster the courage, you should go along to anything she invites you to and do not have any R talk but only live in the moment and have a good time. If she pulls any stunts on the trip, just don't reply and keep trying to have fun, the way you would do it with a teenager on a family trip. Or a three-year old! ; )
I also think it won't be useful to keep trying to diagnose if it's MLC. From the outside, it definitely sounds like it, and I can tell you as a mother that her behavior towards her kids is shocking. But either way, don't try to diagnose because the response you should have will be the same as far as letting go, working on you, being kind and unconditionally forgiving/loving whenever you can, knowing that all the plans she is laying for her new life are not going to bring her one iota of happiness so not taking her words as hurtful. Again, as you would with a teenager -- validate but have the confidence that you know how it's all gonna play out so you don't have to be personally hurt by it.
Easier said than done, but try!
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
So the W and D12 return from the house hunting, the W can't wait to tell me about the houses they visited and how the agents acted.
Furthermore, she going out tonignt with friends and staying out, she asks me what the bar is like where she is going too. Before she leaves, she comes outside to where me and the kids are and says bye, but looks towards me as she leaves.
Ive bought 2 books to read over the next few days, no more mister nice guy and codependent no more. This is to go with non violent communication, divorce remedy and 5 love languages.
These are big steps for nne as i dont normally read books.
Scoobs, your W will try to push your buttons until she gets the reaction she wants. It is so very hard to not react until she will tire of it and stop button pushing. That is part of her reality / fantasy / justification, and she will spend considerable energies to keep it alive.
Do not worry about reacting and losing it. Get up, dust yourself off, and keep going. You are seeing her attempts for what they are and know to leave the bait alone. That is half the battle.
Next time, and there will be a next time, you recognize what she doing you can do something different - end the conversation, leave the room, go for a walk, steer it to a less contentious issue, or do not even start to discuss certain topics.
Please do not beat yourself up, we have all been there, and btw you are doing really good.
- - - -
Originally Posted By: scoobs7
...it makes me doubt its a MLC because she doesn't have the major drama that i see so many people having.
What you said, I know what you mean. Gerda above said it quite well - from the outside it sure looks like it. What you need to do is the same no matter what is wrong with her.
Scoobs, I want to ask you a question. Do you think my W is in MLC?
I suspect you would say yes. Please note I am not ignoring or belittling your answer and I welcome any response you would like to share.
My point is in the beginning of all this I did not know if it was MLC or not. I saw some signs, she acted confused, then was so extremely sure of her decisions, then more confusion, and of course there was a bit of drama. The big thing was I just could not believe what happened. I just did not believe this was possible.
I internalized this, felt betrayed, felt terrible, was a victim, and so on. It is near impossible to see the forest when in the thick of the trees.
I had to trust others judgements until mine could get back online. It took some time to figure stuff out. I believe she is in MLC, she is very mixed up.
So to your comment about not seeing drama. I see your sitch having plenty of drama. It is perception. Very hard to see it, when you are living it.
Scoobs, you have more than enough drama in your life. I am sorry about that.
Is your W in MLC. You will figure that out. However, she sure is mixed up.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks for your responses. I will continue my journey of getting a life and improving myself.
So its my anniversary today, me and the kids have been out most of the day. The W knew we were going out, she was at work til 1pm. She messaged the daughter to see if we would be home soon. We came an hour later and she wasnt here. She didnt bother coming back until 5:30. She tells me that the pub she went to was not that good last night and then tells me that she is going to look at another house tomorrow.
I dont like her using the D12 to check on us, so she can stay longer with OM. It rwally sick and twisted.
Like your book selections but also encourage you do do some reading for pleasure
Sports history thriller sci-fi whatever
Really hard to just read and think about relationship stuff all the time
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
And I have let her know I prefer she just communicate with me directly
But I cannot control her
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Due to the school holidays i go into work late and finish late. So i go to my GAL ativities straight from work and get home at 9:20pm. W is on the phone with her friend, so i go looking for the kids and can only find my son. Searching and calling out for my daughter, but no reply. Eventually i find her led down on the bathroom floor, i try to engage ber, but she tells me to leave her alone. So i just leave her be.
I go up stairs with my S10 and stay with him. The w is on the phone for another 30 minutes and then comes up stairs and asks if i have any plans for friday. I say no. She wants go out to friends house warming party. Then i remind her that she has booked tickets to go the theatre at 6.30pm. She responds, i forgot about that, but i can go to the party straight from the theatre.
Later on the daughter is in her bedroom with the music quite loud. The W is going to bed and asks her to turn it down, gets no response, so starts shouting at her. D12 still does not respond, so the W comes upstairs to kiss S10 goodnight and explains that D12 has her music on loud and it needs to be sorted. I ask what is wrong with her, why is she distant, the W says that she is hating W at the moment.so i respond and say ill go and have a chat with her. I get a comment back from W, thats write superdad go and sort it out. I didn't respond. I ask D12 to turn it down in a calm voice, but she does not respond, i then say its a bit late have it on this oud. So she turns it off, and i say thank you.
So the wife is normally asleep by 9.30pm. As i go to bed at 11.30pm her lights are still on. I just go to bed and sleep.
Wake up and go to have my shower and the W has packed 90 percent of her clothes in suitcases. She going 100mph, i think this is why D12 was like she was.
I dont really know how to aporoach this with my D12, as i would like to tell her that no matter what happens that this house will always be here for her. And that if she is staying at mums and doesn't want to be there, she can ring me at any time to come and pick her up. But that would seem like i'm putting pressure on D12. I don't want to do that.
Sorry you are going through this but believe me things will get much easier after she move and things settle down. I got some relief from the insanity and peace. It is also the next step towards whatever outcome you may have. Great job ignoring her super dad comment! My x too would be excited to show me places
I like your book selection and agree with Gordie to try to mix something else in. I thought I would mention 5LLs is on audiobook and also there is a 5LL for Kids (for adults). I wish I could help more with the kids but hopefully someone with tweens can. I can say to make sure they always feel loved and safe with you. You will be their rock through this and you will see them bond with you in a new way. Keep up the good work, you are handling this well.
So we went to the theatre last night. While driving there, the W says i have to pay toeards transfering one of the cars to her. I say no, so she starts off again, with the kids in the car. D12 ask us to stop, so i say ill pay towards it, to shut W up.
Then this morning, i remember she saves money for xmas, so i ask her for half of it, as it is only fair. Boom, she goes mental, she goes at everything and i cant hold back either. This goes on for about 15 minutes. She pushes me and tries to accuse me of being agressive, but i stepped back and she came towards me. I just didnt move back from my stance. She is threatening to see a lawyer as she was leaving.
She was also saying she cannot stand being in the house with me and dreads coming home, so she goes to OM house.
Dont know why, i stay out of her way, im pleasant, i play with the kids, i cook food for both of us. If im downstairs, she stays in her room, but she could go upstairs with S10. But she doesnt. If im upstairs, she watch tv with d12. She has not been bying food for the house, which was agreed.
She said that i had controlled her for 14 years and now that she is standing up to me, that i dont like it. Dont know how i was controlling, she was in charge of all the finances, holidays and other stuff and fads she went through. I worked full time while she stayed in thd house and brought up the kids..
She says she is moving out in a week, im quite looking forward to her going.
I also did something a bit stupid. She was demanding half of everything, so i went and got a saw from the garage and asked her which half of the sofa she wanted.
Scoobs, I am laughing my arse off about the saw. Yeah, it's not a good DB move but that is funny, especially in our MLC LBS world. I might have to use that one some day in a story.
Listen, Scoobs, STOP beating up on my friend Scoobs! You are so hard on yourself! Your W is destroying your family and going to see another man. No human being could bear that. I don't know how you actually bear it without God helping you along. You must have super human strength.
I totally understand your desire to answer her, to vindicate yourself. We all do it, and when we aren't doing it, we are wanting to do it and biting our tongues hard enough to leave a mark. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THAT.
The thing that you will learn is a confidence in yourself and your choices that will allow you not to answer, not to explain yourself. Because I am a Christian, I have a lot of convenient strategies for this! As just one example, I can remember Christ being silent in front of Pilate or just saying, "So you have said." I remember that and then I am able to be silent. Gordie is a master at active listening and I am learning from him, but mostly I just try to remember that I don't need to justify myself, something that is much easier to do when you are thinking of God knowing your circumstances and knowing how hard you are trying to stay in the light -- but something which you can do probably also just out of your own will based on what you have been doing so far!
But you do need to stop thinking that your W is going to see things clearly. She is not able to see what you see. Think about the fact that she wants to be with some slime bag who is willing to break up a family and destroy three lives in order to be with her -- and the fact that he LIKES who she is right now, when who she is right now is HORRIBLE. This is all the proof you need that there is no point in your trying to explain, justify, convince.
I know that everyone here will say to get what is yours and do what is just and all that as far as separation and D. My take is different. I set my H free and if he is not willing/able to help me with our kids and take the responsibility a man should take, I release him. I can see he is incapable of holding down a real job and that he is incapable of seeing how hard I work and how tired I am, let alone that I am a good mom and wife. So I release him. I ask him for nothing. Can you do that? I mean, if you can afford it -- Can you not expect her to buy food or give you half of X-Mas money? Can you release yourself from the slavery of expecting that she will be fair or kind about financial matters? Because you are suffering a lot in your outrage and disbelief. She is going to suffer no matter what, she is crazy right now. But you don't have to suffer this way. Just pretend you are a single father with no resources expect those that you provide. If the D really happens, let the lawyers deal with the nitty gritty. Until then, her diatribes about money are just one other way she can avoid reality and truth. They mean nothing, you do not have to give them any credence right now.
I will try to paste the e-mail I got from my H this morning. He demands money from me pretty often because I won't sell the house and he doesn't work much. I haven't asked him for a penny towards house, kids, food, car, ANYTHING, for five years. But he still has no money and demands that I give him money and then blocks out the fact that the money is coming from my own bank account, my own salary, and not from our joint account which is our rental units. He keeps saying he is not taking money from me but from what is rightfully his. I have given him all our financial info and even created a spreadsheet showing what is coming in and how I am using most of my salary to pay all the debts/expenses not covered by our rentals. He still sings the same song. Why? Because he is not able to see or understand or face the truth.
I've decided how far I am willing to go to keep my family together, and how much I can stand, and I do that and give the rest to God. I try to not even think about what is fair/right, that is not going to happen right now. When I think of it, I despair. I let myself do that sometimes, mostly in prayer, when I can give it quickly to God after a good long cry.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Another thing from last night. She asks me if intend going out on sat, i say no, she says she will go out. I said, no problem, i enjoy spending time with the kids. She went off on one about, what did i mean about that. I can she what she was thinking, but i didnt mean it like that.
So ive been out for a walk with s10. Come home and she comes out and wants to talk about stuff again, i stayed calm and so did she, but she did put a few daggers in by back and tried to bilittle me about my cooking skills. So i walked away. I then came back and she was saying that she despises me at the moment and that if she told me why, i would not understand or wouldnt get it.
She says whenbshe moves out, she wants us to have as little contact with each other due to the toxic atmosphere we currently have. Then she also spouts out that she doesnt know this person anymore, these would be my 180's, she has stated this before.
But she really doesnt like me at the moment, she thinks im keeping the house and most of the stuff in it because the kids will want to stay with me more. I also tolc her to keep the money from the previous conversation as i did not want to take money from tyhe kids.
I just listened and validated this time, no arguments. But she kept saying, im not arguing about this, when i was responding to her questions.
Currently feel like i dont want this woman in my life anymore. I know this will change and i may cycle through these emotions.
She is gone out again to look out houses, she trying to play games with the kids as she is looking at houses that have pools. I cannot compete with a house with a pool compared to the MR house i currently live in. But im hoping the kids will want to stay with both of us.
This also bugs me as she says im getting everything i want. So custody of the kids. W wanted kids, every other Wed, thursday, friday and saturday. I would get the remainder.
I was not happy with this as i said i would never have the kids up late with me, i just get them to put them to bed for school. W stormed off saying you should have them all the time.
So i suggested the following for me.
Every other Sat, sunday, monday,tuesday. She gets the rest of the days. She says this is me fetting my own way. I still think im getting short changed, but it does give me more weekend time to GAL. But i would prefer the quality time with the kids.
If W boss changes her shift patten, then it could cause problems.
My screen was still on your post when I woke up this morning so I will send a quick answer!
Why are you negotiating about kids? Is this a legal separation? You need a mediator to do that, it's too volatile for you to discuss and nothing will ever seem fair -- it's the King Solomon story -- or your saw with the sofa. If she really cared about the kids, she would stay and work it out with you and not choose to have an affair.
Of course you don't want to be with her right now. She is not her. Let her go, don't answer her. You can only be with her when she gets through this, if you decide to wait. If she says hurtful things to you, just walk away without explanation. You are obsessing over everything she says/does, it is going to make you crazy. We've all been there, I get it, I have been totally obsessed and still get that way sometimes but I did manage to stop interacting with him most of the time so at least he doesn't know that I think about what he does/says. Don't worry, you will get to a point where you don't do that anymore. But just for now try practicing not answering even if your mind is still racing. If she tells you you aren't a good cook, just don't answer, just keep doing the dishes or whatever you were doing, or take it lightly, like a teenager is talking to you, e.g., "I'm sorry you feel that way. I do really like the way I do baked potatoes," or something like that. If she tells you she doesn't like who you are now, you could say, "I hear you, I'm sorry you feel that way," or just don't answer. If she says you are getting your own way, same thing, but you could say, it is a really hard situation and not what I want for me or you or the kids. Let's figure this out with a mediator so emotions don't get in the way of what's best for the kids.
Just putting that out there because I know I get so confused in the moment that I say what I don't want to say. Maybe it will help you to see other possibilities here even if you don't use them. DnJ and Gordie both suggested responses to me that I thought about and then actually used in the moment when I wanted to say something else but was able to remember and instead step back and use responses more like what they had suggested.
Either way -- Stop worrying so much and stop thinking so much about what she does/says and stop responding to her! I have to pray a lot to ask God to remove those thoughts from my head but I remember that the DB coach I talked to years back gave me some techniques for that that were secular and that worked for me a little too.
Thank about it -- Do you actually think your kids prefer a pool to you?! They might like a pool but come on! They love their dad!!!! My H is HORRIBLE to my kids and they are still desperate to see him and hang out with him. You are wonderful to your kids, and they are going to hate being apart from you, they will want to see you all the time. Your kids want an intact family, and if they can't have that, they want to see you as much as possible with as little discussion about it as possible. They will not like having to be at two houses, there is nothing you can do about that but keep assuring them that your preference is to have the family together and that you will always be there for them, anytime of day or night. I am very open with my kids and tell them I am always praying for their dad and always waiting for us to have a real family again. You have to walk the fine line between validating their thoughts/feelings (e.g., mom went crazy) and not criticizing her.
Good luck today! Practice kindly silence!
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
We are nogotiating over the kids as she is moving out in the next few weeks to rental. She can only have specific days as she does shift work. I dont want the kids to get too mixed up in this.
She didnt go out after tonight as when we were arguing, i mentioned that D12 was feeling neglected and was chasing W around the house asking is she ok and asking for hugs.
She was ok later on making dinner for us all and speaking to me. Then she goes to bed and ignores me. Shes a nut job. Lol.
I know the kids would prefer me, but she brings up that we should do what is best for the kids.
Shes been packing tonight again, she comes downstairs and cries about leaving sentimental things behind that the kids made and asked me not to throw them away. I said i would never do that, she was sobbing for about 20 minutes after.
Scoobs, she is conflicted and following the same script that all WAW use. Mine would go from wanting to sit on the couch and watch a movie together to "I HATE YOU AND WANT THIS DIVORCE" in a matter of minutes.
Instead of hanging out with the kids and letting her go out, do something different that you have either wanted to do or never thought you would do. She is insulting your cooking skills, take a cooking class or two. I did, it was fantastic and oddly, it was full of people either in process or already divorced. I still talk to several people I met from the handful of cooking classes I had taken. I also took a dance class, not really my cup of tea, but it kept me busy.
I spent the first month or two after hearing "ILYBIANILWY" doing everything wrong. I followed her around, asked her where she was going, who she was with, asked her to look at our wedding album, everything else. Looking back, it was embarrassing. When they say you should GAL, they mean it. I know your kids are going through a rough patch, but so are you. You can't rely on them for support, because they need to rely on you. So get out there and try something new!
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
Your right about the behaviour, she comes home from work stressed and goes straight to bed, her parents call her on the phone while ahes in her room. Shes there a while, then later comes out all happy and sits on the other sofa with D12, we are watching a film, she comments to me about other good films and i should watch them. Crazy nuty lady.
She was also talking to d12 about her childhood, where she thought her parents were aliens and they had to give her special code or pasword to clearly identify them.
I come home from work and no-one is home, they all come home 30 mins later, i say evening to everyone and the W just gives me a grumpy hi. Then 10 minutes later she tells me she is moving out on friday, i say cool. No Dramas, she then tells me that D12 will stay in the house with me friday, while S10 will stay with her.
During our conversation on the weekend the W says we should keep comunication to a minimium and just email bills to each other. I say im fine with that. Then wednesday night she goes to the vet to get the dog checked out, she got some new medication for the dog, she was explaining the dosage to me, which i responded. She then says that i know you dont want to, but we are going to have to communicare more often than you would like. Nutty lady.
W has been packing like crazy. I come home from work on thursday and she is cooking dinner. I go out for a walk with the dog and come back and dinner is on the table and we all sit down. Me and kids are talking and having fun while eating, the W just stares at me for a few minutes, i look once at her and she doesnt move her focus. Its not an anger stare, its just like your looking at somone. So finish our dinner and i go upstairs with the kids and come back down 15 minutes later and thge W is rubbimg her head like she is stressed. I just ignore it and get my drink. She locks berself in the room for 30 minutes, while shes there i go to bed.
Friday - leaving day.
I get up early to have a shower and so does the W, we have 2 bathrooms. She get out of hers before me and proceeds to make herself a coffe. I head to my room to get changed and come out 10 minutes later, she is sat at the breakfasr bar staring at tghe ground and not saying anything. I proceed to pack my lunch in font of her and tben head out the door. I do say goodbye and get a bye back. So later in the afternoon rings me and asks what time i will be home, she wants to pop out for a few hours, but doesnt want the kids with her. I respond, ill be home at 5:30pm, she then asks me am i angry with her, i say no. She then tries to have another conversation about random stuff, but i interupt and say im busy and have to go. Dont really say mutch when i come home as she is nearly finished movikng her stuff. So i take D12 out to get snacks and say bye, she cheerfully says bye. She not here when we come back.
Dont know if i did the correct thing, by just getting on with myself and being pleasant. No long goodbyes, etc.
Today me and S10 go for a walk with tyge dog and i disscuss taking him and his sister away, he says he doesnt want to go anywhere unles all the family goes. I said that i dont think mummy would come, i love your mummy, but she doesnt like daddy at the moment. He then said that his mummy said she misses me, i know she would have just said that to comfort him.
I had to hold back the tears while he was talking like this, as he hasng really talked about his emotions all the way through this saga.
I am so sorry that all sounds very painful. But you are doing great. No matter how much against our instincts it is to not be engaged, to not protect them, to want to see them as before, keep reminding yourself normal rules dont apply. Feel the pain and sorrow, be kind to yourself, and remind yourself of the 3 Cs if it helps (you didnt cause it, you cant cure it, and you cant control it). Take care of yourself and your kids.
Scoobs, that is wonderful wonderful wonderful that your son opened up to you! Keep those lines of communication open and thank him whenever he shares with you! Even with doing that, my S has slowly started to close up since BD five years ago and now it's very hard to get him to talk, and it is really affecting his mental health.
I would not talk to your kids about how she feels about you, I would just really listen and validate when they tell you things and keep assuring them that you will always be there and that when they are with their mom, you are always thinking of them and loving them, and that his mom is always welcome to be with all of you, and that you would like to be a family if that can happen again at some point.
I do not think she was just saying that to comfort him. I think she really really misses you but she will not allow herself to go there because she thinks she will find an end to the pain by leavings so she is trying to be "strong." Once she is gone, she will experience some real highs but mostly she will experience horrible lows, and the being "strong" won't work anymore. Eventually (after a looooooong time) she will hopefully come out of the fog and realize that the problem wasn't you, and that's when you will have to make a decision.
For now it sounds like you are doing great and are being the real meaning of strong.
Last edited by Gerda; 07/18/1805:00 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
So W comes to pick D12 up from my house to take her to hers. Its D12 bjrthday next week, so w says she has asked D if she wants go out, but she doesnt. So W says she going to have a little feast at her house and says i wouldnt want to be on my own on D birthday and asked if i would like to come round and be with them. I said yes, i think i should have said, ill have to see what im doing that night. She then asks if i would want something special cooked, i said no.
I will see D12 in the morning of her birthday as she stays at mine the night before.
I think you should attend your daughter's birthday feast. It's her special day and whatever is going on with your wife should be set aside just a wee bit. You don't have to stay a long time, but it would mean a lot to your daughter if you attended, i.e., long enough for her to see her cake and open her gifts.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hey scoobs. Can't recall if I've posted to you before, but I've been keeping up with your situation. I agree with Job on the birthday feast. As bad as the situation is for us LBS's, the kids are the really losers in this game. Its hard for the kiddos to completely understand whats going on with us and our spouses. I would worry that if you didn't show that your daughter might somehow blame herself for you not coming. Like Job said, you don't have to stay long, but you should go for her sake...even if you will see her in the morning. I am sure it would be very special for her to have both parents at her party if its possible.
Good luck, brother...none of this is easy, but we'll make it through stronger on the other side.
I totally agree with the other posts, and I can say this as an LBS and a daughter of divorce. Your daughter doesn't want to think about your separation or to have to spend any holidays or special days with only one of you. That may be out of her control some of the time, but if you go when you can, you will give her a double gift -- the gift of your presence on that day, and the gift of a model of grace and selflessness under fire that she can go back to all her life.
I also don't think you should ever make any decisions out of bitterness or a sense of paying back or giving W a taste of her own medicine. This will never work and can backfire.
I also think your W is revealing her confused state of mind. That is incredible that she asked what she could cook for you, that is a what a W should do! Maybe she can only do it in that context and when apart from you. In faith-based circles of marriage standers, we'd call that a serious blessing.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Your advise is valued and i will go to see my daughter at her mothers.
Been a hard couple of days as its the 1st time i have lived without the kids being here. Its also the 1st time ive ljved on my own, very daunting. But i did go out for a few beers with mates on one of those days. Bad hangover the next day though.
So wife drops the kids off at mine early this morning, she is sobbing all time she is here, i ask if shes ok (she says she is ok). Then asks when she is allowed to have the dog over at hers, i say anytime, so we arranged a date for her to pick the dog up. She forgets one of the kids school items, so she has to go back for it, 20 minutes later and she is still sobbing. I didnt say too much, i said bye when she left. I think its because she wont see the kids for the night.
You asked if she is okay...that is all you can do. I wouldn't push for answers...just leave her be. If she wants to talk to you, be open and just listen...offer no advice unless she asks for it.
She is in so much pain within that it's difficult for her to maintain the mask of happiness all of the time. She is very confused and doesn't know which way to turn. She will need to work this out for herself. My xh was very similar in the crying mode for a bit and once he got over that little hurdle he was h@ll bent on enjoying life as a teenager once again.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So my son has sports activities on sundays, but one of his pets had died, so he didnt want to go. His mother texts me after she finishes work and ask how his game went and did he play well (although she just wated us to email each other and she hasnt took an intetest in it prior to yesterday). I waited 3 hours to reply as it wasnt an emergency (hoping that is correct. I said he didnt go as one of his pers died. She relied an hour later OMG why didnt you tell me, is he ok? As it was my bed time, i didnt reply until the next day with. I didnt know until he found her, he is ok. (Was i right in my response and times?) My sons pet is a mouse btw, he has 2 left now.
So it also looks like there will be no feast at W house now as the kids want us all to go out for dinner and i have to drive us there, didnt want to spend too much time with her, but looks like i have to, this was all relayed to me by the kids. Any sudgestions?
Im doing to well today, my emotions are all over the place. I dont know why.
Been to pick the kids up and the W wants to talk. She thinks im excluding her out of the kids lives, by not telling her sooner that S10 mice had died, she wants me to tell her how our son gets on at his sports activities, if they won or not, how he played. She asks me to stop communicating through the kids, i just tell the kids what time im picking them up from thier mums. Im a bit spun out now, she was so calm about it. I was getting emotional, so i said i had to leave.
She was saying i know you dont want to talk to me or have anything to do with me, but we have kids. I just trying to follow sandis rules and going a bit dark.
I think the google calendar idea may be a good idea for you
That minimizes contact
And clearly communicates your pickup and drop off times directly
Agree with w this should not go through kids
Yes think important things like a pet dying should be communicated
How he played in his sports game not so much
Not easy to negotiate when you are emotional
So good job at removing yourself from the conversation
Just say I know this is important but cannot talk about it now
Let us schedule a time to do that
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
scoobs7, there will be days like this. You are living a crazy nightmare, your emotions are going to be all over the place. Be easy on yourself, you are doing really good.
You waited three hours to tell her about sons pet. Then she gives you an OMG an hour later. Why the delay from her? She wants quick communication today, tomorrow shell want to keep it to a minimum again. She has already cycled through this before.
Important stuff about the kids do quickly, and I mean really important stuff. For everything else wait 24 hours. Give yourself time to compose and ensure you are not just speaking emotionally.
I had a hard time inserting a delay onto our conversations, I had never put her off before, always stopped what ever I was doing to talk. The delay is not for her it is for you.
Communicate directly with her for things you need to tell her, do not go through the kids. For example, of course let kids know pick up times, but text W the same info. What she does with it is on her.
I am pretty sure you would like her to contact you directly so you may have to lead by example on this.
Try not to worry about her complaints about not communicating quickly about sons games, life, etc... She is pushing buttons, do not react, allow yourself time to respond. My W did the same, now she doesnt; even talk to me or the kids.
Hope your day gets better.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thank you for your advise. It really helped me when i needed it.
So i now text her what time im going to pick the kids up. Which is to keep the peace and leave the kids out of it.
Over the last few days, ive removed my wedding ring and no longer wear it, ive also removed all of the pictures of us together. I just thought its better for my healing process and detaching.
We went out to a local bistro for daughters birthday. Me and w had short conversations about random stuff, but then i was being pleasant with the kids and playing with them. Then her attitude seem to change and get quite cold or distant from all of us. Then she would engage the kids for things, but not say anything to me. Then she practically turned her back on me. Which took me by surprise, but i expected it, it seems to be when me and the kids are playing or talking about our time together. When we leave me and the kids are still mucking around jumping in puddles. When we get to our cars, i say bye to the kids and goodnight to W, she says see ya.
So the next day i text the W to ask what time she is going to pick the kids up, i get nothing back. Later i get a knock at the door and its the W, she appologies and says she only just saw my message. Im not judging. While she is at the door, she asks for other things she has left behind, i get them and search for another thing she wants but i cannot find it. She then asks about the wedding dress, if i have thrown it out. I say no, its in the same place where she left it, i asked her if she wanted it, she says she has no room for it. Ok, ill keep it here until you want it. Two of the pictures i took down are in direct sight from the door, one of them was a wedding picture, not sure if this is why she asked about the wedding dress.
I appreciate all your responses, when i get to a better place, i hope i can also assist like others do with me.
Sounds like your W was getting comfortable and enjoying herself a bit too much at the local bistro. When she realized that her walls had come down a bit, she backed up and put them up once again. When she is like that, just leave her be and go on about your business, i.e., just as you did.
I think you handled her visit quite well. She senses that you are moving on, i.e., especially if she noticed the pictures were taken down. The wedding dress may have been on her mind. They have plenty of time to think of things and sometimes, they ask about some of the oddest things, things that do not pertain to the here and now.
Continue as you have been. Keep the focus on you and your children.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was told last week to not use the kids to comunicate between us. While she has the kids on saturday, she gets D12 to ring me to tell me that mum will drop them off in an hour, they were at the local cafe at the time.
Then today, another one of S10 mice dies, so i send W a message, another mouse has died, S10 is ok. This was 5 hours ago. Ive not recieved a response, i know she was at work at the time, but she would have finished an hour ago. I would ring to see how he was doing.
Other thing she has done this week. Me and the kids play board games most nights. So she has gone out and bought some games to play at hers. Also, when she dropped the kids off, me and s10 went straight into a nerf gun fight, so she was putting some spiel on to s10 that they dont have any at her house.
Is it me? Or is this game playing with me, at the expense of our kids.
She is trying to avoid communication w/you and is using the children to relay messages. I would choose a time and advise her that "we" shouldn't be using the children to relay messages back and forth. Another thought is that her phone was not charged and it was easier to have your child relay the message. However, many of them attempt to put the children in the middle and the best way to handle this is to use the "we" word about not using the children as messengers.
As for her replying to your message concerning the poor mouse, maybe she had something else to do...but it could also be that she didn't consider the message important enough to respond back to you, i.e., there was nothing in it for her...but having to deal w/the fall out of a child losing a pet and she didn't want to deal w/it.
I'm not surprised that she's gone out and purchased games. She wants to appear to be the Disney mom and make her place a fun place to be. Some of them do try to compete w/what a child has at home and most likely she doesn't correct them all that much. It's typical behavior for some of them.
Keep the focus on you and your children. Try not to allow her behavior to get under your skin.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It is amazing how many times their phone is dead. They are using them like a teenager. I have five teenagers in my life and the similarities in Ws behaviour to them is striking. Also much worse.
I am waiting to see W someday at the mall sitting in the floor next to an outlet charging her phone so she can continue with her day.
So although possible, probably just avoiding you.
Nerf gun battles. Now that is fun!
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks for your opinions, they give me another prespective, which is good.
Still the same here, the W is still doing things through the kids. Most recent event was Tuesday, when i picked D13 up from W house. As we are walking to the car D13 said mum picked up from school because she was unwell, then says her and mum had been speaking and my daughter now wants us to have a week at a time, but my son would remain on a different schedule. I was a bit emotional with my daughter, but i said i respected her wishes. I still have to pick her up from her mums to take her to school at 8am, her mother leaves for work at 5.30am.
D13 says she is unwell on Wednesday, so i take the day off and stay with her. Throughout the day she seems ok, so i tell her that she if deffenetly going to school the next day. In the morning i get all tears and i ask her what is wrong, she says she is unwell, i exp.ain that she needs to go to school and i take her. We sit at the school carpark for a few minutes and then she goes of her own accord, i watch her walk in with one of her friends, then proceed to work.
I have a busy day, i have a presentation to make in the city and i had made W aware of this 2 weeks prior as i was having trouble picking the kids up. I told W, i would get one of our friends to pick them up and would get them from the friends house once i had finished.
Two hours later i get a call from W, that she has gone to pick D13 up from school and is taking her to work with her and will let her stay in the staff canteen. I say ill come and get her off you and take her back to mine where can stay until i come home. W says that i dont think she is of stable mind to be alone, my response was that i didnt thiunk it would be good for her to be in a strange environment surrounded by strangers. So i ask to speak to D13, i asked her what she wanted to do. She said to go to mums work. I was ok with that. Then W comes back on the phone and has a go at me about sons school work, which he left at school. Then says why is friend picking S10 up, i am his mother i should have been given the task to do. Holy cow. It didnt affect me that much as this site has helped to navigate these thing. D13 then texts me at 2pm and tell me she is at mums house, W dropped her off and went back to work.
Then lastnight, D13 says mum would like the mop and bucket. I say ok and get it ready for her in the morning. She drops S10 off at 7am, i give her the mop and bucket. She asks how the dog is at my place. I say shes good, we go out for walks twice a day. She asks me do i think she is better here, i say i dont know. W then says do you think she would be better with you full time, i say no as she is the family pet. I asked, dont you want her, she said yes, her sudgesting me having the dog is breaking her heart, she is quite teary while saying this. Then she goes and pushes my buttons and how hard it is for her, struggling to put fuel in the car and its all my fault. My response was that i never made any descisions i just allowed you to make all you descisions. I said the only one i did was that i said to the kids that this was a mutual decision at the start and i have taken a lot of the blame from my kids over this, which is not true. Other things were said, i tried to leave and close the door, we she responded by telling me that this was still 50% of hers and cant do that. I didnt say anything to that.
Then W proceeds to say tha her dad said she should have stayed in the house and fought for full custody of the kids. I have a good relationship with her parents. I said thanks, your perseption of your parents has now affected my emotional connection to them and walked away and shut the door. I shouldnt have said that.
It hasnt really affected me that much, so im still in a good place.
Hi scoobs, what you said near the end of your post worries me a little. Bear in mind my ex tried to get full custody and move off w/om, but if she said it shes thought it and I would keep my guard up.
