Is there hope? Part 2

[scoobs7]

Thanks job.

So my son has sports activities on sundays, but one of his pets had died, so he didnt want to go. His mother texts me after she finishes work and ask how his game went and did he play well (although she just wated us to email each other and she hasnt took an intetest in it prior to yesterday). I waited 3 hours to reply as it wasnt an emergency (hoping that is correct. I said he didnt go as one of his pers died. She relied an hour later OMG why didnt you tell me, is he ok? As it was my bed time, i didnt reply until the next day with. I didnt know until he found her, he is ok. (Was i right in my response and times?) My sons pet is a mouse btw, he has 2 left now.

So it also looks like there will be no feast at W house now as the kids want us all to go out for dinner and i have to drive us there, didnt want to spend too much time with her, but looks like i have to, this was all relayed to me by the kids. Any sudgestions?

[scoobs7]

Im doing to well today, my emotions are all over the place. I dont know why.

Been to pick the kids up and the W wants to talk. She thinks im excluding her out of the kids lives, by not telling her sooner that S10 mice had died, she wants me to tell her how our son gets on at his sports activities, if they won or not, how he played. She asks me to stop communicating through the kids, i just tell the kids what time im picking them up from thier mums. Im a bit spun out now, she was so calm about it. I was getting emotional, so i said i had to leave.

She was saying i know you dont want to talk to me or have anything to do with me, but we have kids. I just trying to follow sandis rules and going a bit dark.

[scoobs7]

Should say, im not doing too well.

[Gordie]

S

We alll have good days and bad days

I think the google calendar idea may be a good idea for you

That minimizes contact

And clearly communicates your pickup and drop off times directly

Agree with w this should not go through kids

Yes think important things like a pet dying should be communicated

How he played in his sports game not so much

Not easy to negotiate when you are emotional

So good job at removing yourself from the conversation

Just say I know this is important but cannot talk about it now

Let us schedule a time to do that

[DnJ]

scoobs7, there will be days like this. You are living a crazy nightmare, your emotions are going to be all over the place. Be easy on yourself, you are doing really good.

You waited three hours to tell her about son’s pet. Then she gives you an OMG an hour later. Why the delay from her? She wants quick communication today, tomorrow she’ll want to keep it to a minimum again. She has already cycled through this before.

Important stuff about the kids do quickly, and I mean really important stuff. For everything else wait 24 hours. Give yourself time to compose and ensure you are not just speaking emotionally.

I had a hard time inserting a delay onto our conversations, I had never put her off before, always stopped what ever I was doing to talk. The delay is not for her it is for you.

Communicate directly with her for things you need to tell her, do not go through the kids. For example, of course let kids know pick up times, but text W the same info. What she does with it is on her.

I am pretty sure you would like her to contact you directly so you may have to lead by example on this.

Try not to worry about her complaints about not communicating quickly about son’s games, life, etc... She is pushing buttons, do not react, allow yourself time to respond. My W did the same, now she doesn’t; even talk to me or the kids.

Hope your day gets better.

[scoobs7]

Thank you for your advise. It really helped me when i needed it.

So i now text her what time im going to pick the kids up. Which is to keep the peace and leave the kids out of it.

Over the last few days, ive removed my wedding ring and no longer wear it, ive also removed all of the pictures of us together. I just thought its better for my healing process and detaching.

We went out to a local bistro for daughters birthday. Me and w had short conversations about random stuff, but then i was being pleasant with the kids and playing with them. Then her attitude seem to change and get quite cold or distant from all of us. Then she would engage the kids for things, but not say anything to me. Then she practically turned her back on me. Which took me by surprise, but i expected it, it seems to be when me and the kids are playing or talking about our time together. When we leave me and the kids are still mucking around jumping in puddles. When we get to our cars, i say bye to the kids and goodnight to W, she says see ya.

So the next day i text the W to ask what time she is going to pick the kids up, i get nothing back. Later i get a knock at the door and its the W, she appologies and says she only just saw my message. Im not judging.
While she is at the door, she asks for other things she has left behind, i get them and search for another thing she wants but i cannot find it. She then asks about the wedding dress, if i have thrown it out. I say no, its in the same place where she left it, i asked her if she wanted it, she says she has no room for it. Ok, ill keep it here until you want it. Two of the pictures i took down are in direct sight from the door, one of them was a wedding picture, not sure if this is why she asked about the wedding dress.

I appreciate all your responses, when i get to a better place, i hope i can also assist like others do with me.

[job]

Sounds like your W was getting comfortable and enjoying herself a bit too much at the local bistro. When she realized that her walls had come down a bit, she backed up and put them up once again. When she is like that, just leave her be and go on about your business, i.e., just as you did.

I think you handled her visit quite well. She senses that you are moving on, i.e., especially if she noticed the pictures were taken down. The wedding dress may have been on her mind. They have plenty of time to think of things and sometimes, they ask about some of the oddest things, things that do not pertain to the here and now.

Continue as you have been. Keep the focus on you and your children.

[scoobs7]

Is this on purpose?

I was told last week to not use the kids to comunicate between us. While she has the kids on saturday, she gets D12 to ring me to tell me that mum will drop them off in an hour, they were at the local cafe at the time.

Then today, another one of S10 mice dies, so i send W a message, another mouse has died, S10 is ok. This was 5 hours ago. Ive not recieved a response, i know she was at work at the time, but she would have finished an hour ago. I would ring to see how he was doing.

Other thing she has done this week. Me and the kids play board games most nights. So she has gone out and bought some games to play at hers. Also, when she dropped the kids off, me and s10 went straight into a nerf gun fight, so she was putting some spiel on to s10 that they dont have any at her house.

Is it me? Or is this game playing with me, at the expense of our kids.

[job]

She is trying to avoid communication w/you and is using the children to relay messages. I would choose a time and advise her that "we" shouldn't be using the children to relay messages back and forth. Another thought is that her phone was not charged and it was easier to have your child relay the message. However, many of them attempt to put the children in the middle and the best way to handle this is to use the "we" word about not using the children as messengers.

As for her replying to your message concerning the poor mouse, maybe she had something else to do...but it could also be that she didn't consider the message important enough to respond back to you, i.e., there was nothing in it for her...but having to deal w/the fall out of a child losing a pet and she didn't want to deal w/it.

I'm not surprised that she's gone out and purchased games. She wants to appear to be the Disney mom and make her place a fun place to be. Some of them do try to compete w/what a child has at home and most likely she doesn't correct them all that much. It's typical behavior for some of them.

Keep the focus on you and your children. Try not to allow her behavior to get under your skin.

[DnJ]

Job is spot on.

It is amazing how many times their phone is dead. They are using them like a teenager. I have five teenagers in my life and the similarities in W’s behaviour to them is striking. Also much worse.

I am waiting to see W someday at the mall sitting in the floor next to an outlet charging her phone so she can continue with her day.

So although possible, probably just avoiding you.


Nerf gun battles. Now that is fun!