Is there hope? Part 2

[scoobs7]

Thanks for the support.

Your right about the behaviour, she comes home from work stressed and goes straight to bed, her parents call her on the phone while ahes in her room. Shes there a while, then later comes out all happy and sits on the other sofa with D12, we are watching a film, she comments to me about other good films and i should watch them. Crazy nuty lady.

She was also talking to d12 about her childhood, where she thought her parents were aliens and they had to give her special code or pasword to clearly identify them.

I come home from work and no-one is home, they all come home 30 mins later, i say evening to everyone and the W just gives me a grumpy hi. Then 10 minutes later she tells me she is moving out on friday, i say cool. No Dramas, she then tells me that D12 will stay in the house with me friday, while S10 will stay with her.

[scoobs7]

So the last couple of days..

During our conversation on the weekend the W says we should keep comunication to a minimium and just email bills to each other. I say im fine with that. Then wednesday night she goes to the vet to get the dog checked out, she got some new medication for the dog, she was explaining the dosage to me, which i responded. She then says that i know you dont want to, but we are going to have to communicare more often than you would like. Nutty lady.

W has been packing like crazy.
I come home from work on thursday and she is cooking dinner. I go out for a walk with the dog and come back and dinner is on the table and we all sit down. Me and kids are talking and having fun while eating, the W just stares at me for a few minutes, i look once at her and she doesnt move her focus. Its not an anger stare, its just like your looking at somone. So finish our dinner and i go upstairs with the kids and come back down 15 minutes later and thge W is rubbimg her head like she is stressed. I just ignore it and get my drink. She locks berself in the room for 30 minutes, while shes there i go to bed.

Friday - leaving day.

I get up early to have a shower and so does the W, we have 2 bathrooms. She get out of hers before me and proceeds to make herself a coffe. I head to my room to get changed and come out 10 minutes later, she is sat at the breakfasr bar staring at tghe ground and not saying anything. I proceed to pack my lunch in font of her and tben head out the door. I do say goodbye and get a bye back. So later in the afternoon rings me and asks what time i will be home, she wants to pop out for a few hours, but doesnt want the kids with her. I respond, ill be home at 5:30pm, she then asks me am i angry with her, i say no. She then tries to have another conversation about random stuff, but i interupt and say im busy and have to go. Dont really say mutch when i come home as she is nearly finished movikng her stuff. So i take D12 out to get snacks and say bye, she cheerfully says bye. She not here when we come back.

Dont know if i did the correct thing, by just getting on with myself and being pleasant. No long goodbyes, etc.

Today me and S10 go for a walk with tyge dog and i disscuss taking him and his sister away, he says he doesnt want to go anywhere unles all the family goes. I said that i dont think mummy would come, i love your mummy, but she doesnt like daddy at the moment. He then said that his mummy said she misses me, i know she would have just said that to comfort him.

I had to hold back the tears while he was talking like this, as he hasng really talked about his emotions all the way through this saga.

[MarvinF]

I am so sorry that all sounds very painful. But you are doing great. No matter how much against our “instincts” it is to not be engaged, to not protect them, to want to see them as before, keep reminding yourself normal rules don’t apply. Feel the pain and sorrow, be kind to yourself, and remind yourself of the 3 Cs if it helps (you didn’t cause it, you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it). Take care of yourself and your kids.

[Gerda]

Scoobs, that is wonderful wonderful wonderful that your son opened up to you! Keep those lines of communication open and thank him whenever he shares with you! Even with doing that, my S has slowly started to close up since BD five years ago and now it's very hard to get him to talk, and it is really affecting his mental health.

I would not talk to your kids about how she feels about you, I would just really listen and validate when they tell you things and keep assuring them that you will always be there and that when they are with their mom, you are always thinking of them and loving them, and that his mom is always welcome to be with all of you, and that you would like to be a family if that can happen again at some point.

I do not think she was just saying that to comfort him. I think she really really misses you but she will not allow herself to go there because she thinks she will find an end to the pain by leavings so she is trying to be "strong." Once she is gone, she will experience some real highs but mostly she will experience horrible lows, and the being "strong" won't work anymore. Eventually (after a looooooong time) she will hopefully come out of the fog and realize that the problem wasn't you, and that's when you will have to make a decision.

For now it sounds like you are doing great and are being the real meaning of strong.

[scoobs7]

Thanks gerda.

I have said this to both my children.

So W comes to pick D12 up from my house to take her to hers. Its D12 bjrthday next week, so w says she has asked D if she wants go out, but she doesnt. So W says she going to have a little feast at her house and says i wouldnt want to be on my own on D birthday and asked if i would like to come round and be with them. I said yes, i think i should have said, ill have to see what im doing that night. She then asks if i would want something special cooked, i said no.

I will see D12 in the morning of her birthday as she stays at mine the night before.

I could still cancel.

[job]

I think you should attend your daughter's birthday feast. It's her special day and whatever is going on with your wife should be set aside just a wee bit. You don't have to stay a long time, but it would mean a lot to your daughter if you attended, i.e., long enough for her to see her cake and open her gifts.

Just my two cents.

[sjohns6]

Hey scoobs. Can't recall if I've posted to you before, but I've been keeping up with your situation. I agree with Job on the birthday feast. As bad as the situation is for us LBS's, the kids are the really losers in this game. Its hard for the kiddos to completely understand whats going on with us and our spouses. I would worry that if you didn't show that your daughter might somehow blame herself for you not coming. Like Job said, you don't have to stay long, but you should go for her sake...even if you will see her in the morning. I am sure it would be very special for her to have both parents at her party if its possible.

Good luck, brother...none of this is easy, but we'll make it through stronger on the other side.

[Gerda]

I totally agree with the other posts, and I can say this as an LBS and a daughter of divorce. Your daughter doesn't want to think about your separation or to have to spend any holidays or special days with only one of you. That may be out of her control some of the time, but if you go when you can, you will give her a double gift -- the gift of your presence on that day, and the gift of a model of grace and selflessness under fire that she can go back to all her life.

I also don't think you should ever make any decisions out of bitterness or a sense of paying back or giving W a taste of her own medicine. This will never work and can backfire.

I also think your W is revealing her confused state of mind. That is incredible that she asked what she could cook for you, that is a what a W should do! Maybe she can only do it in that context and when apart from you. In faith-based circles of marriage standers, we'd call that a serious blessing.

[scoobs7]

Thanks marvin, gerda, job and sjohns.

Your advise is valued and i will go to see my daughter at her mothers.

Been a hard couple of days as its the 1st time i have lived without the kids being here. Its also the 1st time ive ljved on my own, very daunting. But i did go out for a few beers with mates on one of those days. Bad hangover the next day though.

So wife drops the kids off at mine early this morning, she is sobbing all time she is here, i ask if shes ok (she says she is ok). Then asks when she is allowed to have the dog over at hers, i say anytime, so we arranged a date for her to pick the dog up. She forgets one of the kids school items, so she has to go back for it, 20 minutes later and she is still sobbing. I didnt say too much, i said bye when she left. I think its because she wont see the kids for the night.

What should i do when she is like this?

[job]

You asked if she is okay...that is all you can do. I wouldn't push for answers...just leave her be. If she wants to talk to you, be open and just listen...offer no advice unless she asks for it.

She is in so much pain within that it's difficult for her to maintain the mask of happiness all of the time. She is very confused and doesn't know which way to turn. She will need to work this out for herself. My xh was very similar in the crying mode for a bit and once he got over that little hurdle he was h@ll bent on enjoying life as a teenager once again.