So the W and daughter are due to go out to look at houses. The W comes up to me and says she and kids are going to watch a show in the city and she asks me if i would like to come.
She was telling me a few days before that she could not live with me and didnt want to be with me.
You can't make this stuff up. She's bouncing off the wall. Listen, observe and let it go.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Scoobs, this is totally normal, everything is really by the script. You may get huge drama or you may not; to me the big hallmark is the confusion, and yours is very confused. I am very devoted to pleasing God in my stand and not trying to manipulate anything, so I would say that whenever you can muster the courage, you should go along to anything she invites you to and do not have any R talk but only live in the moment and have a good time. If she pulls any stunts on the trip, just don't reply and keep trying to have fun, the way you would do it with a teenager on a family trip. Or a three-year old! ; )
I also think it won't be useful to keep trying to diagnose if it's MLC. From the outside, it definitely sounds like it, and I can tell you as a mother that her behavior towards her kids is shocking. But either way, don't try to diagnose because the response you should have will be the same as far as letting go, working on you, being kind and unconditionally forgiving/loving whenever you can, knowing that all the plans she is laying for her new life are not going to bring her one iota of happiness so not taking her words as hurtful. Again, as you would with a teenager -- validate but have the confidence that you know how it's all gonna play out so you don't have to be personally hurt by it.
Easier said than done, but try!
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
So the W and D12 return from the house hunting, the W can't wait to tell me about the houses they visited and how the agents acted.
Furthermore, she going out tonignt with friends and staying out, she asks me what the bar is like where she is going too. Before she leaves, she comes outside to where me and the kids are and says bye, but looks towards me as she leaves.
Ive bought 2 books to read over the next few days, no more mister nice guy and codependent no more. This is to go with non violent communication, divorce remedy and 5 love languages.
These are big steps for nne as i dont normally read books.
Scoobs, your W will try to push your buttons until she gets the reaction she wants. It is so very hard to not react until she will tire of it and stop button pushing. That is part of her reality / fantasy / justification, and she will spend considerable energies to keep it alive.
Do not worry about reacting and losing it. Get up, dust yourself off, and keep going. You are seeing her attempts for what they are and know to leave the bait alone. That is half the battle.
Next time, and there will be a next time, you recognize what she doing you can do something different - end the conversation, leave the room, go for a walk, steer it to a less contentious issue, or do not even start to discuss certain topics.
Please do not beat yourself up, we have all been there, and btw you are doing really good.
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Originally Posted By: scoobs7
...it makes me doubt its a MLC because she doesn't have the major drama that i see so many people having.
What you said, I know what you mean. Gerda above said it quite well - from the outside it sure looks like it. What you need to do is the same no matter what is wrong with her.
Scoobs, I want to ask you a question. Do you think my W is in MLC?
I suspect you would say yes. Please note I am not ignoring or belittling your answer and I welcome any response you would like to share.
My point is in the beginning of all this I did not know if it was MLC or not. I saw some signs, she acted confused, then was so extremely sure of her decisions, then more confusion, and of course there was a bit of drama. The big thing was I just could not believe what happened. I just did not believe this was possible.
I internalized this, felt betrayed, felt terrible, was a victim, and so on. It is near impossible to see the forest when in the thick of the trees.
I had to trust others judgements until mine could get back online. It took some time to figure stuff out. I believe she is in MLC, she is very mixed up.
So to your comment about not seeing drama. I see your sitch having plenty of drama. It is perception. Very hard to see it, when you are living it.
Scoobs, you have more than enough drama in your life. I am sorry about that.
Is your W in MLC. You will figure that out. However, she sure is mixed up.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Thanks for your responses. I will continue my journey of getting a life and improving myself.
So its my anniversary today, me and the kids have been out most of the day. The W knew we were going out, she was at work til 1pm. She messaged the daughter to see if we would be home soon. We came an hour later and she wasnt here. She didnt bother coming back until 5:30. She tells me that the pub she went to was not that good last night and then tells me that she is going to look at another house tomorrow.
I dont like her using the D12 to check on us, so she can stay longer with OM. It rwally sick and twisted.
Like your book selections but also encourage you do do some reading for pleasure
Sports history thriller sci-fi whatever
Really hard to just read and think about relationship stuff all the time
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
And I have let her know I prefer she just communicate with me directly
But I cannot control her
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Due to the school holidays i go into work late and finish late. So i go to my GAL ativities straight from work and get home at 9:20pm. W is on the phone with her friend, so i go looking for the kids and can only find my son. Searching and calling out for my daughter, but no reply. Eventually i find her led down on the bathroom floor, i try to engage ber, but she tells me to leave her alone. So i just leave her be.
I go up stairs with my S10 and stay with him. The w is on the phone for another 30 minutes and then comes up stairs and asks if i have any plans for friday. I say no. She wants go out to friends house warming party. Then i remind her that she has booked tickets to go the theatre at 6.30pm. She responds, i forgot about that, but i can go to the party straight from the theatre.
Later on the daughter is in her bedroom with the music quite loud. The W is going to bed and asks her to turn it down, gets no response, so starts shouting at her. D12 still does not respond, so the W comes upstairs to kiss S10 goodnight and explains that D12 has her music on loud and it needs to be sorted. I ask what is wrong with her, why is she distant, the W says that she is hating W at the moment.so i respond and say ill go and have a chat with her. I get a comment back from W, thats write superdad go and sort it out. I didn't respond. I ask D12 to turn it down in a calm voice, but she does not respond, i then say its a bit late have it on this oud. So she turns it off, and i say thank you.
So the wife is normally asleep by 9.30pm. As i go to bed at 11.30pm her lights are still on. I just go to bed and sleep.
Wake up and go to have my shower and the W has packed 90 percent of her clothes in suitcases. She going 100mph, i think this is why D12 was like she was.
I dont really know how to aporoach this with my D12, as i would like to tell her that no matter what happens that this house will always be here for her. And that if she is staying at mums and doesn't want to be there, she can ring me at any time to come and pick her up. But that would seem like i'm putting pressure on D12. I don't want to do that.
Sorry you are going through this but believe me things will get much easier after she move and things settle down. I got some relief from the insanity and peace. It is also the next step towards whatever outcome you may have. Great job ignoring her super dad comment! My x too would be excited to show me places
I like your book selection and agree with Gordie to try to mix something else in. I thought I would mention 5LLs is on audiobook and also there is a 5LL for Kids (for adults). I wish I could help more with the kids but hopefully someone with tweens can. I can say to make sure they always feel loved and safe with you. You will be their rock through this and you will see them bond with you in a new way. Keep up the good work, you are handling this well.
