V and exquisitetobe - thank you for the references to those resources. At this point in my journey they don't appear compelling to me. I'm cruising along right now reasonably well.
job - I've noticed my old thread has been locked. Could I trouble you to link it when you have a moment? Thank you.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hopefully this post won't go kablooie - there's a big copy/paste section part of which was in Spanish. I think I identified the problematic letter. Perhaps this will work.
Not too much happening these days. The recent stress that I had about my ex has deflated and I myself am somewhat deflated. I expect to not hear anything much about her for the next while and am walking my own path. I do feel much more detached than I did a month ago.
Of note, the new roof on my front porch should be being completed today. Things not unsurprisingly didn't go the way that the contractor expected and he's having to adapt. Some material he had brought wasn't needed and some things he needed he didn't have. He's supposed to torch the new (flat) roof down either today or tomorrow. The existing railing isn't re-usable so I need to figure something out at some time. If my house doesn't burn down today then I will have a significant repair done that I had been putting off for some time. That makes me feel good.
The colleague that said that she was interested in walking with me hasn't been available so I teased her about it a few days ago telling her that if she "did" in fact want to walk to just instruct me and that I would be happy to join her. I have no idea if she has any interest in me or not but she is quite sweet and I've been fond of her as a person for many years.
I've been giving some head-space lately to my hero Don Quixote and some random internet searches came up with the bit below. It perhaps describes my current state - without we hope the whole dropping dead part.
Extracted from a paper on the Alonso Quixano syndrome. I did not receive advance permission. I hope the authors do not have an issue with that.
Authors D. Ezpeleta, Servicio de Neurologia, Hospital General Universitario Gregorio Maranon, Madrid, Spain R. Lopez Velasco Psychiatrist, Sanatorio de Usurbil, Guipuzcoa, Spain
At the end of the novel (Part 2, Chap. 74) "he succumbed to a fever that kept him in bed for six days", recovered his sanity and renounced his condition as a Knight Errant: "Senores," said Don Quixote, "let us go slowly, for there are no birds today in yesterday's nests. I was mad, and now I am sane; I was Don Quixote of la Mancha, and now I am, as I have said, Alonso Quixano the Good. May my repentance and sincerity return me to the esteem your graces once had for me, and let the scribe continue".
Alonso Quixano, formerly Don Quixote, died three days later.
"Here lies the mighty Gentleman who rose to such heights of valour that death itself did not triumph over his life with his death.
He did not esteem the world, he was the frightening threat to the world, in this respect, for it was his great good fortune to live a madman, and die sane".
One of the questions that has stirred up the greatest interest in Cervantes's work is why Don Quixote died sane when he had been crazy in life. There are several explanations. In the last pages of the book, Don Quixote suffers from fever and, following a deep sleep, actually awakens reneging on his status as a Knight Errant and decrying books of chivalry. Cervantes's decision to bury his hero might well be due to the need to prevent apocryphal author(s) from publishing further adventures. On the other hand, Cervantes saw his own end close; burdened by debts, difficulties and problems and, above all, in ill health, he may have opted to bring his hero and his masterpiece to a close (October 31st, 1615) as a projection of his own farewell (April 22nd, 1616). Another possible explanation for Don Quixote's final sanity is that, in the medicine of his day, it was thought that the mad recovered their sanity when death was at hand, a fact that Cervantes might have been familiar with and could have used as kind of swan song, a coda to the life of the now sane, but forever remembered as crazy, Alonso Quixano the Good.
We propose that the eponymous "Alonso Quixano syndrome" be applied to those patients who improve and even seem to be cured unexpectedly and fleetingly of their main illness but are suddenly cut down by death. The people who know this well are the nursing staff, always closer to patients; ask them.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I've been giving some head-space lately to my hero Don Quixote and some random internet searches came up with the bit below. It perhaps describes my current state - without we hope the whole dropping dead part.
Andrew,
I just want you to know that you're bat sh*t crazy. There's no way you're going to die any time soon.
Awwe - Thanks doodler. I'm a whole lot better than I was 2 years ago when you were part of the crowd that hauled me back from the brink. I do have a doctor's appt in a couple of weeks to reiew a biopsy though ... As far as sanity / crazy goes - the only normal I know is the setting on my dryer.
I think the Quixote / Quixano thing is similar to the red pill / blue pill thing that some people talk about. Perhaps like you in some ways, I'm much less of a romantic than I used to be I think. I'm not sure what I think about that. There's a growing and increasingly loud chorus of people instructing me to date but I won't date just for the sake of dating. On a positive note with that, one of the ladies I work with and who I am fond of has quit today effective in a couple of weeks and in response to my note bemoaning her impending absence she encouraged me to keep in touch with her. We'll see where all that goes. She's sweet and kind person with I think an underlying spine of steel having worked in diplomatic missions in a rather nasty part of the world in the past. Not to mention very smart, a sense of humour, at least tri-lingual and yes - pretty darned amazing to look at. About 6 months ago we were chatting about single vs non life and she mentioned that she was happy without a partner but I think she looked wistful when she said it. She has 2 boys who I believe are pre/early teen and her ex-husband is on another continent.
Another good thing about her leaving is that she shared a cubicle with the other lady at work that I'm kind of sweet on which certainly felt a bit awkward even though I've been careful to stay on the professional side of friendly.
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A bit of a rant. My roof still isn't quite done and I must say I'm not keen on the guy's work or practices. Tuesday he borrowed my extension cords and I found them under a pile of debris. Today my extension ladder was left on the lawn rather than in the shed where it was when I left this morning. What kind of roofing guy doesn't bring his ladder? He also left a bunch of tools laying out on the roof when he left similar to his prior day of working here. I like to think you can tell a lot about a workman by how they treat their tools.
The work itself is somewhat sloppy and the framing doesn't extend all the way out to the edge of the decking by about an inch on one side. S23 was home all day and didn't see the guy working although S23 doesn't emerge too often.
S23 checked out the work with me when I got home and was unimpressed with the appearance of the roof decking. It's a bitumen roofing membrane - comes in rolls and has to be "torched down". It's black and scuffed in a few places. I don't like judging a person's work mid-job but am not impressed.
The key thing is that the roof doesn't leak now. I have the skills to tidy up the trim-work and such. The price was reasonable and he was available when I needed the job done. The "professional" roofers couldn't fit me in until close to the fall.
I think the guy is the sort that we've seen on the other side of our stories here. Probably late 50s with a shiny new motorcycle, at least two shiny trucks. He laughs a bit too knowingly at my ex-wife jokes. His own wife is a tiny mousey thing that does not act like an equal partner. I'm a fairly big guy but he makes me look small.
Well - I don't have to kiss him. Hopefully he'll finish the job tomorrow and I'll write him his cheque. He certainly won't be getting recommendations from me. And I'll have a non-leaking roof that will allow me to work on the inside of the enclosed porch without worry. I'll also need to figure out a railing system to put up which was not included in the job. The existing railing is too rusted to re-use and one of my cousins came by today and grabbed it, probably for the scrap value.
Time for me to get to my dishes. A man's work is never done ....
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well - I think the roller coaster is leveling off and just in time for the long weekend.
My darned roof still isn't finished and I must say that I continue to be unimpressed with the contractor. Yesterday I picked up his tools and misc stuff from the roof deck and put it away out of the weather. It's supposed to get up into the 30s today and a few of his things were stuck to the bitumen last night. From the outside things now look more or less tidy. My home office will probably smell like tar for a while but at least there won't be any damage to the roof by stuff being left on it in the hot sun.
I had a nice lunch yesterday (brisket sandwich) with a friend / colleague and he told me a bit more about the nice lady colleague who is leaving. It turns out that she's moving to Florida and is in some financial distress. It's perhaps a sign of my own progress in that my reaction was more of a "dodged a bullet" than "I will rescue the fair princess!". I will probably follow-up on her suggestion that we keep in touch though.
I'd been curious if my ex had in fact unblocked me on Facebook and it's been itching at me for some weeks. So last night I unblocked her. Can't see her profile so she must still have me blocked. I have to wait 48 hours to re-block her. I think more than anything that seeing her with OM a week or so ago is helping me to detach. It did cause a twinge but is for the best.
Should be a good and busy weekend. I'd hoped to work on painting the roof trim but that needs to wait. Lots on the list and given the heat I'll take it slow. The lady at the flower shop made a point of telling me that I need to be there early today as she's off to Toronto for some reason or other.
SIL1 was pressuring me again yesterday to ask the flower shop lady out trying bribery this time. I was supposed to get together with my brothers and their partners and my nephew at my youngest brother's farm last night but SIL1 told me that they wouldn't be there so I bowed out. She did invite me to dinner there tonight but I asked for a rain-check. I'll probably have a couple of beer as I work through my list today and don't want to drive. From the poor spelling and disjointed nature of SIL1's messages yesterday I think she had had a few herself which perhaps explained why the short notice change of plans. Ah well - they're retired and can do whatever they want.
I had a lovely call with D26 yesterday morning as I drove in to work. She's off for a harbour cruise this morning on the aircraft carrier that her husband is stationed on. She says that she more or less knows what his schedule will be up to deployment and where they'll be going. She did mention that it all has to be approved by Congress before it's official so I don't know where she'll be for sure but in the past it was supposed to be San Diego. I'm hoping to visit her in September again but this time we may go to DC and do some museum visiting and perhaps stop at a Ben's Chili Bowl (inside joke). She seems to be doing fairly well even after giving up her dog. It was very tough on her but her stress level seems way down now.
I did talk a bit about my dating options and such and she advised me at one point that she was giving me an eye-roll. It would be lovely if she and her H came up here for a visit but I don't think she's ready for that as of yet. I have more flexibility than them to travel around as well.
I still need to decide what to have for dinner tonight. I may BBQ up some steaks. Not sure if S23 will be joining me or not. He often plays poker on Saturday nights. He wrote bacon on the grocery list which is one of my "triggers". The butcher shop is on my agenda but I may just get him the cheap bacon from the grocery store. I did notice a big block of the cheese his mother likes in the fridge along with the fact that he ate the last of my lunch meat and a couple more of the Melton Mowbray pork pies. I've gotten one so far of the latest batch.
I was a bit startled mid-week when I ran in to a neighbour who seemed to be doing poorly. He's maybe about 10 years older than I am and he and his wife have both been having problems with his wife losing so much weight a year or so ago that she's almost skeletal. I'd thought perhaps it was his leg acting up again as he seemed unsteady but it seems that he had a minor stroke recently. He seemed very stressed by it and the medications that he's on now - some of which I've been on and so he seemed reassured by that. He's having to give up drinking and smoking which will be a challenge for him especially since he and his wife own the local brewery. I hope he recovers ok both because he's a nice man and also because his business is a big attraction in the village and employs a modest amount of people. His kids are grown and moved away and I don't believe have any interest in the business.
Well - time to hop in the shower and head off for my erranding.
For my fellow countrymen (and women) - Happy Canada Day!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I had a nice visit and perhaps a few too many drinks with my neighbour on Saturday night. Sunday was low key as was today.
I decided to do the house-cleaning this weekend and it went fairly smoothly. I'm getting practice at this "adulting" thing. Having an extra long weekend meant that I could take my time and got the entire list done in one go.
A baby cardinal fell out of my apple tree but seems to be doing ok sitting in the grass. Hopefully the roofer won't disturb it assuming he's back tomorrow. The resilience of the wee bird is astounding. I'd actually run over it with the lawn mower (didn't appear to hurt it) and had presumed it was dead. When I went to get it though it was still breathing so I left it be. As I was BBQing dinner on Saturday night I saw the parent birds flying back and forth feeding it. Given the number of feral cats in the village I'm surprised it survived. It just goes to show the tenacity of life.
I suggested today to S23 that he drive us over to get ice-cream. He did not too bad although I had some heart palpitations when he started to washboard on the gravel road. He has challenges steering straight while shifting. He drove both ways and kept his temper while getting very frustrated a couple of times. He went past a corner and so he had to turn around in a lane-way stalling several times but not putting us into the ditch (it was a close call). Leaving the ice-cream place he stalled the car a "lot" while there was an audience. He did have me drive the first and last miles in and out of the village. Our drive-way is tricky and the street is busy here especially with vacationers heading home.
I was very pleased that he held his temper. He does have a fiery one just like his mother. I did half expect him to get frustrated and give up but he didn't.
I think I did OK - making positive noises on the regular event of him doing something well or better than a prior attempt. I do wish his mother would assist but that's not a thing.
I don't know what the dynamic is between S23 and his mother. There is one thing that stands out as quite bizarre. After his grandparents died I was tidying the kitchen and the old paper-towel holder which I had been debating tossing turned out to be a gift to my ex from her mother back in the early 90s. So I cleaned it up and gave it to S23 to pass on. He's seen his mother several times since then, but the holder is still sitting - front and centre in his room and has been for close to 6 months now I think. Part of me thinks that this is a passive/agressive move on his part. It is very obviously "placed". I do wish that I could talk to my kids about their feelings with what has gone on but they both are silent on the topic of their mother. I don't think that they're holding out hope for us getting back together though. Whether they even would want that or not I can't say.
While S23 and I were out I brought up the family (really just my) budget and asked if he still needed me to make his student loan payments. It turned out that he recently paid off almost half from his savings a couple of days ago !!! I did forewarn him that he'll need a couple of thousand for car insurance plus new tires on the car. I need to re-think some things though. I've noticed our grocery budget has gone up by probably 20%. We do go through a fair bit of meat though not to mention that S23 is probably eating more since he started working in construction. I need to make sure that I have enough in the budget for new car payments this fall along with higher for me car insurance payments since it will be a new vehicle.
On a whim on Saturday night (beer = bad choices sometimes) I unblocked my ex on Facebook. I've been itching to do that for some weeks. It does appear that she still has me blocked. Facebook obliges you to wait 48 hours before re-blocking someone which is fine.
While I had my ex unblocked on Facebook I did a basic search and a number of pictures posted of her and of us by others popped out. Nothing since she left though. We looked so very happy. Was that real? I think so. I was a bit surprised that seeing those didn't trigger me or really cause any pain. I do know that even relatively recently the main pictures on her page included a number of similar happy couple shots of us. She herself to my understanding has never posted anything that includes or mentions OM.
Part of me still wants to understand. To have some "reason" why she blew up our family and our life. To know that she has found whatever she ran away looking for. But there's just nothing.
She's blocked again now.
I do still find it bizarre how she has gone turtle and even after 3 years makes no acknowledgement of her relationship with OM. She has on a couple of rare occasions gotten tagged by his friends. OM isn't on social media at all. I did find that a special class reunion of his that they were expected to attend that they were a no-show. I did speculate with the person who passed on the info that perhaps she's working on isolating and controlling him like she did me. She used to be so very prolific showing off the good life that we had and the socializing she did with her various friends. Now - nothing.
There's construction starting just south of the village for several months. The most logical alternate route takes me past my ex's apartment / store she work in. There's a slightly less logical route that bypasses it.
Am I over her? Yeah I think so - as much as anyone can be. That doesn't mean that I'm plunging into the dating pool. Sadly since 50% of the women I had been interested in dating have become unavailable I may have to open my eyes a bit more to the people around me. I am in some ways somewhat surprised that none of my family or friends have tried to set me up with anyone but haven't counted on that.
For now, I'm not seeing my single-dad status changing much. S23 may or may not move out before the end of the year. We all agree though that he has a pretty sweet deal going on here. In fact a short while ago there was a tap at his door as the "dishes fairy" announced his arrival. I like having the dishes done so I do them. I think he would only do them if he runs out of something. Similarly to his laundry (which I don't do).
Well - time to sign off. I've got meetings tomorrow at the corporate office. Some sort of big announcement which might impact my job security. Ick.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
What do you think it would look like if you were not over her?
Because from here, based on your posts, you seem very much not over her.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
So it turns out that 75% of the company that I work for has been sold to a large multi-national competitor. The higher profit 25% is being kept by the owner - who was sitting next to me during the meeting announcing this - and I'm supposed to stay with that bit.
I'd sent a message to the kids mid-day letting them know what was up and how there was uncertainty about the future.
After I got home S23 wandered down, grabbed a beer from the fridge and we had a talk about our days and my concerns and options about the future. I talked honestly about the fact that I have job security for at least 2 and probably 6 months at a minimum. S23 didn't have a lot to offer as suggestions but we did chat about my options. Quality of life vs professional satisfaction vs risk.
Of the people on my team I perhaps have one of the more stable roles but it is in many ways currently unsatisfying. I have a good relationship with the 2 company presidents who will be part of the group I will be in along with the COO who I had an "off the record" chat with at lunch. If I've learned nothing else over 54 years though it's to not trust being safe.
One of the things that bothers me a bit about my current life is the whole "operating without a net" thing. My ex made less than I did but enough to cover the bills for a while if things had gone South for me. I feel the loss of that. More so though I feel the loss of a partner who I can talk honestly about these things and who would be supportive. For all her remembered flaws, she was very protective of me. She was also a lot more risk-averse than I which makes her dancing off with the fairies thing a bit bizarre.
So - 2 months before the deal gets closed. Job security for that time. 6-9 months while the new owner digests and on-boards the part of the company they bought. Highly probably job security for that since I'm the "data guy" and know where most of the bodies are buried having placed them myself.
Do I shift to the multi-national which is not the intent of management? Do I continue in a less than satisfying role in a smaller company where I have influence? Do I open door #3?
I don't know.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew, I am in a very similar position to you in terms of living without a safety net. I too am a contractor in the IT industry, although in my case I work for very large corporations/governments via a contracting company. It means I get to maximise my income, but I have no access to paid leave for training, sickness, annual leave or anything else.
Mostly this is fine for me. XH has been less than generous with the money he gives me for the kids (one is at home and the other comes home for weeks at a time to eat, drink and party) whilst charging me as much rent as he thinks the market would bear. I need the money I earn to pay the investment property mortgage, the rent and my share of the mortgage for the place I live in.
The great thing about my job is that I use a skill set that is internationally portable. Whilst it's not what I do, I do know as a part of my job that finding buried data is definitely a skill set that commands a very good daily rate - especially in my part of the world!
The other thing I've learned is that there is precious little loyalty in business when it comes to employees. There really does appear to be the idea that we are all just commodities - sometimes in plentiful supply, sometimes hard to source, but always interchangeable with others of the same skill base. That said, I've always found recruiters who value what I have to offer - and with your qualities I strongly suspect you'll always find a place to welcome you.
So Andrew, you're soon going to be in the same place as me. When our youngest child finally leaves the nest, we too are as free as birds. Living where you live now, working where you work now, is something you can do if you want- or you could try living somewhere else, or somehow else. You could maybe rent your house out for a year and try living overseas (working for the multinational - or not), or in the big city. You have a zillion choices in front of you - which you can sort through, examine, take up or discard.
I think that is something super exciting and definitely worth a few long chats with your good friends over a bottle or two of beer or nice red. Changing your career is going to be a bit easier than changing your love life by the looks of it!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
LOL - I'm not sure if you are one of the people that have found my IRL profile. I am indeed the world's worst hide and seek player. Not sure gorgeous is the right word . "Still has his own hair and teeth" maybe
Originally Posted By: Vanilla
Besides I think it's possible to buy those bits from eBay, they are usually inflatable. I think you can even buy vibrating ones.
I've seen some of the horrifying robotic options being experimented with.
The village pub posted that they are considering having "singles nights". No details are available. The owner was widowed late last year. Her son and mine are quite good friends. Perhaps she's doing the "if the mountain doesn't come to Mohammed" although it may be a bit early for her. A colleague of mine who was widowed at around the same time and was an absolute wreck seems to be doing better. Still wears her wedding ring but is much more functional. We all process grief differently.
On Friday I said goodbye to a co-worker - one who I was somewhat sweet on and perhaps the feeling was mutual. I've connected to her on social media and she does indeed look very high maintenance. She's moving to West Palm Beach where a very attractive and outgoing lady like her is undoubtedly going to find someone suitable if that is her wish.
I'm still processing the implications of the changes coming up at work. With 75% of the company being sold there's a substantial risk of me being "rightsized" after the transition is complete. I've had some long conversations with my "work daughter" on whether it would be a good choice for either of us to try to go to the new owners on that side of the wall. They are a large German multi-national. One of the top 2 in the industrial chemical business in the world. From what I've been able to gather they aren't a great place to work.
The pros of me staying include: - I have a good working relationship with the two presidents of the remaining divisions and have had for years. Much better than any of my colleagues. - Stability - My pension - Being able to date my former co-workers without conflict of interest
Cons: - Still working and probably more closely with my idiot boss who I really don't like. He thinks we're "buddies" though. - Poor opportunities for professional growth - Poor work/life balance with my killer 160km each way commute increasing to 170 roughly and through worse traffic - Risk of downsizing
For my work-daughter and I, we would have more chances for promotion and also get experience with more marketable tech than what she has now if we switch.
I'm thinking of reaching out to a former colleague who now is a director at a software company based out of Manhattan. He works mostly locally but spends a week or so each month at corporate. I'm not a big fan of corporate travel liking to not have to get dressed up to eat breakfast.
I have about 2 months to decide if I want to switch to the German multi-national. I figure that I have at a minimum 6-8 months of job security if I stay. If I do get tossed to the curb unexpectedly I can reasonably expect nearly 1 year's of severance. However in my profession in tech you have a stronger position I feel if you have a job than if you don't.
I've talked this through with a few people including S23. None of them really have anything definitive to suggest.
Not too much else happening. My roof is almost finished. I'm not real happy with the work but it is what it is. The guy was by yesterday morning and indicated that he would be done in an hour or so so I gave him his cheque then. He asked for an extra $100 because he said some of the trim cost more than expected so I did that. I know well how freelancers live on tight margins and I figured that by not being a d@ck that he would finish the job as well as he could. There is only one piece of soffit to go and some trim. I can then put up the door frame and will eventually put up some railing. I'm trying to decide what / if I could put on top of the bitumen to make it usable as a place to sit. I have no idea at present. I wasn't able to sit out there on the former steel roof either so I'm not losing anything.
The bake shop around the corner did up "butter-tart cupcakes" and they were divine. Kind of like a coffee-cake in texture. I brought one home for S23 and he quite enjoyed it as well.
I haven't heard anything much about my ex in the last while. I did have a bit of a LOL when I heard that she posted a copy/paste thing from one of her new friends that went on in detail about not trusting people who lie or cheat. I suppose she has her own narrative about how she ended up as she is. Perhaps she even believes it. I did check out this other person's profile and they have a consistent theme about problems with liars. The truth will perhaps out at some time. Or perhaps not. My family is very well known in the area though and the first question anyone would be asked is "are you related to ..."
I think that I'm getting really close to starting to date. Perhaps I might ask out the lady from the flower shop again. When I first asked her out 18 months ago she first said yes but then backed off because "her life was too complicated". I've been a lurker on the plenty of fish and match.com sites for a long while. There's quite a mix of people there. I pay special attention to the profile comments from ladies about things they don't like on guy's profiles.
Well - it's a lovely day outside so I should go out and take part in it.
I'm posting today because I had yet another disturbing dream last night. In this one I'd reverted back to the bargaining stage with my ex. As often happens, super realistic but I did know it to not be real in this case.
I had been waffling towards enabling my POF profile. There's a lady on there who's been there for a while. She changed her profile a while ago - less sexy photos, and a very simple message that she was looking for someone and she would KNOW when she found him. Perhaps that's what triggered the dream. Maybe it's me she's looking for. Dunno. I'm still reluctant to put myself on the open market. Things would then move at a speed that I am not currently comfortable with. Meeting people naturally and getting to know them is much more my speed.
I do have no insight into my ex's life at all beyond what I occasionally hear which is no real change in the last couple of years. I am grateful that she doesn't circle around or try to triangulate me in any way.
Another one of her old friends has reached out to me on Facebook in a semi-random way. No messages, just a friend request. I doubt that this particular person would be doing it at the behest of my ex although I'm confident that she has someone watching. I could be wrong though too. I've nothing to hide. I do think though that until she has someone permanently in her life that she'll keep thinking of me as a plan B. Indications are that OM is carefully keeping her at arms length but again I have so little information that I don't know that for sure. I've not checked for a while but expect that she's still living in her apartment and not with him. Given how needy she was for validation and companionship for our entire marriage I can't see her being happy about that. I did get the impression that she didn't want the divorce although she did file for it. I think she was carried along by other forces including her lawyer who wrote into the agreement that she would file based on my request and not her client's.
The changes in S23's manner and behaviour have solidified. He's acting much less entitled and is more considerate. This may sound trivial but it's worth mentioning. I was late making dinner for myself last night (creamy tomato soup and grilled cheese - a favourite comfort food my ex used to make) and S23 and I had to work around each other's need for the stove. As usual after I ate I did up what dishes there were asking him for any he might have. He assured me that the one he was using that he would wash it later (he made himself chicken caesar salad) as he knows that I like having a clean counter. This morning it was indeed washed (and left in the drying rack). I was very pleased with that much. Usually he would just either leave the dirty dishes in his room or on the counter.
It's little things like this, consistently seen that are pleasing me.
He's also more open to helping me around the house, giving me his opinions on things, asking about my day and telling me about his etc.
He's still not put much effort into driving practice. I wish his mother were available to assist. I suppose I could ask but I won't. I could also nag / suggest more but if it's something he wants then he needs to put in the effort.
My roof is finally done and the contractor has cashed his cheque. I'm not happy with how I did the door sill and S23 and I stared at it for a while but had no ideas on how to improve it. I believe I have the door frame trimmed to the right width for the aluminum door to go back in. The trim all needs to be painted and I picked up a can of paint last weekend. I was pleased with myself yesterday because "before" I pulled out the construction adhesive I changed into "work clothes". My ex used to refer to them as my "snotty" clothes in a joking manner because the lumps of dried adhesive and paint looked like ... you know. One change I made since bomb-day is that I do try to clean up and dress well every day even if it's just me and the cats so don't wear those old work clothes as much. I had been tempted to not change but could hear my ex nagging at me in my head to not ruin yet another shirt. And then I made my own choice to change. "He can be taught!"
Had my doctor's appt yesterday morning to review the biopsy results from my colonoscopy. All clear. I do have a condition called diverticulitis which only means that I need to be somewhat careful about what I eat. As always there's the close questioning about whether I have diabetes. Even with all the weight that I've lost I'm still a larger than the average bear kinda guy. I don't but because I mentioned that I have blurry vision first thing in the morning he's asked me to go see my optometrist so that appointment has been made. The optometrist has mentioned in the past that he's seen signs of either diabetes or high blood pressure in my eyes. And I certainly have had the latter.
I did write late yesterday to my old friend who works out of Manhattan asking for some guidance on my job search. I need to put some effort into that. I'm still confident that I have job security for at least a number of months though. I also think that if push came to shove that S23 would help out with the bills.
Anyhoodles. I should get back to work. I'm working from home again today and my cat Amy has been very needy. She's currently laying across my arm kneading her paws in the air. Cats and touch-screens don't mix it would seem but I don't have the heart to shut her out of the office. I think she's been having her own version of "the lonely" lately. I expect the girls don't even remember my ex any more though and all the hours they used to all spend curled up on the couch watching TV together.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I'm posting today because I had yet another disturbing dream last night. In this one I'd reverted back to the bargaining stage with my ex. As often happens, super realistic but I did know it to not be real in this case.
Hey man, that wasn't your XW, it was me, the doodler guy. Little blue dress, sexy legs and a feather boa, right? Yep, that was me.
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
Meeting people naturally and getting to know them is much more my speed.
I love technology, and after my divorce I dived right into OLD. I was thinking how much better it would be than the old fashioned approach. I was so wrong.
Part of my issue with dating is that my life is very good right now and I'm very busy. I'm a bit fearful that I'll booger things up by dating. I don't want to get caught up in drama and I certain don't to shackle myself emotionally. I like the idea of meeting someone casually and letting things grow from there. What if it never happens? No big deal, there's a world of adventure out there and I plan to take advantage of it.
Hey man, that wasn't your XW, it was me, the doodler guy. Little blue dress, sexy legs and a feather boa, right? Yep, that was me.
LOL - No. Short, fat with grey hair wearing comfortable PJs. Her legs were anything but sexy. Huge varicose veins not to mention cellulite. She did have a charming smile and could be very engaging until the conversation wasn't about her.
Originally Posted By: doodler
I like the idea of meeting someone casually and letting things grow from there. What if it never happens? No big deal, there's a world of adventure out there and I plan to take advantage of it.
Indeed. I did send a one-line message to the former bank teller asking if she had subjected her sons to juiced chicken (yes it is a thing it would seem). Got a nice response back today earlier. I mentioned that I missed seeing her and "don't be a stranger" then shut it down 'cuz we both had work to do. If she is interested she'll remember that she did promise me fresh baking in exchange for said juicer and reach out. Otherwise - well - she is a lovely person and I enjoyed interacting with her for the last 2 years.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hmmm - I think I might have had a lunch date today.
I have a busy-body dear friend and colleague at work who has been explaining to me for almost 2 years, often accompanied by some swear words in English, Hindi and Urdu that I really need a woman in my life.
I had noticed in recent months that he had been often in the company of the women I work with who he knows that I am fond of. When I'm around legitimate business seems to be being conducted but the pretext sometimes seems thin.
Last week he had arranged that he and I would go out for lunch at a sandwich place he recently discovered and then had invited along one of the ladies on the list. We went out today and had a lovely time. As part of "showing trust", just being helpful, and since I was in the back seat, I started up the navigation to the cafe on my phone and casually handed it to my female colleague to do the actual navigation. I've actually done this with other women I've encountered. Handing over my phone to the bank teller lady to browse pictures of my vacation, showing pictures to the lady I had my single semi-official date with last October and then leaving the phone on the table while I went to the loo. Not sure if this is noticed as significant in showing "trust / trustworthiness" but for those of us who had former partners with secrets I think it is a good indicator.
Lunch was good. We all ordered the same thing to the amusement of the staff. We three chatted a fair bit about the implications of the corporate changes and our options. The female portion of our party wasn't very chatty but seemed to be enjoying herself. The busy-body portion of our part dropped comments several times that I needed to have someone in my life which the other two of us ignored.
After I made a point of stopping by my female colleague's desk and chatting briefly and mentioning how much I enjoyed lunch and hoping we would do it again soon. Talked about our plans for the weekend. She seemed happy to chat but didn't have much to say. I did suggest that she had lots of stories to tell and I'm sure she does.
Certainly not nearly as exciting as Ginger's dates and perhaps just my imagination that it "was" a date, but a good day and perhaps the start of something good. And perhaps not.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Busy and very expensive weekend. Car service in the morning. S23 unusually wanted to run errands with me probably because he'd run out of beer. I had nudged him to stay in the car as it was raining (only a tiny bit) when I went in to get my roses. It may or may not be my imagination but the lady at the flower shop seems to be getting prettier in the last few weeks. I think she's lightened her already blonde hair. If S23 hadn't been there I might have remarked on how nice she looked. I do think that I am indeed getting really close to actual dating or at least asking for dates.
I had suggested to S23 that he accompany me for the afternoon errands which involved travels on back roads so that he could practice driving but he declined. The mechanic mentioned that the clutch "felt funny" so I got an estimate for repairs and also talked to my salesman. It's looking like getting the car through the winter even though I will need to invest in new tires might be in my best interest. If S23 keeps dithering on getting his license that may all work out for me.
The afternoon errands involved quilt shopping. My neighbour who had suggested that she could make me a new quilt for roughly $700 recommended that I go to this shop in the middle of nowhere run by an Amish family. They are mainly a fabric store but make some quilts to sell as well. I think it was unusual for a single man to show up in the shop but the very knowledgeable lady helped me out and also left me alone very appropriately as I checked the available quilts. We did talk about the fact that I had kept my grandmother's quilt for 30 years, I asked about fabric (straight cotton). I think I got some respect by mentioning that for example white didn't suit because it would be harder to care for and talked about the challenges in keeping an old quilt in repair especially since my talents don't run towards fine needle-work. Eventually I settled on one particular one. After looking at it for a while it essentially jumped off the rack and wrapped itself around me. It's cream coloured with the "Country bride" pattern on it. The quilting is quite detailed and lovely. The contrasting colours are blue and it has scalloped edges. It looks fabulous on my bed and I had a very nice sleep under it last night. Even though I'd not planned on spending this money until later in August or September it was within budget and I can shuffle things around.
I was a bit surprised when driving home with it on the passenger seat that I did get a bit misty eyed. Some of my acquaintances wonder at me making such a fuss over a quilt but for me, this is a really big thing. I did smile when as I was paying one of the little girls was told to run in to the house and tell her aunt that the quilt had been sold. It was perhaps a big deal for them too. I sent a note to my neighbour after I got home and she seemed pleased that I had found something I loved at the shop she recommended.
Vanilla's recent post about her needing to practice flirting made me smile. When I first came here lots of people formed impressions of me that were perhaps inaccurate. I remember Jack_Three_Beans telling me to go out to dinner and instructing me to flirt with the waitress. I've also been called controlling and abusive and "just like my ex" and other things that just made me shake my head but that's another tale. Surprisingly for a natural introvert I am indeed a bit of a flirt. I hope when married that it had the impression of just being friendly. I never made any inappropriate suggestions but now that I'm single the rules are different. Part of yesterday's errands included going to the local art show. Lots of nice pieces there and I chatted with a few of the artists / exhibitors. I had set myself a modest budget of $40. You never know what you will find and I found some lovely cuff-links for $35. The rather pretty and helpful artist offered to put them into a bag but I assured her that I could manage without. I did ask her that since I didn't have a bag whether she would tackle me for shoplifting and she assured me that she wouldn't. I responded with a smile "not even if I ask nicely?" and we had a nice laugh. I suggested she wait until I was 20 feet from the exit before tackling. She didn't to the surprise of neither of us.
I did get a response to my email to my old friend who works in Manhattan. He said that his team was all much more junior and cheaper than me but gave me some encouragement and valuable pointers. I'll send him a thank-you note later today after going over his letter again. I need to make some hard decisions about work and also some changes that the company is wanting to make to my pension. I've asked my kids to help me with that but I think they are uncomfortable with the task.
Busy day today. I got the notification that my ex has cashed this month's support payment this morning so that's done. My first load of laundry is ready to hang on the line now. I have a rather large pork loin in the slow cooker for dinner. I might get some painting done and perhaps the door re-hung on the balcony. Grass cutting and other yard work etc etc etc. I hope to fit in a walk or perhaps a more ambitious hike. A man's work is never done ... It would be nice to have someone to share all this with - both the work and the Joy. I quite miss much of what I had with my ex for all those years. I will never have that relationship again and there were a number of dis-functional bits but being able to look up into another person's eyes and smile is a big hole in my life right now.
Have a joyous Sunday all!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I was a bit surprised when driving home with it on the passenger seat that I did get a bit misty eyed. Some of my acquaintances wonder at me making such a fuss over a quilt but for me, this is a really big thing. I did smile when as I was paying one of the little girls was told to run in to the house and tell her aunt that the quilt had been sold. It was perhaps a big deal for them too. I sent a note to my neighbour after I got home and she seemed pleased that I had found something I loved at the shop she recommended.
I have a quilt that my grandmother made for me for my birthday when I was 10. She actually gave me all the quilt blocks and taught me how to piece them together, then she took them and put the binding on them and actually quilted them. A few years ago, my aunt (dad's oldest sister) gave me a beautiful quilt that she and my grandmother had made together. I love quilts, but more importantly, the stories that go with them.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
It may or may not be my imagination but the lady at the flower shop seems to be getting prettier in the last few weeks.
Dude,
That's nature's way of telling you that you need to take care of something by hand. The reservoir is full and needs to be drained. Clarity of thought will return.
Experiencing a lot of stress lately and not dealing with it well. My sleep has been way off and there have been a couple of long nights with a bottle of wine that were much longer than appropriate.
I wish that there was someone I could talk stuff out with but there isn't. S23 does not engage on anything that isn't positive or is complex and doesn't involve him. Just like his mother.
It's not so much that I miss my ex as an individual, but there's an empty spot where I could really use some support right now. A good friend of mine at work has noticed my distraction and stress and is very concerned. I'm not sure that he can help but he means well.
I feel overwhelmed by what I need to get through in the next 6 months or so. Not from a purely professional point of view. What's required of me there is relatively trivial. It's navigating what to do about life and career. I'm doing my best to not make any rash choices. I have to make a decision about one of my pensions before the end of August and while I'm pretty sure I know what I want to do, I'm waiting.
I also need to decide where to hook my chariot. I'm at our acid plant today which is located close to home, has some great people here and perhaps has some scope for me longer term. It would mean switching career path a bit becoming more general admin / management / jack of all trades. The future just seems like an uncertain blurry place where I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do. It's almost like being back in my "phantom cyclist" days but with much less terror and angst.
I believe that I have 6-8 months before I really need to make a choice. In fact if I left early it would leave the transition team in a bit of a lurch since I know where most of the bodies are buried having placed them myself. They would manage though without me.
I'm also more seriously looking at finally starting to date. There really is nothing holding me back other than perhaps the work uncertainty and S23 living with me. Would it add stress or help with it? It would certainly be something else that I could focus on and be a positive something else.
Hopefully my vacation week next week will allow some of this to drain out and sort out. I'm planning on working around the house and relaxing combined with digging in to the job search things some more. There's a networking event on the Thursday that a friend gave me a ticket for that I probably should go to as well.
On another topic - I was reading on another forum when a light suddenly went on. I remember back in the day holding on to the crumb of hope that since my ex had left so much stuff at the house that she doubted her path / was uncertain / yadda yadda yadda.
I realized that what was more likely the case was that she was intentionally keeping me stuck. There seems to be a common thread where the one spouse thinks that it's perfectly ok for "them" to have extra lovers and explore their options but that it's not OK for the LBS to do that in their mind. I remember on the one temp-check mentioning to my ex that I was considering dating and her response was a sad "I wouldn't blame you". The double-standards and sense of entitlement are just still jaw-dropping.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I feel overwhelmed by what I need to get through in the next 6 months or so. Not from a purely professional point of view. What's required of me there is relatively trivial. It's navigating what to do about life and career. I'm doing my best to not make any rash choices. I have to make a decision about one of my pensions before the end of August and while I'm pretty sure I know what I want to do, I'm waiting.
Andrew,
I have those occasions when I avoid certain things (tasks and decisions) because I feel overwhelmed or uncertain about how to move forward. Procrastination is a strange beast; it can provide a mental break in the present but it's almost always at the expense of additional future anxiety.
My old-fashioned remedy is to write down everything that needs to be done, including decisions that have to be made, and rank order the list. Then, I get off my duff and start getting things done. The hard part is getting started, after that, momentum helps push you forward. I always feel great after a day of productivity. Just keep pounding away at the obstacles and you'll feel better.
My sock and cutlery drawers are things of legend. Epic poems have been written about them.
I have one tidy stack of identical black socks, and one similar stack of nearly identical white socks sub-sorted by whether they have a small red stripe on them. I have two pairs of exciting socks for special occasions which have their own drawer. Pocket handkerchiefs and underwear are similarly arranged although I do not own any underwear that could be considered particularly exciting.
My cutlery is neatly arranged by pattern and utility all facing the same way and those items that stack are indeed stacked. When the real-estate agent came through the house last fall she had to resist the urge to shake the drawers. She did however, formally and in writing request in advance that I wear pants during the tour.
As my ex-wife used 3 of the 4 dressers including the larger ones, the larger closet and a wardrobe in the hallway for her "stuff" not to mention the piles that were all over the house I currently have a lot of flexibility in storage. Perhaps something to add to my online dating profile if I ever do get the courage to un-hide it.
You are right on track with the idea of lists. I am overwhelmed by the single imponderable question of what to do with the rest of my life and how to pay my bills and achieve happiness in what time is left to me on this earth. I perhaps need to break that down into a longer list of more ponderable questions. I did win $2 on a lottery ticket that I checked this morning. I'll need to consider where to invest that. It takes $3.45 to buy a tray of a dozen cookies.
I did just check and yes am indeed wearing pants as well as my safety shoes - the latter being required to be allowed on site at this particular plant. I am unsupervised and do worry about making poor choices. Having a very controlling wife for more than half my life will do that to a man I suppose.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
One thing that's hard when a marriage ends is that you are used to hashing out these decisions with your spouse as a sounding board (at least I was). Fortunately for me I have a best friend who has really taken that role for me in most areas. It's not quite the same but at least I have someone to talk to about it.
When you're young, there's a perception of a lot of runway ahead of you, and thus you feel like you can totally screw up and still recover. As you get older, there's less runway so you constrain a lot of your wants and desires to fit the shorter runway. I think the perception of constraints on the possibilities that life has to offer is probably one of the biggest factors in the mix of things that create depression in the more mature crowd. Just as a mental exercise, you should let go of all of the constraints that you put on yourself and consider what you do with your life if you could simply choose where you'd be and what you'd be doing for the rest of your life.
About ten years ago I decided to do something, it had to do with my finances, and afterward, I'd regretted doing it. I beat myself up over that decision on a regular basis over those ten years. You know what? On mediation day, it turned out that was one of the best decisions I'd ever made. The point is that the randomness of life can be both terrifying and awesome. You can make what seems to be a good decision today and it could kill you tomorrow. You just have to embrace what you're given and make the best of it; the alternative is to be miserable all of the time.
Easier said than done. Add on to that the "operating without a net" and it becomes problematic at least for me.
I may get called out on this, but I think that those who were abandoned after 4 or 5 years can face things much differently than those like me who had more than 1/2 their life invested in a relationship. In less than a month it will have been 30 years since we first met and became inseparable. "Barnacle Bride" are the words that just floated through my head.
If she had died it would be different but I continue to have very real financial obligations to a woman who is not there to support me. It svcks but that's what it is. Not that I wish she were dead but the moving on part is certainly cleaner I would expect. I know that you are still doing co-parenting which I don't (more or less). The emotional attachment is pretty minimal at this point but that's because there is no interaction at all and hasn't been for a very long time.
There are sometimes simplistic answers - but implementing them on a human life is beyond my skills to do in a simple fashion.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My wife and I were together of over 18 years. Then I became like Bruce Jenner's appendage - unwanted. I was hacked-up and turned into a...
Wait! That's a terrible metaphor.
I think we need to meetup at Margaritaville. It's in the tropics somewhere between the Port of Indecision and Southwest of Disorder, but no parallels of latitude or longitude mark the spot exactly.
I think we need to meetup at Margaritaville. It's in the tropics somewhere between the Port of Indecision and Southwest of Disorder, but no parallels of latitude or longitude mark the spot exactly.
I'll be the man wearing a bow tie and carrying a jug of maple syrup.
Pants are optional in Margaritaville I believe?
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hmmm - Might have just had a second date. One of the ladies I work with who I am sweet on made a point of inviting me out to go for a walk at lunch today. She had joined a friend of mine and the week previously. Today we were alone. I often do walk at lunch and had suggested that she would be welcome to join me.
She wanted to vent so I listened. We talked about all sorts of things. Work related and not. We each had an ice-cream cone. I made a point of thanking her for the very pleasant walk and conversation and that I looked forward to the next time.
42 and still lives with her parents. I have no memory of her having a serious relationship in the 12 years or so that I've known her. She is well aware of my situation and timeline. Despite living with her parents she comes across as an independent and strong willed woman who is comfortable in her own skin.
She was keen to walk again next week but sadly I am on vacation. I do need to make sure that I am in this office on Thursdays from now on since that seems to be the day that she is free to walk.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
She wanted to vent so I listened. We talked about all sorts of things. Work related and not. We each had an ice-cream cone. I made a point of thanking her for the very pleasant walk and conversation and that I looked forward to the next time.
Listening: +1
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42 and still lives with her parents. I have no memory of her having a serious relationship in the 12 years or so that I've known her. She is well aware of my situation and timeline. Despite living with her parents she comes across as an independent and strong willed woman who is comfortable in her own skin.
Why does she still live with them? Is it to help them in their old age/disability? Her hard times/issues? Or never moved out?
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She was keen to walk again next week but sadly I am on vacation. I do need to make sure that I am in this office on Thursdays from now on since that seems to be the day that she is free to walk.
Why not just ask her to lunch?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Why does she still live with them? Is it to help them in their old age/disability? Her hard times/issues? Or never moved out?
No clue. Her parents are in fine health as far as I know.
Originally Posted by Dawgs
Why not just ask her to lunch?
There's no rush. And of course it could all be in my head although the odds of that are diminishing. Once our offices are split in a couple of months it would be more appropriate to meet for lunch etc when there would be no perceived conflict of interest.
No need to pick out wedding china
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I don't think you should consider marriage until you've had at least three dates.
There's a YouTube channel named "My Self Reliance." One of your fellow countrymen has built a log cabin out in the Canadian wilderness. He only uses hand tools. There's something compelling about his videos; it's strangely interesting to watch him work on his cabin. And, he has a beautiful Golden Retriever that loves to play in the snow. It makes me want to move to the Canadian wilderness.
Google "Real Canadian Girl" by the bard of the north Stompin' Tom Connors - my father's second favourite singer after Hank Williams Sr.
Earlier tonight I stopped by to drop something off at my youngest brother's farm (who BTW has the largest ironwood tree in Ontario on the old family farm - he's trained as an arborist so he measured and registered it) and mentioned the nice lady from work. A bit of questioning - Italian / French / etc. He was a bit off-put when I said "black". Born in Canada though. Parents from the Caribbean. Mother is a Methodist, father Anglican. Not that any of that actually matters.
After our walk she did call me and did some "cute talk" on the phone whilst working on the pretext of a legitimate business call.
Many (many) years ago I had the opportunity to share a kiss with a former Miss Black Ontario who went on to become a moderately famous actor. I was a good friend of her older better looking sister.
........
One thing that the ladies here don't have to deal with is questioning paternity. It is a worm that burrows into my own brain and perhaps the brains of others. I did notice tonight especially that my son has many characteristics like his uncle (who is far too young to be considered as a gene donor). My daughter is very like my grandmother who I will always hold dear in my heart.
My ex did make a very big show of stating that she had never been unfaithful to me. To the point where at a new year's eve party just before her affair went physical she pointed out to all the friends at the party we were at how she thought that I had thought she was having an affair and how ridiculous that was.
Getting the kids to take a DNA test would be an obvious slap and I can't do that.
...........
Been a rough week ending with a rough day. Long meetings trying to figure out how to split the company into different pieces. Officially I'm on vacation for the next week but have conference calls scheduled that I need to attend. I continue to feel like I'm digging my own grave and am just waiting for that bullet to the head like a bad western.
I mentioned to the president of the division I was visiting today that I'm struggling with a bunch of very hard choices about pensions and other things and he was sympathetic and agreed that the changes coming to our pensions were making tough choices for him as well.
Tomorrow will be the 2 year anniversary of when my ex-wife, her brother and the son of a friend of her's gutted the house and she finally moved out. I went back over my posts from then. I recognize that man and am still pretty much the same person. I was so very full of hope even if at the time I didn't believe that.
I am perhaps more Quixano than Quixote these days. I'm not happy about that but recognize that most people won't get my references. I don't want to be cynical and a realist. I am a romantic guy who adores Disney magic.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Well the weather for the whole area Will continue much the same as the past few days Temperatures seventeen centigrade, that's forty-nine Fahrenheit Winds will freshen later tonight to south-west force six or seven And there will be showers sometimes heavy in many Oh sod it, I didn't wanna do this I don't wanna be a weather forecaster I don't wanna rabbit on all day about sunny periods And patches of rain spritting from the west
LUMBERJACK: I wanted to be A lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree As they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia The giant redwood The larch The fir The mighty Scots pine The lofty flowering cherry The plucky little aspen The limping Roo tree of Nigeria The towering Wattle of Aldershot The Maidenhead Weeping Water Plant The naughty Leicestershire Flashing Oak The flatulent Elm of West Ruislip The Quercus Maximus Bamber Gascoigni The Epigillus The Barter Hughius Greenus
With my best buddy by my side We'd sing, sing, sing
"I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK I sleep all night and I work all day He's a lumberjack and he's OK He sleeps all night and he works all day I cut down trees, I eat my lunch I go to the lavatory On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea"
Chorus: He cuts down trees, he eat his lunch He goes to the lavatory On Wednesdays he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK I sleep all night and I work all day I cut down trees, I skip and jump I like to press wild flowers I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars
Chorus He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps He likes to press wild flowers He puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK I sleep all night and I work all day I cut down trees, I wear high heels Suspendies and a bra I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear Papa
Chorus He cuts down trees, he wears high heels? Suspendies and a bra? He's a lumberjack and he's OK He sleeps all night and he works all day He's a lumberjack and he's OK Sleeps all night and he works all day
Monty Python
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I have recommended to a couple of Newbies that they get a DNA test.
Why?
It stops all games. Not because the child may not be theirs but because they are.!
So if it puts questions to rest then do it. It's a straightforward view and in my experience love is love despite biology.
My 2c
V
Thanks V. I'm going to pass. I have chosen the truth I wish to believe and the chances of me being wrong are quite small. The absolute knowledge makes no difference to anything. There are no support issues, no custody issues. Asking the question would create pain and angst for no purpose.
There are times that I do wish that we had joint "custody" as he's not cheap to feed and goes through cycles of being grumpy and unpleasant to be around
Why his mother doesn't engage with him more is beyond me but she as well is quite self-centred and probably doesn't even think of spending more time with him. It's roughly 5 years since he first moved out to university and she never went out of her way to see him back then either. Only I did.
Busy day today. Fresh haircut, shopping etc and then off to the farm for the first "P family reunion". The weather is uncertain so my brother has cleaned up his implement shed as an alternative venue. The married woman who from time to time is aggressive in wanting to get together for coffee will probably also be there. She's the daughter of my oldest sister's now deceased husband - so a relative of sorts. I need to pick up some store-bought pies to take as my contribution to the pot-luck. I don't have enough fresh fruit in my garden to make pies right now although the black currants should be just about ripe.
From both the post from exquisitetobe and from SIL1 I've been given cause to ponder if my ex-wife feels any regret or remorse for what she did. According to what I've been told from time to time that she posts on Facebook she could be struggling somewhat with the circumstances of her life. Not my problem. I mentioned to SIL1 that the only way I could see my ex popping out of her tunnel would be if she and OM at least started co-habitating, if he dumped her again, if she gave up on chasing him, or if I myself found someone to share my life with.
The last item isn't going to happen any time soon (probably). The first would have happened quite some time ago if it was going to. The other two are a coin toss. In a few weeks what would have been our 29th anniversary will come up. The 30th anniversary from when we met. I still have regular WTF moments and occasionally feel an empty spot where she used to be.
Well - this isn't getting the cows fed (farmer joke - I own no cows).
Have a great Saturday all.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
It may or may not be my imagination but the lady at the flower shop seems to be getting prettier in the last few weeks.
Dude,
That's nature's way of telling you that you need to take care of something by hand. The reservoir is full and needs to be drained. Clarity of thought will return.
Bwa ha ha! I was right. Both the lady at the flower shop and her boss have gone on a fitness and exercise program. Her boss who is petite is down 20lbs and looks fabulous and has started wearing form fitting clothing - I'm sure her boyfriend appreciates it. The lady of my flowers who is quite tall is down 11 and has given up at least for the present coffee and alcohol. I told them both that they looked great with a special emphasis on one and how impressed I was.
I did joke that I needed to hang out with them more often to get a good influence in my life.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
K - So I might need some advice here. Especially from the feminine contingent. Sorry - a bit long.
Went to the family reunion thing yesterday afternoon. S23 chose not to come so it was just me. We did have some weather issues but it all worked out well and a fabulous time was had by all. Bug spray was fortunately pre-planned by me.
As largely expected the "married" lady who had seemingly been in active pursuit was also there. She's (more or less) my oldest sister's step-daughter even though there is no real familial relationship there. She's maybe about 6 or 7 years younger than me. It turned out that she had brought an air mattress with a hole in it to sleep on in the ramshackle farm-house so I offered her to stay with me and texted S23 to make up the spare room which he did.
She was slightly tipsy and we did spend a bit of time together. Husband and children were absent. She "instructed" me that she and I should go together to this place or that around the world which I deflected. Since I wasn't partaking I was chosen as the designated driver to take her and a few other women to the local liquor store to re-stock and picked up a couple of beer for myself. While there she made another similar comment about future plans with me to which I quietly remarked that it couldn't work because her husband was sure to object. She then told me that her husband had had a "MLC" and had run off with his girlfriend about 8 months ago. Like HaWho she also suspects brain tumour. This sort of matches up with the timeline of her initial pursuit of me. I told her that this information completely changes the dynamic and why I had been pushing back previously.
We went back to the party. More visiting, lots of reminiscing and visiting and a bit more drinking happened. I did make more of a point to spend time in her company (I do quite like her). Some 3 hours after the party was supposed to be over we left together and I'm sure that many people made assumptions.
We got home (she hates the wallpaper in my kitchen that my ex picked out) and sat in the kitchen for about 3 more hours visiting and talking about this and that and our separate situations over multiple glasses of water ('cuz I'm just that exciting). I talked to her about the stories I've read here and elsewhere and how her's falls into the pattern. Not sure how much that helped or not.
I showed her around the house including the MBR where she remarked that based on the wallpaper she figured my ex to be a "romantic". She did seem to like the house remarking that she liked how it "smelled like old wood" (the cat boxes were recently cleaned). She did slightly mock me for having a very feminine quilt (new purchase) but that didn't bother me at all.
She then got tucked in to the spare room where she passed the night with several visits by the cats who it seems know how to open that door. I told her in the "good night" that I really enjoyed spending the day with her.
Could her arrangements have been in a different room? I don't know. I didn't suggest especially since she was still a bit tipsy. I do confess to a bit of hope as I quite like her and she is very pretty as a bonus.
Early the next morning (far too early) I got up, showered, shaved and started a breakfast of tea, sausages and pancakes and messaged her that it was ready. She'd told me that she wanted to make sure she got to church on time at 10:30 so I timed things accordingly. She came down, and like many women (I believe) of her age really wasn't interested in breakfast but did eat the sausages and one of the pancakes which I was complimented on. She did ask if she could help and I think was surprised that I had everything under control. While we were visiting an old friend who I haven't seen in nearly 20 years was spotted walking around the drive. I went out, thanked him for visiting and said that I had a visitor already and wished him well as he passed on by. Later I sent him a more detailed thank-you. Unsurprisingly my feminine guest chastised me for not inviting him in but that would have been huge tracts of awkward. Sometimes when the stars align they send meteorites.
We were talking a lot more and she made the conscious decision to skip Church which I think is highly unusual.
We spent much of today together officially visiting her step-mom / my sister. My sister has some serious health problems that has both of us worried. It was really nice though. She's amazingly smart and strong-willed and challenges me on pretty much every point. Eventually it was time for us to part. I got a very nice hug where I re-iterated that I really enjoyed spending time with her and that I looked forward to seeing her again.
We have tentative plans to get together in a week or so for coffee. I'd loaned her some books that her son might be interested in and picked up her lawn chair that she forgot at the farm so we have an excuse.
After I got home I thanked S23 for making up the spare room. He'd actually crossed paths with this lady (I need to figure out an acronym) and I told him that she was a sort of first cousin but made it plain that she was someone who I was interested in I believe. He seemed very cool with the whole thing.
One huge thing that worries me that waves some largish red flags around is that this woman is very much a Princess. We actually chatted about my tendency to rescue princesses. Her - almost ex - husband is a fairly high powered lawyer and she is indeed used to the nicer things in life. She has a very good career of her own as well.
Another was that as they would say "in vino veritas" - when she was tipsy she was amazingly and not quite ironic in being upset in any mention I might have of a friend or associate who was female. I think that this is a very real thing and perhaps may be based on her own experience with infidelity. I don't know. Is this something that is navigable / transitory for her as a LBS?
She also strikes me as rather controlling and "black and white" but is open to alternative viewpoints. I made sure that she knows that my personal finances are not very generous and that seemed to have no impact on her.
I also worry about the fact that her financial circumstances where she is now allow her to do things like renovate a bathroom or just hire someone to paint etc which is beyond the means that I possess might give her expectations that are unrealistic.
Could I have "gotten lucky" last night? I think the odds were high if I had pressed my suit. I hope she respects me more for the fact that I didn't. Did I do the "right" thing by not doing that? I have no clue.
Anyhoodles - time to do the second round of dishes so that I wake up to a clean counter.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Could I have "gotten lucky" last night? I think the odds were high if I had pressed my suit. I hope she respects me more for the fact that I didn't. Did I do the "right" thing by not doing that? I have no clue.
Andrew,
Sometimes a guy has to pick the low hanging fruit. Think of it as chivalry; helping a damsel in distress. Afterward, you can go to a bar and unload your burden (i.e. losing respect for yourself) on some stranger woman. And that starts the vicious cycle of caving into your physical desires and losing respect for yourself. Perpetual Margaritaville. That doesn't sound so bad, and you're just trying to help. Eh?
You may already be an OM if this wayward has an EA going on with you in her head.
RUN.
V
Thanks V - I appreciate it and for bringing out the heavy timber. I didn't look at it that way. The timeline between pursuit and her separation seems legitimate but ....
The story as she tells it mimics many here but with a probably more typical outcome. Reminds me a bit of HaWho's story in many ways. Husband / father who was only happy when he had control of the agenda and even then not much. Apparently sudden depression getting progressively worse until he exploded. Blamed entire family including kids for all his problems and refused to get counseling insisting that everyone else was the problem. Wouldn't come out of his room and ignored family for months until his wife gave him his marching orders after several ultimatums. He packed a suitcase late last year and immediately moved in to the "spare room" of "a woman who has a hobby of rescuing men from their horrible wives".
He completely ignores the life and family he left behind along with his abandoned possessions. He still pays the mortgage but nothing extra. Any contact involves him monstering.
I tend to believe her story as she tells it. Her relationship with my sister her pseudo step-mother only started when she was in her 30s so they are only somewhat close and as her situation was a topic of conversation when the three of us were together that adds legitimacy.
I think I'm going to proceed with caution. We'll probably have coffee or perhaps dinner next week when I'm in her general geography for work and I give her back her lawn chair that we forgot. Even though I've told her that the fact that she's separated changes things a lot in my head I've still been obviously cautious and not in full pursuit. If I see too much in the way of being controlling or any kind of lie I will indeed run.
In the mean time I'm still considering actively dating a couple of other women if I can get my courage up.
Doodler - thank you for reinforcing my belief in thinking WWDD - What Would Doodler Do? And then doing the opposite
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Doodler - thank you for reinforcing my belief in thinking WWDD - What Would Doodler Do? And then doing the opposite
Andrew,
I'm with you! I do exactly the same thing; I do the opposite of what I would do. The only problem with that approach is, because I am doodler, I sometimes don't know if what I would do has already been countermanded by myself, thus I shouldn't be doing the opposite. Because of that, sometimes there's a lot of uncertainty that can lead to erratic and bizarre behavior. My strategy for overcoming that little issue is to forsake thinking altogether which seems to work well. And if things don't turn out well, then I don't really know anyway because I wasn't thinking about it.
Could I have "gotten lucky" last night? I think the odds were high if I had pressed my suit. I hope she respects me more for the fact that I didn't. Did I do the "right" thing by not doing that? I have no clue.
You did the right thing. Don't sleep with someone until it is clear hat you are both interested when sober and have at least gone out on an official date! (I know others here have much higher standards and even I would generally advise the three date rule as a minimum but I have broken that rule myself upon occasion).
Situation is made trickier by the fact that she is a pseudo family member - not in any incest way but just in that it could be divisive in the family if it doesn't turn out well.
Just because her H went to stay in the spare room of a woman with a history of rescuing doesn't quite sound like her spouse was unfaithful during the marriage - could just be that he was having a serious mental health crisis. I'd want to know a little more about the situation before assuming she's a real LBS since she kicked him out. (Now, that being said, I'm dating a guy who left his marriage - but after she became a three bottle of wine a day alcoholic who wouldn't seek treatment. Even so I'm still looking for confirmation that his version of story is true.)
Quote
We got home (she hates the wallpaper in my kitchen that my ex picked out)
Wallpaper should be made illegal.
Quote
We were talking a lot more and she made the conscious decision to skip Church which I think is highly unusual.
She's clearly interested and this may be a good opportunity for you since you are attracted to her. The financial disparity may not be an issue for her if she is financially independent; my feeling is, I have enough for my retirement and my current life, but not enough to support a guy too. I want any guy I date to be able to handle his financial life and have some future plan for his retirement. If a guy can live within his means that's more important to me than the total amount he makes. I think if you're up front about your finances then she can decide if that works for her.
From the info you gave us, use your own experience to weight if it is right or wrong. 9 months in.... what might be her true intention? Serious relationship? Loneliness? Confusion? Casual?
Also, if you give it a go and later on, it does not work.. How will it affect your family dynamic? If her husband return, what happens with you and family reunions etc.
Very risky yet this might be the opportunity of a great future???
I have walked this path w/you from the very beginning of your posting on the MLC Forum. The Flower Lady is a far better fit and I agree w/exquisitetobe on this.
As for the tipsy lady....RUN, RUN, RUN as fast as you can! Too many red flags and I have found that when tipsy, the truth tends to come out a bit more because they do not know how to keep their lips sealed over things. RUN!
You deserve someone who is kind, compassionate and is gentle w/her comments. This woman was very critical about a lot of things and that's a red flag for me...no need to be that way when speaking to someone in their own home, even if they are tipsy doodle.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
She is only 8 months post BD? If so, that is not a lot of time. Could it be that you guys are bonding due to sharing trauma? I get it. I did the same. But i am realizing that its not healthy to go beyond a friendship.
I appreciate that you are all seeing similar danger flags to what I did. I did message her yesterday suggesting that we could meet up next Monday when I'm in her general geography which she hasn't read as of yet. I'm not going to press. If she's expecting to be pursued that's not going to happen. And contrary to popular opinion as I've read here a few times, not all men like having to be the pursuer.
To quote a friend of mine - "why are the hot ones the crazy ones?"
I remember clearly after bomb-day the need for affirmation which perhaps is something that she seeks. I'm also a reasonably good fit with at least her son who also has a thing for bow ties and good tailoring. Her daughter is almost independent and oddly she doesn't really talk about her daughter much. I didn't even know she had one until perhaps 6 months ago.
One challenge is that it's been made plain to me that the SIL army all think that this is a fabulous match for me and perhaps a "done deal". But I live my life for myself and not for them.
She is a very attractive and outgoing woman with an extensive social network. She is still working on processing a lot of things related to her situation and has a long way to go on that. I think she's being a bit naive about her divorce process as she seems to expect the status quo to continue indefinitely. I think that the spending spree that she is on right now with trips and home renovations will awake a monster as soon as he starts building his own new life. That monster would also probably be awoken if she starts seeing someone - say perhaps - me.
It does though make me feel good to have this smart, witty and beautiful woman seemingly interested in little old me. Even though I am generally pretty good with who I am, especially when I was married I never really felt "attractive". My ex never complimented me and would more often cut me down. She did have a charming smile but objectively was more a "4" compared to tipsy lady as a good solid 7 or even perhaps 8.
As reluctant as it makes me I do think that the wisest course is to keep this at friendly.
As far as the lady at the flower shop goes - well - that story has yet to be written. I'm in a very different place than I was a year and a half ago when I asked her out. She said yes at that time but then backed off from it. Without knowing for sure, the age gap is indeed fairly significant. Perhaps as much as 20 years - I'm a horrible judge of woman's ages. She does know how old I am though.
Busy day yesterday. First day of "vacation". The quotes are because I also had to respond to a number of work issues. Despite intermittent heavy rain I got some exterior painting done, repaired two window sills and got the screen door back on the balcony. I also did some scrubbing of some rather filthy windows which involved disassembling the frames to get at the bits that can't be reached otherwise. A job that has needed to be done for probably 5 years that took only an hour or so.
Today's plan is to head out to the local farmer's market after lunch to get some fresh veg and perhaps baking and make a pot of chili for dinner and the freezer. S23 doesn't care for chili.
Tomorrow I have a friend coming up for lunch and a visit. Thursday there's a networking event in the evening that I hope to attend. It's invitation only and a friend gave me his invite. I've contacted the organizers to see if I can get in.
It's annoying that my abbreviated time off (was supposed to have been 2 1/2 weeks off - but now only 1) coincides with the only rain we've received in months. But it is what it is. I have lots to do inside and also don't mind getting rained on.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My impression of your romantic life is that you seem to be attracted to two types of women: women your own age who pursue you and lean toward the controlling/entitled type, and women much younger than you with whom you seem to take a paternalistic/fatherly position.
What I'd like to see you find is a woman your own age who is ready for a healthy, mutually supportive relationship in which both of you still retain differentiation. No princess. No father figure. Just two equals who don't need each other but who choose to be together.
Are there any women in that category on your radar? That's where I'd put the focus.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
What I'd like to see you find is a woman your own age who is ready for a healthy, mutually supportive relationship in which both of you still retain differentiation. No princess. No father figure. Just two equals who don't need each other but who choose to be together.
That's great advice! Of course, I think Andrew has a much deeper problem; he seems to have an affinity for Canadian women. It's probably due to childhood trauma or something like that.
Had a nice lunch with some good friends who went out of their way today to see me. Managed to get my grass cut and flower beds weeded this afternoon as for some inexplicable reason it stopped raining at least for now.
This afternoon I had to message the person who I'm uncomfortable calling "tipsy lady" that Monday won't work and that we'll have to reschedule. I found out this morning that I have a series of "must attend" meetings scheduled through much of next week in my Mississauga office. It was interesting because the advice I got from my friends today was that if I want to change horses and move to the buy-out company that I should demonstrate how I am strong on processes. And the suddenly arranged meetings with their mid management types are about - process.
As far as finding women to date - I understand that doodler might know of some filthy widows? Must be Canadian. You wouldn't "believe" the paperwork I'd have to do otherwise. And in both English and French. And the bulk of the French that I know is a combination of swear words and talking about hard-rock mining.
Originally Posted by Stompin' Tom
A Real Canadian Girl
She loves the way it feels, driving snowmobiles And laughing at her dates when they don't know how to skate She knows her hockey games and the players of the world She's an all Acandian, northern lady An Real Canadian Girl
She's from the Miramichi by the old Atlantic Sea But like the rolling tides she travels far and wide So fond of the great outdoors with a glowing heart a twirl She's an all Acandian, northern lady An Real Canadian Girl
She's a real Canadian Girl, a real Canadian Girl She's an all Acandian, northern lady An real Canadian Girl
She'll brave the Yukon nights and dance to the northern lights Then she's off to ski in the mountains of bc In the summer she'll play ball In the winter time she'll curl She's an all Acandian, northern lady An Real Canadian Girl
From the river of Saint John to the old Saskatchewan Up along the Caribou she'll paddle her canoe She loves the bears and birds and every little squirrel She's an all Acandian, northern lady An Real Canadian Girl
She's a Real Canadian Girl, a real Canadian Girl She's an all Acandian, northern lady An a Real Canadian Girl
Now when you see her play she'll take yer breath away Bathing in the sun or swimming just for fun And if some lucky guy should land this presious pearl She's an all Acandian, northern lady An a Real Canadian Girl
She loves the way it feels driving snowmobiles And laughing at her dates when they don't know how to skate She knows her hockey games and the players of the world She's an all Acandian, northern lady An a Real Canadian Girl
She's a real Canadian Girl, a real Canadian Girl She's an all Acandian, northern lady An a Real Canadian Girl
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I wanted to also touch on trust. It's not explicitly mentioned in your post JujuB - bit it is implied especially around gas-lighting. My default position is to trust. I know that people aren't trustworthy. It used to annoy me that I felt that I was "obliged" to trust my ex when she would promise to do some task or other knowing full well that it wouldn't get done. I accepted the regular lies about all sorts of (usually small) things as just the way she was.
I make an effort to show myself to be trustworthy - seeming silly on that. I for example have no issue and will just hand over my phone to someone else, especially if it is a lady who I am interested in. Things I don't want them to see - bank accounts and such-like are under another layer of security but if asked I would - if the reasons were valid certainly show that. Another example is the lady that I've recently started to get to know a bit. She was having a bad day and so I gave her my contact info and said that she was welcome to call if she needed to talk. I didn't ask for her's.
And yes - dodges 2X4 - I am still cautiously exploring things with tipsy lady who it feels like has backed off from her seemingly hot pursuit. I think I'm going to start calling her Church Lady / CL (and yes - I know of the SNL character). She's a very devoted member of an obscure branch of the Catholic Church which has a congregation the next town over. I looked it up to see if they did animal sacrifices and what-not. Nope - just the usual stand up, sit down, take a shot, sing a few songs sort of place.
I just wanted to explore the concept of trust and myself a bit if I may. More entrail gazing.
I was thinking about CL and the risks that she took this past weekend. A man that she had only met briefly once two years prior before drives her miles in the darkness to a place she's never been before. She claimed that what she had to drink hadn't affected her but I didn't believe it. She has no obvious exit strategy. She did snoop in my glove-box and probably a bit around the bathroom and such. I expect that she had texted a friend about what was happening - various texts were sent throughout the night. But still - the risk she took. My halo must have been glowing in the dark.
For me - if I think on it - I don't trust anyone. And haven't really for a very very long time. I didn't trust my ex. The outright lies, the fact that so often she would promise to do something and then not do it. I don't trust my co-workers. Some of them are very much looking out for their own self-interest. I have a number of very good friends - but I don't rely on them for things and am unsurprised when at times plans that I've made with them fall through. A couple of them, people who helped lift me up when I had fallen down in the darkest times, one of them I would never do a business deal with and the other I would count my fingers after shaking his hand on something where he had a large self-interest.
A good example is my recent episode with the roofing contractor. I remember looking him carefully in the eye and realizing that he probably wasn't fully reliable but agreeing to book him anyway. The job took longer and wasn't as well done as I had hoped but you know - that didn't upset me. Small potatoes so to speak. My roof eventually got done. It's an adequate job.
Is this a barrier to me forming a new relationship? Is this why much to the shock (and in some cases annoyance) of a great many people I don't even have a steady relationship with a new woman much less a new partner? I really don't know the answer to that question and have never explored it from that point of view before. Input would be welcome.
Even if my ex had magically realized what she had done and come back weeping, wailing and confessing when I was still prepared to take her back - I wouldn't have trusted her. But I would have accepted her and that.
Let's paint a scenario. Suppose that Vanilla decides that I'm her one twu wuv, hunts me down IRL and starts calling and texting me at all hours. Comments are made that she adores the idea of small villages in the frozen wastelands of Upper Middle Kanukistan along with old houses with crappy wallpaper and that middle-aged grey haired men with a few extra pounds, a quantity of back hair and a complete inability to dance are what she's dreamt about her entire life.
This scenario is not as outrageous as it may seem. I've heard of similar ones and TBH experienced similar things myself. My ex was very much one who painted me as the perfect man for her and did for years - with a mix of talking me down.
Now - I am very fond of Lady V - but unless she showed up on my doorstep with a suitcase I wouldn't believe her words. And even then would be worried about being taken advantage of and for a potential discard (I really can't dance that well - not even white guy dancing - been hoping to take lessons one day).
Taking that next step - the really really big one - of actually actively dating terrifies me. People are not things to me. I can't use them to make myself feel better. I can accept that there may be a certain number of frogs that will need to be kissed. I also know that I will never find someone who is my "perfect match". I'd be mighty suspicious of anyone that appeared to be in fact. I'm a slow learner but I do learn.
Ah well - enough of this for now. I'd appreciate input. My vacation is currently shot. Combination of bad weather and issues with the corporate buy-out dragging me back in to deal with office things - grumble - grumble grumble.
Oh - and V? I hope you like cats. Just give me advance notice and I'll hunt down the spare linens that I believe are in S23's room and make up a cot for you.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Just a secondary thought to drop before I get back to my housework (vacation time fun!)
If we take it as a fact that CL may have had some sort of fantasy EA about me through all the trauma that she's gone through that might suggest that what happened on the weekend was an over-reaction and a release of a lot that has been pent up for a long time. I'm rather flattered and TBH a bit embarrassed that this might have been the case. I've never given it any thought at all though despite the obvious until Vanilla pointed that out to me so clearly.
I presume that the fantasy AndrewP and the real one are similar but very likely not the same. But, after at least 6 months if not more thinking about it, she and he are finally on the same piece of property. She's set aside other plans, left her son in the care of her mother. Driven for well over an hour to the middle of absolute no-where officially to spend time with her step-mother and her family. AndrewP is kind, polite, social. He opens car doors for her, lights her cigarette. He's available and obviously likes CL as a person. He doesn't judge even on things that might have been a problem for her husband.
All the dreams, all the fantasies pour out lubricated by several drinks. Sparklers start going off (yes we had sparklers). Various episodes of very close proximity happen but AndrewP doesn't lean in, but neither does he run away.
The next day, she sees that AndrewP is a real person. Makes decent pancakes. Doesn't mind that she thinks his wallpaper is ugly. Didn't in any way do anything inappropriate but was clear that he had been happy to spend time with her and that he looked forward to doing it again. He's interested in her kids (they seem pretty cool). He doesn't try to dominate or control her. Listens. Answers thoughtfully. Doesn't commit to anything and while not rejecting her fantasy he doesn't build it up.
I think that many of us know very very well the feelings of being unloved and unlovable that happen when a marriage breaks down.
I sort of get the feeling that now that she knows that she is attractive and interesting to someone that she's probably going to be living her life a bit more with her head held a bit higher. For the reasons I posted above and others, I'm not going to go into full pursuit. The tone of the second day we spent together and subsequent messages have had a much much calmer note.
With that said, I'm still planning on trying to get out for another walk with the nice lady that I work with with whom there may soon no longer be a conflict of interest in dating. Still be friendly with the lady at the flower shop. There were two tellers at the bank who I had been flirting with and one of them last week had switched back to my branch after a lengthy absence. We were very happy to see each other.
The world perhaps is my oyster. I've never tried oysters.
Well - time to empty the fridge and give it a good scrubbing. And yes he "is" single
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Post #1700 Last day of my abbreviated vacation. Had some panicked emails yesterday from one of the division heads followed by others being all concerned from other team members. I finally got back from my errands and looked into it. Nothing really a problem - just perceived to be one.
Just some rambling thoughts I want to put down "on paper" to get them out. I'm sure that more than doodler is visiting but it seems quiet here. A good spot to diarize and ponder.
I didn't message CL on Friday but after giving it some thought did late on Saturday afternoon. Brief about my day - wishes that her's was going well. I also told her that once she got to a place where she was ready to start doing the divorce / settlement stuff to let me know and I would be happy to share copies of my forms and such so that she would be able to get all her ducks in a row and hopefully keep her legal spend down. She told me that she would definitely take me up on that when she was ready. She's not ready at this point but I think is working her way up to it. I can sympathize with how hard it is to pull the trigger.
She was having another crappy day - provided minimal details - and it would seem was feeling overwhelmed and trying to do a purge. She said she needed a vacation so I sent her a link to the exterior of the Cervantes museum in Spain. It's a lovely spot surrounded by cafes and cute shops it appears. Response of "when do we go" - reply - "last weekend you suggested October but I won't have the money saved for my ticket until at least spring". A couple of humorous messages and that was that. I "presume" that she knows that I could be open to traveling with her but that I'm not expecting it (?)
While we were messaging I got one from my oldest sister - her sort-of step mother. It had a "bless you my child" tone expressing happiness that CL and I were hitting it off so well. I responded positively but also mentioned that she had stayed in the spare room. I think a lot of people including her made assumptions when we left the party together. No need to announce "I didn't sleep with this beautiful woman" to the world but tamping down people's expectations is probably wise.
I took a closer look at her social media presence. She still is listed as married on Facebook and there are a couple of older pictures of her husband and her from a couple of years ago. Nothing recent although there has been a big uptick in postings of her and her kids. Some angsty posts correspond to the timeline when she says that her ex walked out. She didn't really post much until after she left. I can sympathize with the need to reach out for validation. From what she's said, like me she didn't know how much her spouse kept her down until he was gone.
I also read up a bit on her church which is a big part of her life. She has very strong faith. It's the "New Apostolic Church" which I'd never heard of even though there is a fair sized church and presumably congregation the next town over. She knows that I'm "not particularly religious". I think her faith is a personal thing. Her son at least attends regularly as well.
So everything seems to be on the up and up with CL. She's not being clingy and demanding which would have been a big warning. She's got a lot of stuff to work through yet emotionally and practically. She does appear to have a good solid support network so she'll be just fine in time.
I'm going to let her drive where this is going. If she wants to get to know me better / hear from me, she is welcome to reach out and knows how to. I'm not sure what her expectations are from me and it would be nice if I did but women do not come with instruction manuals unlike men where it is just "show up naked and bring beer".
I've occasionally expressed the opinion that getting set up with someone would have been my preferred way of meeting someone. Well - it somewhat has happened. After a scary and confusing start it may eventually become something. Or it may not. It's certainly not going to be a whirlwind overnight romance. I do though quite possibly now have a date for my nephew's stag and doe party at the end of October.
And I still have lots of other people to get to know. I had been thinking of starting up my OLD profile but I think I'm just going to cruise along right now. Along with CL there is the lady I work with who went walking with me. I think that's about all I can handle for right now. I get mixed signals from the lady at the flower shop.
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I've been getting a number of messages lately from SIL1 who still keeps an eye on my ex's Facebook feed. The land of sunshine and unicorn f@rts does not seem to be where my ex is living. Lots of anger and angst the latter of the "poor me" variety increasing over time. I passed on the post that exquisitetobe had made to me about her truck-driver story. SIL1 figures that OM will probably dump her as soon as he finds a fresh target if he hasn't already. Practicalities involve them not spending much time together I presume. Cheaters cheat and liars lie and they both were involved in pretty much the biggest sort of lie. I would imagine trust isn't high but can't know.
A long while ago I believed the narrative that when they "hit rock bottom" that they "wake up". I think her rock bottom still has a long way to fall. I would have thought that where she was 6-8 months ago would have been it but it wasn't. I do think could happen fairly quickly if - she gets dumped - she dumps him - I find someone and she hears about it. Some trigger event or otherwise she'll probably just cruise along as a (presumably) lonely angry woman. She has lost pretty much everything and everyone that she once held dear.
I have indeed moved on and away from her but she may not know that. I have no idea if she has insight into my life but presume she gets info from S23 and mutual friends from time to time. S23 does know that I had an overnight guest and that I am fond of her. He was surprisingly nonchalant about it.
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I had been meaning to write some more about trust yesterday and didn't. I think that this is the key thing for me to explore amongst my various entrails.
I trust. I trust easily. I trust even in the face of untrustworthiness. I'm used to being disappointed in others.
This was going to be the longest part of my post. But I don't have anything beyond the facts.
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Oh - and doodler - thinking about the widows of my acquaintance it is interesting how they carry on forward. Many that I know still look and act married. Wearing their wedding rings, not seeking new companionship. A smaller number do look for new companionship but I think that there is a hugely different dynamic between a widow and a divorcee. Not sure if that is the case with widowers though or not. I also think in their future relationships their new partner has to deal with the fact that there is a ghost in the relationship too. After a divorce most people purge their lives of reminders of their former partners.
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Roasting a ham with potatoes for dinner tonight. A local cidery did up a batch of apple / rhubarb cider that S23 and I are looking forward to having with it.
The sun is currently shining so time for me to get outside and slap some paint on the front porch I believe.
Thanks for reading and caring.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Oh - and doodler - thinking about the widows of my acquaintance it is interesting how they carry on forward. Many that I know still look and act married. Wearing their wedding rings, not seeking new companionship. A smaller number do look for new companionship but I think that there is a hugely different dynamic between a widow and a divorcee. Not sure if that is the case with widowers though or not. I also think in their future relationships their new partner has to deal with the fact that there is a ghost in the relationship too. After a divorce most people purge their lives of reminders of their former partners.
Andrew,
I suspect you're right about widow versus divorcee thing. I think if I were a widower, I'd be more reluctant to date. I don't know why I feel that way, maybe it's because my divorce was so traumatic.
I'm surprised you used the word "f@rt"! I didn't think Canadians ever f@rted.
Some of the pheromones that had been fogging my head are I think clearing. I didn't message CL yesterday nor today.
I did do a bit of reading at lunch time of the etiquette of flirting / messaging etc and for a variety of reasons will do my best to take it slow. The first is that I don't want to come across as crazy old man stalker guy. The second is the advice I've read and that seems to make sense is that once you've shown interest that meaningful contact for legitimate reason is best. The third is the whole "dance of the pursuer" that is written about here and even though I these days don't buy the whole DB mantra, that one also makes sense to me. And finally, she's got a huge bucket of stuff that she's trying to deal with both practical and emotional. My waving my arms around going "cooee" would (probably) not be helpful.
On the other hand I have absolutely no clue how this sort of stuff works. Advice would be appreciated. After that first evening, the bulk of the red flags have vanished and I am interested in seeing where this goes. I am still a bit skittish though. She's not initiated contact since that weekend but has been prompt and pleasant in relatively short chats when I have.
I do also want to say that while fogged by pheromones that I did my ex a bit of a dis-service. Yes, the last couple of years have taken a toll on her from the last picture I saw of her on security cameras when she came through the house but she does rank up a couple of numbers higher than she did. I sort of look at the callous ranking of beauty as being on a bell curve with most people being in the middle and needing to be exceptional to get to the outer edge.
In a couple of weeks it will be the 30th anniversary of when my ex and I were set up on a blind date that resulted in her taking me home and essentially not letting out of her sight for decades. It's also when the monthly support payment is due. Le sigh. I'm tempted to make some sort of note on the transfer when I send it. If she has any thoughts of me and of us left she'll know. We were married one year less a day from when we met so the date is pretty memorable. No clue what's going on in her life. There's road construction south of me and the official detour takes me through the village that she moved to. I usually detour a bit farther but today drove past her flat in the early morning. Her car wasn't there as it usually would be. Maybe she is getting her happily ever after at long last. No clue. Not my issue.
"20 something" is up visiting in this area for reasons that are obscure to me. She's a nice kid but a bit of a bubble-head. I did have to contact her to mention that she missed a payment last Friday on the small loan that I cosigned for her. No job was her response and that she's going to try to get her boyfriend help pay (she just moved 1/2 way across the province to move in with him). I asked her to contact the bank and explain things and not just assume that things will work out and that they'll "understand" in the interim. If worse comes to worse I'll cover the remaining balance which I knew was a possibility when I signed initially. I stopped at the local bulk food store and picked her and S23 some junk food snax. They're out gallivanting around the countryside at present. I do have to stay on top of the banking stuff, perhaps go and talk to them myself to ensure that stuff gets done and things don't fall off the rails.
Well - time to get my lunch made for tomorrow. Early and long meetings with the corporate buy-out people again tomorrow and then later in the week. I got the time wrong and was slightly late for the meetings with them today but didn't miss much. We went over-time but a lot of good discovery work was done in the fit/gap analysis. It seems that some people have been pushing for some of the tools I built over the years to continue to be available so there's more meetings about that later in the week.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
The first is that I don't want to come across as crazy old man stalker guy.
Too late. But that's okay, apparently she likes crazy old man stalkers.
(Well, not an old man stalker, but a stalker that's an old man.)
Originally Posted by AndrewP
On the other hand I have absolutely no clue how this sort of stuff works. Advice would be appreciated.
You've come to a forum where everyone has absolutely no clue of how this stuff works and you're asking for advice?
Snark aside, my advice is that you should do what works. Don't go down cheeseless tunnels. (Of course, you don't know they're cheeseless until you've gone down them.) And, no cross-dressing until after the third date.
Lastly, I hope someone who's much less snarky comes along and gives you some good advice.
Andrew, being that she's still married and still relatively recently separated ( I believe you said 6 months), I think your best bet is to take dating off the table. Become friends with her, get to know each other as friends and stay in the back ground while she deals with her stuff. Then when/if the time is right, you like what you've gotten to know and she's in a good healthy place, then maybe step up your game and let your intentions known.
On the other hand, you may be friend zoned permanently if you go that route. Either way, I think that trying to start a R with her right now is not a good idea. If someone is still hesitant to "pull the trigger" on D, they are not in a place that makes a good foundation to a new R going forward.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Coconut - Thanks. That's very sensible advice. It'll be a balance between keeping interested and interest. I am fortunately in no huge rush. A brief note tomorrow perhaps checking in, asking how the handyman worked out for her on Monday and other sundry conversational items and then back behind the parapet. Contact perhaps once a week or so. It's probably been closer to a year for her since separation as she said that at Christmas time they were split (and he was absent - no contact with kids by his choice) and there is no possibility (she says) of reconciliation. I'm also open to other relationships although I won't be worrying about conflicts with that unless something more starts up.
Doodler - my doctor has advised me to avoid cheese.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew, i was wondering ths same thing coconut was.
You seem to have other opportunities available for you, but you appear to be the most smitten with a woman that is atill in the trenches of divorce. Maybe explore thst?
Cause she is simply not going to be available. She will also be vulnerable. And this can lead to a lot of mixed feelings, resentment, and hurt down the line. It is easy to connect though because of the shared history and because of her looks. So i get it. But something to steongly consider before diving in.
Why are you attracted to this woman? Is it her looks or the fact that she's having some issues of her own and you can relate? Please be careful. You do not want to come across as the Knight saving the damsel in distress. It's okay to talk to this woman, but don't get too deep in the trenches until she's had ample time to go through the divorce process and heal from it. Rebound relationships do not usually work out well and I would hate to see you hurt.
Give her space to get her life together. Right now, she's vulnerable and bouncing all over the place emotionally w/her divorce, etc.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was attracted to this woman when I first met her a couple of years ago at her dad's funeral. I was fresh after BD and she was married. I actually told SIL1 afterwards that I hoped one day to meet a woman as nice as she was.
She was (and is) a thoughtful, kind person with a sense of humour. Yes she is indeed pretty but TBH - that is secondary for me.
You are both right that she's got a lot to process right now and she is very aware of that and is struggling to deal with it. I know that I can't fix things for her and am not going to try. If she does ask for help I will do what I reasonably can. I was in one one-sided relationship for a long time.
I also have a lot of things that I'm trying to deal with right now and not doing the best at it. Work and future related mostly.
We all recognize my inclination to be the Knight of the Rueful Countenance who wants to save his Dulcinea. Oddly though, I've found over the last 2 years, perhaps since I've been mindful of it, that I am finding a needy demanding person who wants me to "fix" things to be unattractive rather than the opposite.
I had been intending to send her a "how are you" note sometime today but she messaged me early this morning referencing a social media post I had made. She did some complaining about some of the practical issues that she's having that I can't do anything about. I made sympathetic noises. Conversation basically died at that point and we got on with our days. I did like the fact that CL made no moves at all in the direction of asking me to assist. She just vented briefly.
Oddly, while she was messaging me, the lady I work with who I am sweet on called asking about some work stuff that she probably would have normally dealt with via email. We had a brief chat. She's quite pleasant and sweet and certainly not dealing with any of the drama that CL is. We may go for a walk together tomorrow schedules and weather permitting.
So - yes - my mind is clearer about CL. We'll see where it goes and I'll let her drive her own bus. I'll drive mine.
I'll keep in semi-regular contact with her but indications are that she's not the chatty / texting sort although in person we did have some fairly deep conversation. Given my currently crazy work schedule with meetings with the take-over transition team it may well be a couple of weeks before we can meet for coffee even.
Originally Posted by doodler
You've come to a forum where everyone has absolutely no clue of how this stuff works and you're asking for advice?
I also recognize my "occasional" tendency to ask for advice and not follow it . But I really do appreciate it. You've all been very kind to give me lots to think about. I think that without you I would have indeed made some poorer choices than I have otherwise.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
There are a lot of rumors flying around down here in southern Trumpistan regarding the tariff discussions with Canada. The rumor is that Canada will become the 51st state. I have no doubt the Canadians are excited about the prospect. What are your thoughts?
Courtesy of the wandering minstrels known at the time as the Arrogant Worms.
Come back proud canadian's, To before you had TV. No hockey night in canada, There was no CBC.
In 1812 madison was mad, He was the president you know. Well he thought he'd tell the british where they ought to go. He thought he'd invade canada, He thought that he was tough. Instead we went to washington, And burned down all his stuff.
And the white house burned, burned, burned. And we're the ones that did it, It burned, burned, burned. While the president ran and cried, It burned, burned, burned. And things were very historical, And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies WaWaWa In the war of 1812.
Those hilbilies from kentucky, Dressed in green and red. Left home to fight in canada, But they returned home dead. It's the only war the yankies lost except for veitnam. And also the alomo and the bay of ham. The looser was america, The winner was ourselves. So join right in and gloat about the war of 1812.
And the white house burned, burned, burned. And we're the ones that did it, It burned, burned, burned. While the president ran and cried, It burned, burned, burned. And things were very historical, And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies WaWaWa In the war of 1812.
In 1812 we were just sitting around, Minding our own business, Putting crops into the ground. We heard the soilders coming, And we didn't like that sound. So we took a boat to washington and burned it to the ground.
Oh we fired our guns but the yankies kept on a coming, There wasn't quite as many as there was a while ago. We fired once more and the yankies started running, Down the mississippi to the gulf of mexico. They ran through the snow, And they ran through the forest, They ran through the bushes where the beavers wouldn't go, They ran so fast they forgot to take they're culture, Back to america, and gulf and texico.
So if you go to washington, It's building clean and nice, Bring a pack of matches, And we'll burn the white house twice.
And the white house burned, burned, burned, But the americans wont admit it. It burned, burned, burned... It burned and burned and burned It burned, burned, burned I bet that made them mad. And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of little babies WaWaWa In the war of 1812.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Man-o-man am I exhausted. Physically and mentally.
I'm on a CPAP machine and ever since the corporate split / buy-out was announced my numbers have bee waay up and the amount of actual sleep has gone down.
I was talking to my neighbour yesterday evening who co-incidentally is ex-W's boss and landlord. We did chat for a bit about my worries that my job security isn't. I used my usual joke about having a son and ex-wife to support. He seemed a bit surprised at the last and so I elaborated that I write her a "big honkin' cheque" every month. I'm evil. He may reconsider her heavily subsidized rent perhaps. Not my issue. Not sure if this info will be passed on. They used to be very friendly to at one point me worrying about an at least EA.
Speaking of all things ex-wife, appearances from the tiny tiny bit of intel I have is that more and more she seems to be becoming "normal". Spending time with the few friends she has left, posting things about wanting to travel and about accepting your age and being proud of it. Presumably OM is still in the picture in some fashion but he's pretty obviously not in the centre of the frame.
I was not too shocked when I finally got home from work yesterday that S23 wasn't. "20 something" is still in the area and he's got lots of other friends to hang out with. Just as I heard him at the door while relaxing with a beer I saw his mother's car pull away out of the corner of my eye. They'd gone out clothes shopping, S23 said he got some driving practice in and I presume had dinner together. It's almost as if she's reading here (she might be) and is following through on my wish that she'd spend more time with him and help with the driving practice. I'm a bit curious as to how much intel he passed over as he's a known information leak (not that I have anything to hide) presuming that she asked including that I had CL as an overnight guest. Finding out from the info that S23 has exactly who CL is and what she looks like would not be hard. S23 as usual spared my feelings by not mentioning who he was with.
I had a nice walk with a lovely lady from work (WL?) yesterday. I don't know if other colleagues have noticed the increasing amount of time we are spending together. There are lots of windows in the office and considering that she has very dark black skin and I dress fairly distinctively we would stand out to say the least as we're walking around visiting. We had a very nice time - the walking pace was a bit more brisk tha my usual - and chatted about this and that. I sent her a thank-you note ('cuz I'm old school like that) and she seems keen on doing it yet again.
Busy day ahead of me today but thankfully many fewer meetings. Fish and chips lunch with a good Muslim friend (we joke that we're being good Catholic boys) and then dinner with another good friend. She describes me as "the best boss I ever had" which is quite flattering. She was the first person to lift me up when everything blew up and I am forever grateful to her. She could perhaps have "taken advantage" if she'd wanted to but didn't. I get occasional vibes from her and laugh because when we are out it's assumed that we're a long-married couple. She would maybe have been interested in a FWB thing but I'm not.
I really shouldn't be stressing about the work thing so much. It's tough to not have someone here when I could really use someone now to help support me emotionally through all this. I've been assured that I do have job security and have good relationships with both of the remaining company presidents who I have worked with for 15 years from when they were both in more junior postions. In the meetings with the buy-out company it's very obvious that I'm the only one on our side of the table who has a stem to stern understanding of the business and from what I've heard they've had good reports on me from elsewhere including an unexpected tour that they had separate from the regular meetings to review work that I've done on production and fleet scheduling which they kept commenting on how nice it looked.
I've learned though to trust nothing. Hoping and wishing doesn't work either. Especially in the last 2 years the futility of that is plain to me.
CL and I did have a really good talk about my options when she was visiting. She has some familiarity with my industry but not a lot but she's smart and has been around the block a few times being an Operations manager. It will be at least another week before I can get a chance to visit with her. The upcoming long weekend has been booked. Looking after my 2 year old nephew on Saturday and overnight (did I say I was exhausted?). Visting SIL1 on Sunday and her sister who has flown in from Calgary for a couple of weeks and who has said that she'd be happy to have a visit with me too. Monday cleaning and laundry and stuff. Tuesday I'm out in Colborne visiting our plastics resin plant, Wednesday home with vet and optometrist appointments (my vision has been getting blurrier in the last couple of years). Thursday and Friday more meetings with the buy-out company probably. I'm supposed to be spending time at the sulphur plant which is geographically close to both me and CL which would make a visit easy but can't squeeze that into my calendar.
Ah well - time to get going. I have a call with D25 planned for my morning commute and I'm already running late because of typing this. Posting without the usual proof-reading. I'm sure I can be forgiven.
It's FRIIIIDAAAAAYYYY!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Hi, Andrew. I´m following you from the beginning. Maybe it is my first time writing to you. It is always a pleasure to read your posts. Your long journey sets an example of patience and commiment. You have all my respect.
WW H(me): 53 W: 48 T: 27 M: 22 S: 18 Piecing since 03/2016 Saw the light in the storm
Aw - thanks Neffer. Yes, I do remember you. I think we've written back and forth once or twice over the years.
Thanks for stopping by and the kind words.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
We've had some very welcome rain in the last few weeks. The forest fires up by Parry Sound seem to be persisting but with the rain and heat we've had you almost have to jump back as the corn is shooting up. The hay crop has been hurting and this is perhaps too late for a lot of that. People adapt.
I am currently very exhausted but not surprised at that. My youngest brother and his wife asked me to look after their 2-year old son overnight yesterday / today while they floated down the River with friends. I hadn't realized that this was his very first overnight with anyone. He's a great kid with bright red hair and an impish grin. I've looked after him a couple of times but never for this long. He'll turn on the water-works to get his own way, but Uncle AP has seen that story before. I do firmly believe though that a crying child should always be held even if what they are crying about is that they haven't gotten their own way. I got him to bed more or less on time but after a few hours he was fussing and I spent the next 3 hours cuddling him. According to my CPAP machine I got a bit over 2 hours of sleep last night.
One good thing is that S23 is very good with and loves small children so he was able to help carry the load a bit yesterday and I actually got stuff done around the house. I was a bit concerned because one of the two cats vanished but since with my nephew in the house we were "locked down" more than usual I was unsurprised that she spent the better part of a day in S23's room and had not escaped.
Since I had a toddler in my custody I did choose to make use of him. At the flower shop I did mention to the lady who works there that she was looking very nice and her hard work was obvious. I did comment about the fact that in some ways that I could lose another 50lbs and she told me that I shouldn't become a "bone-rack". She did seem rather flattered by my comments which in hind-sight were perhaps a bit over the top. Let's blame the toddler.
Today after my nephew was picked up I drove up to see SIL1 and her sister (who I danced with at my brother's wedding as best-man / maid of honour). SIL/Sister gave me a huge hug and was happy to see me but for some obscure(ish) reason was wearing a wedding ring. I'm pretty sure she's divorced and has been longer than me. There was a family reunion happening there which was more substantial than I expected. I swung through, basic introductions and swung out. I did make a point of talking to SIL/Sister's father who is in his 90s and was very happy to see me and who is a man that I quite like and respect. No telling what conversations are happening in the background. The hug was pretty much a quiet off-book thing as I didn't get one when leaving and there were lots of people around. KML would be happy that I paid attention to her elbows which were certainly age appropriate. She's had a bit of a rough ride of things lately and I believe her divorce was rough. She lives in Calgary but is spending the next few months here in Ontario having recently retired and of course her concerns about her father.
I've decided that tomorrow I'll message CL and suggest that we get together for brunch after (her) church next Sunday. My schedule is nuts and doesn't put me in her geography for work any time soon reliably (plan A). In my message I do want to let her know that I think that she has many stories to tell that I had no idea about before. She has some sort of connection to music (which is important to me) that is vague and undefined. I am still also holding her folding chair hostage.
It's funny in some ways that outside of OLD that some of us think that there aren't people out there. And I haven't even talked about the couple of nice ladies that I know through work here. Perhaps it's different for guys - I don't really know. For me, I'm not playing them one off against the other which is crass, but rather the first one who manages to give me that splendid kiss will probably "win".
For the first time in memory there is no "Sunday Supper" tonight. S23 did his own thing earlier so I have a nice sirloin steak broiled. The "girls" are glorying in a now toddler free house.
A bien tot mes amis.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
CL and I are getting together for brunch. I had asked her to suggest a place but she put that back on me saying that she had too many decisions and choices to make right now and just couldn't deal. She has a couple of hours between regular church services and a BBQ for her choir group. She's certainly out of practice apologizing for the short window.
I really think that she's struggling a lot but feel good that I have no urge to "rescue". She is a very capable woman who just needs to get her feet under her. And I think that I'm in a place where I can give her the time and space to do that.
I think that this works for a first date. Constrained by other commitments means that we can have a nice visit and see how things go.
I'm figuring on a mid-range place. Somewhere that has good coffee and a good kitchen. Perhaps one that takes reservations to ensure that we get a seat. Need to do some research. It's been 35 years since I spent much time in the city she lives in and back then I was a broke university student.
Even though it's a bit of a grey area here to mention things outside MWD, I came across a fabulous Ted talk by a guy named Guy Winch on broken hearts. Job - feel free to remove the reference if not allowed.
It really made me think. So much of what he says is right on the money.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Long day today. But I do have pie. Good time out at the plant open house. I chatted a bit with the two presidents and one of them had a talk to my boss "informing" him that I needed to spend time at his (closer to me) plant. I'll be there for the first part of next week sorting out some pricing and inventory issues among other things.
It had been suggested that I also go there later this week but since I have my date with CL on Sunday I thought it would be nice to be in her geography on Monday and Tuesday rather than before the date just in case. I created legitimate business reasons for this suggestion
I'm still very concerned about my career and future but one of the presidents made a point of telling me that he had work already lined up for me for the next 2 years. He's got a co-generation plant approved and on the books which would be a cool project and way out of the usual thing that I've done. Not sure if that's what he had in mind.
I did message CL today with a "hi" and a picture of my pies and got a reply back that she'd just been "served". I made brief sympathetic noises and let her know that if she wanted to chat she knew how to reach me. She said she was going to do more purging (probably not the best choice legally speaking but not for me to comment on). I think she'll need some time to deal with that and certainly space. I've been leaving the control of chatting in her hands so as to not come across all "creepy old man stalker guy" but I think reaching out briefly every few days is probably a good idea. If she wants to chat then we can, otherwise move on with my day.
I had a laugh yesterday as yet another "Russian Bride" connected to me on Messenger. "Just to chat". Since she had no bonifides from here or elsewhere I knew it was just a usual fishing expedition. She did send me some unsolicted pictures (fully-ish clothed) showing her to be a young Latina type woman after I told her that since I didn't know who she was that I wasn't interested in chatting. I really need to clean out my list on that program. There's at least a half-dozen of them who I initially accepted contact from but realized that they weren't legitimate known people.
I was a bit surprised when I got home today that S23 asked to go out for more driving practice. He did mention his mother and prior driving practice asking questions about down-shifting that she had told him about but didn't know the reason to keep the vehicle in gear at all times. I ignored the reference to his mother although a surprisingly large part of me was bursting with questions about what they did, where they went, how is she doing. None of my business / concern. Even though I'd spent about 9 hours in the car, off we went. He did well. Listened and implemented suggestions from me. I think it's more stubbornness and pride than patience that drives him which perhaps he gets from me. His temper (I blame his mother) he holds in. I was very pleased that when he was stalling the car over and over again a kindly elderly gentleman came over to see if he was having mechanical problems and S23 was cheerful although he was undoubtedly horribly embarrassed. I'm very proud of how he's conducting himself.
I realized too that Sunday would have been my 29th wedding anniversary. My first "non-aversary" as I wasn't legally divorced last August. It's also the day of my first date with CL. Could be considered karma I suppose. I have no real clue what is up with my ex though other than from the outside she appears to be "stuck" and rather unhappy.
There could be a temptation to do a "pay-back selfie" but that's not going to happen. CL is still navigating some difficult waters that are best not disturbed and we have no clue where this may (or may not) go. I "would" really frost my ex though to see me out with a younger, slimmer, very pretty and woman on what would have been "our" day especially since her own dreams of true love and romance appear (from the outside) to have turned to dust.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
What a week! Lots of stress from work. Quite a few people who are moving to the buy-out company are telling me that I should be included in the deal as well. I did have a conference call on Thursday morning with their technical and operations people and it seems that at least two of the processes I've created over the years are going to be adopted by them nationally for managing production scheduling and lab work. That makes me feel good that my work is being recognized. I did raise some flags about it with my management about handing over tools that might create a competitive advantage for the other company but they didn't seem to care. The question came up on the call of if anyone other than me can maintain this stuff and I assured them that it was all industry standard tools used and the skills were sure to be available. But there was enough grey hair on the call for them to know that it's easier to just take the mechanic as well as the tools.
I'm playing my cards fairly close to my vest right now in part because I don't know what end game I actually do want. Also, if they approach me rather than the other way around I may get a much better offer. On the other hand it may just wiz by as a chance which to be honest is actually my Plan A. I've been applying for other jobs for the last while and have been spreading the word that I may be available. I had an old colleague (who I don't really trust) reach out yesterday saying that he wanted to chat about an opportunity. I've responded in a vague fashion that I was open to hearing what he might have in mind.
It's times like this that I really miss having a partner. Someone who I can talk to about this. Someone who would have my back and be some sort of safety net if I fell.
I'm at our Sulphuric acid plant Monday and Tuesday and may talk to that division's president about what he sees as my future. My boss alternates between the charm and anger channels in his communication with me. I think he's sh!tt!ng bricks at present and is in waay over his head being the point person on this project. He has few clues about the technology used and is dismissive of it, little understanding of our business processes and horrendous organizational skills. He's gotten away with it in the past because his staff has enough competency to keep the lights on and the trucks rolling.
One thing that I'm surprisingly not too stressed out about is my date on Sunday. I've trimmed the knuckle and nose hair, plucked the ear hair and made reservations for brunch at a nice restaurant that a friend who lives in the same city as CL recommended. I have few expectations. I'll probably get a hug from CL and we'll have a nice visit. I place the odds moderately low on getting a good-bye kiss. I'll perhaps go and watch the Christopher Robin movie by myself afterwards and then head home for the ironing and Sunday supper. I have a nice roast out that I'll put in the slow-cooker before I leave for brunch.
Being as there are probably few people poorer at figuring out women than me, I'm not over-thinking things. I do think that first night was a bit of an over-reaction by CL. Everything since then has been friendly, not clingy or controlling in the least. No questions about where I am / what I'm doing. Also, no deep conversations. I've offered that she could call me but she hasn't. I have been finding out that there are a lot of layers to her and her life that I had no clue about. Perhaps she's like a nice parfait (bonus points for the reference). She's read some of the same authors as I have and some I haven't. She has a nerdy side that I had no idea of and is a big fan of Star Trek. I'm not a "trekkie" but it does speak to commonality of interest. In one message she said that she was frustrated and was going offline to do some art. I had no idea she was artistic. I'm appreciative of artistic creativity and love having pretty things around me even if I lack that creativity myself.
After I made the reservations on Wednesday I messaged her to let her know / ask how her day was going. Got a nice answer back about what she was busy with with work and an agreement that she also was really looking forward to getting together. Then we went on with our days.
Because I over-analyze things far too much, one way of looking at it is that she's now comfortable and confident that I'm around and available if / as she needs me. The other - to me more probable - answer is that she felt that she had that one moment 2 weeks ago to catch my attention and now is busy living her life. I'm following her lead in the communication and progress of how and where things are going. So far I'm pretty comfortable with it all and do in fact have no expectations.
I did hear from a friend about my ex over this past week a couple of times. I saw a couple of pictures of her at a baby shower. Such a sour expression that she had or so it seemed. She's also put on a significant amount of weight since the last time I saw her which was last November. She looks almost spherical. She'd always been heavy and was quite heavy like she is now about 12 years ago or so. but the change from November to now is pretty profound. She had worked so very hard to get her weight down, especially once she started her affair. Odd as it may sound I was rather proud of her accomplishments. I was also told that her Facebook postings are getting more frequent and more filled with anger and angst. No sign of OM anywhere. It was suggested that she's been dumped yet again which might explain the weight gain and anger. It may be that some of her angst is because of the fact that what would have been our anniversary is coming up and after all these years she's still stuck in her apartment as "the girlfriend". No clue if she thinks of me as a Plan B or not. For all I know she's satisfied with the life she is leading. She has few responsibilities, a steady income and lots of freedom. Having spent more than half of my life with her I don't believe that but have been wrong about her so very many times over the last 3 years.
I do put the odds pretty close to zero that she'll be knocking on my door even if she does hear that I've dated or if she's actually been dumped. I do expect that CL and I will have other dates as time goes on. If nothing else, she wants to review my own divorce process and forms to help guide her own process. I'm spending a bit of time today organizing things for when she asks to see my files.
I did have a nice walk at lunch on Thursday again with WL although walking briskly in a busy industrial area doesn't do much for having conversations. I think we both acknowledge it as a given that I'm interested in getting to know her better. The logistics of having dates with her are a bit more complex as she lives a fair bit further away. There is another lady at work who has been a great supporter who I was talking to on Friday and reminded that she had promised we would have lunch together. We need to try to make that happen.
I'm glad that I've not dipped into the OLD pool. My perception is that there are higher expectations of making quick decisions and commitments. CL and I have gone a couple of weeks with just a few messages and one planned date. The two WL I've known for years and years and the lady at the flower shop for 2 years. I'm pretty comfortable with all of them and believe that they are with me without the actual pressure of official dating. Perhaps there's friend-zoning going on or perhaps they're just waiting for me to take the next step. I do think that if I did start officially dating any of them that the rest would remain friends.
And who knows, maybe today when I'm grocery shopping someone will bang their cart into mine and true love will be found amidst the produce aisle
On a final note before I get my day under way, the last of the ex-wife's stuff to dispose of is now GONE! A friend of S23 had mentioned that he was interested in the old kitchen island / table thing if the price was right. The deal I had to give it to a local furniture business fell through and rather than put it on the side of the road, S23 and his friend took it yesterday. My front porch is now essentially empty for the first time since forever. If I do start dating someone I have lots of storage space
Tomorrow would have been my 29th anniversary. The day after will be the 30 year anniversary of us meeting set up by a mutual friend. As of yesterday, everything from my former wife that I was going to dispose of is gone. It will be my second date post bomb-day and first one in nearly a year. My professional future is murky but there are bright lights shining here and there. I have a nice home, loving family and great friends. I have a cat purring on my desk beside me occasionally pawing me to be stroked.
I have a feeling that I am on the cusp of great things and have no clue what they are.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Date went very well. CL looked quite fabulous and was pleased when I told her so. We talked and visited until the available time ran out. The restaurant was great and they just kept filling our coffee cups for the couple of hours we were there. I think the staff knew "first date" although we must have looked like a couple when we arrived as they asked if we were celebrating something special.
She did ask pointed questions about what role my own actions played in the end of my marriage and we did talk a fair bit about our different experiences. We also talked about our kids, experiences growing up yadda yadda yadda. She's a very interesting person. She has a lot of strength to her and is very no-nonsense. She doesn't hesitate to tell me what she thinks I should be doing but doesn't seem surprised or bothered when I disagree. I respect that. I think she's being very cautious and careful as she's exploring what she wants to do with her life going forward. What that might include I have no idea and probably she doesn't either.
She did tell me that I needed to burn my copies of Don Quixote but believe that she likes and respects the fact that I am a romantic and have the current of duty and loyalty running deep. It is who I am and I made no apologies for it.
I gave her a kiss on the cheek when we hugged good-bye. She seemed pleased by that.
We're getting together again Tuesday after work. I'm at the plant close to her on both Monday and Tuesday but she actually looked a bit disappointed when she said that Monday was her birthday and so she had other commitments. She's going away with her kids for a week to New York next week so it may be a bit before another date after Tuesday.
One thing that has coincidentally fallen out of this is that our first date now is a good memory on what would have been my anniversary. And her birthday gives me a fresh pleasant memory of someone to replace the anniversary of when my ex and I met.
Even though it is impossible for me to look at this dispassionately, I do find myself also being cautious and careful and not putting any expectations on anything other than spending some time with a smart, opinionated, and beautiful woman.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I did laugh at myself when I was out with her that my hands were actually shaking especially at the beginning. For heaven's sake I'm 54 years old and meet new people all the time. This should not have been such a big deal
I sent her a "happy birthday" message this morning and got a pleasant response after a few hours. I don't think she checks messages a lot and also has kids to deal with. I don't have her actual cell phone number so we communicate via FB Messenger. I signed off with a picture of the plant I'm visiting today.
It was funny when I got home yesterday afternoon. S23 asked how the date went but seemed more interested in when I would have dinner ready as he was planning on going out with friends in the evening and about his birthday which is coming up on Saturday. I think that was a very positive thing.
I did find this morning that I was getting worked up / nervous / excited about seeing her again tomorrow. A big part of this just feels surreal. But is indeed a real thing. I'm doing better now especially as things hit the fan here at the plant and I had to deal with real-world real-time issues. Hydrofluoric acid has a way of catching your attention
I think that part of this is the whole "wow - she's out of my league" thing which I'm sure some of my friends would whack me upside the head for. With all the hours of talking we've done on those two occasions, the fact that she knows my family including extended family, and she's been in my house means that she should have a pretty good idea of who and what I am.
I'm both nervous and looking forward to seeing her again tomorrow afternoon. We'll probably just camp out in a Starbucks for a while before she needs to head home and do adulting things for her kids. We'll coordinate tomorrow morning.
Oh - neffer - bonus points for the Rocinante reference.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew I don't feel as if I know you or your personality like I do others here. I don't connect with your differences. That's not a bad thing - please don't take it that way - we are just different people. However, dude, you have got to relax. It's only a second or third casual date. You are going to scare her away if you don't calm down.
It is amazing when you say how you are 54 and still feeling this way. I swear it never goes away. I was only like 18 or 19 when my 73 year old grandfather started "dating" after my grandmother died, but I remember thinking then, wow he's acting like my friends did in high school. It may never go away but you have to get a handle on this. You need to be confident. She's not out of your league - and you don't want to come across as she is. Yes, you actually found someone who "likes you." Don't let that be a shock to you or a one in a million thing. Don't put her on a pedestal. You have a major infatuation going here and that's not necessarily bad but can be if you let it. Don't be like a kid in a candy store, all gaga that some girl likes you. Get confidence, she's as lucky to be with you as you her and just do from there.
I know this can be hard to do. It gets easier with time and well if you have the independent/avoidant gene that I seem to have fostered. Just be yourself. Shake the nerves. You'll be fine with or without her. Don't hold on for dear life. It's not sexy nor a turn-on for her.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Like many of us perhaps I have few IRL places to process my thoughts - so I come here.
I expect that she would not be surprised that I'm nervous. Heck, she may be processing similar feelings. I'm certainly not clinging to her in any fashion. 2 texts on her birthday in the morning doesn't count as that I would think and very rare communication before that too. Certainly not anywhere on the scale of what I've read others have. She's got two kids to raise, an whacko ex (who doesn't), and a rather complex professional career to deal with. She's driving the cadence and frequency of communication. I've been fortunate that I could adjust things to be available to visit in person right now. It's tricky to do for me logistically right now due to work complications.
I am working on dealing with what for the purpose of argument we could call infatuation. I've written about that a few times - to get it out of me and examine it. It's not a place I want to be because I know that my brain won't be working right then. It's not so much "oh - ah what a wonderful person" but more so being in completely unfamiliar territory after spending more than half my life in a comfortable relationship with one person. In my own mind we're not "officially dating" even as yet.
And yes, I'll be perfectly fine if this ends up in the friend-zone or DOA. If things do heat up, slow and steady and cautious is the path. I've taken in all the advice on-board that I've gotten here and appreciated, especially the early apparent red-flags where people I respect told me to cut and run.
Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate it.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Date report. And a lengthy rambling post. Feel free to skip.
Well date #2 went fairly well. I suppose it could be considered date #3 since we did spend those 2 days together a couple of weeks ago.
CL has an executive position in the family company and usually works from home to fill in the role of SAHM so perhaps regular hours are things that happen to other people. I'd said that I would be able to leave work at 4:00 and she suggested we "meet" at 4:00 on a patio in between her house and the plant. Since she had an appointment for just after 5:00 the time for visiting was limited so I skipped out a bit early without argument. I was there late the day before so it balances out sort of. Which meant telling the control room that I needed to leave early and one of the staff at the plant I was visiting told me to "enjoy your hot date". They felt that was a good reason to get out early.
At our brunch date on Sunday CL had been dressed for church and looked spectacular. Coordinated down to matching her skirt and pumps. Yesterday she was in "slouch around the house" clothes but still looked quite nice and I told her so which flustered her a bit. Recently she had her lashes done and she did look a bit odd with these huge glamour lashes and comfy clothes. She was wearing a sleeveless top and KML will be happy to know that I did check out her elbows - age appropriate. While she's slim, she's not trim and does look like she's recently rapidly lost a fair bit of weight - some saggy arms - but hey - middle aged lady. That stuff happens and working out is something she doesn't do. And yes - she is quite pretty regardless of how she's dressed.
She was there early (again) which was a surprise and did jump out of her chair to give me a nice welcome hug. We had a good visit over a couple of drinks. She did say that being German she is usually always on time or early which is a nice difference from my ex. Her birthday yesterday as orchestrated by her kids had been low key and she seemed kind of "meh" about the whole thing. We talked about a whole bunch of things, mostly her talking but I'm more than fine with that. She does still have some major anger issues about her ex who sounds like he's following the usual entitled man-baby script. She did mention her separation date as mid-November so she is a ways out.
She does have an attitude that if he wants the divorce that he can do all the work for that. I did try to touch on some of the things that maybe she should be getting in line but she didn't care so I dropped it. It's her life, not mine. It does sound like they're getting most everything (painfully) sorted out pre-agreement and the only real item of contention is the house. I got the impression that she has a good enough income to support the family on her own.
A couple of things she said struck me as odd and I think she was testing my reaction. She had said previously that she loves her car which is new (2017). She mentioned casually that she was thinking of getting rid of it and getting a new car. I didn't think any response was necessary and didn't say yay or nay as it was none of my business. She also talked about dyeing her hair red which got a comment from me that I liked her current hair colour but that red would probably suit her as well. She's said that she and her kids struggled with her ex in him being hyper-critical and nothing ever being good enough for him. Which given her and her kids' accomplishments is just a "shake my head" moment. I think she was seeing if I would act similarly.
I did ask her about an issue I'm struggling with and needed advice on (a bit more below) and found her response odd. It was a "which option gives you more money" combined with "well - whatever makes you happy" answer. I did call her out on that last bit as that was my ex's mantra as she was working up the nerve to leave.
Some of the earlier red flags are nowhere in sight. No jealousy. No controlling action. No planning out my life for me.
A couple popped up. Rather self-centred. She seemed to have to remember to be polite to the server where it was just automatic for me. I'm working hard on paying attention to actions and not words. She jokes that she is annoyed at having to do all the "adulting" but I think she always had to and she goes out of her way to make things easier for her kids, pets and others. Being willing to carve out an hour for me between appointments and drive out of her way and being ok with going even farther out of her way so that we could have a short visit certainly was noticed by me.
She did pay with only minor arguments from me. It was more or less a non-issue or both of us. I'm not stuck up on the "I'm the man so I'll pay" thing nor the "going Dutch" or taking turns. But I do think it considerate to assume that I'll pick up the bill especially since I asked her out.
Time ran out, I walked her to her car, got another very nice hug, gave a kiss on the cheek and that was that. We did agree to meet up again after her trip to New York with her kids for a week. She has a sister who lives there that they are going to visit. So next date won't be for a couple of weeks, perhaps just before I'm off to Virginia to see my daughter in September. I have adjusted my schedule to try to be in her geography more often.
After I got home as usual I messaged her a "I got home" and "thank you for a wonderful time" and received a pleasant response. I'd also picked up a copy of her favourite movie (Princess Bride) and included a shot of that. I enjoyed it the one time I saw it and think getting familiar with it would be a nice connection for us.
I think that this date was a bit of a test on me and if so I think I did fairly well. Her ex (she says) was very critical and never complimentary. I'm the opposite and consistently so. She did seem truly glad to see me and carved a difficult to find time out of her day for us. She is absolutely looking forward to seeing me again as I am her. At this rate though it will probably be date #8 before I even get a kiss but I'm ok with that. Assuming we get to date #8.
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And now for something completely different.
I've written a few times about my concern about my job security given the corporate buy-out of 75% of the family owned company by a large multi-national.
On Monday there were unusual closed door meetings between the company president and the operations manager at the plant I was visiting. On Tuesday one of the more senior guys took me aside and told me confidentially that my current boss was retiring shortly and that it was their choice that I get his role and that I work out of this local to me plant. He and I with the office manager started going around the building talking about renovations to be made for "the new staff" including a separate manager's office - presumably for me.
There's still a fair chance that the multi-national would offer me something too. Probably involving more money and the chance to get some fresh job skills but a decrease in my quality of life. Those skills though would be quite marketable in a few years which would give me options I wouldn't have otherwise.
Neither choice has actually been presented to me. The status quo of at least a few months of security up to about a year is all that I really know. And even that is speculation. I've been assured that I'm "safe" on multiple occasions.
Part of the consideration as well is the fact that at 54 I'm not really needing to "build" my career a whole lot. I'm planning at present on working for another 15 years or so and my resume is already pretty full even if a bunch of the technical skills are rather out-dated.
I'm planning on talking this out with more of my friends IRL and with my kids. I did talk to S23 (soon to be S24) and he had no opinions. I've got a call planned with D25 tomorrow morning and lunch with a friend on Frday.
CL was right in some ways that I shouldn't get myself worked up about "what might be".
Opinions on this would be welcome if anyone feels like chiming in.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Happy Friday all! Boy it's been a heck of a week full of portents and events.
Even though it wasn't due until Wednesday, I sent off the spousal support payment on Sunday. Sunday would have also been my 29th anniversary. I know that I shouldn't have, but instead of the usual facts only "spousal support xxx-xx" note I added that "I couldn't have imagined 29 years ago a day like today". When it is picked up the recipient has the option to add a note, which she never has. This time she did with a "You know I couldn't have either".
I know that it wasn't wise nor kind to twist the knife like that and I'm largely over my anger and of course since Sunday is now the anniversary of my first "real" date with CL, my message had a double meaning.
Is my ex feeling pain for what she did? Perhaps. Does she feel guilt? Dunno. That book is very closed and I have no interest or expectations of remorse from her to me. It does still make me sad.
I had a lovely 2+ hour call with D25 yesterday morning. As always we talked about all sorts of things. I told her a bit about CL and she seemed positive but neutral on the subject. I did ask her point blank about me dating and she said that she was perfectly fine with that. She's really missing her H who is out on a cruise (Navy) and has been for some weeks. I'm visiting in a few weeks and we talked about adventures we'll go on. She is definately moving to San Diego but probably not for the better part of a year so that adjusts some of my budgeting saving me a chunk of money.
We did talk about her brother's upcoming birthday on Saturday and his wish to get his driver's license. She did express annoyance that her mother isn't helping him practice. I mentioned that she had indeed done that one day but that I had no clue if it went beyond that.
I did talk to S23 last night about what he wants for his birthday supper. We will have cake at the very least made by a friend of mine who is a professional baker. I don't think his mother has spent time with him on his actual birthday for 3 years now. Since she left. I'm thinking I may broil or BBQ up some steaks.
I had an odd encounter yesterday. I do believe that one of my co-workers was hitting on me. A very attractive lady who works in our credit group was in my office for meetings and made a point of stopping by to chat. I barely know this woman but she chatted like we were old friends, insisted on showing me pictures and such and was very intrusive into my physical personal space. I talked a bit about my kids like a Dad would and she did ask me how old I was and seemed shocked at 54 telling me that she thought I looked much younger. She got all excited when I happened to mention that I used to pass though the Abatibi regularly as she grew up in Amos, Quebec where I used to stop for soup while driving farther North. She seemed open to further conversations and hinted that she hoped to see me soon. I was non-committal especially because of the prominent wedding ring she wore. She made no mention of husband / kids of her own but still ... Sheesh. It was possibly all in my imagination I suppose.
CL is probably off to New York in the next day or so if she hasn't left already. I'm going to send her a bon-voyage note and a suggestion that she send me highlights of her trip as she adventures around. It would be nice to share in her travels and joy that she encounters. I do wish that she initiated conversation more but at this point at least she doesn't. I do once every few days but the exchanges are generally brief. She does have other things to do though. She does talk my ear off when we are together.
I'm having lunch today with a good friend and will bounce some of my work conundrums off him for his advice. I've also adjusted my schedule semi-permanently to be in the plant close to CL 2 days a week which should help with that. Even if nothing goes anywhere it gives me some solid quality of life improvements
Well - the kettle is finished. Time to pour my tea, get my shower and seize the last working day of this rather eventful week.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I saw nothing wrong with your posting with the spousal support payment. The anniversary brought back many good memories for you and evidently, it did for her as well. Even though she is gone, she still has moments that she thinks about her life and what it was like prior to running away. They all do...some admit it, others leave hints of doing so and others won't. How can they not think about what they have lost? They are memories and memories cannot be erased.
You've been patient w/your son and I do hope he gets his driver's license. It will be a boost for him and then he can begin driving himself around and to and from work.
Have a pleasant weekend and happy birthday to your son.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I wish I could give career advice, but I really can't so I'll leave that to those who are better able to address that.
Happy birthday to your son. Your relationship with your children is inspiring.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I think I'm going to burn through this thread fairly quickly. I'm having ideas about another change in direction anyway so I'll just ramble for a bit before I pivot.
I was listening to the NASA Johnston Space Centre podcast (Canadian spelling for me!) yesterday and they referenced a study started in 1986 called the "Nun Study" where they followed a group of nuns (not in the creepy way) and found some interesting trends in the incidence of dementia in them.
Since the nuns all lived a similar life with similar diet and environment, this was an excellent sample population.
What I found fascinating and applicable was that they were able to use the early writings of these nuns as a reliable predictor of their chance of dementia in later life.
Originally Posted by wikipedia
Researchers have also accessed the convent archive to review documents amassed throughout the lives of the nuns in the study. Among the documents reviewed were autobiographical essays that had been written by the nuns upon joining the sisterhood; upon review, it was found that an essay's lack of linguistic density (e.g., complexity, vivacity, fluency) functioned as a significant predictor of its author's risk for developing Alzheimer's disease in old age. The approximate mean age of the nuns at the time of writing was merely 22 years. Roughly 80% of nuns whose writing was measured as lacking in linguistic density went on to develop Alzheimer's disease in old age; meanwhile, of those whose writing was not lacking, only 10% later developed the disease.
Overall, findings of the Nun Study suggest "that traits in early, mid, and late life have strong relationships with the risk of Alzheimer's disease, as well as the mental and cognitive disabilities of old age."
My own father was diagnosed with a frontal lobe dementia in his early 70s so even though this study is about Alzheimer's it does make me smile thinking of my long rambling posts here as perhaps a predictor that I am perhaps using this place to stave off dementia
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I've been following occasionally some other male posters and their adventures in the OLD world. Certainly a very different attitude than I myself have. I'd considered posting on the relevant threads but I think my world view and theirs are perhaps too different. Neither is wrong, just different. Certainly physical attractiveness is a pleasant thing and can also be an indicator that a person has a good opinion of themselves. There seems to be an urgency in their actions which I can understand but don't have myself. Being as I'm not doing the OLD thing and in fact haven't really checked out the sites for some weeks (co-inciding with meeting up with CL) I am necessarily working with a smaller pool of people who I could date. It works for me right now.
Speaking of CL - she's off with her kids now for New York. I sent her a bonne voyage message yesterday morning that she replied to mid-afternoon. We'll undoubtedly get together when she gets back. I'd suggested that she send me updates on her travels but TBH don't really expect to get any. She's not a texting to AndrewP kinda gal it would seem. Not sure how she interacts with others. Her social media presence is pretty minimal as well, ramping up after her own bomb-day just like mine did and probably a lot of others here as we reach out for validation.
On a whim I looked back on Facebook to her Dad's funeral which is when we met a bit over 2 years ago. I was fresh from the shock of my now ex having left the matrimonial home. She was attending her father's funeral with her siblings and mother but without husband. According to my understanding of her timelines it would have been when he was ramping up the anger and blame everyone except himself time. She looked very sad in the pictures I saw which is only understandable but I do remember her as an engaging and charming woman with an insightful way of conversation. Looking at the pictures she was certainly a fair bit heavier back then but who of us wasn't pre-bomb-day. Still very pretty. I remember telling my SIL after that day that one day I hoped to meet someone as nice as her. Funny how the world works out.
Since faith forms such a big part of her life I did some reading about opinions of a devout Christian having a relationship with someone who is agnostic like myself. I certainly am supportive of her faith and those others around me who follow those paths but don't see myself treading them myself. A key thing that I read in the articles was that unless the agnostic partner was willing to convert and accept the devout partner's faith that it was a doomed relationship. Since I have a number of friends here whose opinions I quite respect who are people of Faith, I'd appreciate some feedback on this. A couple of the ladies I know who are quite devout and single perhaps in part because finding available partners within a specific faith community can be hard I would expect. CL's STBX was very active in their church, visiting the elderly, teaching the Gospel, holding bible study sessions in their home. After bomb-day he rarely attends which matches a common narrative we see here.
CL certainly has made no effort to interest me in her Faith and unless you knew her or interacted with her on an occasion where her Faith is directly involved, you would imagine her to be a standard Easter / Christmas Christian.
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Even though it is still "very" early days, I'd done some thinking and realistically can't expect CL to be interested in moving any sort of relationship too far forward for quite a while. And that's fine. Her daughter is re-doing the last year of high school due to the stresses in the family for the past couple of years. Her son is working through is own issues as is she herself. There's a family event on my side - a stag and doe for one of my nephews - at the end of October which I have two tickets to and which she told me that she'd be my date for. When it gets closer I'll ask her. It would probably be an appropriate timeline for us to be identified publicly as a couple - if things do go in that direction. There'll be lots of people there posting all sorts of stuff on social media so if we are there together it will be remarked on.
Look at me! Thinking about the future and junk like that!
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Part of the slow timelines are with regards to S24 (his birthday is today). He's likely to be living with me for a while still yet and while he'd be OK (probably) with me getting more serious about someone it would be good to have him living on his own before it got extra serious. (no - don't order the invitations )
We had a talk last night. He works as a labourer earning minimum wage but struggles to get enough hours to be independent. His hours are uncertain so getting a second job won't work if he keeps his existing job. We have such a labour shortage in this area right now that if he were to quit, his boss might have to close his doors. The reason he gets so few hours is that his boss can't reliably get a big enough crew together to work the jobs he already has on his book of business. Margins being tight, he can't really offer more money. S24 is trying to work through the conflict between supporting his boss - who he also considers a friend - and the fact that he really does want to become independent.
I'm grateful that we have the luxury of him being able to stay here as he works through this all.
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I had a very nice lunch with a dear friend yesterday. Someone who is a self-described sneaky b@st@rd. We talked about the rumours I'd heard about my future options and the implications of it all. More and more it looks like the best option for me is to get the promotion that was suggested to me and a relocation to a more local to me plant. This of course is just rumours and whispers but given the known facts it makes a huge amount sense for the company to do this. Going to the multi-national (which is also just rumour) is a less palatable option from a quality of life point of view although career building. At 54 though, given the options of a forking road, I do have choices to make in terms of which way I pivot and age does play into this even though I'm still reasonably young.
He's suggested re-reading The Prince and The Art of War - both books which are highly mis-understood by people who have not read them. His suggestion is to see what can be done to nudge management towards the decision that I want them to make and which it would appear that they might have already made. But again, none of this is fact until an actual offer is made so I need to also continue as if such things don't exist and continue my search for a role outside the organizations involved that would give me the combination of security, work-life balance, and career fulfillment that I want. No matter what, it will realistically be roughly a year before in a worst case scenario that I would be downsized.
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Well - enough for now. I've staved off dementia for another day I hope. Steaks are out defrosting for S24's birthday dinner. The baker contacted me yesterday and his cake should be ready to pick up around 2:00.
His friend ("Twenty Something") was supposed to be up here as well since they share a birthday and she's my "extra daughter". After cake they were going to go out to her parent's farm for a drunken soiree. She's not coming. She does live on the other side of the province so that's pretty reasonable. S24 thinks he might go over to a buddy's house tonight and I'll give him the option of hanging out with ole Dad and we would maybe watch a movie. Doubtful he'll take me up on it. D26 is supposed to call in to sing Happy Birthday at him but I noticed that her H's ship just came in to dock yesterday afternoon after being at sea for nearly a month. She may be "ahem" occupied with more pressing issues. I'll let her know that the singing is very optional.
My usual round of Saturday errands and chores are on the list. I hope to get the grass cut but we did have a lovely hard rain overnight last night. I'll at least be able to hang my laundry out. The nice lady at the flower shop wasn't there last week and the week before I'd been a bit more flirty than usual perhaps raising expectations there. I'll need to tamp that back slightly. While in some ways I don't have too much of an issue with casually dating more than one woman at a time, I expect that the women involved may have different opinions.
Have a fabulous weekend one and all! Mine is shaping up quite nicely thus far.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I think I need to figure out how to back away a bit more firmly from the lady at the flower shop. I quite like her and the shop. When I was in there, (she looked great BTW), she made a point of engaging with me even more than usual. I don't want to tell her that I have a girlfriend - cuz I don't - and I hate to think that I'm thinking of her as a Plan B. But the reality is that is the case. I do want to explore where things are going with CL though. I do think that the flower shop lady is expecting to be asked out any day now though.
I was tempted to pick up something from the shop and mention that it was for a lady friend. Perhaps that's the right direction to go. I don't know. I never imagined that I would have options
S24's birthday went well. He visited with a buddy and helped him with some home repairs through the afternoon. We had some nice steaks for dinner and I managed to cook his the way that he liked for a change D26 and her H called in via Skype and we all sang "Happy Birthday" at him. I got him a renewal for an online sports service as a gift which essentially means that he'll just leave my credit card info on his subscription.
After dinner he headed back over to his friend's house and I decided to sit outside on such a lovely night with a fire and a glass or two of wine. Dishes I decided could wait for another day.
While I was sitting out there listening to music, The Girl from Ipanema came up on the play list so I sent a short clip to CL. Received a brief, nice response which indicated that she and the kids had arrived safely and were all very tired. I expect that she was familiar with the song. I hope she thought it sweet.
Sunday was also a pretty good day. I had a nice walk and then the cafe I go to for lunch had saved me that last bowl of soup and I had a brief visit with my friend the owner.
When I got home, surprisingly S24 was up and dressed and when I asked him what he wanted for Sunday supper he mentioned that he probably wouldn't be home for it - code for he was seeing his mother. He headed out and walked around the corner - presumably his mother and OM were hiding from me there as a few minutes later I saw his truck driving off. Whatever. It is a confirmation that his mother is still seeing OM - something I wasn't sure about given the anger and angst I've heard about second hand.
Since I didn't expect S24 home, I had a pleasant afternoon. I emptied and scrubbed all the kitchen cupboards doing another purge in the process. I had asked S24 to do this in the winter but it never got done. Got my ironing done and was just doing up the dishes from my solo Sunday supper when S24 came home. He was in a foul humour, snapped at me for having had another piece of his birthday cake then he dumped two giant blocks of cheese in the fridge (presumably his birthday present from his mother / OM the milkman) and shut himself up in his room for the rest of the evening.
Since we had just bought cheese (it was on sale), I found this fairly funny and so sent a quick message off to CL. She seemed to find the humour in the situation as well and we had a rather nice exchange.
This morning S24 who is not a morning person at the best of times was still in a foul humour as we both headed out to work. I expect he'll get over it in time and it's certainly not something that he would be wanting to discuss with me I am sure.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
TOTALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY agree with V. Why can't you go out with flower shop lady? I understand you have some feelings for CL, but if y'all aren't exclusive, why limit yourself? If you don't go out with her, I think you need to be honest with her. I'm just thinking selfishly here for a second, but if I were in her shoes and some dude I was into came in and bought flowers and made a point of telling me they were for another lady, I would be P!SSED. I would rather be told to my face, hey you are a nice lady, but I'm into someone else right now, than for someone to beat around the bush about it. But, that is just me..........................
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I agree with Vanilla and Dawn...ask the flower shop lady out for coffee. You are not in an exclusive relationship and it's better to date a few and just enjoy yourself, i.e., sharing time w/others.
As for your son, I have a feeling that things didn't go as planned for his birthday. Cheese? Who sends cheese home w/their son? I don't blame him, I wouldn't be too happy if my special day wasn't that great.
Eventually he may very well tell you about it....
Enjoy your week.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Personally I'm not comfortable with the idea of multi-dating and suspect that the ladies in my life wouldn't be either. Yes, I know it's a thing and a healthy thing, but I don't know as if I personally have the emotional space to be able to do that.
I do appreciate the input on how to approach the flower shop lady about the fact that I am dating even if it isn't very serious. I agree, open and honest is best. Assuming that I have another date with CL in a week or so I may mention being nervous about that. That will let her know that for present that I'm not going to be asking her out but that things may change. Which is the absolute truth. Not as her being a plan B either since I'd never gotten the nerve up enough to ask her out again.
Cheeeese - and it's not even "my" cheese. S24 will work though it in time. It is a pretty "cheesy" birthday present but his mother was always bad at gift giving. And I'm sure that it's a blatant kick at me by her that she's got her own private supply of milk byproducts.
I did read about J9's adventures and TBH, the assertiveness creeped me out a bit. But I'm perhaps gun-shy and better off with second hand cheese. If someone who I had only known for a short time came on to me that strong I'd probably cut and run. But I'm not representative of my gender or presumaly common experience.
S24 seemed a bit grumpy when I got home today but perked up a bit as we chatted. I did remark that I hoped he was in a better humour when we reviewed our respective days. I also mentioned that I had been messaging with CL again last night and told him about her unexpected encounter with a possum in Manhattan which caused a chuckle. No clue if he's passed info on to his mother or not but I think he's happy that I'm happy. I expect he also appreciates my openness and honesty - traits I raised him to expect and respect.
We talked about the kitchen purging I did and he then had to check out the cupboards where he agreed with the choices I made. I did mention that I couldn't find the paddles to the old stationary mixer we have and suggested that the paddles had "left the house". He thought that unlikely but may ask his mother (or may not). The mixer was from her mother and really I just have it out more as kitchen decoration than anything. He's still got that paper-towel holder that he should have passed to her in his room perhaps being passive-agressive.
I had won $20 in the lottery so cashed my ticket and bought fresh baked chocolate chip cookies which I made sure to tell him were "family" cookies and to help himself. Fresh baking is always a help for either of us when we feel down. He had made bread on Saturday and his supper tonight was two "man slabs" with a decadent coating of butter. I think he's feeling better now.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
. "Still has his own hair and teeth" maybe 
I'll try to cut the cheese.
. But I really do appreciate it. You've all been very kind to give me lots to think about. I think that without you I would have indeed made some poorer choices than I have otherwise.