Travels through La Mancha

[AndrewP]

Date report. And a lengthy rambling post. Feel free to skip.

Well date #2 went fairly well. I suppose it could be considered date #3 since we did spend those 2 days together a couple of weeks ago.

CL has an executive position in the family company and usually works from home to fill in the role of SAHM so perhaps regular hours are things that happen to other people. I'd said that I would be able to leave work at 4:00 and she suggested we "meet" at 4:00 on a patio in between her house and the plant. Since she had an appointment for just after 5:00 the time for visiting was limited so I skipped out a bit early without argument. I was there late the day before so it balances out sort of. Which meant telling the control room that I needed to leave early and one of the staff at the plant I was visiting told me to "enjoy your hot date". They felt that was a good reason to get out early.

At our brunch date on Sunday CL had been dressed for church and looked spectacular. Coordinated down to matching her skirt and pumps. Yesterday she was in "slouch around the house" clothes but still looked quite nice and I told her so which flustered her a bit. Recently she had her lashes done and she did look a bit odd with these huge glamour lashes and comfy clothes. She was wearing a sleeveless top and KML will be happy to know that I did check out her elbows - age appropriate. While she's slim, she's not trim and does look like she's recently rapidly lost a fair bit of weight - some saggy arms - but hey - middle aged lady. That stuff happens and working out is something she doesn't do. And yes - she is quite pretty regardless of how she's dressed.

She was there early (again) which was a surprise and did jump out of her chair to give me a nice welcome hug. We had a good visit over a couple of drinks. She did say that being German she is usually always on time or early which is a nice difference from my ex. Her birthday yesterday as orchestrated by her kids had been low key and she seemed kind of "meh" about the whole thing. We talked about a whole bunch of things, mostly her talking but I'm more than fine with that. She does still have some major anger issues about her ex who sounds like he's following the usual entitled man-baby script. She did mention her separation date as mid-November so she is a ways out.

She does have an attitude that if he wants the divorce that he can do all the work for that. I did try to touch on some of the things that maybe she should be getting in line but she didn't care so I dropped it. It's her life, not mine. It does sound like they're getting most everything (painfully) sorted out pre-agreement and the only real item of contention is the house. I got the impression that she has a good enough income to support the family on her own.

A couple of things she said struck me as odd and I think she was testing my reaction. She had said previously that she loves her car which is new (2017). She mentioned casually that she was thinking of getting rid of it and getting a new car. I didn't think any response was necessary and didn't say yay or nay as it was none of my business. She also talked about dyeing her hair red which got a comment from me that I liked her current hair colour but that red would probably suit her as well. She's said that she and her kids struggled with her ex in him being hyper-critical and nothing ever being good enough for him. Which given her and her kids' accomplishments is just a "shake my head" moment. I think she was seeing if I would act similarly.

I did ask her about an issue I'm struggling with and needed advice on (a bit more below) and found her response odd. It was a "which option gives you more money" combined with "well - whatever makes you happy" answer. I did call her out on that last bit as that was my ex's mantra as she was working up the nerve to leave.

Some of the earlier red flags are nowhere in sight. No jealousy. No controlling action. No planning out my life for me.

A couple popped up. Rather self-centred. She seemed to have to remember to be polite to the server where it was just automatic for me. I'm working hard on paying attention to actions and not words. She jokes that she is annoyed at having to do all the "adulting" but I think she always had to and she goes out of her way to make things easier for her kids, pets and others. Being willing to carve out an hour for me between appointments and drive out of her way and being ok with going even farther out of her way so that we could have a short visit certainly was noticed by me.

She did pay with only minor arguments from me. It was more or less a non-issue or both of us. I'm not stuck up on the "I'm the man so I'll pay" thing nor the "going Dutch" or taking turns. But I do think it considerate to assume that I'll pick up the bill especially since I asked her out.

Time ran out, I walked her to her car, got another very nice hug, gave a kiss on the cheek and that was that. We did agree to meet up again after her trip to New York with her kids for a week. She has a sister who lives there that they are going to visit. So next date won't be for a couple of weeks, perhaps just before I'm off to Virginia to see my daughter in September. I have adjusted my schedule to try to be in her geography more often.

After I got home as usual I messaged her a "I got home" and "thank you for a wonderful time" and received a pleasant response. I'd also picked up a copy of her favourite movie (Princess Bride) and included a shot of that. I enjoyed it the one time I saw it and think getting familiar with it would be a nice connection for us.

I think that this date was a bit of a test on me and if so I think I did fairly well. Her ex (she says) was very critical and never complimentary. I'm the opposite and consistently so. She did seem truly glad to see me and carved a difficult to find time out of her day for us. She is absolutely looking forward to seeing me again as I am her. At this rate though it will probably be date #8 before I even get a kiss but I'm ok with that. Assuming we get to date #8.

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And now for something completely different.

I've written a few times about my concern about my job security given the corporate buy-out of 75% of the family owned company by a large multi-national.

On Monday there were unusual closed door meetings between the company president and the operations manager at the plant I was visiting. On Tuesday one of the more senior guys took me aside and told me confidentially that my current boss was retiring shortly and that it was their choice that I get his role and that I work out of this local to me plant. He and I with the office manager started going around the building talking about renovations to be made for "the new staff" including a separate manager's office - presumably for me.

There's still a fair chance that the multi-national would offer me something too. Probably involving more money and the chance to get some fresh job skills but a decrease in my quality of life. Those skills though would be quite marketable in a few years which would give me options I wouldn't have otherwise.

Neither choice has actually been presented to me. The status quo of at least a few months of security up to about a year is all that I really know. And even that is speculation. I've been assured that I'm "safe" on multiple occasions.

Part of the consideration as well is the fact that at 54 I'm not really needing to "build" my career a whole lot. I'm planning at present on working for another 15 years or so and my resume is already pretty full even if a bunch of the technical skills are rather out-dated.

I'm planning on talking this out with more of my friends IRL and with my kids. I did talk to S23 (soon to be S24) and he had no opinions. I've got a call planned with D25 tomorrow morning and lunch with a friend on Frday.

CL was right in some ways that I shouldn't get myself worked up about "what might be".

Opinions on this would be welcome if anyone feels like chiming in.

[AndrewP]

Happy Friday all! Boy it's been a heck of a week full of portents and events.

Even though it wasn't due until Wednesday, I sent off the spousal support payment on Sunday. Sunday would have also been my 29th anniversary. I know that I shouldn't have, but instead of the usual facts only "spousal support xxx-xx" note I added that "I couldn't have imagined 29 years ago a day like today". When it is picked up the recipient has the option to add a note, which she never has. This time she did with a "You know I couldn't have either".

I know that it wasn't wise nor kind to twist the knife like that and I'm largely over my anger and of course since Sunday is now the anniversary of my first "real" date with CL, my message had a double meaning.

Is my ex feeling pain for what she did? Perhaps. Does she feel guilt? Dunno. That book is very closed and I have no interest or expectations of remorse from her to me. It does still make me sad.

I had a lovely 2+ hour call with D25 yesterday morning. As always we talked about all sorts of things. I told her a bit about CL and she seemed positive but neutral on the subject. I did ask her point blank about me dating and she said that she was perfectly fine with that. She's really missing her H who is out on a cruise (Navy) and has been for some weeks. I'm visiting in a few weeks and we talked about adventures we'll go on. She is definately moving to San Diego but probably not for the better part of a year so that adjusts some of my budgeting saving me a chunk of money.

We did talk about her brother's upcoming birthday on Saturday and his wish to get his driver's license. She did express annoyance that her mother isn't helping him practice. I mentioned that she had indeed done that one day but that I had no clue if it went beyond that.

I did talk to S23 last night about what he wants for his birthday supper. We will have cake at the very least made by a friend of mine who is a professional baker. I don't think his mother has spent time with him on his actual birthday for 3 years now. Since she left. I'm thinking I may broil or BBQ up some steaks.

I had an odd encounter yesterday. I do believe that one of my co-workers was hitting on me. A very attractive lady who works in our credit group was in my office for meetings and made a point of stopping by to chat. I barely know this woman but she chatted like we were old friends, insisted on showing me pictures and such and was very intrusive into my physical personal space. I talked a bit about my kids like a Dad would and she did ask me how old I was and seemed shocked at 54 telling me that she thought I looked much younger. She got all excited when I happened to mention that I used to pass though the Abatibi regularly as she grew up in Amos, Quebec where I used to stop for soup while driving farther North. She seemed open to further conversations and hinted that she hoped to see me soon. I was non-committal especially because of the prominent wedding ring she wore. She made no mention of husband / kids of her own but still ... Sheesh. It was possibly all in my imagination I suppose.

CL is probably off to New York in the next day or so if she hasn't left already. I'm going to send her a bon-voyage note and a suggestion that she send me highlights of her trip as she adventures around. It would be nice to share in her travels and joy that she encounters. I do wish that she initiated conversation more but at this point at least she doesn't. I do once every few days but the exchanges are generally brief. She does have other things to do though. She does talk my ear off when we are together.

I'm having lunch today with a good friend and will bounce some of my work conundrums off him for his advice. I've also adjusted my schedule semi-permanently to be in the plant close to CL 2 days a week which should help with that. Even if nothing goes anywhere it gives me some solid quality of life improvements

Well - the kettle is finished. Time to pour my tea, get my shower and seize the last working day of this rather eventful week.

[neffer]

Have a nice weekend Andrew and my best wishes for your Son.

[job]

Andrew,

I saw nothing wrong with your posting with the spousal support payment. The anniversary brought back many good memories for you and evidently, it did for her as well. Even though she is gone, she still has moments that she thinks about her life and what it was like prior to running away. They all do...some admit it, others leave hints of doing so and others won't. How can they not think about what they have lost? They are memories and memories cannot be erased.

You've been patient w/your son and I do hope he gets his driver's license. It will be a boost for him and then he can begin driving himself around and to and from work.

Have a pleasant weekend and happy birthday to your son.

[Dawn70]

I wish I could give career advice, but I really can't so I'll leave that to those who are better able to address that.

Happy birthday to your son. Your relationship with your children is inspiring.

[AndrewP]

I think I'm going to burn through this thread fairly quickly. I'm having ideas about another change in direction anyway so I'll just ramble for a bit before I pivot.

I was listening to the NASA Johnston Space Centre podcast (Canadian spelling for me!) yesterday and they referenced a study started in 1986 called the "Nun Study" where they followed a group of nuns (not in the creepy way) and found some interesting trends in the incidence of dementia in them.

Since the nuns all lived a similar life with similar diet and environment, this was an excellent sample population.

What I found fascinating and applicable was that they were able to use the early writings of these nuns as a reliable predictor of their chance of dementia in later life.

Researchers have also accessed the convent archive to review documents amassed throughout the lives of the nuns in the study. Among the documents reviewed were autobiographical essays that had been written by the nuns upon joining the sisterhood; upon review, it was found that an essay's lack of linguistic density (e.g., complexity, vivacity, fluency) functioned as a significant predictor of its author's risk for developing Alzheimer's disease in old age. The approximate mean age of the nuns at the time of writing was merely 22 years. Roughly 80% of nuns whose writing was measured as lacking in linguistic density went on to develop Alzheimer's disease in old age; meanwhile, of those whose writing was not lacking, only 10% later developed the disease.

Overall, findings of the Nun Study suggest "that traits in early, mid, and late life have strong relationships with the risk of Alzheimer's disease, as well as the mental and cognitive disabilities of old age."

My own father was diagnosed with a frontal lobe dementia in his early 70s so even though this study is about Alzheimer's it does make me smile thinking of my long rambling posts here as perhaps a predictor that I am perhaps using this place to stave off dementia

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I've been following occasionally some other male posters and their adventures in the OLD world. Certainly a very different attitude than I myself have. I'd considered posting on the relevant threads but I think my world view and theirs are perhaps too different. Neither is wrong, just different. Certainly physical attractiveness is a pleasant thing and can also be an indicator that a person has a good opinion of themselves. There seems to be an urgency in their actions which I can understand but don't have myself. Being as I'm not doing the OLD thing and in fact haven't really checked out the sites for some weeks (co-inciding with meeting up with CL) I am necessarily working with a smaller pool of people who I could date. It works for me right now.

Speaking of CL - she's off with her kids now for New York. I sent her a bonne voyage message yesterday morning that she replied to mid-afternoon. We'll undoubtedly get together when she gets back. I'd suggested that she send me updates on her travels but TBH don't really expect to get any. She's not a texting to AndrewP kinda gal it would seem. Not sure how she interacts with others. Her social media presence is pretty minimal as well, ramping up after her own bomb-day just like mine did and probably a lot of others here as we reach out for validation.

On a whim I looked back on Facebook to her Dad's funeral which is when we met a bit over 2 years ago. I was fresh from the shock of my now ex having left the matrimonial home. She was attending her father's funeral with her siblings and mother but without husband. According to my understanding of her timelines it would have been when he was ramping up the anger and blame everyone except himself time. She looked very sad in the pictures I saw which is only understandable but I do remember her as an engaging and charming woman with an insightful way of conversation. Looking at the pictures she was certainly a fair bit heavier back then but who of us wasn't pre-bomb-day. Still very pretty. I remember telling my SIL after that day that one day I hoped to meet someone as nice as her. Funny how the world works out.

Since faith forms such a big part of her life I did some reading about opinions of a devout Christian having a relationship with someone who is agnostic like myself. I certainly am supportive of her faith and those others around me who follow those paths but don't see myself treading them myself. A key thing that I read in the articles was that unless the agnostic partner was willing to convert and accept the devout partner's faith that it was a doomed relationship. Since I have a number of friends here whose opinions I quite respect who are people of Faith, I'd appreciate some feedback on this. A couple of the ladies I know who are quite devout and single perhaps in part because finding available partners within a specific faith community can be hard I would expect. CL's STBX was very active in their church, visiting the elderly, teaching the Gospel, holding bible study sessions in their home. After bomb-day he rarely attends which matches a common narrative we see here.

CL certainly has made no effort to interest me in her Faith and unless you knew her or interacted with her on an occasion where her Faith is directly involved, you would imagine her to be a standard Easter / Christmas Christian.

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Even though it is still "very" early days, I'd done some thinking and realistically can't expect CL to be interested in moving any sort of relationship too far forward for quite a while. And that's fine. Her daughter is re-doing the last year of high school due to the stresses in the family for the past couple of years. Her son is working through is own issues as is she herself. There's a family event on my side - a stag and doe for one of my nephews - at the end of October which I have two tickets to and which she told me that she'd be my date for. When it gets closer I'll ask her. It would probably be an appropriate timeline for us to be identified publicly as a couple - if things do go in that direction. There'll be lots of people there posting all sorts of stuff on social media so if we are there together it will be remarked on.

Look at me! Thinking about the future and junk like that!

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Part of the slow timelines are with regards to S24 (his birthday is today). He's likely to be living with me for a while still yet and while he'd be OK (probably) with me getting more serious about someone it would be good to have him living on his own before it got extra serious. (no - don't order the invitations )

We had a talk last night. He works as a labourer earning minimum wage but struggles to get enough hours to be independent. His hours are uncertain so getting a second job won't work if he keeps his existing job. We have such a labour shortage in this area right now that if he were to quit, his boss might have to close his doors. The reason he gets so few hours is that his boss can't reliably get a big enough crew together to work the jobs he already has on his book of business. Margins being tight, he can't really offer more money. S24 is trying to work through the conflict between supporting his boss - who he also considers a friend - and the fact that he really does want to become independent.

I'm grateful that we have the luxury of him being able to stay here as he works through this all.

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I had a very nice lunch with a dear friend yesterday. Someone who is a self-described sneaky b@st@rd. We talked about the rumours I'd heard about my future options and the implications of it all. More and more it looks like the best option for me is to get the promotion that was suggested to me and a relocation to a more local to me plant. This of course is just rumours and whispers but given the known facts it makes a huge amount sense for the company to do this. Going to the multi-national (which is also just rumour) is a less palatable option from a quality of life point of view although career building. At 54 though, given the options of a forking road, I do have choices to make in terms of which way I pivot and age does play into this even though I'm still reasonably young.

He's suggested re-reading The Prince and The Art of War - both books which are highly mis-understood by people who have not read them. His suggestion is to see what can be done to nudge management towards the decision that I want them to make and which it would appear that they might have already made. But again, none of this is fact until an actual offer is made so I need to also continue as if such things don't exist and continue my search for a role outside the organizations involved that would give me the combination of security, work-life balance, and career fulfillment that I want. No matter what, it will realistically be roughly a year before in a worst case scenario that I would be downsized.

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Well - enough for now. I've staved off dementia for another day I hope. Steaks are out defrosting for S24's birthday dinner. The baker contacted me yesterday and his cake should be ready to pick up around 2:00.

His friend ("Twenty Something") was supposed to be up here as well since they share a birthday and she's my "extra daughter". After cake they were going to go out to her parent's farm for a drunken soiree. She's not coming. She does live on the other side of the province so that's pretty reasonable. S24 thinks he might go over to a buddy's house tonight and I'll give him the option of hanging out with ole Dad and we would maybe watch a movie. Doubtful he'll take me up on it. D26 is supposed to call in to sing Happy Birthday at him but I noticed that her H's ship just came in to dock yesterday afternoon after being at sea for nearly a month. She may be "ahem" occupied with more pressing issues. I'll let her know that the singing is very optional.

My usual round of Saturday errands and chores are on the list. I hope to get the grass cut but we did have a lovely hard rain overnight last night. I'll at least be able to hang my laundry out. The nice lady at the flower shop wasn't there last week and the week before I'd been a bit more flirty than usual perhaps raising expectations there. I'll need to tamp that back slightly. While in some ways I don't have too much of an issue with casually dating more than one woman at a time, I expect that the women involved may have different opinions.

Have a fabulous weekend one and all! Mine is shaping up quite nicely thus far.

[AndrewP]

Post Weekend Journaling / Diary

It was a nice and reasonably quiet weekend.

I think I need to figure out how to back away a bit more firmly from the lady at the flower shop. I quite like her and the shop. When I was in there, (she looked great BTW), she made a point of engaging with me even more than usual. I don't want to tell her that I have a girlfriend - cuz I don't - and I hate to think that I'm thinking of her as a Plan B. But the reality is that is the case. I do want to explore where things are going with CL though. I do think that the flower shop lady is expecting to be asked out any day now though.

I was tempted to pick up something from the shop and mention that it was for a lady friend. Perhaps that's the right direction to go. I don't know. I never imagined that I would have options

S24's birthday went well. He visited with a buddy and helped him with some home repairs through the afternoon. We had some nice steaks for dinner and I managed to cook his the way that he liked for a change D26 and her H called in via Skype and we all sang "Happy Birthday" at him. I got him a renewal for an online sports service as a gift which essentially means that he'll just leave my credit card info on his subscription.

After dinner he headed back over to his friend's house and I decided to sit outside on such a lovely night with a fire and a glass or two of wine. Dishes I decided could wait for another day.

While I was sitting out there listening to music, The Girl from Ipanema came up on the play list so I sent a short clip to CL. Received a brief, nice response which indicated that she and the kids had arrived safely and were all very tired. I expect that she was familiar with the song. I hope she thought it sweet.

Sunday was also a pretty good day. I had a nice walk and then the cafe I go to for lunch had saved me that last bowl of soup and I had a brief visit with my friend the owner.

When I got home, surprisingly S24 was up and dressed and when I asked him what he wanted for Sunday supper he mentioned that he probably wouldn't be home for it - code for he was seeing his mother. He headed out and walked around the corner - presumably his mother and OM were hiding from me there as a few minutes later I saw his truck driving off. Whatever. It is a confirmation that his mother is still seeing OM - something I wasn't sure about given the anger and angst I've heard about second hand.

Since I didn't expect S24 home, I had a pleasant afternoon. I emptied and scrubbed all the kitchen cupboards doing another purge in the process. I had asked S24 to do this in the winter but it never got done. Got my ironing done and was just doing up the dishes from my solo Sunday supper when S24 came home. He was in a foul humour, snapped at me for having had another piece of his birthday cake then he dumped two giant blocks of cheese in the fridge (presumably his birthday present from his mother / OM the milkman) and shut himself up in his room for the rest of the evening.

Since we had just bought cheese (it was on sale), I found this fairly funny and so sent a quick message off to CL. She seemed to find the humour in the situation as well and we had a rather nice exchange.

This morning S24 who is not a morning person at the best of times was still in a foul humour as we both headed out to work. I expect he'll get over it in time and it's certainly not something that he would be wanting to discuss with me I am sure.

[Vanilla]

Cheeeeeeeeeese

Andrew gets cheeeeeeeese and J9 gets nookie and his bones rocked.

I am going to slap my friend Andrew with a skipper. Go DATE, ask flower shop lady out for coffee.

Go dating.

V

[Dawn70]

TOTALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLY agree with V. Why can't you go out with flower shop lady? I understand you have some feelings for CL, but if y'all aren't exclusive, why limit yourself? If you don't go out with her, I think you need to be honest with her. I'm just thinking selfishly here for a second, but if I were in her shoes and some dude I was into came in and bought flowers and made a point of telling me they were for another lady, I would be P!SSED. I would rather be told to my face, hey you are a nice lady, but I'm into someone else right now, than for someone to beat around the bush about it. But, that is just me..........................

[job]

I agree with Vanilla and Dawn...ask the flower shop lady out for coffee. You are not in an exclusive relationship and it's better to date a few and just enjoy yourself, i.e., sharing time w/others.

As for your son, I have a feeling that things didn't go as planned for his birthday. Cheese? Who sends cheese home w/their son? I don't blame him, I wouldn't be too happy if my special day wasn't that great.

Eventually he may very well tell you about it....

Enjoy your week.