Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11
#2798345 06/28/18 01:46 AM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
Time for another new thread and perhaps a change of direction.

Prior Thread - Songs and Stories From The Far Shore - Verse 5
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2789736#Post2789736

V and exquisitetobe - thank you for the references to those resources. At this point in my journey they don't appear compelling to me. I'm cruising along right now reasonably well.

job - I've noticed my old thread has been locked. Could I trouble you to link it when you have a moment? Thank you.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
Hopefully this post won't go kablooie - there's a big copy/paste section part of which was in Spanish. I think I identified the problematic letter. Perhaps this will work.

Not too much happening these days. The recent stress that I had about my ex has deflated and I myself am somewhat deflated. I expect to not hear anything much about her for the next while and am walking my own path. I do feel much more detached than I did a month ago.

Of note, the new roof on my front porch should be being completed today. Things not unsurprisingly didn't go the way that the contractor expected and he's having to adapt. Some material he had brought wasn't needed and some things he needed he didn't have. He's supposed to torch the new (flat) roof down either today or tomorrow. The existing railing isn't re-usable so I need to figure something out at some time. If my house doesn't burn down today then I will have a significant repair done that I had been putting off for some time. That makes me feel good.

The colleague that said that she was interested in walking with me hasn't been available so I teased her about it a few days ago telling her that if she "did" in fact want to walk to just instruct me and that I would be happy to join her. I have no idea if she has any interest in me or not but she is quite sweet and I've been fond of her as a person for many years.

I've been giving some head-space lately to my hero Don Quixote and some random internet searches came up with the bit below. It perhaps describes my current state - without we hope the whole dropping dead part.



Extracted from a paper on the Alonso Quixano syndrome. I did not receive advance permission. I hope the authors do not have an issue with that.


Authors
D. Ezpeleta, Servicio de Neurologia, Hospital General Universitario Gregorio Maranon, Madrid, Spain
R. Lopez Velasco Psychiatrist, Sanatorio de Usurbil, Guipuzcoa, Spain

At the end of the novel (Part 2, Chap. 74)
"he succumbed to a fever that kept him in bed for six days", recovered his sanity and renounced his condition as a Knight Errant:
"Senores," said Don Quixote, "let us go slowly, for there are no birds today in yesterday's nests. I was mad, and now I am sane; I was Don Quixote of la Mancha, and now I am, as I have said, Alonso Quixano the Good. May my repentance and sincerity return me to the esteem your graces once had for me, and let the scribe continue".

Alonso Quixano, formerly Don Quixote, died three days later.

"Here lies the mighty Gentleman who rose to such heights of valour that death itself did not triumph over his life with his death.

He did not esteem the world, he was the frightening threat to the world, in this respect, for it was his great good fortune to live a madman, and die sane".

One of the questions that has stirred up the greatest interest in Cervantes's work is why Don Quixote died sane when he had been crazy in life. There are several explanations. In the last pages of the book, Don Quixote suffers from fever and, following a deep sleep, actually awakens reneging on his status as a Knight Errant and decrying books of chivalry. Cervantes's decision to bury his hero might well be due to the need to prevent apocryphal author(s) from publishing further adventures. On the other hand, Cervantes saw his own end close; burdened by debts, difficulties and problems and, above all, in ill health, he may have opted to bring his hero and his masterpiece to a close (October 31st, 1615) as a projection of his own farewell (April 22nd, 1616). Another possible explanation for Don Quixote's final sanity is that, in the medicine of his day, it was thought that the mad recovered their sanity when death was at hand, a fact that Cervantes might have been familiar with and could have used as kind of swan song, a coda to the life of the now sane, but forever remembered as crazy, Alonso Quixano the Good.

We propose that the eponymous "Alonso Quixano syndrome" be applied to those patients who improve and even seem to be cured unexpectedly and fleetingly of their main illness but are suddenly cut down by death. The people who know this well are the nursing staff, always closer to patients; ask them.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
I've been giving some head-space lately to my hero Don Quixote and some random internet searches came up with the bit below. It perhaps describes my current state - without we hope the whole dropping dead part.


Andrew,

I just want you to know that you're bat sh*t crazy. There's no way you're going to die any time soon.

Hang in there buddy.

Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
Awwe - Thanks doodler. I'm a whole lot better than I was 2 years ago when you were part of the crowd that hauled me back from the brink. I do have a doctor's appt in a couple of weeks to reiew a biopsy though ... As far as sanity / crazy goes - the only normal I know is the setting on my dryer.

I think the Quixote / Quixano thing is similar to the red pill / blue pill thing that some people talk about. Perhaps like you in some ways, I'm much less of a romantic than I used to be I think. I'm not sure what I think about that. There's a growing and increasingly loud chorus of people instructing me to date but I won't date just for the sake of dating. On a positive note with that, one of the ladies I work with and who I am fond of has quit today effective in a couple of weeks and in response to my note bemoaning her impending absence she encouraged me to keep in touch with her. We'll see where all that goes. She's sweet and kind person with I think an underlying spine of steel having worked in diplomatic missions in a rather nasty part of the world in the past. Not to mention very smart, a sense of humour, at least tri-lingual and yes - pretty darned amazing to look at. About 6 months ago we were chatting about single vs non life and she mentioned that she was happy without a partner but I think she looked wistful when she said it. She has 2 boys who I believe are pre/early teen and her ex-husband is on another continent.

Another good thing about her leaving is that she shared a cubicle with the other lady at work that I'm kind of sweet on which certainly felt a bit awkward even though I've been careful to stay on the professional side of friendly.

---------------------

A bit of a rant. My roof still isn't quite done and I must say I'm not keen on the guy's work or practices. Tuesday he borrowed my extension cords and I found them under a pile of debris. Today my extension ladder was left on the lawn rather than in the shed where it was when I left this morning. What kind of roofing guy doesn't bring his ladder? He also left a bunch of tools laying out on the roof when he left similar to his prior day of working here. I like to think you can tell a lot about a workman by how they treat their tools.

The work itself is somewhat sloppy and the framing doesn't extend all the way out to the edge of the decking by about an inch on one side. S23 was home all day and didn't see the guy working although S23 doesn't emerge too often.

S23 checked out the work with me when I got home and was unimpressed with the appearance of the roof decking. It's a bitumen roofing membrane - comes in rolls and has to be "torched down". It's black and scuffed in a few places. I don't like judging a person's work mid-job but am not impressed.

The key thing is that the roof doesn't leak now. I have the skills to tidy up the trim-work and such. The price was reasonable and he was available when I needed the job done. The "professional" roofers couldn't fit me in until close to the fall.

I think the guy is the sort that we've seen on the other side of our stories here. Probably late 50s with a shiny new motorcycle, at least two shiny trucks. He laughs a bit too knowingly at my ex-wife jokes. His own wife is a tiny mousey thing that does not act like an equal partner. I'm a fairly big guy but he makes me look small.

Well - I don't have to kiss him. Hopefully he'll finish the job tomorrow and I'll write him his cheque. He certainly won't be getting recommendations from me. And I'll have a non-leaking roof that will allow me to work on the inside of the enclosed porch without worry. I'll also need to figure out a railing system to put up which was not included in the job. The existing railing is too rusted to re-use and one of my cousins came by today and grabbed it, probably for the scrap value.

Time for me to get to my dishes. A man's work is never done ....


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
Well - I think the roller coaster is leveling off and just in time for the long weekend.

My darned roof still isn't finished and I must say that I continue to be unimpressed with the contractor. Yesterday I picked up his tools and misc stuff from the roof deck and put it away out of the weather. It's supposed to get up into the 30s today and a few of his things were stuck to the bitumen last night. From the outside things now look more or less tidy. My home office will probably smell like tar for a while but at least there won't be any damage to the roof by stuff being left on it in the hot sun.

I had a nice lunch yesterday (brisket sandwich) with a friend / colleague and he told me a bit more about the nice lady colleague who is leaving. It turns out that she's moving to Florida and is in some financial distress. It's perhaps a sign of my own progress in that my reaction was more of a "dodged a bullet" than "I will rescue the fair princess!". I will probably follow-up on her suggestion that we keep in touch though.

I'd been curious if my ex had in fact unblocked me on Facebook and it's been itching at me for some weeks. So last night I unblocked her. Can't see her profile so she must still have me blocked. I have to wait 48 hours to re-block her. I think more than anything that seeing her with OM a week or so ago is helping me to detach. It did cause a twinge but is for the best.

Should be a good and busy weekend. I'd hoped to work on painting the roof trim but that needs to wait. Lots on the list and given the heat I'll take it slow. The lady at the flower shop made a point of telling me that I need to be there early today as she's off to Toronto for some reason or other.

SIL1 was pressuring me again yesterday to ask the flower shop lady out trying bribery this time. I was supposed to get together with my brothers and their partners and my nephew at my youngest brother's farm last night but SIL1 told me that they wouldn't be there so I bowed out. She did invite me to dinner there tonight but I asked for a rain-check. I'll probably have a couple of beer as I work through my list today and don't want to drive. From the poor spelling and disjointed nature of SIL1's messages yesterday I think she had had a few herself which perhaps explained why the short notice change of plans. Ah well - they're retired and can do whatever they want.

I had a lovely call with D26 yesterday morning as I drove in to work. She's off for a harbour cruise this morning on the aircraft carrier that her husband is stationed on. She says that she more or less knows what his schedule will be up to deployment and where they'll be going. She did mention that it all has to be approved by Congress before it's official so I don't know where she'll be for sure but in the past it was supposed to be San Diego. I'm hoping to visit her in September again but this time we may go to DC and do some museum visiting and perhaps stop at a Ben's Chili Bowl (inside joke). She seems to be doing fairly well even after giving up her dog. It was very tough on her but her stress level seems way down now.

I did talk a bit about my dating options and such and she advised me at one point that she was giving me an eye-roll. It would be lovely if she and her H came up here for a visit but I don't think she's ready for that as of yet. I have more flexibility than them to travel around as well.

I still need to decide what to have for dinner tonight. I may BBQ up some steaks. Not sure if S23 will be joining me or not. He often plays poker on Saturday nights. He wrote bacon on the grocery list which is one of my "triggers". The butcher shop is on my agenda but I may just get him the cheap bacon from the grocery store. I did notice a big block of the cheese his mother likes in the fridge along with the fact that he ate the last of my lunch meat and a couple more of the Melton Mowbray pork pies. I've gotten one so far of the latest batch.

I was a bit startled mid-week when I ran in to a neighbour who seemed to be doing poorly. He's maybe about 10 years older than I am and he and his wife have both been having problems with his wife losing so much weight a year or so ago that she's almost skeletal. I'd thought perhaps it was his leg acting up again as he seemed unsteady but it seems that he had a minor stroke recently. He seemed very stressed by it and the medications that he's on now - some of which I've been on and so he seemed reassured by that. He's having to give up drinking and smoking which will be a challenge for him especially since he and his wife own the local brewery. I hope he recovers ok both because he's a nice man and also because his business is a big attraction in the village and employs a modest amount of people. His kids are grown and moved away and I don't believe have any interest in the business.

Well - time to hop in the shower and head off for my erranding.

For my fellow countrymen (and women) - Happy Canada Day!


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
Wrapping up a reasonably good weekend.

I had a nice visit and perhaps a few too many drinks with my neighbour on Saturday night. Sunday was low key as was today.

I decided to do the house-cleaning this weekend and it went fairly smoothly. I'm getting practice at this "adulting" thing. Having an extra long weekend meant that I could take my time and got the entire list done in one go.

A baby cardinal fell out of my apple tree but seems to be doing ok sitting in the grass. Hopefully the roofer won't disturb it assuming he's back tomorrow. The resilience of the wee bird is astounding. I'd actually run over it with the lawn mower (didn't appear to hurt it) and had presumed it was dead. When I went to get it though it was still breathing so I left it be. As I was BBQing dinner on Saturday night I saw the parent birds flying back and forth feeding it. Given the number of feral cats in the village I'm surprised it survived. It just goes to show the tenacity of life.

I suggested today to S23 that he drive us over to get ice-cream. He did not too bad although I had some heart palpitations when he started to washboard on the gravel road. He has challenges steering straight while shifting. He drove both ways and kept his temper while getting very frustrated a couple of times. He went past a corner and so he had to turn around in a lane-way stalling several times but not putting us into the ditch (it was a close call). Leaving the ice-cream place he stalled the car a "lot" while there was an audience. He did have me drive the first and last miles in and out of the village. Our drive-way is tricky and the street is busy here especially with vacationers heading home.

I was very pleased that he held his temper. He does have a fiery one just like his mother. I did half expect him to get frustrated and give up but he didn't.

I think I did OK - making positive noises on the regular event of him doing something well or better than a prior attempt. I do wish his mother would assist but that's not a thing.

I don't know what the dynamic is between S23 and his mother. There is one thing that stands out as quite bizarre. After his grandparents died I was tidying the kitchen and the old paper-towel holder which I had been debating tossing turned out to be a gift to my ex from her mother back in the early 90s. So I cleaned it up and gave it to S23 to pass on. He's seen his mother several times since then, but the holder is still sitting - front and centre in his room and has been for close to 6 months now I think. Part of me thinks that this is a passive/agressive move on his part. It is very obviously "placed". I do wish that I could talk to my kids about their feelings with what has gone on but they both are silent on the topic of their mother. I don't think that they're holding out hope for us getting back together though. Whether they even would want that or not I can't say.

While S23 and I were out I brought up the family (really just my) budget and asked if he still needed me to make his student loan payments. It turned out that he recently paid off almost half from his savings a couple of days ago !!! I did forewarn him that he'll need a couple of thousand for car insurance plus new tires on the car. I need to re-think some things though. I've noticed our grocery budget has gone up by probably 20%. We do go through a fair bit of meat though not to mention that S23 is probably eating more since he started working in construction. I need to make sure that I have enough in the budget for new car payments this fall along with higher for me car insurance payments since it will be a new vehicle.

On a whim on Saturday night (beer = bad choices sometimes) I unblocked my ex on Facebook. I've been itching to do that for some weeks. It does appear that she still has me blocked. Facebook obliges you to wait 48 hours before re-blocking someone which is fine.

While I had my ex unblocked on Facebook I did a basic search and a number of pictures posted of her and of us by others popped out. Nothing since she left though. We looked so very happy. Was that real? I think so. I was a bit surprised that seeing those didn't trigger me or really cause any pain. I do know that even relatively recently the main pictures on her page included a number of similar happy couple shots of us. She herself to my understanding has never posted anything that includes or mentions OM.

Part of me still wants to understand. To have some "reason" why she blew up our family and our life. To know that she has found whatever she ran away looking for. But there's just nothing.

She's blocked again now.

I do still find it bizarre how she has gone turtle and even after 3 years makes no acknowledgement of her relationship with OM. She has on a couple of rare occasions gotten tagged by his friends. OM isn't on social media at all. I did find that a special class reunion of his that they were expected to attend that they were a no-show. I did speculate with the person who passed on the info that perhaps she's working on isolating and controlling him like she did me. She used to be so very prolific showing off the good life that we had and the socializing she did with her various friends. Now - nothing.

There's construction starting just south of the village for several months. The most logical alternate route takes me past my ex's apartment / store she work in. There's a slightly less logical route that bypasses it.

Am I over her? Yeah I think so - as much as anyone can be. That doesn't mean that I'm plunging into the dating pool. Sadly since 50% of the women I had been interested in dating have become unavailable I may have to open my eyes a bit more to the people around me. I am in some ways somewhat surprised that none of my family or friends have tried to set me up with anyone but haven't counted on that.

For now, I'm not seeing my single-dad status changing much. S23 may or may not move out before the end of the year. We all agree though that he has a pretty sweet deal going on here. In fact a short while ago there was a tap at his door as the "dishes fairy" announced his arrival. I like having the dishes done so I do them. I think he would only do them if he runs out of something. Similarly to his laundry (which I don't do).

Well - time to sign off. I've got meetings tomorrow at the corporate office. Some sort of big announcement which might impact my job security. Ick.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 879
You said you think you are over your ex-wife.

What do you think it would look like if you were not over her?

Because from here, based on your posts, you seem very much not over her.


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
A
AndrewP Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 4,227
Likes: 63
Well indeed. My heavens.

So it turns out that 75% of the company that I work for has been sold to a large multi-national competitor. The higher profit 25% is being kept by the owner - who was sitting next to me during the meeting announcing this - and I'm supposed to stay with that bit.

I'd sent a message to the kids mid-day letting them know what was up and how there was uncertainty about the future.

After I got home S23 wandered down, grabbed a beer from the fridge and we had a talk about our days and my concerns and options about the future. I talked honestly about the fact that I have job security for at least 2 and probably 6 months at a minimum. S23 didn't have a lot to offer as suggestions but we did chat about my options. Quality of life vs professional satisfaction vs risk.

Of the people on my team I perhaps have one of the more stable roles but it is in many ways currently unsatisfying. I have a good relationship with the 2 company presidents who will be part of the group I will be in along with the COO who I had an "off the record" chat with at lunch. If I've learned nothing else over 54 years though it's to not trust being safe.

One of the things that bothers me a bit about my current life is the whole "operating without a net" thing. My ex made less than I did but enough to cover the bills for a while if things had gone South for me. I feel the loss of that. More so though I feel the loss of a partner who I can talk honestly about these things and who would be supportive. For all her remembered flaws, she was very protective of me. She was also a lot more risk-averse than I which makes her dancing off with the fairies thing a bit bizarre.

So - 2 months before the deal gets closed. Job security for that time. 6-9 months while the new owner digests and on-boards the part of the company they bought. Highly probably job security for that since I'm the "data guy" and know where most of the bodies are buried having placed them myself.

Do I shift to the multi-national which is not the intent of management? Do I continue in a less than satisfying role in a smaller company where I have influence? Do I open door #3?

I don't know.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 191
Likes: 5
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 191
Likes: 5
Andrew, I am in a very similar position to you in terms of living without a safety net. I too am a contractor in the IT industry, although in my case I work for very large corporations/governments via a contracting company. It means I get to maximise my income, but I have no access to paid leave for training, sickness, annual leave or anything else.

Mostly this is fine for me. XH has been less than generous with the money he gives me for the kids (one is at home and the other comes home for weeks at a time to eat, drink and party) whilst charging me as much rent as he thinks the market would bear. I need the money I earn to pay the investment property mortgage, the rent and my share of the mortgage for the place I live in.

The great thing about my job is that I use a skill set that is internationally portable. Whilst it's not what I do, I do know as a part of my job that finding buried data is definitely a skill set that commands a very good daily rate - especially in my part of the world!

The other thing I've learned is that there is precious little loyalty in business when it comes to employees. There really does appear to be the idea that we are all just commodities - sometimes in plentiful supply, sometimes hard to source, but always interchangeable with others of the same skill base. That said, I've always found recruiters who value what I have to offer - and with your qualities I strongly suspect you'll always find a place to welcome you.

So Andrew, you're soon going to be in the same place as me. When our youngest child finally leaves the nest, we too are as free as birds. Living where you live now, working where you work now, is something you can do if you want- or you could try living somewhere else, or somehow else. You could maybe rent your house out for a year and try living overseas (working for the multinational - or not), or in the big city. You have a zillion choices in front of you - which you can sort through, examine, take up or discard.

I think that is something super exciting and definitely worth a few long chats with your good friends over a bottle or two of beer or nice red. Changing your career is going to be a bit easier than changing your love life by the looks of it! laugh


Me:57 H:57
S:25 S:22
M:24 T:26
BD:Aug 15
D:Sep 17
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 8,855
Andrew

How exciting.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Page 1 of 11 1 2 3 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard