Limbo [censored], I'm there. W is gone weekends now and harrassing me all week via text. I am way beyond done but I know there will still be a day that she breaks down.
H-50 W-48 T-19 M -18 S23, S14 BD - 5/9/2018 OM discovered 5/10/2018
In house sep - 8/18/2018 Rope drop 2/15/2019 R'ing since 3/15/2019
I'm going to throw this out there, not because I have mastered Limbo Land, but because I hope to take some wind out of its sails. Instead of a fight or flight mode, you catch your breath and take inventory.
Somewhere in these threads it is written that your S has given you the gift of time. The real problem with Limbo is that unlike other stages of DBing, limbo isn't fueled by the other intense emotions. Fear, Anger, intense Sadness are all controlling emotions. Meaning you are subject to there effects. Along for their ride, if you will. Limbo Land is a calm stagnation that allows YOU to captain the ship. Or at least feel like you are. To see where things are and where they have been. To vacillate between "This is working" to "Is this working" to "I don't know if I want this.." and " How dare this person put me through this schit"
Point is and if I have learned anything by and about the phase it is this: [list]
[*]Learn to separate the mood swings from the true feelings. Do you feel this way just today or do you want to change your relationship goals?
[*]Mood swings are inevitable. What you do with them is your choice.
[*]Time is a gift and use it well. Be glad you are no longer in Fight or Flight mode.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Quick Friday update. Limbo Land continues but may be changing. I have noticed that W is even more respectful and less defensive. What I mean is that if I ask a question that in the past she may have taken it personally and become defensive, she now just responds. No self-victimization. She doesn't default to the idea that I am being judgemental or blaming her. Why the change? IDK, I'd like to think that it is a product of my hard work, but I'm not willing to take credit just yet. I guess it's possible that something outside the MR was making her happier. It's possible, but I think she would be less respectful to me as she seems to like to at least hint at her true feelings even if she won't communicate them like a healthy adult. If anything she is hinting that she is much happier with me. If she had something outside bringing her joy, I think she would be more "yea life" "boo RR17". Hope this makes sense.
She is in a better mood more often. Problem with that is I have slipped and shared a story or two about my day when I was mostly listening and validating. I let my guard down. Maybe it's a good thing. I just don't want to slip into a new normal that is not adequate. W sleeps on the couch or in a Ds room if one is vacant. Ds don't seem to care or be concerned. This has gone one for over a year now. Ds are busy with their own lives. I took them to pizza last night while W was at tennis. They are growing ups so fast.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
She is in a better mood more often. Problem with that is I have slipped and shared a story or two about my day when I was mostly listening and validating. I let my guard down. Maybe it's a good thing. I just don't want to slip into a new normal that is not adequate.
I am on record multiple times as stating that the move from limbo to R is gradual, natural and organic. Rarely is there a big bang event. And it involves the LBS too. I know in my case as my W got more receptive, as her actions became consistent, as she began to show she was giving up leaving the MR, i naturally starting opening up more and starting doing more "sharing". So don't feel that you can't do that. If she is showing signs of real change, consistently, overtime, then feel free to be more engaging. Keep it light and fun. That went a long way with my W.
Keep up the good work!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
RR- good post - the fact that W is in a better mood more often is a positive sign. Take the time to celebrate the small wins but don't let your guard down. In regards to your Ds enjoy that time and bask in the moment. After they have grown up and moved on we can not use the rewind button so really take delight in their presence while you can. Blessings my friend.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Steve, that's a good point. Keep it fun. When you have gone through a season of not much more than stress and tension as a couple, keeping it fun is huge IMO. Throughout MC years ago the MC would say this. Of course, it was near imposable because I was a mess and not yet detached.
I say these things to remind myself as well as perhaps help others. Being the Lighthouse needs to include fun. WW or WAWs are often coming off of a euphoric high. If you offer a future that doesn't include fun you are at an even bigger disadvantage.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So I recently read that MWD has written that while wasting away in Limbo Land it sometimes helps to mix things up. I have looked around and can't remember seeing it and can't find it.
Does anyone have any ideas where this was written?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
So I recently read that MWD has written that while wasting away in Limbo Land it sometimes helps to mix things up. I have looked around and can't remember seeing it and can't find it.
Does anyone have any ideas where this was written?
I thought mixing it up was just another term for 180.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
LOL, if I 180 again, I'll be back where I started.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
LOL, if I 180 again, I'll be back where I started.
Isn't that what mixing it up would do to? For instance, if you have been leaving the house whenever she is home, mixing it up would be to stay at home when she is there. That is also a 180.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
