Advice on my scenario - D-struction comes before c

[OrangeK]

I ended up sending two photos, and said "My mom Posts them, and you can always reach out to her if you'd like her to send you some"

MIL Replied: Thanks

Wife Replied: Cute

(I will no longer be answering these group texts, i have no reason to talk to MIL)

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Had a good weekend, Sent S3 to my parents on Sat, finally got moved into my brothers house, which went better than i had expected, and itll be nice to get settled in while S3 is away, so his room/belongings are all organized and in their proper place when he returns from my parents house next week.

Wife really wasnt in my mind at all, until last night, SIL brought up her new Hair thing, and it got me dwelling on her, then i went to bed, and now i am returned to the contemplative fortress of solitude that is my desk/cubicle.
Trying to clear the headspace after this post.

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Feeling very disappointed today.
This is all such a shame and a disappointment, i had a long talk with my SIL last night about how Wife cannot seem to control her erratic personality changes.

Its just such a shame because if the person she PRETENDED To be for me was real, i would be a very happy man with a very happy family.
But it was all a farce so im not lol.


She chopped almost all her hair off, and bleached it to the point of oblivion.
This strikes me as very odd because when we were together, she had her hair LONG and dyed a beautiful red, her natural hair color is a pretty coppery blonde, she alwasy has taken great pride in her hair, she is skilled with it, and has beautiful natural hair.
This drastic change seems odd to me because she always talked about how she hates bleached blonde hair, and always enjoyed how long her hair was so she could do intricate braids and whatnot.
She is a totally different person, different clothes, different hair, different company. She has completely changed.

Interestingly I notice a pattern here.
Having looked into her past R's before me, and the corresponding social media photos from those times
(I haven't looked in ages, just what i recall)
She has a very different and unique sense of style and hair (the hair seems to be a key component)
with each different R, and Stage of her life, and she seems to change her hair based on where shes planted her feet.
I know this may be a stretch of a theory but id like to hear what anyone thinks of this, especially any women.

The Hair Phenomenon:

From Ex to Me - From when she was with Her EX and the beginning of our R - Natural Hair color, Long. (This is why i ended up calling her My Helen of Troy)


During our R - Once Wife and I moved in together, shortly thereafter she dyed her hair a beautiful natural red color, and maintained this color through our R.
Strangely enough this is also when she started talking to her EX again behind my back.
Once we were married in Sept of 16, she stopped RE-dying this color.

Jan 2017 - Dyed her hair back to something similar to her natural hair color, trimmed it down a little but it was still long.
This is right when she began looking for a new partner and eventually Met OM.

June 2018 - Now she has been with OM for a year, and made another very dramatic change to her hair. Very SHort, VERY blonde, almost WHITE. A far distance from the "Natural Beauty" look she has always seemed to strive for in the past.

Again i could be "Splitting hairs" here (lol see what i did there?)
but this does seem somewhat relevant as her looks and how those looks are perceived by the world at large has so much to do with her personality and the validation she feels through this process.

The fact that she kept her hair red for our entire R, and has just changed it dramatically during her R with OM might not bode well for him.

Might be a thing, maybe its nothing and i am just over-reading here.
Who knows.

It just seems likely as her mood is so tied to her vanity.
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[SteveLW]

OK, wow. Man I know this stuff is difficult but you have to try to stop dwelling so much on her, and WHY. There are no whys.

AS just typed this in Cory09's thread:

[qoute]Hey, I hear you. We all go through that phase. But there is no reason any more than there is a reason a small child dies of cancer. Things happen that are beyond our control, the measure of who we are is not that we prevent those things from happening (because we can't), but rather it is how we react to them when they do happen.[/quote]

Detachment is truly not caring what she does to her hair. If you went to a store yesterday and a cashier rang you up and long jet black hair, then you went back the next day, same cashier rings you up but she now has short, uber-blonde hair, you wouldn't give to craps about it. That is what your goal should be with your WW. No matter what she does. How she changes, water off a duck's back.

Also, might be time to sit SIL down and simply ask her not to tell you about WW anymore. That is likely the source of your current emotional spiraling. I am sure her intentions are in the right place, but the less you hear about WW and her doings the better off you will emotionally.

[OrangeK]

Steve, i never said i cared what she did with her hair. She can shave bald for all I care. WHAT She does is not important to me.

I will agree I still look for WHY's
However I look for "WHY'S" now for a very different reason.
In the past i strained to understand her, and why she does what she does, in an attempt to understand what her needs are so that i might change myself to fulfill them.
This is the circular logic of a desperate and emotionally abused person.
Now, However it feels like the search for "WHY'S" are to understand HER psychologically, not so that I can fulfill her needs and win her back, but so I can understand what has happened to me so I can move on, heal and make sure this doesn't happen again to me.

The only piece of my previous post that I THINK indicates a need for further DETACHMENT is the "Feeling Disappointment" section.

My point here was to illustrate how how emotions correlate to her physical appearance and what she does with it.

It seems to be intrinsic that her current look matches her current situation and personality.

[SteveLW]

"It seems to be intrinsic that her current look matches her current situation and personality."

Okay I'll play along. How does understanding this "understand what has happened to you so you can move on, heal and make sure this doesn't happen again to you"?

And this is dangerous too. Because there probably is no correlation. Feeling there is sets you up for a future overreaction.

Let's move ahead 4 years. OK is married to a beautiful, intelligent, funny brunette. They both adore each other. One day she comes home after both were at work, and says "Hey what would you think about me cutting my hair short and dying it blonde?"

OK's head explodes........

Likely there is correlation between her hair styles and her psychological state. Perfectly rational, well adjusted and stable women change hairstyles.

[SteveLW]

Likely there is NO correlation that should read.

[OrangeK]

"It seems to be intrinsic that her current look matches her current situation and personality."

Okay I'll play along. How does understanding this "understand what has happened to you so you can move on, heal and make sure this doesn't happen again to you"?

It gains me some semblance of closure ill never get from Wife &
It identified red flags to look for in future R's

And this is dangerous too. Because there probably is no correlation. Feeling there is sets you up for a future overreaction.

I know my wife well Steve, if there wasnt any correlation i would have not posted about it.
The fact that these only occur when she is in a transitionary stage of ending a R or starting a new one seems too coincidental to me.

Let's move ahead 4 years. OK is married to a beautiful, intelligent, funny brunette. They both adore each other. One day she comes home after both were at work, and says "Hey what would you think about me cutting my hair short and dying it blonde?"

OK's head explodes........

No, my head wouldnt explode, A.) because my head never exploded with WIFE in this regard, because i thought it to be normal, as i would with most women, it was not until looking back over the history and pattern of WHEN and WHY WIFE seems to do this that seemed coincidental and establishes a pattern. B.) because for a normal woman, this is just an expressed desire to try a new look, for HER OWN PERSONAL reasons, as opposed to WIFE who seems to change her hair, clothing style, even her likes and dislikes and they way she talks with each new R and social circle.

Likely there is correlation between her hair styles and her psychological state. Perfectly rational, well adjusted and stable women change hairstyles.

I'm not saying normal women don't do this Steve, All i am saying is the timing, pattern and degree of which WIFE does this seems to me to point towards an inner identity issue and the fact that she is making changes AGAIN, (dramatic changes mind you, that completely conflict with styles and opinions she has had in the past) right in the midst of her R with OM seems with note for me.

I'll admit I am still grasping at straws to try and understand PDWIFE, but this one i feel like actually has some traction.

[SteveLW]

"I'll admit I am still grasping at straws to try and understand PDWIFE, but this one i feel like actually has some traction."

Well we'll agree to disagree on that. In fact, though she changes R's like she changes hairstyles, I think the changing of looks is the most normal thing I've heard about your WW. I just do not see how making this correlation helps you in anyway, but we all deal with these things differently. For me my dealing with it was to put ear protection on and fire 100s of rounds down range at paper targets. Different strokes for different folks.

[OrangeK]

We Can agree to disagree on this one, and I am fine with that. No hard feelings.

"I just do not see how making this correlation helps you in anyway"

I have answered this question in the past in several different forms, i will do so again.

I have a very surgical mind, i need to know why the pieces fit where they do, i am investigatory by nature, If A causes B, and results in C, i Need to know what about A and B cause C to occur. I am never satisfied with the "A+B=C" answer. I need to know what it is about A and the way it interacts with B to cause C. You know what I mean?
This is why i struggled for so long with the "Its not a light-switch i can just shut off" issue regarding my feelings for her.

So, to directly answer your inquiry,
Why does making this correlation help me?

Because Wife (A) is experiencing or reacting to something I am unaware of such as a new problem in her life, some issue with OM or maybe even guilt or remorse on her part (B), and has caused her to make drastic changes (yet again) in her personality, looks and style (C).

I still have detachment to accomplish.
My need to understand whatever (B) in this scenario is probably not in keeping with full detachment, and i understand that.
However it does not change my desire to know what (B) is and what interaction with WIFE (A) it is having and why it may have caused her to make dramatic personal changes (C).

Its the scientist in me Steve, perhaps that is where we differ and why we seem to clash philosophically sometimes.
I need to see the the scientific method put in practice before I can accept something as truth, or fact.

You are a man of Faith, you trust in Faith that if you put your heart into something, it will work for you.

I am a man of science, i trust in patterns, data, and repeated history. To me these are the concrete foundations of fact and predictability. The laws of probability and odds dont fail in my eyes.

I hope that helps us understand eachother Steve, and If i made an assumption about how you process things i apologize.
I am interested to continue this investigation into how we see things differently and why.

You are piecing, I am not.
You have a WAW, i have something exceeding WW (to the point Sandi and I agreed to stop calling her WW, as she isnt one)
We are vastly different men, dealing with vastly different but comparable scenarios.
I find this philosophically very interesting.

I hope my above explanation gives you some insight into how my mind works and why i seek the answers I do.

Id love to talk more about me and why i am the way i am too. so open topic there.
Not everything is about PDWIFE

[SteveLW]

Yes, absolutely we are different in different sitches. My W was WW though, make no mistake.

However, I am looking at in what's best for you mentally OK. I see you on these incredible cyclical swings, and they usually start with having to know why she did this, said that, texted this, changed her hair etc. And you know what, that is natural. No question.

But you hit on something I think might help. You said:

"I am a man of science, i trust in patterns, data, and repeated history. To me these are the concrete foundations of fact and predictability. The laws of probability and odds dont fail in my eyes."

Then you said:

"i have something exceeding WW (to the point Sandi and I agreed to stop calling her WW, as she isnt one)"

There is your rub. You are trying to apply reason and logic to a creature so foreign to those concepts that it isn't funny.

WWs do not deal in "concrete foundations of fact and predictability". IN fact there is no concrete foundation. And there certainly is no shred or predictability.

So I think you are really only going to drive yourself crazy trying. The key to not repeating what happened to you in future Rs is to work on you. Especially in your sitch where you seem to have stumbled upon an anomaly if epic scientific proportions. (You are scientifically minded so I don't have to describe anomalies to you.)

[OrangeK]

However, I am looking at in what's best for you mentally OK. I see you on these incredible cyclical swings, and they usually start with having to know why she did this, said that, texted this, changed her hair etc. And you know what, that is natural. No question.

you raise a good point here.
So here is the hurdle for me to clear.
How do I overcome what seems to be my biggest challenge of "Needing to understand" that which truly cannot be understood (except perhaps by a mental health professional like a Psychiatrist) Vs. the "Flip the light switch off" theory that we both know doesn't work for me?
Legit question here, this i think is a Key Component to me achieving TRUE detachment.

But you hit on something I think might help. You said:

"I am a man of science, i trust in patterns, data, and repeated history. To me these are the concrete foundations of fact and predictability. The laws of probability and odds dont fail in my eyes."

Then you said:

"i have something exceeding WW (to the point Sandi and I agreed to stop calling her WW, as she isnt one)"

There is your rub. You are trying to apply reason and logic to a creature so foreign to those concepts that it isn't funny.

I agree that she has no bearing on reason or logic, but one thing she is consistent with is patterns, and repeated behaviors establish behavioral patterns, so looking at how she has cycled and patterned in the past has been the only window into understanding her, and what she may do in the future. Understanding WHY this happened to me is going to be the lynch pin of my recovery.
I know this is somewhat unorthodox, but i do believe this is the key for me personally

I have done further research into the specifics of the variety of personality disorders she falls into and I actually believe she has BPD not NPD, which does somewhat change the dynamic of how she acts / may act.
Although I have resolved to not try to label things and am just saying "Toxic and Possibly Disordered".
That being said, I am sticking to being Dark, Grey-stone and letting time and space do their thing. If Time and space give me a chance for R, amazing. If it gives me an amicable friendly relationship with her to CO-Parent, great, and if it gives me nothing but a business like, facts only type of relationship with her, i can live with that too.

My biggest backslide is always tied to hope. When i come across some new info or something she has done that gives me even a micrometer of hope, I tend to try and nourish it as long as I can. I need to find out how to stop this.

WWs do not deal in "concrete foundations of fact and predictability". IN fact there is no concrete foundation. And there certainly is no shred or predictability.

So I think you are really only going to drive yourself crazy trying. The key to not repeating what happened to you in future Rs is to work on you. Especially in your sitch where you seem to have stumbled upon an anomaly if epic scientific proportions. (You are scientifically minded so I don't have to describe anomalies to you.)

Again, she has no logic or reason-ability, but does posses a predictability through repeated behaviors. Its the Minutia that escapes me, she follows the same pattern each R, but the details change. Length of time, Does she live with the person, whats her situation with her parents, etc. these are the fluid factors that change HOW she follows her pattern, but she will always follow it.

I agree I am the key to my future R's and they have nothing to do with her, beyond what i have learned about myself through my experience with her.

An anomaly she certainly is Steve. In many ways really.
However in other ways, she fits the status quo of the type of personality she has.
She fits all the criteria, one would expect from a BPD.
I looked into the DSM-5 and its all to close to the mark to be coincidental.