Advice on my scenario - D-struction comes before c

[OrangeK]

Link to old thread.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2796694#Post2796694

[OrangeK]

Vanilla.

Im flummoxed. Im letting her get under my skin. I cant let her beat me in court. Please help

[Vanilla]

The answer is to detach.

Can I recommend the observe don't absorb technique?

This means treating your sitch as if it were a case study. Try googling the 10 mistakes men make in D. The high conflict institute has some good stuff on these cold manipulations. Reacting hot to a cold manipulator won't help. Remember she has been doing this since she was a child she is a master at it. So you don't take her head on. You win by staying out of it and letting them get more and more extreme.

You look for a draw in court by being reasonable, rational and chilled. Concentrate on S3.

Will revert.

V

[Vanilla]

In the same way a boxer avoids punishment by dodging the punches.

I used to think of myself as matrix woman, with those fast moves and bullets avoided.

V

[SteveLW]

Vanilla.

Im flummoxed. Im letting her get under my skin. I cant let her beat me in court. Please help

You are talking in terms of being able to win in court. Nobody wins in divorce court. There are only degrees of losing. Make sure you go in with the proper expectations. Your L will help you with this.

Goals like as little support as possible vs. no support.

OK you have a choice to not let her get under your skin. THAT is well within your power to control.

[OrangeK]

The answer is to detach.

Can I recommend the observe don't absorb technique?

I feel like most of the time i am detached at this point. Today being a bit of an exception. See my next post about this.

This means treating your sitch as if it were a case study. Try googling the 10 mistakes men make in D. The high conflict institute has some good stuff on these cold manipulations. Reacting hot to a cold manipulator won't help. Remember she has been doing this since she was a child she is a master at it. So you don't take her head on. You win by staying out of it and letting them get more and more extreme.

I feel like i have done this pretty well. I know i had a few people chime in about me being passive aggressive and saying too much so i will reign that in for future communication.
In what ways might i expect her to "get more extreme"?

You look for a draw in court by being reasonable, rational and chilled. Concentrate on S3.

Will revert.

V

What will revert?

[SteveLW]

OK I think V means she will get more extreme to try and get the outcome she is going for. I still think it is full custody. You poopoo that based on her not wanting responsibility, but she can still shirk her responsibilities with the luxury of full coverage.

"OK, would you take S3 this weekend? I know its been a while since you had him so I am doing you a favor by letting you take him for the weekend."

Or she'll pawn him off on mom.

See, full custody gives her the best of both worlds. She gets maximum support. And she can still make it look like she is throwing you a bone by "letting you take him" when she wants to do something else without him. Or rely on all of her enablers to take him. In fact, I think we've had this discussion before.

Anyway, keep your guard up because I honestly believe that she is going to continue to get you to violate the RO to go for full custody. I think the goal here is to get you out of the way as much as possible. The money is a bonus. Having full responsibility for him is probably not even on her radar at this point.

This is why I am trying to get you to see that until all this is settled, to let go of the "I want to win, she doesn't get to dictate things". I have a friend that played ball with his cheating W. Through the D process he bent over backwards to accommodate her. He got granted 50/50 custody, with no support (because the disparity of their income was NIL). He coaches other guys through the D process and tells them be nice to a fault. You will feel like you are being taken advantage of at times but the end goal is maximum custody, minimum support. And you won't get that by giving her a hard time.

Good luck, man. I know this is all tough to navigate. As I said emotions get in the way. But V is right, detachment is the key. NOT reacting emotionally to anything she says and does.

And remember, truth telling seems really important to you. She stood before God and witnesses and declared her undying devotion to you, then shortly went out and violated that by having an A. If she can lie about something so huge, she certainly will have no problem lying about small things.

[OrangeK]

Fairly big emotional regression last night today, trying to work through it.

I got deep in thought last night and things started heading south, i began blaming myself for a lot of things, which i have worked diligently on these last few months to realize they weren't my fault, i didn't cause them. I didn't cause my M to fail. I didn't cause my WW to cheat, and i deserve better.

these are all things i began to call into doubt last night, and into today. I know that these things aren't true, but yet i feel them heavily today.

It feels like it has me back at square one, missing the woman and the life i thought i was getting. I am feeling that hard today.
It does feel like a much more controlled, and stable version of square one. I am depressed, and very sad, but i am not reeling out of control emotionally like i have in the past. I had one hard cry on my drive into work and I seem to be doing Ok maintaining composure for the time.

I am again flooded with thoughts like
"OM stole my life away"
"How could she give up our family, our life"
"Why did she even marry me? Why bring me up to drop me"
"How could you hurt the one you claimed to love?"
"How could you rip S3's family apart?"
"Did i ever mean anything to you?"
"I Miss her"




I am trying to keep myself reminded of the following.

This wasnt my fault, not the affair, not the lies, or the emotional abuse.

I didnt fail as a husband, she failed as a wife.

I am doing the best i can given the circumstances.
things will calm down, and change.

I am doing a much better job for S3 than i was 2 months ago.




But still, damn the cycles. This hurts.
I just want to run my fingers down her cheek, brush her hair out of her face and kiss her, just one last damn time.

I just want to be able to actually say goodbye.

[OrangeK]

OK I think V means she will get more extreme to try and get the outcome she is going for. I still think it is full custody. You poopoo that based on her not wanting responsibility, but she can still shirk her responsibilities with the luxury of full coverage.

"OK, would you take S3 this weekend? I know its been a while since you had him so I am doing you a favor by letting you take him for the weekend."

Or she'll pawn him off on mom.

See, full custody gives her the best of both worlds. She gets maximum support. And she can still make it look like she is throwing you a bone by "letting you take him" when she wants to do something else without him. Or rely on all of her enablers to take him. In fact, I think we've had this discussion before.

We have, and it makes total sense. The only hole in that is that she has very very few enablers left.
Her mother is pretty much it, her dad is too far away and a fat, sick barfly, so not to be relied on. As i have mentioned her mother has been posting a lot of "It hurts when people who you love take advantage of you" type of crap on FB. Her mother is her main source of enabling.
MIL said to my brothers wife yesterday "This is all getting so exhausting, I cant keep doing this. I have my own life to live"
When my sister in law mentioned the difficulties of the TRO.

But generally speaking, you are not wrong. Shes good at hiding her hand of cards, so we will so what she tries for as D develops.

Anyway, keep your guard up because I honestly believe that she is going to continue to get you to violate the RO to go for full custody. I think the goal here is to get you out of the way as much as possible. The money is a bonus. Having full responsibility for him is probably not even on her radar at this point.

This is why I am trying to get you to see that until all this is settled, to let go of the "I want to win, she doesn't get to dictate things". I have a friend that played ball with his cheating W. Through the D process he bent over backwards to accommodate her. He got granted 50/50 custody, with no support (because the disparity of their income was NIL). He coaches other guys through the D process and tells them be nice to a fault. You will feel like you are being taken advantage of at times but the end goal is maximum custody, minimum support. And you won't get that by giving her a hard time.

As much as i literally hate it, and it sticks in my craw, i will try to be "Nicer" as i deal with her, and see if that is reflected back.
However i am not letting my guard down. Ill be wearing Kevlar under my Suit.

Good luck, man. I know this is all tough to navigate. As I said emotions get in the way. But V is right, detachment is the key. NOT reacting emotionally to anything she says and does.

And remember, truth telling seems really important to you. She stood before God and witnesses and declared her undying devotion to you, then shortly went out and violated that by having an A. If she can lie about something so huge, she certainly will have no problem lying about small things.

All she does is lie, that was made very obvious yesterday.
She provided 4 different stories about the check for S3 Dr. appt within 3 hours. it was insane.
there are literally hundreds of other small occasions she has been caught in lies ive never posted about here as they were trivial. Plenty of which are from before Affair discovery and BD, just everyday stuff.
Lying is her lifeblood. She knows nothing else.

[SteveLW]

All she does is lie, that was made very obvious yesterday.
She provided 4 different stories about the check for S3 Dr. appt within 3 hours. it was insane.
there are literally hundreds of other small occasions she has been caught in lies ive never posted about here as they were trivial. Plenty of which are from before Affair discovery and BD, just everyday stuff.
Lying is her lifeblood. She knows nothing else.

Yeah that is rough. My former BIL (sister's ex H) was just like that. ESPECIALLY when it came to paying money back. I know many many people that he still owes money to 30 years+ later.

He is one of the ones I mentioned that eventually gave up parental rights of my niece in order to get out from under $30k+ of back support. Sad, he put not paying even over his D. Last I heard he was in jail for bank fraud.