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Originally Posted By: Dawn70
I was wondering something along the same lines as Ginger....how do these SIL updates work for you? For me, it would be somewhat frustrating to have that kind of running dialogue about my ex, but then again, I'm not you and you are not me, so maybe it works great for you.
Great isn't a word I would use wink. At the beginning this was a mechanism to keep me from pain-shopping by putting a firewall in place between knowledge of my then wife's activities and a very hurting and confused man who did far too much mind-reading.

In early 2017, shortly after I told her I was done waiting for her to make up her mind and just before she used the joint savings account to go to a high end tropical resort with OM I blocked her on Facebook and SnapChat and coincidentally she blocked me. I also unfriended all of her relations. That helped stop the pain. My ex also a few months after she left stopped posting every time she broke wind often going months without posting anything. So there was usually nothing to report except silence.

My one SIL stayed FB friends with her out of morbid curiosity watching for the "karma bus". Most of the time there is nothing to report. Since it's been about 3 years since she started her affair and there has been no sign of my ex getting her happily ever after and his wallet firmly in her grasp we were concerned about her circling around to try to reconcile. Something that I've written about here as being uncertain on how I would handle. So - when she started posting drama and angst combined with other knowledge from S23 that she's started to finally unpack boxes at her apartment, we got concerned - hence my posting here to explore the issue.

Since everyone keeps telling me what a "catch" I am, I suppose I make a pretty decent Plan B too and have never given her any indication that that is completely off the table (let's not go there - even I don't have that figured out).

Since it would appear that they are back together for the present, the angst will probably stop and she'll go back into radio silence. Or announce wedding plans at which point SIL1 will cut the cord.

So - it bothers me yes - but it's good intel to have. One thing I've learned from reading a lot about divorce is that some possessive controlling types like my ex don't just go away quietly. The fact that she's stayed connected to those friends and relatives of mine that didn't dump her along with the fact that she's recently reached out to some of them supports this argument.

And - I fully expect that she's keeping an eye on me similarly. I'm 90% sure that S23 has been used as a spy to pass on intel on multiple occasions. We have nearly 30 years of mutual friends and acquaintances that she could draw on and probably hears about my activities even if she doesn't seek it out. Me - I've got nothing to hide. I have been tempted to "plant" information from time to time like when I started parking on the side driveway as if there was another car in the garage. S23 asked about that shortly after visiting his mother once. I believe she still occasionally works in the shop across the street that is the sister store to the one she manages and goes by the house regularly.

Still not sure if she actually "was" my ghost but I think she was for the wine bottle incident at least.


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The BIT haunts my FB page especially when the G is in the UK. My FB is completely open, I have nothing to hide.

The G knows about this site too.

But he has blocked his pages. I laugh about it. And since I am officially in the land of Nah and Meh as far as FB is concerned, I don't really care.

So he can go to hell and suck on a lemon.

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I'm just burning through this thread.

Trying to process stuff today. The roller coaster is still on the bottom part of the loop. I really hope that it's coming to a stop soon and I can exit through the gift shop but I doubt it.

Yesterday was a generally good but low key day. I had a long chat with my "work daughter" about life, buying houses, going camping etc. I remarked on how my SIL and the security guard were sure that I should be out dating and she heartily agreed. It's flattering to be told by people I like that I'm a "catch". Maybe one day I'll believe it but not right now.

I'm pretty sure that I know exactly why I'm down instead of up. It was the renewed news of my ex combined with her birthday which was yesterday. She turned 53. Only slightly to my surprise S23 wasn't home when I got here and his mother dropped him off alone without OM some hours later. He dashed in and then dashed out right away to go see a buddy of his.

I ended staying up late with a bottle of wine until he got home. He startled me awake by nudging me. I had just been sitting there, zombied out. Passed out could maybe be a term but most of the wine was still in the bottle and while I was tipsy I wasn't drunk. This isn't the first time this has happened but it is extremely rare. There was just this gap of several hours between my last recollection and him getting home. I believe the last time I was also similarly attempting to deal with issues.

I think the news flow about my ex will essentially stop soon. My SIL - who is very upset that she was wrong about me being a target - says that she's going to block her this weekend. My original reaction was a certain amount of panic which I think many here would understand but I said nothing.

With it being my ex's birthday "of course" Facebook had all sorts of reminders of birthdays past where I would post about how wonderful she was, wishing her a happy birthday. I remember on many occasions people telling her how lucky she was to have me in her life and her heartily agreeing. I absolutely believed that I was fortunate to have her including her flaws of which we both had lots.

I decided to post today to explore what it was that I had been looking for. Speaking honestly, I don't want her back. I usually qualify that statement but not today. She is who she is and it's more or less the person who she always was. A person who could do the evil things that she did to me and do it with a smile on her face. My own experience is modest compared to many here but it still hurt and still does.

I think that what I had been deep down hoping for was an act or expression of contrition or remorse. Does she actually feel that? No clue. When I was talking to my "work daughter" about her upcoming camping trip, I remarked on the large fund of camping equipment that I have that sits unused. It used to be for my ex and her regular outings as a Girl Guide leader. Something that was part of her identity. Something she shed in an fit of anger like several things she left behind when she left. She never did show any anger at me though.

Like many of the spouses who leave that I read about especially here, she has a new life and new friends many of whom know nothing of her backstory beyond whatever she may tell them. I highly suspect that she doesn't tell the truth. Knowing her, I expect she is silent on most things deflecting the questions.

Does she feel regret or remorse? I need to let go of that.

Is she content with her new life? From the outside it looks like it has sparkly bits but may just be glitter on a turd. I need to let go of that.

Will she follow the "process" as documented here of cycling through the "MLC stages" and "awakening"? From the outside she does seem to be following that script at least in part. Perhaps if she had gotten the sparkly life with the backyard pool and hot tub and regular exotic vacations that she always seemed to dream of she wouldn't. She does seem to be reconnecting more with at least her son and she does seem to be examining issues and reaching out to people who used to be part of her old life. I need to let go of that.

For me, I have so much to be grateful for but that doesn't mean that I can't be sad for what I've lost. I look around me and see lots of people who have built new lives even as mature people with new partners after the end of a marriage. I also see lots of people who haven't. Even though some of the latter say that they are happy without a partner they all seem rather wistful when they say it.

My SIL - who is sweet and pushy and never short on advice was chastizing me for keeping my wonderfulness from the available female population (?) Now that she's not worried about me being a victim of my ex she accepted my statement that I'm not ready.

Rain is in the forecast here today and tomorrow so my grass may have to wait until next week to be cut. It's been very dry lately though so it hasn't been growing much. I was able to have some fresh spinach from my planter with my breakfast which was nice. My poor tomato plant is still struggling but I'm doing better with it this year than I did last. I have a modestly busy day ahead of me which I need to get moving on. All the usual errands. I've more or less given up hope on getting my fresh baking from the bank teller - who knows.

Time to face the day.


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Andrew

The gaps are traumatic dissociation and even a little alcohol may push you through the gateway.

Essentially your limbic mind is switching off your neo cortex whilst it processes what it has to. It also switched off the monkey chatter.

As long as you are safe it doesn't matter.

You may wish to consider a retreat of some kind. A period of silence where a combo of sleep and thinking with gentle exercise and nourishing food replenishes you. Communing with nature in a place of peace.

A place of meditation.

Can I speak freely on dating.

Many go into dating with the expectation of soul mates forever. It's dating for exploration.

As you have taken the red pill you know that the majority of potential dates are still in the blue pill state.

You aren't, you have shifted from the blue state world. As have almost all the peeps in this part of the board surviving.

The potential dating pool of the emotionally educated is much smaller than the whole pool. I am a bit of a cynic on this, I love Alan de Botton"s view of School of Life fame and his take on emotional maturity. It's hilarious and better than most stand ups. There are 6 to 10 prime feelings that the concious mind feels. And feelings are linear.

There are tens of thousands of emotional states in the body. There is an app out there in the world of apps on knowing body states. I tried it and it was okish. My fave is still superbetter which I love love love.

The body can only hold one emotional state at a time and we can traverse quickly moment by moment to another.

Taking the red pill means becoming self aware knowing where you are emotionally. Moving from I feel x (you caused it) to being in y feeling and z body state. From I can change it by the way I think to what I do. By changing your beliefs and mode of dealing with the world.

Brave heart that is where you are in this universe. The land of adults and the land of the red pill.

Sadly there are few adults in the red pill world. But you will find one worth having an R with that isn't hooked on the romance of limmerance. It will be worth it. YOU only need ONE.

So my thoughts are that it isn't that you arent ready to date. It is that you haven't yet met that adult who you can bond with. Beware the familiar too as finding someone who excites you may just be your ex with s new face. You may find an adult will, not playground material.

I think that's why many LBS here struggle with dating, they have high expectations and having taken the red pill then can't find anyone to meet that expectation, because there are so few who have responsibility for themselves.

As for me I just date, if it's a blue pill person then it's just for fun times.

It will come Andrew. It will. I internet promise.

V


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V 64, WAW


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Well drat. No baking from the bank teller. Since she hadn't been in for 2 weeks I asked if everything was OK with her and was told that she left for a new job.

I gathered together my courage and sent her a note wishing her good luck in her new adventures and mentioning that seeing her lovely smile and our chats were a highlight of my week. I expressed hope that we would run in to each other at some time.

I got a nice response back thanking me for my good wishes. No specifics on her new job, no comment on perhaps getting together. And no mention of baking.

It was pretty obviously a keeping him at arms length sort of dialogue. It made me feel good that she also thought well of me mentioning me as "one of her favourites". I'm figuring that if she was interested she would have given me more details on her new job and perhaps made a general comment about seeing each other in the future.

Ah well. She was indeed a bright spot in my week. I didn't have much invested despite thinking about possibilities with her for more than a year and so I can only shrug. If I'm wrong she knows how to contact me and I believe follows my instagram account.

SIL1 went on a large rant last night messaging me about how upset she is - probably in large part about being wrong that my ex had been dumped and how she appears to have "won". I'm figuring that will slow down now though.

Feeling "the lonely" today which indicates to me that I'm cycling through processing things. It's been a few months since the last time. The bed and house feel very empty today. In an hour I'll probably pop out for lunch and perhaps my friend, the owner of the shop will join me. I think another friend who happens to be the owner's SIL may be there too. It's raining and a quiet day in the village (we usually have lots of tourists). I may have a nap and / or a bubble bath. Been a while since I've done either.

V - I like your idea of a retreat. I have a couple of weeks of vacation coming up in late July depending on what's going on with a project at work. I'll maybe see about getting out on the water with my canoe which is always theraputic. I may also look into something more organized. Budgets are tight like they always are but I have a bit of cash set aside earmarked for vacation.


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Hey Andrew,

Sorry to hear your ride has been a bit rough these days. Personally, I believe that no contact is no new hurts. I think you should ask your SIL to stop checking your XW's facebook page. There was never any reason to think your ex and her bf were broken up. You two are divorced and living separate lives. You can't move on if you continue to ponder what she is doing, how she is feeling, and what is happening in her life. To put it bluntly, who cares? smile

I'd love to hear more about your new beginning and how you're creating a life for yourself. Yes, XW is probably using your son to get whatever information about you. That's on her. It's likely a control issue, not an issue of interest.

How's the job search going?

It's too bad about the banker lady. I think you're right that she would have given you more information if she wanted to re-connect. If you're not ready to date, then don't date. I think once you realize that you really are a catch, you will be in a better position to date. In the meantime, stay busy with other activities that you enjoy. And when you are ready, you don't need to date for a relationship, you can date for fun memories. Over time, those fun dates will turn into a relationship when you meet someone who you want to get to know better over time.

I hope you make some more concrete plans for your vacation time next month. You did well when you had things to look forward to - visiting your daughter.

If you're wondering, things are going well for me. 2 of my kids had a birthday this month... they are 12 and 2 now... with 10 year old in the middle. smile We had a party yesterday. I thought it was going to rain all day, but it held off until the festivities were over! Summer has barely begun and the 10 and 12 year old are driving me bonkers... it's mostly the 10 year old. I gotta figure out what to do to change things up so I don't lose my patience!!

-dream

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dream - Thanks for stopping by. It sounds like you are doing a fabulous job as a Mom and that even the weather gods are on your side.

You are of course right about everything. I do think that my SIL is now giving up on watching my ex. She means well but unintended consequences are a thing.

It was both bad and good in that I was obliged to examine my thoughts about her more honestly and closely than I have had to for a while. I do believe that I have more clarity. She is very firmly on her path which does not point anywhere near me.

Early this morning I was "awake" and felt her turn over and heard her breathing again. Weird the way that a mind works. Nobody was there of course but I was sure that I was awake.

As you suspect, I'm currently "stuck" in a number of aspects of my life. The job hunt is stalled, there are no specific plans for my July vacation. I know that I should be making strides forwards but am indeed just going day by day right now.

I do feel pretty good about myself and somewhat optimistic about my future. I have a doctor's appt in a couple of weeks to review my biopsy results but am not too worried about that. Over-all I'm in good health. My job, while annoying in a number of ways is for now stable. I'm making changes in my home environment with a new roof on the front porch hopefully this week weather permitting. I did discover this morning that I need a new microwave. I got my porridge cooked after a few false starts but my eggs had to be done on the stove.

All of which means that I'm running a bit behind now but I wanted to make sure to reply to you promptly. I now have an errand to do after work or at lunch. A new microwave that fits the space I have in my cabinet.


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Originally Posted By: AndrewP
As you suspect, I'm currently "stuck" in a number of aspects of my life. The job hunt is stalled, there are no specific plans for my July vacation. I know that I should be making strides forwards but am indeed just going day by day right now.


AndrewP,

What do you want to do with the rest of your life?

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Yes I am interested in the answer to that clean question.

V


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V 64, WAW


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Originally Posted By: doodler
AndrewP,

What do you want to do with the rest of your life?
I have no idea. I'm not even to the point of wishing I knew. I've never been one for grand long term plans or "making something of myself".

To quote Gag Halfrunt I'm "just zis guy, you know?"

I've spent much of the last 30 years being a husband, father, professional writer of memos and just cruising along. I've built a few boats, volunteered for good causes and done my best to ensure that I provide the universe value for the effort it put into my existence. It's been a good and comfortable life up until the last 2 years.

And V - You "knew" that there wouldn't be a clean answer to the clean question wink


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I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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