D18' s grad was very hard. I held my head up and looked at everyone. This was my ball court. I found strenght through everyone else who were there. I knew over 80% of them. I could do this. I saw my ic therapist present. She was unconciously making me stronger. Her daughter is a friend of D18 and they graduated together. She is here as i write this!
I am proud of myself. I am proud of my children, i am thankful of the outcome and the breakthrough for me! I do have great pictures!
Exquisite, we can anchor your success using an NLP technique. It's one I used before I needed to go to court against the G.
Basically, you need ten minutes of privacy. Imagine a big circle on the floor in front of you. Stand in front of it, close your eyes and feel proud like the major moment of achievement. Really really feel proud and amazing, imagine your IC, kids, V, Andrew and Job cheering you on, congratulating you. Step into your circle and as you do tap your wrist (The one with your watch on it). Repeat several times.
Every day for 3 or 4 days you can do this.
That spot near your wrist is called the anchor spot, there are lots of online resources to do this.
It's an NLP technique which helps you build your confidence.
You have shifted, I love it.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I fonction very well as a friend, as a manager and as a mother. My weakness is fear of ex-h and fear of reliving this crap. I am satisfied with everything else
I am still reading and i came across a tab about mental health that would benefit Andrew and many others i am sure. Since we can not share the link, i will copy/paste. JOB, feel free to discipline me if i break a rule
Everyone struggles in life at one time or another, and life’s journey has many ups and downs, twists and turns. Life is never a straight and even path and may require the occasional detour to get to where we want to be in life. Whether you have experienced traumatic events or not, and most of us have, we all experience times when we doubt ourselves, are fearful, uncertain and feel inadequate. This is part of being human.
Trauma can affect our mental health but it doesn’t mean we are crazy, sick or ill. Remember, trauma is an injury that happens to us.
Many people think mental health is simply the absence of a mental illness. Mental health and mental illness are however two very different things. Mental health is the sense of well-being that comes from knowing that you can cope with whatever life sends our way. Mental health is about a quality of life and finding balance between all aspects of our lives – social, physical, spiritual and emotional. The World Health Organization defines mental health as “a state of well being in which the individual realizes his or her own potential, can cope with the normal stresses of life, can work productively and fruitfully, and is able to make a contribution to her or his own community.” The Public Health Agency of Canada defines mental health as being “the capacity of each of us to feel, think and act in ways that enhance our ability to enjoy life, and deal with the challenges we face. It is a positive sense of emotional and spiritual well being that respects the importance of culture, equity, social justice, interconnections and personal dignity.
Good mental health can actually prevent mental illness. It is understandable and very normal that when we experience traumatic events we can feel less confident in our ability to cope with what life throws at us, you might feel more guarded, less trusting, less sure of yourself and of others. It can change the way you view and interact with the world around you. This can affect your mental health, disrupt your sense of life balance, your confidence, your connection with others and interfere with your quality of life. While it can feel crazy making but it doesn’t mean you are crazy. Your reactions and feelings are normal reactions to abnormal events.
You survived these traumatic events because of strengths you have and internal and external resources you could access. This also took courage. Recovering from the affects of trauma and enhancing your mental health is about understanding and knowing your strengths and knowing yourself. No one has perfect mental health and everyone can do things to improve their mental health. It’s a life long journey that gets easier as you travel down the road you have already started. You are actually farther down that road than what you might think.
So what defines and contributes to our mental health?
Dr. Corey Keyes described three types of well being; Emotional, Psychological and Social Well Being. We will also include spiritual well-being. All of these types of well being contribute to our mental health and recovery:
Emotional Psychological Social Spiritual Emotional Well Being refers to the presence of positive feelings (i.e. happy or feeling interested in life, as well as a general satisfaction with life, being able to experience moments of joy.)
Psychological well being can be divided into six components:
Self Acceptance – a positive self concept and ability to acknowledge both the positive and the negative aspects of ourselves. Positive relations with others- having warm, satisfying and trusting relationships with others. This includes being concerned with the welfare of others, an ability to display empathy, affection, intimacy and compassion. Autonomy – Self determined and independent, being able to resist social pressure to think and behave in particular ways, to know and abide by our own individual standards and values. Environmental Mastery- an ability to take advantage of available opportunities and shape our surroundings to adequately meet our own needs without restricting the freedom and opportunities of others. Purpose in Life- having and pursuing goals, feeling that life has meaning and having beliefs that give life purpose. Personal Growth- continually developing ourselves, recognizing our own potential, welcoming new experiences, and being able to change ways that demonstrate an increased sense of self-awareness and effectiveness. Being curious.
Social Integration – Feeling that we have things in common with others, feeling connected to both a community and the larger society. Having an interest in people and the world around us and a sense of belonging. Social Acceptance- Trusting others, seeing people as kind and generally holding favorable views of humanity. Social Contribution – believing we are important, valued and effective members of society. Social Coherence – Caring about the world we live in and understanding the way things work within it. Social Actualization – Having a hopeful outlook that society is improving, can or will improve. This would also include believing that people can change and that you can change and grow.
As mentioned earlier a fourth type of well being is “Spiritual Well Being”. Spirituality is about a search for understanding essential core meanings of existence. It is the aspect of being human that refers to the way individuals seek and express meaning and purpose and the way they experience connectedness to the moment, to self, to others, to nature, the earth and to the significant or sacred.
There are many ways to express and experience spirituality and a connection to the world around you. For some it make be a matter of faith or belonging to a spiritual community, it might involve prayer, it could involve dancing, singing, chanting, meditation, yoga, hiking, mountain climbing, walking in a park or, staring at the stars. It is what every helps you feel connected with yourself, with others, the natural world around you and gives you feeling that life has hope, meaning and purpose. Whenever you strive to discover and nurture what gives your life meaning, purpose, hope and a greater connection with the world around you, you are striving to be spiritually healthy. One method, one way, and one size does not fit all.
When you think about the nature of traumatic experiences it is not surprising that some of these aspects of us and our mental health would be challenged. For example when people who were supposed to care for and look out for us instead hurt us it makes perfect sense that it might affect how we see and approach people and the world around us.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yesterday morning, i received a text from one of my sister saying my mother had a major heart attack and it dud not look good. ( she did try to call me on many occasions and on many phones but i was already at work.)
Once i saw the text and voicemail, i called her back. My 2 other sisters and one of my brothers had arrived. Right away, i started fixing the schedule so that me and Daughters could take off for the rest of the week. We are 3 hours away from them.
As we arrived, my other brother had arrived as well but were going to have dinner as mom hasn' t had any change for awhile. They informed me that a patient transfer was gonna take place in the afternoon.
Me and my daughters made her way to my mom' s room where we were greated by my 2 sisters giving us a quick update on mom. Solange put her hand on my mother' s shoulder and told her: " Mom, your baby is here"
I approached her, said " HI mom" I leaned in and gave her a kiss. I could feel her excitement even through her breathing struggle.
Claudette said joyfully: "look, she opened her eyes to see you!! " Solange ( who is a nurse ) teared up and said: " no, that is not a good sign! She was waiting for you Diane! "
And with this few last breath, our mom left us for a better world..
My Daughters could not handle the emotionnal state in the room. They stayed in the hall. I went and gave them the news ...
No need to say more. My mother was my biggest blessing gift from God. Me, my brothers and sisters and my children are all branches from her and my father.
This morning, i woke to a text from ex- h asking if i was ok and hoping i would not mind about him wanting to attend my mother' s runeral.
(((((exquisitetobe)))) - I'm so very sorry for your loss but am glad that you had that one last blessed moment with your mother.
Depending on your own wishes I might suggest that you thank your ex-h for his concern and kind thoughts but ask to be left to grieve on your own with your siblings and children.
You could suggest perhaps that he make a donation to a favourite charity of your Mother's in her name. That's what I did when my ex-in-laws passed and it did help me to know that I recognized their passing and that their children knew that I grieved with them even though I chose to not intrude.
More hugs (((exquisitetobe)))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thank you so much AJM, Tad, Andrew, Pax Luv, DnJ, kml and Westo for your kind and gentle words. They warm my heart. Andrew, i might or might not regret this decision but i said yes to ex- h to attend. The truth is he will be there to support our children as all 6 of us( me, my brothers and sisters ) will be fully involved in the ceremony. From opening it with the honouring walk while holding the cross and " cierges"( candles ), to readings and psaulm etc. We are doing it all in honour of our mom. It will be hard but it will be BEAUTIFUL and something each and everyone will carry in their hearts, including my children!
Also, ex-h will take care of D22' s ride from North Bay to Quebec and back. I will take care of S19 and his gf. from Timmins to Quebec and back. Ex-h just saved me an 8 hour drive
I am so sorry for your loss...but I am glad you were able to be there for her. She could feel the love all around her and she will always be with you and your family.
Please take care of yourself during this time of sorrow.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Today is brother-in-law' s burial in Palmarolle, Que. The entire family will attend.
Tomorrow, i got to go to work for the day, pick up Son and gf in the evening and work the morning on Sunday. Then, it is straight to Quebec for my mom.
I feel strong. I am visualizing Monday to prepare myself. I want this day to be beautiful and loving just like she was.
I agree with DnJ (as usual). I think it's a wonderful sign of your strength and love for your mom that you allow your exH to be there. If only we could all focus on something more important ALL the time, we would not freak out in the presence of our spouses. I just love how your love for your mom is so powerful that it overwhelms everything else, like the sun of your love for your mom and your knowing that your kids need your exH next to the lightbulb of your anxiety about your exH. I hope that this will continue to bring out all your best selves, including your exH's. There is so much love radiating in your posts about this, it is powerful. Your grief will be hard but the rest will carry you.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
I wasn' t going to post but i realise that i can help others by sharing how i got through this...
Sunday, me and Daughters were able to get off work at lunchtime so we made it in Quebec just in time to welcome everyone who attended the wake. 3 out of 4 aunts were able to come. In the evening, her Godson( who we concidere another brother of ours)from Florida made appearance. We were sooo surprised and happy beyond words. I never expected this! Shortly before, another one of my cousins ( whom i have not seen since childhood) showed up. My joy was sky high!! Many old neighbours, friends and family attended.
Monday, my anxiety was felt in a low key. At thr first sign of it, i concentrated on my prior joy of being surrounded by so many loved ones. I also tried to reverse the table. It must be 100 times harder for ex-h to find the courage of facing all of those people who LOVE all of us.
Me, my brothers and sisters were ask to go to the church to get directives for the ceremony. I suddenly got a tap on my shoulder. D22 jumped in my arms. As we hugged, my 2 brothers shook hands with ex-h. To my surprise, ex-h opened his arms to me to give his condoleances. I hugged him, thank him and turned my attention back to D22. She says: " look, we bought flowers! " ( in a vase ). Me: oh wow.. thanks.. i' ll put them in the car. We are done in the church. Let' s go join everybody.
Ex-h was right behind us. I looked at him and said: " the children will sit with you. Us, my mother' s children, are taking parts in the ceremony. Me, Jack and Gerry are opening and closing it. I have to sit up front along with my sisters.
Ex-h agreed.
Once we walked in the hall, everyone came to greet D22 and ex-h With a hug and a kiss. Many people thanked ex-h for his presence and kindness. They made him feel welcome as if he never left 10 years ago.
Within 15 min. of their arrival, we had to move to the church.
I was the " holder of the cross and the guide for my 2 brothers on my side " i was first in line, followed by my brothers, and then, my mother. I was a bit teary but i stood tall and proud. My 2 sisters read and my third one did the honnouring speech. Now, we all got emotional. There was laughs, tears but above all love and pride of being in such close and loving family. At the end of the ceremony, i once again stood tall and walked to the back with my brothers and my mom. I cried as my mother passed by us. and continued to cry while thanking everyone who walked by. Kissed each of my children as they walked by and stayed there until everyone left the church.
When i made my way back to my children, i approached ex-h and told him that next was the cemetary followed by a lunch at the hall we used to rent for our X-mas parties. D22 said they were leaving and ex-h turned to her and said: Don' t you want to bring your flowers to your grandma?
( to my surprise, they were not for me. Lol ) I said: " yes, come. All 4 of yous can lay them by her.
They did. Now, D22 sais: we have to leave. He has another 8 hours of driving. I said to ex-h: you are more then welcome to join us. No matter what, you' ll have to eat. Might as well be with the children.
He agreed.
I did not seat by him. I had my nephiew on one side and D18 and D22 on the other. Next to her was ex-h. Across the table, there was Son' s gf, son and D15 followed by my sister Solange.
Lunch over, D22 get up and says, now, we' re really leaving. I got up, hugged and kissed her. Told her i would text her before we leave saturday. ( we are going appartment hunting in North Bay for D18) While we did this, ex-h got up and walked the other way so i sat back down with nephew and told my children to go give their hugs and goobyes to their dad. I let them be.
I have not heard a peep from ex-h since. D22 however has sent us a group message saying : " dad followed the speed limit the whole way and stopped many time. Weird! "
I answered: " he probably has alot on his mind since he was welcomed with open arms and threated with love and respect from my whole family"
D22 says: " yeah! You' re probably right! "
We got back home a little pass super time. Son and gf gathered their stuff and made our way to Timmins. Got home late.
Today, the usual routine is back.
I feel good. I am a bit tired but i am at peace. And for that, i am thankful!
You did an excellent job of keeping your anxiety in check. Funerals are stressful on everyone, especially the direct family members. I am glad your D22 and xh attended and he was made to feel welcome. Now, he has a lot to think about and you may not hear from him for a while.
For now, try to keep your focus on today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
D18 said her father called her last week mentionning how great of a mother i am. He added that he knows i did not spend their child support on myself. He was proud of me and our children.
A few days later, he called her again to make plans to go kayaking with her next week-end. He also said he would give D22 a couple of his kayaks so once she is settled in her new place, they could kayak together. Then, he asked her if she told me what he i said about my motherhood and finances. She said no and he seemed desappointed so today, she told me.
I said: " if he brings it up again, tell him i really appreciate is compliment. I am glad he sees it and WE could not have had the financial security we have without him. "
To D18, i said: " he always said i was a great mother, always. Might be insight and kind gesture toward me? Might be ge feels a bit blue and he' s looking for validation of his part in our life which we should ALL be thankful for. Without his support, there would not have been the cars, the security school bank accounts, the freedom of our adventures exploring our region and beyond..
We should all thank him. It would have a positive impact on him.
Since my mother' s funeral, there has been only one contact between me and ex-h. I sent him a picture of D18' s apptm. building with the address. He said: " i hope it' s in a good neighbourhood.
I told him it was close to D22. He rephrased and said: i ' m sure it' s in a good neighbourhood i' m glad she is close to D22.
I said:" so am i and so is D22.
Nothing else so far. We will get the keys Sept 1. I booked a week of my holidays to get her moved and set in.
As for me, my relocation has not been a priority yet. Too many events took place. D18 is priority right now. My turn will come later.
There was a big forest fire in one of the region i was concidering. Fortunately, the town was spared.. scary moment..
I know every story is different with many similarities.
This is a letter wrote by a man who left is wife and kids for la-la land:
'Don't be me and live with regret': a man's letter to other men tempted to cheat 18:37 03/02/2015 admin
Jacob* left his wife of almost a decade for a woman he had been romancing online. But the grass wasn't greener on the other side. He shares his story with YOU.
"I was you 9 years ago.
I was married, had been with my wife for 15 years. Then I left her 2 months short of our 10 year wedding anniversary.
We were parents to two beautiful children, who are in their late teens now, but were only seven and nine years old when I walked out.
I travelled for work, stayed in a different hotel at least three nights a week. That’s how I met Eve*.
We got to know each other over time. We became Facebook friends. We sent messages to each other all day and night. She was also married, also had two kids. We had so much in common, we soon fell in love. I felt like she 'got' me.
This was all during a very trying time in my marriage. I wasn’t happy, I didn’t look forward to going home. My wife had put on weight, we hardly ever spoke, she always looked so miserable.
Little did I realise that I was the reason she was so down and depressed. I didn’t pay her any attention. I took her for granted. I was too busy wishing my life was more exciting, being romanced online, spending all of my free time thinking how I could get out.
I believed she didn’t love me. I convinced myself she never cared about me or my needs and wants and wishes, that all I was was a paycheck.
She spent her free time taking care of us -- our kids, making our suppers, doing out washing, making lunches, doing homework, projects, shuttling kids to sport, taking care of the pets they loved so much, their friends, and had a job of her own on top of it all.
Every time she spoke to me, all I heard was nagging and whining. But she was actually begging for my attention: a weekend away, a date night, a movie -- everything I ended up doing with Eve behind her back and after I left my family.
We argued and fought because we felt unheard by the other. And yet that was all we actually had to do – LISTEN – to each other!
I moved to another province with Eve. My now ex-wife got custody of our kids. I saw them every second weekend, the usual 'Dad' set up.
New beginnings
Life was sweet!
Eve and I had an amazing sex life. A connection I believed I never had with my ex. We had a large circle of friends. My family loved her. My kids liked her.
But my ex could never bring herself to meet Eve – she felt betrayed. I hated her even more! She was childish. She was mean. She never cared about me or my happiness. I didn’t care about my ex’s feelings when I posted photos of us on Facebook… I had Eve and a whole new life and it was fantastic!
We were together for about six or seven years but never married – we believed marriage was not our thing.
I believed that after 15 years with my ex, we’d given it all we could and our time together was up, there was nothing we could do to salvage our relationship or marriage. Eve was my future, Eve was who I should have been with all along.
Eventually, no matter how well we got along in the beginning; no matter how well I thought she “got” me; no matter how good the sex was; the “honeymoon” came to an end.
Eve and I started snapping at each other. Little fights here and there. I had a moment of pure realisation one night, at about 2am.
I realised that I missed the woman who created my first home and family. I realised that if I'd treated my ex-wife the way I’d treated Eve, used the hours I spend woo-ing Eve on my ex, she’d have bloomed.
If I’d stopped being negative about her and our relationship to my family and friends they wouldn’t have been so negative to her and she wouldn’t have pulled into herself and shied away.
She became someone I convinced myself I no longer knew or got along with because I never gave her the time and affection and attention she craved and deserved.
I thought I had, but when I got down and really thought about it I never really did. I never really let her in. I had ended my marriage years before with the simple decision that she was no longer who or what I wanted. And I’d convinced my family and friends the same – that she was no good for me!
Regret sets in
But I was wrong. I missed the best years of my kids lives. Missed being a family with them. I let their mother battle with raising them alone. Yes I helped financially, but a man living outside his family has no real idea what the costs are on the single mother. While Eve and I ate steaks on the weekends, my ex-wife was living on egg and toast.
And do you know that she never complained? She never demanded more money out of me. She never stopped me from seeing the kids. Never said no if I changed plans on her at the last minute. She gave up her weekends so that my mother could spend time with her grandchildren. She left me to get on with my life with Eve, even though it must have killed her.
Like any relationship, it had started out good – great in fact – but when it go bad I decided to leave… I walked out and divorced a woman who – and I can only see this now – would have done anything for me. But I’d told myself she wouldn’t or couldn’t.
My ex-wife stayed single for 8 years. She dated but never got involved. Her being single was also a kind of affirmation for me – that no one wanted her – that everything I’d decided she lacked, so did other men… She actually stayed single to focus on our children.
Too late
And then came the day she met Craig. I never thought it would bug me in any way if she got a boyfriend. I thought it would be great! But I was very wrong. I felt hurt. I felt jealous. I even felt angry and maybe betrayed.
She moved in with Craig, along with my kids. She set up a new home. A new family, with my kids… it was a very bitter pill to swallow.
I finally understood how she’d felt all these years. And it felt rotten.
I watched via Facebook and through conversations with our old mutual friends how Craig spoiled her and the kids. Their weekends were spent on the beach – he surfed with my son. They went hiking in the Burg. They went to Mauritius where he proposed on a kayak and she said yes -- they got married.
My daughter was a bridesmaid. My son was a groomsman. Craig’s parents and brother welcomed my ex-wife and children into their family. They told everyone how blessed they were to be gaining them as family.
She glowed with happiness. She radiated love and none of it was for me! My heart felt like it had been ripped out.
It should have been me.
Don’t be me. You think you will never be happy when you are in a rut. It is when you are there at your darkest that you need to grip down and try your hardest.
Today I live alone and still only see my kids occasionally. They are big now and harbour anger towards me for leaving them and their mother. Who can blame them?
Of all the things Eve was, she was never the mother of my children – my original true love."
*Names have been changed.
This story was submitted to YOU by one of our readers and has been minimally edited.
So many stories like this one.. will you stand? Will he/she realise? What will it take? Is it really worth it? The choice is YOURS..
This is awesome. The only problem with it is how sorely it will tempt almost every single LBS who reads it to send it to his/her spouse or to his/her spouse's best friend.
Don't worry, I won't! But boy do I want to.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
This is what most of us are hoping for.. maybe not recon anymore but a realisation on their part. Some kind of apology and regret for their choices.
I read other stories and many people who have reach this point gave their ex another chance and re-lived it all over again years down the road. Once the cheater gets settled and gets bored, they run for it again. They miss the gf or no longer can handle a house full of kids.. constant readjusting. I beleive that they can' t be happy for long period of time. They do not appreciate what they have. They are constantly looking for excitement no matter what the people around them feel.. these are my observations. The percentage of couples making it after bomb in my region is very low. Not zero but low.
Now, an update:
D18 made plan to go kayaking with her father this week- end. My truck ( work) came in as my shift was ending. I called D15 to let her know i had to stay and she would have to walk to work. Her shift started at 4h00. I also asked if she saw D18 today. She said she was home and ex-h was on his way to pick her up. When D15 got to the store, she said ex-h was at the french fry stand and did not offer her a ride to work. She was abit upset because it was 33 degrees outside. Very hot .. i was almost done and decided to stay abit longer to make sure i would not meet up with ex at home.( they had to load D18' s kayak). Well, that did not help. He came to the store. ( it has been months since he showed his face at my work place) . He brought supper for D15 and came to talk to me about D15' s boyfriend. Ex-h has been enquiring to each of us about him and told me he would pick up D15 next week-end and would have a talk with her.
Sounds sweet and caring right? Well i use to think so but now, i always think there is more to it. I truely think he is afraid she will move in with them if i move and he does not want her to. How many times has he tried to get son out of his place in the past? He got raid of gf's 2 kids. He says he loves them all but he cannot bare the responsability and obligation that comes with children.
My one SIL keeps watching my ex for remorse and regret and for the "karma bus". She sees what she thinks is that but has no way of knowing what the reality actually is.
I liked the story you posted but the cynic in me has doubts about the triumph of the LBS and the downfall of the cheating spouse.
Everyone keeps reassuring me that great things are in store for me but I still remember from growing up on a farm that someone has to shovel the sh!t so am doing my best to accept whatever life hands me.
Hopefully in your own case your ex will go back to keeping his distance again. You've been learning new tools I hope to help you cope ((exquisitetobe)).
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Your ex left with the milk man.. or should we say/ the milk man left with a married woman. hummm??.. that is a fact they both have to deal with. I am pretty sure it is in the back of their minds once in awhile.
also, in your situation, which I will address here since it refer to one of my experiences. Being OM/OW.. Those darn truck drivers are really good at playing women. lol
2 maybe even 3 years after bomb, a truck driver came after me. He called me 2-3 times/day. He would deliver our goods to fit MY schedule in order to spend time with me. I fail for it. It was getting pretty serious and one of my female co-worker cautioned me. She believed he was married. AND HE WAS! Pour guy... I became his wife' s voice. I blasted him with a dose of HER REALITY. this is not the point here..
This is: I felt foolish, angry at myself for believing in his "love for me". I felt low, dirty, ashamed , disgusted with myself. How could I do to a family what had destroyed mine?
Well... this truck driver is no longer driving. He almost died in a crash. He is still with his wife and he is still cheating on her. He made contact with me last year to tell me they were getting along now but her libido was gone while he was still very much alive. YURK!!! I blocked his phone. He no longer have access to me.
On their way to their cottage, they encountored a blonde girl on a 4 wheeler. Out of the blue and infront of OW, ex asked D18 if OW3 has ever tried to get in contact with them. No need to say that OW got p@ssed. The whole week-end turned into a blame game and OW constantly saying: " it' s my fault again, it' s always my fault, right?".
Ex- h did some fishing and kayaking alone with D18. He brought her back 2 hours late. Not surprised.
Why is he playing the fields all over again? Why did he want to be present at my mother's funeral? Why hers? ( she did not speak english and was not close to him). Why not my 2 brothers or step dad?.
Who is his family? What on earth is he doing?
Last edited by job; 07/28/1801:10 PM. Reason: edited a word
Triangulating. Creating tension by involving new / outside people to keep the inside people on their toes. You've always known that his relationships with his various OW haven't been stable from everything I've read. Circling back to a prior relationship is pretty common for someone who is unfaithful because it's easy.
Being an OW and knowing that cheaters cheat and liars lie must be uncomfortable.
And he's looked over his shoulder and you've moved so he wants to be sure you are right where he left you. It's (I believe) part of their selfishness. He was kind to show up to your mother's funeral though. Accept it as an isolated fact but understanding is beyond us all.
Repeat this over to yourself "pas mon problème". In a month or so I believe you will be down to 1 child at home - you'll need to practice some recipes for smaller pies. That's more important.
But - I know this is tough (((exquisitetobe))) Do your best to not get news of or about him.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Liars lie... do they ever. They twist things up until their new truth makes them the victim.. unbeleivable. I am raging again. HOW CAN I CUT HIM OFF WHEN THE KIDS WANT HIM IN THEIR LIVES? I am making myself sick over this.
I am at a point of whatever happens, happens. D15 is with him for the week-end.. ex is on a high. His goal is to address her boyfriend. On a high, i know it will be ugly.
I got blasted on text again this week. I was accused of being a cold heartless _______, an idiot, a self centered ----, The one to blame because my standards were too high and would have cause him to have a heart attack.
Of course, i cried, i felt like i was nothing, worthless.
D18 was with me in the car when the texts came in. I was driving her to work. I told her i felt worthless and she says: " how do you think we feel? Constant fighting back and forth now, i don't even want to go in because i don' t know what you' re gonna do? You need help."
I am overwhelm.. i have too much to cope with. A pill will not fix things. Don' t they get it? Yes, i could use help but not from a pill, FROM THEM!!
For me to disengage... Here are 6 warning signs that the person you’re arguing with is a psychopath and it’s time to disengage.
1. They lie and make excuses. Everyone messes up every now and then, but psychopaths recite excuses more often than they follow through with promises. Their actions never match up with their words and their lies disappoint you so frequently that you actually feel relieved when they do something halfway decent. They’ve conditioned you to become grateful for mediocre treatment.
2. Their tone is condescending and patronizing. Psychopaths often try to make you unhinged in an attempt to gain the upper hand. Throughout the entire argument, you’ll notice that they keep a calm and cool demeanor. It’s almost as if they’re mocking you — gauging your reactions to see how much further they can push. When you finally react emotionally, that’s when they’ll raise their eyebrows, smirk, tell you to calm down, or feign disappointment.
3. They employ mind-blowing hypocrisy. In heated arguments, psychopaths have no shame and will often begin labeling you with their own horrible qualities. It goes beyond projection, because most people project unknowingly. Psychopaths know they are smearing you with their own flaws, because they are seeking a reaction. The point is to lure you in so that you react and seem “crazy” to onlookers.
4. They seem to have multiple personalities. When arguing with a psychopath, you’re likely to notice a variety of their personas. It’s sort of like good cop, bad cop, demented cop, stalker cop, scary cop, baby cop. Once you begin pulling away from their manipulation and lies, they’ll start apologizing and flatter you. If that doesn’t work, they’ll suddenly start insulting the qualities they just flattered two minutes ago. As they struggle to regain control, you’ll be left wondering who you’re even talking to.
5. They play the eternal victim. Somehow, their bad behavior will always lead back to a conversation about their abusive past or a crazy ex or an evil boss. You’ll end up feeling bad for them, even when they’ve done something horribly wrong. And once they’ve successfully diverted your attention, everything will get messy again. Psychopaths cry “abuse,” but, in the end, you’re the only one being abused.
Challenging times. Focus on you. Grieve your mother. It'll take time.
Stop wondering about why ex does anything. Use that energy more constructively.
What help do you seek? From your kids? Family?You sound like you are spinning. Change your focus and get back to yourself.
I too liked the letter you shared earlier. I may even repost it on my thread to reread. Thanks for sharing
Best wishes
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Oh, Exquisite, my heart aches for you. You sound so sad.
When your mind is in that place, it's so hard to climb out of it.
But I will say this -- my mom was in a similar state when I was a teen and in my 20's. I think she was in MLC, actually, and my parents got a D. I always felt so much responsibility for making her feel calm or happy, and I also had to hear way too much about my dad. This caused me intense anxiety, panic attacks where I would end up in hospital, etc. I want to encourage you to set your kids free from that -- Give them the gift of not having to worry about you. Find a support group, go to confession even if you are not Catholic, talk to a counselor, pray, go into the forest and yell at the universe. Find a million other places to vent so you don't have to vent to them. You have a heavy cross to bear but I just wanted to encourage you not to ask your children to carry it. You don't have to worry that they won't know the truth about their dad, they will. But if you encourage them to love and forgive him, or at least don't make them feel bad when they want to, they will be able to grow into themselves without as much anxiety.
MLC and D are horribly hard and it's all so unfair, I feel just the way you feel a lot and get the same panic and fear. But that fear is not of the light, you can battle it -- and you can also lift that battle from your kids shoulders as a gift to them.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Here is the dance: Ex-h comes to my mother' s funeral. Ex- h offers D18 to move her with the trailer belonging to MY SISTER! Then, turns around with a : nevermind, probably not a good idea. Last week, he asked D18 if she had people to move her as he made plan with S20. I thought Son20 was helping us?? Ex-h tells D18 he will go next week-end to finish setting her up. Tonight, out of the blue, he shows up at the house with boxes and tells her he will see her in a couple of months as he is going hunting. He has the audacity to tell her he loves her.
She smiled and said she loves him to. The end.
It is all in the appearance. Their ego. Their image. No responsability, no labour, no obligations. All image..
I refrained from interacting with him and i am glad i did cause i got triggered by him brushing her off.
Yep, it's all about appearances. Your xh is absolutely nuts, i.e., bouncing off the walls. I'm glad you didn't interact w/him.
Keep focusing on you and your children and be sure to take time for yourself. Breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you Job ! It is so easy to lose focus when ex-h is all over the map .
D18 is now an independant and scared young woman. We were able to move everything in one trip with the help of her friend. Once there, we got more help from D22 and future son-in-law. From shopping to unpacking to assembling and arranging, her place looks warm and cozy! I am so happy for her. Her insecurities shall soon desappear as her new routine takes place. Her friend is staying with her one extra night and i will be heading back there again on Thursday but this time, it will be for fun. I will spend time with D22 until Saturday. Then we will all go on an adventure to do a 4 to 5 hour hike in Killarney. It is said to be the most beautiful hike in Ontario. I can' t wait!
Since we were told that Son was going hunting with his father, we planned the move without him. Well, i should have known better. Yesterday was his girlfriend' s birthday and she posted her gifts and a cake that my son made for hef. ( a cute ladybug cake from a heartshape pan.. woww!! My son, the romantic! Then it clicked, he did not go hunting. I am 100 percent sure they would have came with us in North Bay and celebrated her birthday with us all. I was desappointed in me for not checking in with him prior to leaving.
Another crap from ex-h: he had told D18 he' d purchased a microwave for her and left it at D22' s. We got there and nope, no microwave. Only stuff D22 wanted to give to her sister. Last night, she gets a text apologizing for not droppung the microwave at my house the other night. ( NEVER A DOLL MOMENT). once again, where is the hunting in this?
Since ex-h is messed up and trying to gaslight each and everyone of us, my plans for next week-end might get cancelled last minute by an unexpected visit from their dad. It would not surprise me so i am making a plan B for myself to explore other territories on ky own for the rest of my week off, and if i am right, Killarney will be posponned to another time. I want the kids with me for it!
As for me having one less child at home, i thought i would be ok. I know i will be but tonight, i can' t sleep. Lol That is why i came on here. Maybe releasing a bit of my thoughts on here might help? I shall soon see..
Long post ahead.. I need to backtrack to our last text exchange who went down like so: Ex- h made mention about money to D18. So i let him know that i gave D22 her full account as her grad present. A substential amount of money and since she graduated, he no longer had to give me any money for her.
Ex-h: Ok, so why are you telling me this now? Did she buy a car? D22 told me this already that you gave her that money.
Me: No. They are looking into it. I did not know she told you. ( wich now explains why he brought it up to D18)
Ex-h: ... you know you were smart to put money away for them. I thank you for being smart and thinking ahead for them.
Me: ( feeling angry for his lack of responsabilities towards them... unjustified on my part). Ya well.. my priority is on MY FAMILY!!!! For you, i might be just some woman who raises your kids but for them, i am the head of household. I look out for them 24/7 . But i do have to thank you. They would not have the cash if it was not for you. ( under my management ) Good night!!
Ex-h: I try my best
Me: You give everybody just enough to keep them on and have your cake.. No ones feelings matter.. Don' t try... BE AND DO. It should not be a choice. It break my heart...
Ex-h: I broke my own heart leaving the same roof as the kids. Until this day you don't see who you're and are always making others feel like [censored] unless it's your way. I left you and didn't give up on wanting to be a part of their life. I swear had I stayed and tried! I'd probably be dead by now having a heart attack living my life to your standards and doing only what you wanted to do. I had enough of you trying to make me feel like [censored] (my name)
And grow up teaching our kids to hate me! I hear the things you say to them about me which again just proves you're a mean cold hearted ------. Last time D18 got hurt I didn't hear about it unit you guys were done at the hospital leaving. Had to hear it hours later by Son beating around the bush!!! ( refering to her car accident wich he was on speaker phone when the doctor came in the room.. but we did not call?) But you have the nerve to always send messages trying to make me feel like [censored]. But don't tell me about D18 car accident. All of them have phones. So there's no need for you to be messaging me anymore. I'm done hearing your rants.. save it for some one else who's willing to put up with it. I gave you 20 years of my life and even after that you're still and [censored] towards me. So don't bother responding to me just to get your last two cents in. Don't call me nor message me anymore. At all. Kids have my number if they need me. I don't need you hear your [censored] anymore. I don't need to hear your [censored] again. Ever. I hope i'm making myself clear.
Me: Yup... a cheater and abuser will always be a victim... Ask Lyne, ask Kim, ask me..
We all deserve what you do to us all.... Why did you come to my mom' s funeral??.?
Ex-h : One last time. Stop messaging me..
Me: Decide who you want to be... quit trying to blend all of your side life into ours.... do you realise all the dammage that it cause???
Ex-h: Telling you now to f*ck off! Shouldn't have to keep telling you to stop bothering me!!! I don't [censored]'n call or message you to put you down [censored]!! Don't give a [censored] if you share those kind words with the kids...I shouldn't have to tell you to stop bugging me after this long.. I don't need you to tell me I hurt them. I know you idiot!! What you don't see is your self always focusing on others and what they need to fix!!! Too stupid and stubborn to look at your self and fix your self instead of taking it out on others..so leave me alone ( my name)
Me : Mirror.. you sound like you did 12 years ago. So how can we fix [censored]? Or we just keep doing the same old things and expect different results?
The end Since this exchange, ex-h no longer have snapchat wich is where he had contact with the kids.his reason (what he has told the kids).. to many random women sending him nude pics and was creating a problem in his relationship.. ( wowww...lol)
Second: he has changed his personnal phone number to block me access to him.. another wow.. I never had his personnal number nor his e- mail address.. even back through the big D, we had to communicate through his lawyer which was a bonus for us..lol The only access i have is an "on-call" number ( lies but ok) wich we text on. D18 and D22 know this is the only access i have. They shared their analysis of his behavior and they are spot on. D22 has noticed when OW3 is in the picture, ex-h wears his leather jacket and shav his arms.. yup.. i did not share this info with them way back when.. they see it.
This exchange between D18, D22 and me took place last week-end. D18 added that out of the blue, ex-h called her to let "HER?? " know he would still give me money for all 4 of the children for as long as D15 was in school.. She did not know why he told her this. In my opinion, he wants them to beleive he cut the rope with me.
Now Saturday, he texted D22 to ask ME if it was ok for D15 to be alone for the night at home as she did not want to be picked up late.rather wait until morning. She answered for me that it was ok with me since she was working the evening shift and D18 has her location through snap chat. We keep track of her and D15 has been really, really good.
Again, making them both beleive he has cut the rope because i am evil..lol
D22 just purchased her first car!! Woohoo!! ( the reason of my visit..co-sign). While there, i viewed 4 houses and one stood out.. perfect location for D15. The french Catholic school is one block away. Ski club in the neighbourhood. Quiet, new residential developpement away from high traffic yet close to school and still in town.. I dropped in at my bank to have my pre-approved credit tcheck.i should get an answer by the end of the week. Also, the management job opportunity i turned down last year has been sent to me every 2 weeks since. Eventho they have a manager since June, i still get e-mailed .. ??? i' m pretty sure my chances of getting into Sobeys are high.. with a decent wage attached..
Time will tell.. it seem like everything is hinting me to go.. the school, the beautiful house, the job and as of today, offering of a single man looking for someone who loves to explore, hike and travel..lol ( future son-in-law' s co-worker) his co-worker was saying how lucky Son-in-law was to have a wife who loves doing this stuff with him and asked if he knew of someone. My name came up..lol
Forgot yo add.. Since i am considering selling my home, i am currently updating it to present well before listing... painting walls, changing a couple of floors and will probably update faucets.. Now the punch line... ex-h is still on my Hydro and satellite bills because he was the one who created those accounts. I tried to have his name removed and was unsuccessful. So last night, i sent him a text asking him to please,remove his name from both account with addresses and phone numbers for him to get him done. I told him i know there will be a charge for doing so and to tell them to add it on my next bill.. sent It went through.. no response tho.. not surprised.. My next option will be a written letter to both companie saying i will no longer be responsable for paiement of these account as i have sold my home. The bills can be forwarded to ex-h' s address.. This will take place when i sell my house.. he has until then to get it done..
exquisitetobe - I had problems getting my own ex off of the bills and such. For my hydro bill the required an email from her which I got by suggesting that she didn't want to be responsible for my spending. For my taxes and water bill they only changed that when her name was off the title. Similarly to the house insurance.
For satellite I'm not sure. A friend of mine actually lied to one of his providers saying that his ex was dead and that worked for him. Your mileage may vary
Other things were fortunately quite easy and a simple phone call or email did the trick.
It's too bad that you had that angry exchange with him. I can understand how frustrating it could be even though I've never had to deal with being blamed for anything. Yes, you are the bad person. The bad person who is holding everything together and providing a stable home and family for your children. The bad person who can be relied on. The bad person who is pretty darned upset at her ex and doesn't cover for his lies any more. The bad person that won't let her ex control her any more.
Good luck with getting the house ready to sell. I'm glad that's something I never had to do.
((exquisite))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
If you are officially divorced, make a copy of the divorce decree and send it along with your letters advising them that you want his name removed asap. I had the same issue, with the electric and telephone company, but when I explained that he was out to lunch, threatening to cut both off and I was living in the home, they soon got their act together and changed the bills over to my name.
I wish you all of the best in getting the house read to sell. It's a lot of work, but when that for sale sign goes up, you'll feel much better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I was able to remove him from my hydro. I will try your idea Job for the satellite bill.
This week-end is Thanksgiving week-end here. No word of ex-h doing anything for the children. All 4 were with me all week-end.
Next week-end is Son19' s birthday. He asked me to spend the week-end here with me. We made plan to meet up with D22 and D18 and explore a mine site for his birthday.
I heard of 2 stories concerning ex.
1: he asked D18 what had happened to me because we did so many fun things as a family and often refused to do things while he was with us. She answered: we got older, we grew up and it is easier now.. ( good answer.. )
2 : ex- h told son to not be like him.. son said: don' t worry, i have no intention of being you.
Heartbreaking.. it must be so hard to hear this from your child but at the same time, the way he treathed them is what got him to hear those words..
Update Last night, i created a profile on Match.. I did not pay for the full access. I did however get a glimpse of some men available around here and also around North Bay. One of them got my attention and while looking throu his pictures, i detected a clue. I searched it and found him on fb. Something many of us are good at on here..lol We chated a little today. He seem very nice and kind. A few minutes ago, i googled his full name and found out he is the team leader in crisis intervention... he seem out of my league.. I' m suddenly feeling nervous..
You are a beautiful woman and have nothing to be nervous about. If you meet up for a cup of coffee, that should break the ice a bit and then you can go on from there, i.e., a real date or say he's not the right one.
Hold your head up high! You are a prize and don't you ever forget it!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
this was short lived.. as soon as he found out i had 4 children, i was history.. The irony in this is: IT WAS ON MY PROFILE.. he answered to photos, not my profile therefor, where was his intentions? It was enough for me to deactivate my account. I have no faith in on-line dating.. I want real contact, real team effort by both parties to create a good, caring, loving life.
I need to put myself out there and join groups or organisations i care about and maybe meet someone who have the same interest as me.. my outings are mainly in the bush.. lol
You need to not think of online dating as dating - it's more like online meeting. Like casually meeting someone at a party. You could talk to a lot of people at a party before finding one you would actually want to date. You may need to go on a lot of coffee dates before finding someone worth dating.
Being more active in activities where you might find like-minded people is good too - it's just that at my age, most people are coupled up, so online dating at least ensures (mostly) that the people you are meeting are actually available and interested in dating.
If your kids are still at home, how about a single parents group? There at least you know you'd be meeting men with kids themselves.
exquisitetobe - Good on you for taking that first step and putting yourself out there.
You probably are in prime "man hunting" territory every day and not knowing it. We need to eat and go grocery shopping. If I remember correctly that's where you work (?) Now that I'm in the "single guy grocery shopping" territory myself spotting others is pretty easy and there certainly seem to be a lot of us around on Saturday mornings.
It would also give you a good idea on how they are taking care of themselves. Do they use a list? Does the list look like it is in their own handwriting? Are they only buying ready-to-eat foods? Are they lost and confused looking? (a good opportunity to say "can I help you").
Thinking of what is in my cart usually, it's only very basic foods. Nothing complicated.
If you see a guy, just smile and say "hi". The contents of the cart are a good topic "making a roast?".
((exquisitetobe))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Home Depot on a Saturday morning is good too lol! Still, the only guy I met after my divorce that wasn't from online dating was the guy who picked me up while shopping in Big Lots. (That should have been a sign. He was definitely broke.)
Thank you Kml and Andrew!! Andrew: I do have the perfect setting at work to meet men. My problem here is my town is too small. We all know one another and when a couple split, everyone else want to hook you up. I feel i cannot do this to the other party involved.. Exemple: My best friend wanted to hook me up with her brother-in-law eventho she loves her ex-sister-in-law who happened to be a ex-co-woeker of mine and i love her to. I could not do this to her..
There is a man spinning around me. Very kind and nervous around me. His son was an employee of mine. Again, i love his ex-wife and do not want to hurt her. Conflict of interest?...lol I think i am jumping ahead of myself.. The on-line gentleman i contacted live in the Sudbury region. Eventho my relocating is in proximity of that region, i am still over 300 Km away at the moment..
Around here, when you pay attention, you hear more and more affair or relationship began at work. Even 2 of my 3 tries began at work. It was rough when it fell apart. I am sooo lucky to have good employers who came and got me back
I flip the scale back and forth i want a relationship, i don' t want a relationship...
I guess when someone really triggers a spark in me, i will go for it..
KML.. lol.. Home depot is also a good place for sure.. I remember going to get lumber for my reno and a customer ( male ) was curious about my intention. He was listening to my conversation with the owner ( good friend of mine). That same man was asking about my project everytime he ran into me. He ended-up being my contractor to install a patio door and a front door.( i am good at construction but not to that extant) we became great friend and coffee buddies. Married..( i know his wife and had 2 of their grand-kids in my class back then). None the less, i met a man there.. lol
One more thing on a very serious matter.. My own experience and devastation of my ex' s departure which i now see as a blessing in disguise but i did not back then.. far from it..
He is still very messed up.. All good/ all bad with me AND the children. I would be lying if i was to say that i wasn' t afraid of his reaction. He created alot of trouble with his constant presence in my 3rd relationship.( the longest one of the 3). He drained me. He was also a problem to the kids. Fishing for info, using them to make physical contact etc.. in one of my earlier thread, i mentioned him coming to the store frequently for no reason, constantly.. i don' t want that.. i don' t want to put anyone through that.. And as crazy as this may sound, i do not want to do to him what he did to me because i know he will be devastated and messed up even more than he already is...
He has been quiet in my world and i like it like that. All i hear of him is from the kids.. By the way, he forgot Son' s birthday last week-end. He has spoken to D18 twice since she moved out of home.( he used to talk to her every 2 to 3 days while she was here. Info) In her last talked with him, he asked her if she prayed at night.. she said no, well, sometimes.. he said he does when he can' t sleep.. again, she said his call was weird. Son beleive someone tiped ex-h about his birthday as son got a text only last night from his father.( 2 days late). I spoke... Son, you were his informant when you were home until you left for College than, D18, you became it until you left.. who is next?? He will become D15' s best friend.. watch.. They all looked at eachother like a light was shed unto them and all agreed with me.. They shared more of their interactions and thoughts about ex. He is spinning lately.. Remember, he apparently cut ME off?? Well, last week, i had 6 missed calls from a "long distance private number". In all of the years i have been living here, does were ex-h.. i am 90% sure it still is and i am not contacting him back just so he can prove i am the one contacting him.. it' s a set-up.. ( i know how he plays his game)
I've seen this sort of story lots of times. They want to leave but they can't let go. For people like both of our ex spouses we were "their's". Mine was very possessive and controlling. What I thought at the time as protective.
On the other hand, you and I both know far more about what is going on with them than perhaps we should. You perhaps more than I as my son, if he is a conduit for information is only from here to there. I get information from mutual acquaintances and yes, do drive by her apartment from time to time to see if she's still stuck. It "is" on my way to work but there are other routes I could take and usually do.
Is she watching me? Hard to say but I assume yes. The sister store to the one she manages is across the street and historically she would be there regularly. Don't know if she is now or not. The house is on the main street, I'm fairly "noisy" on social media, heck she even knows where the spare key is and maybe even kept a copy.
I do wonder what her reaction will be when I do indeed form a new relationship. Fortunately there is nothing threatening that she can do (famous last words?).
You are a fair bit farther out time-line wise than I am. And you had to have regular contact with him because of the kids. From your past posts he certainly was controlling - he would perhaps call it "taking responsibility". When mine left 2 1/2 years ago, that was essentially the last I saw her.
But as you write, we are in very many ways better off without them than we would have been if we had "won". And they're not (partial speculation on my part). They largely seem to have followed the script we read about here. Will they hit "rock bottom" and "change"? Doubtful in your case. Remotely possible in mine. But despite so very far they have "fallen" there is always more down they can travel.
I know you love your kids and are there for them as a sounding board for them to talk to you about anything. Is it perhaps time to ask them to no longer tell you about their father?
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I thought about it many time.. It is hard to keep calm but it is a safe place for them to vent (with me) as i know what they are saying and what they are dealing with just as all of you are to me. They share alot amoung eachother aswell.. i do not know everything. When they exchange as a group, you can hear their pain and anger toward the situation ( not ex-h but what ex-h does or say ). It always end with.. He is messed up. He is a mess. He is something else...
Son is the only one who fights with him. Again in their last fight, i was called an a**hole. Son replied: call me a**hole all you want but what i am saying is true. Ex-h said: all you said, i heard before from your mom.. Son replied: and your cousins, and your brothers and your ex's.. Mom has nothing to do with this.. This was a yelling match..
Who calls his son an a**hole?? Don' t tell me he does not get why son gets cold towatds him?? Nope... easier to blame me for brainwashing everyone he knows.... oh well.. i am much more powerful than i give myself credit for.. lol His whole story has no logic..
When i put all of it together.. the kids' s stories, V' s revealations, this crisis intervention leader guy from Match... It freaks me out!!! I hope their is not a message i am missing. Eventhen, there is nothing i can do.. Bon, enough of this.. lol Let' s watch a bit a tv..
Andrew, have you ever watched " Long lost family" ? They do their research with DNA.. ancestry.. I know you have experience a reunion with a family member. This show might be interesting for you. It will be on at 9pm on TLC..
Thanks exquisitetobe - I don't actually have cable. We dropped that years ago. I do miss being able to watch CNN and Disney although CNN had gone down-hill for a while I felt.
That and the fact that I was already in bed before 9:00pm - 'cuz I'm that exciting.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Lol... Don' t cut yourself short. Many of us are happy to hear from you , read you and appreciate you! And soon, i will join you in the excitement.. lol once the clock go back an hour, i am in bed by 8h30-9h00.
Tonight, D18 announced to me that ex-h might be diagnosed with the same type of cancer that his baby sister died of at the age of 30. He told the kids he might have a couple of years left.
It might be hard for some of you to beleive but my entire life flashed infront of me. My choices, my reactions, my present and uncertainty of the future.. i am grieving all over again. I am sad and scared..
I do believe it, immediately. Of course everything came zooming into perspective here and now. That's I think the gift that mortality gives us, when we confront it. We rarely confront it.
Just today my H said to me that his friend, my kids' godfather, had invited him to X-Mas. I was so disgusted that this man, rather than encouraging my H to go back to his family and see his own children, is funding his D and encouraging him NOT to be with us on X-Mas. And what I said to express this, as I do not express much to my H as far as commenting on his choices, was, "Hopefully (friend's name) will be the one to sit by your deathbed too." I am sure my H had no idea what I meant, and it was snarky of me, but it was that exact thing, that once you are facing that, everything really does become clear. I know that no matter what happens, it would be me and my kids sitting by my H's side and holding his hand.
But all that said, you do not know what will happen to your xH. He could have it or not, he could survive it with treatment too.
What do you feel? What are you scared of? Do you want to reach out to xH?
If you follow my thread at all, you know that I will say it is okay to love your enemy. However you are able to do that, even if it's from a place of no contact.
Sending you love.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
So sorry to hear this ((exquisitetobe)). I know that this is undoubtedly a blow to you.
While we both have undoubtedly had thoughts of bad things happening to our ex's we don't actually want them to happen.
Fortunately your kids are quite mature (most of the time) and they have you as their rock. I am sure you will be there for them. Their father though is in the hands of others.
(((exquisitetobe)))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am so sorry to hear this news, but there are new medications and procedures being created every day. It sounds like he's not sure if he has the same type of cancer if he used the word "might". Until the diagnosis has been confirmed, no one can be sure of what he has. If he has cancer, I pray that they have caught it early and can help him.
A this very moment, he is facing reality and coming to realize that each and every day is a gift. We are told throughout our life that Christmas is a magical time of the year and miracles do happen during this time. I would suggest praying for him and asking the man upstairs to help this man heal and reconnect w/his family and friends during this time. This holiday season is a time for reflection of the past and future. The present is the gift that we all need to use wisely each and every day.
For now, sit quietly and the answers will come. Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Gerda: i feel sad. I truely wished the man i fell in love with would resurface. The best friend i used to have. I could see a bit of his old self coming forward and i guess i secretly wished we could have been close again. My reactions caused a blokage. I was working on it. Unfortunately, we are running out of time. There is still alot of resentment and anger in my heart. My present is getting quieter as i was a chicken with her head cut-off for years.. with my 3 older children gone, i only have 1 left at home. My next struggle is stability and financial balance. I do not have benefit nor pension at work. I rely on ex-h for those things. Without him, all of it is gone. I thought about these things when we divorced but it all goes away once we leave this world. I am scared. My views: my choice of being a stay at home mom put a stall on my carreer. By becoming single mom, i chose a job with flexibility for my family over high wage. I was able to secure the children but not myself. Was i foolish? I beleive so. Without his support, i am struggleing big time. My children will have to step it up a notch and be less dependant on me. I will no longer be able to take the afternoon off just to take them do their arons. At least not as often as they are accustom to.
Andrew: i have said many awful things to ex-h. Many of which i have regrets. I am sure he feels the same. He was very narcissistic. His crazy ways were in his mind love language. The protector. I used to admire him and i had him on a pedastal. I felt safe by his side. I felt loved beyound what i could ever imagine. I beleived in him until bomb. Has time passed, i came to realise that this was not love. It was an addiction or an obsession but definitaly not love. I was destroyed. My self-confidence gone. My self trust, gone. My self-esteem and self worth, gone. I was angry. At him or myself? BOTH!! To this day, it takes me days to make up my mind on what to do next. I am afraid of my own judgement.
Job: i cried when i read your kind words!! ((( Job ))). They brought me so much comfort. Prayers!!!! God has never let me down. No matter what we had to face ( me and the children ), we were always fine. Many times in unexpected ways, ununderstandable ways, miraclelous ways!!
We will face this.. we will fight through this and we will be fine..
Thank you!!! Thank you!!! THANK YOU ALL!!!!! Xoxox
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
((exquisitetobe)) - Slow down a bit. There's a fair usage of the word "might" in all this. There is an chance that he's just panicking over something that will never happen.
It is good that this has prompted you to give some thought to your future. Suddenly having a safety net pulled away can be difficult to deal with.
You have your kids and family around you who will make sure you are fine. My own mother was in a similar situation and my brothers and I got her set up in a nice apartment and made sure things were taken care of. Even though we lost her at 64, she had a comfortable few years of retirement before that.
I am surprised that you are still on his benefits and insurance although I do carry a policy with my own ex as a beneficiary.
You may want to talk to your bank about sitting down with a financial planner to go over things. Yes, your retirement won't be as comfortable and secure as you might want - although perhaps a handsome, rich and kind man will bump his shopping cart in to your's - but you can't count on that any more than you can on the lottery.
No matter what though, I am sure that you will be fine. You are a smart woman who is careful with her finances and aware of her budget. You are still young and have time in front of you to plan your path in to retirement. You likely have a few years as well before anything to do with your ex-husband will be pulled as well.
{((exquisitetobe))}
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
All of the missed calls were actually him. I would say at least 20 since he claimed blocking me access to him. Last week, i answered. I wanted to know if i was right and yes, i was. He is concerned about the children and wanted me to know he would support me if i needed his help. ( so kind of him but when i do need him, he shouts me out with: i can' t . ) He dictated what he wanted me to do and ended the call with "i' ve been trying to reach you for awhile now"..
Eventho the call was calm, i could not help the anger build up in me. All i could say was one word answers: yes/ ok/yup/ bye..
Today, Son had a dentist appoint. here in town. I took the day off and want to pick him up. His gf came along. While son was getting his teeth clean, we went to town. His gf started telling me that ex-h was trying to reach her because son was not answering him. But here is the thing.. She has no access to ex-h eiter. He does not want her to have his number.. lol
I don' t get it.. he is blocking himself from the people he needs when he encounter a hurdle with his children.. He can acces us but we can' t access him . Lol
He offered me his support yet i can' t reach him.. lol CONTROL.. pure and simple..
Do i expect more calls? Yes because i opened the door when i answered.
For lunch, we went to Subway. An officer came in behind us. I noticed his badge.. working with ex-h. On our way out, son kept looking at the cruiser as i pulled out. He asked: " is this dad? It looked like him" I answered: "probably, but i ratter not know! If it was, he will text you to see why you are in town." S20: " yes, that' s right. Unless he didn' t see me" Me: "why would only one officer go in? " S20:" yea he?? Lol "
No news on the heath front.. D22 does not buy into his claim. She beleives he got himself in the hospital by drinking heavely and getting his diabetis out of the wack. ( her words made so much sense to me.. it was timed with the phone episodes/ another lost for him creating anxiety / anger/ acting out out of anger/ and realising consequances of his action/ depression.. full circle..
exquisitetobe, I've had that happen as well. I think the creepy ones like to remind you they are always out there somewhere. That's why the thought of an actual divorce brings me no peace. They can still mess with you if they really want to. As soon as my son graduates, I'm moving far away.
I have been doing alot of thinking about the interactions over the past 2 years. I might regret this but i am going to try and be more open to ex-h. I still will not accept abusive behavior but i will be a better listener when he wants to talk.
As i told him : keep doing the same thing and you' ll keep getting the same result. This goes for me aswell. I am going to approach this differently and hope it gets bearable to be around him. Maybe this is the " friendship" they claim to want?
Personally I don't know if engaging more with your ex-husband would be healthy for you. I know that it has been a source of stress and pain for you. And your kids are almost to the point where they can manage their own interactions with their father independent of you.
I think that the "friendship" that they want is to keep us in their orbit and for us to accept what they did to us. My own ex-wife had "still being friends" as one of her priorities.
Be careful please. We both know that he's never really let go of you.
((exquisitetobe))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
He does raise my blood pressure. I can' t help but feel like he' s setting me up when he is nice. One thing i know is his anger rise when we do not meet his demands. This was present throughout our relationship. He would get angry and we would all jump to please the unpleasable. Reading your words and writing this makes me realise that this is not a good idea. He can be extremely nice but he can also be very intimidating and scary.
Since he has not adress those issues, it is better for me to keep away..
Also, the timing of him popping his head seem to be timed with me wanting to make radical changes. Like selling the house, getting a new job ( my most recent) , socializing with people he does not know.
The kids keep him updated on my every move. ( most time wothout them realising it ). By talking about themselves. Me moving closer to them, me looking for a better paying job, me considering a new relationship etc..
I would respond to his texts and calls and be kind when he's around, but being a friend w/him won't work. He is still lurking and hasn't let you go completely and him knowing that you are moving on....well...he's not happy about that. I echo Andrew's concerns...be careful.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't know about this one. You will never know how much the way you treat him affects the way he treats you until you try something different. I think at the beginning that is really hard. But when you have both detached and moved on and a lot of the hurt has dissipated, it gets easier and easier. I know that since I have made fewer assumptions and have expected things to go more positively they have. I personally enjoy not feeling paranoid all the time about what he is up to and just accept things more at face value.
My toughts this morning were: if he wanted to physically harm me, he would have done so by now. Also, his out of the blue interactions for the past year or so have been few but always positive. My reaction to them has been garded. I have been cold to him. The children are telling me as litgle as possible so not to upset me. But because of the lack of communication on my part, he has no other way but get his info through the children.
I cannot fear him forever. I know how to protect myself. My boundaries are strongly in place and he knows i will take action if necessary. I showed him that i am strongly independant. He knows my weaknesses and he has not taken advantage of it. He also knows our children need me and he did thank me for all i do for them.
I did not give him a chance to get involved. I get the impression that this is what he wants lately. To be included in the parenting, to be involve more in their lives. Or it could be thst he is not getting as much info since D15 hardly communicates with him and the other 3 are gone.
I will procede with extreme caution. I will not contact. I will only work hard at the way i respond and react...
I think it's beautiful that you want to be a good listener. You can still enact boundaries when the listening threatens to be painful for you.
Being friends with your children's father will be better for them. I have many friends that I wouldn't trust with my deepest secrets or with all of my heart. I know what to say and what not to say around them, usually. And if I say too much, I can pull back after.
With my H, I find it very hard to be friends with someone who is continuing to hurt me so much, I am only able to do it with a lot of prayer, daily, hourly, and to become very humble. I would not say we are friends when I am friendly, but I feel very free (from the slavery of bitterness/anger) when I am able to be friendly or kind. Tonight I even made him a cup of tea. He usually says no but he said okay when I offered, probably because he was out of money to buy wine. I was happy that he wasn't drinking and my daughter really enjoyed drinking tea with us and talking about her crush. It was kind of normal and no one thought about divorce while we drank tea. It doesn't mean that I don't expect him to be cruel to me again or to call off the divorce. It's just a little island in the storm before we set out again.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Ironic.. Yesterday, i busted my power steering hose in this frigid minus 48 C. This morning, my mechanic fixed it. On my lunch, i noticed it still leaked...
Tomorrow, D15 has an Ortho appointment in ex-h' s town. Being car less, i asked D15 if she wanted to ask her dad if he could get her there and she asked me to re-schedule instead. My thought were: yes, we have been without his help for 10 years i doubt he would considere doing this now..
Fortunately, my mechanic came throuhh once again and i got my suv back.
I don' t even think ex-h thinks or realise what our lives are like unless he is put on the spot by Son in their arguements.
Well done on getting your hose and leaks fix w/o your xh helping out. Your daughter was very smart to request that her ortho appointment be rescheduled.
No, your xh doesn't have a clue as to what life has been for you and your children. He might very well be shocked at home well all of you are when it comes to getting things done w/o his help.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Perspective: Lately, i am going through a " why am i here? ", "what is my purpose? " I have one at work but at home?
This is my day to day routine: - 6 am: work - 8h15 am : leave work to drive D16 ( she had her bday on the 5th ) to school and rush back to work - 11h00 to 12h00 lunch - 3pm off work and go pick up D16 at school - 3h45 drive D16 to work - 6h45 meet 2 friends for coffee until 7h45. -8pm pick up D16 at work -8h30 drive D16 to boyfriend' s house 10pm pick up D16 ....
I know it is normal for D16 to want to be with friends. I was the same way at her age. What i do that my mother did not do is all the rides. I live in a very small community and there is not much to do here.
This routine is getting old. I stop myself from leaving this town because of my D16' s schooling. I am alone, lonely and not sure why i am staying here for someone i see 20 min./ day max.
I am looking for advise. Should i uproot her? Ss anyone here made the move and if so where your kid' s grade affected by it? Did it cause problem within the family?
I am late in reading sitch, and admit I don't know the whole story. But, IMO, if you can wait until D16 graduates from high school (assuming she is your youngest?), then I would do that. That's only years, and not a lot of time. Then you can go wherever you want, do whatever you want. It's a sacrifice to bee sure, but that's sometimes needed to give our kids the stability they need. Kids of all ages want to know how anything will affect THEM. If you did want to make a move, I would imagine you will have to have a concrete plan that your D can see the benefits for her. I think that might be a tough sell with a BF in the picture at the age of 16.
When I was 16, I got my driver’s license and drove myself. Does you D16 plan to do that soon? Small communities are tough ETB. Have you exhausted GAL ideas? Clubs? Meet Ups? Volunteering?
I have a daughter who is 16 (grade 11). I too live in a small town, with little to do with in it. My work is a one hour commute away.
Your questions of why am I here, what is my purpose, should I uproot my daughter.
To the last one, I would say no. I assume your daughter is not wishing to move or made no suggestion to such. That very small community is her home and her school. It is only 2 years until she is 18 and graduated.
I had talks with my daughter and sons about moving and staying. The two youngest were still in school at the time of BD and wished to finish schooling here. And of course this is their home.
They will grow and move away from this little village, their home, and me, setting out on their own grand adventure of life. I believe you and I are close enough to that time, to let our kids continue living as they know until they feel the urge to move. You have freedom of choice, you may just need to wait for a bit longer to exercise it.
To the other questions. Yes work does give one a purpose. Life away from work seems less and does require something, that purpose you are mentioning. Why am I here, I will take as literal, why in this small town as opposed to why am I here (life and big picture stuff). Where one lives or chooses to live doesn’t create or extinguish purpose, that comes from inside. I know you know that.
My daughter got her driver license, and now has a car. I will now see her less than before. This is a difficult and noble purpose, to raise and show our children how to be, to let them be, and still be there for them - even for only 20 minutes a day.
For what it is worth, my kids are becoming less of my life’s purpose, as it should be. I am starting to look to other enjoyments and activities for life’s fulfilment. And I thought finding detachment and indifference was hard.
I think the questions you are considering are normal and need not a definite answer. These questions are more just a response to a life with young adult children. Well actually it is the response to the change of answers. 10 years ago my answers were much different than today’s. In five years from now, I suspect my answer will be different again. My answers are different when considering S21 and S20 vs S18 and D16. I have an idea what it will be like when it is D20, s22, s24, and S25 - my outlook sure looks different.
I suggest to hang in for a bit longer, things are going to change.
DnJ
Last edited by DnJ; 02/15/1904:58 AM.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I agree w/the posters. Your daughter has two years of high school left. Once she has her license and can start driving some, you will see far less of her as she tests her wings for flying from the nest in a couple of years. Until then, hang in there. I know it's frustrating to feel like all you do is go to a job, come home and do the normal things each and every night.
The question I have for you is this...what would you look for in a move to another area? What are your interests now and how would they possibly change if a move took place?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I totally get your routine and your anxiety about staying it out I felt like Ive just lived it as I read your words
MY S is in 12 th grade just starting driving with his own car about 6 months ago
I suddenly have all the freedom Ive been wanting If she can get her license that may help you
He was in band with severe allergies so from 9th grade to 11th grade
I drove him to school went to work drove back to school to bring food sometimes drove him home then back for band and pick up again at 10pm exhausted just thinking about it
We also live in a remote part of a big city, all the way out from all the activities its safer here schools are top rated here
I would agree if you can use this time for inner growth meditation spiritual activities church ect yoga groups new connections or more inner connection gym fake it till you make it
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
exquisitetobe - This is something that you've talked about off and on for some time now.
If I remember correctly you've had an opportunity offered for a promotion at work that would require you to relocate that you've turned down.
From my outside view there are a number of pros and cons about living where you do. Let's see how I do on the list:
cons - your ex is still very much in the picture as he is in the same geography and you encounter him far more than you would like and that causes you a lot of stress - you feel a bit trapped and isolated in your ability to form new relationships
pros - you are reasonably close to your kids - your daughter has an uninterrupted life - you love living in that part of the world surrounded by nature - you are in an area where your language and culture is common - you are in a (somewhat) reasonable distance to your parents and extended family
I do know that your kids have encouraged you to date and even suggested looking at options that are several hours away from where you are right now.
You are in a tough spot. You are a Mom. That is a lot of your identity. You feel that you have a responsibility to your children to support them and give them the best possible environment.
I can't advise you on the impact of moving on your D16. I really don't know. Have you talked to her about it? I know that your kids are as supportive of you as you are of them. I can certainly expect that if you uprooted her and moved to a Greek island to sell tacos that her grades would undoubtedly suffer. As would her relationships with her friends and especially boyfriend.
I do think that it's very healthy that you are thinking this through - but you are a very thoughtful woman ((exquisitetobe))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I agree. If you can wait until she graduates, that would probably be best.
I understand your feelings though. I'm in a big town (Phoenix) and all my kids are grown. but still have those same questions.
Take care.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Thank you so much everyone! Your input is greatly appreciate!!
Grace: yes, D16 is my youngest and the only one left in the nest. I often go back to " when i was their age, how was i, who was i, how was my chain of thoughts? " you nailed it with " how would it affect her, what is in it for her? " This is on her mind and most importantly, should be in mine. As a mom, her needs are way more important than a move on my part. It is only a couple of years away and summer will eventually come wich will allow more road trips. maybe i have a case of winter blues.
DejaVu: yes, D16 is planning to get her license after the winter. Galling is limited here. No clubs. A couple of restaurant with LCBO license wich close at 8pm. Lol Volunteering as crossed my mind. For the Red cross and the woman shelter ( in a small community next to here ). I will stay put for now. In a couple of weeks, D18 will be coming home for her reading week. April, S20 will graduate from College and will be relocating. D18 will be back for the summer and going back for year 2 of College. It is too soon for me think living this place.
DNJ: A couple of years ago, this daughter was on board to leave. The other one was not. ( this is the promotion Andrew mentioned that i turned down.) This year, The 3 children who have left want me to move but D16 is no longer for it. Lol The funny thing is 2 yrs ago, i had said exactly this. "Watch, when Faith we' ll be done high school, Sarah will be the one with a bf and won' t want to go anymore" . The "why am i here" should not be taken as a depressive state. I meant " why am i in this town? My life has been on hold for a long time. AJM ( old poster of DB and very good friend ) once told me: "no matter where you are, if you do not enrich your life, your life won' t be fulfilled and you will not be happy. No matter where you are! ". This is true. I agree with all you said. Thank you so much! i will stay put.
Sweet Job : my life would be exactly what it is now if i was elsewhere. Lol my daughters life on the other hand would be hard for her. I would go to a different job. I would still drive her around to school, work, new friends etc. My responsabilities would be moving with us in a new home and town. I agree with everyone. It is not the time.
Peacetoday: i appreciate you sharing your situation. I don' t know how many times i heard people say: " you need to think about yourself. Your kids will leave and then what? What will happen to you?" I get upset when i hear it. I find it so selfish. I know what they mean but i also know what all of you are saying.. yes my kids will leave but they are not gone yet. They still need their mom and their home ( safety, comfort, HOME). All i need is a past time, hobby, something for me; not a move.
Andrew: cons: 4++ Pros: 4 Lol.. great score!
My daughters are trying to get me closer to them. They have a guy picked out in North Bay and are trying desperately to introduce us.. lol timming is always wrong. Maybe it is a sign? ( not that he is wrong for me but the time is wrong ) I did talk to her about it and she wants to stay here.she likes it here. She has many fears about leaving. And totally understand that.
Lol. I would not move to sell tacos on the island, i would fear meeting Doodler.. lol Thank you Andrew!! i wish you the best of luck with your oncoming date!
Hey Tad!!!!! So nice to have you here! I agree! They should not have to stress over this. It is only a couple of years away and is definitely the best way to go. I' ll stay put a bit longer! Thank you!!!
Ex-h has been making D16 feel bad everyday for a week now. For her birthday ( which he missed by 3 days ), he got her a winter jacket on-line. He took her out for supper and gave it to her. It was too small. All week, he wanted to bring her the exchanged jacket but D16 was working 3 evening shift and the 2 evening she was off were not good for him. Frustrated from this, he started telling her he should not keep her phone going since she never text him. An hour ago, he shows up with OW to pick up D16 for the evening and D16 did not want to go. She made him wait outside for 10 min. She told me at least 3 times: " i don' t even want to go! And his jacket? Winter is over!! ".
I could feel my anger raging inside. Why do they put up with this? Why don' t they tell him? Are they still unable to say no to him? Why are they the one feeling like crap because of his narcissism and hurtful comments?
Will the day ever comes when they will say ENOUGH!! My day came! I did it! They saw me do it! They did not want him to come back and live with us but they accept this treatment?
I get soooooooo angry! The wheel: D16 felt bad. She felt like she should go with him eventho she did not want to. He will spend heavy cash on her. She will feel like she must be good and text him more often until he starts ignoring her texts. She will pull away and he will make her feel bad all over. If he feels she is angry, he will use emotional blackmail to get her sympathie. I can not see how healthy having a relationship with their father is.
Not in a million year would i have thought this would be my life. No matter how hard i try to cut myself from him, he is contantly thrown in my face
Ex-h calls this love. I call it obsession/ addiction. Love is time, love his kind, love is respect, love is devotion, love is bringing the best out of others, love his emotional support, love is honesty, love his priority.
Ex-h' s relationship with us reminds me of an addict parent who will claim loving their child but won' t get the help they need to be a parent and will often use their children as the reason they are the way they are.. just like I AM THE REASON EX-H IS WHO HE IS!! Powerful me!! Arrrgggg...
Exquisitetobe - I wish that I had a "make it all better wand" to loan you.
Your anger is honest, legitimate and justified.
I think that in some ways as a former spouse that it is easier for us to cast them loose than it is for our children. Dad (Or Mom in my case) is a selfish entitled jerk. But we also taught them that Family is important.
I have no specific advice. Just a big hug. ((((Exquisitetobe))))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I understand your anger. It's not easy to sit back and watch your children being hurt over and over again by a spouse/former spouse. Your h is a very selfish man who wants the world to think he's the greatest thing since swiss cheese, but the bottom line is that he doesn't care about anyone but himself and his image.
He used the jacket as an excuse to get his daughter to go out w/him and the ow. Shame on him. If he truly cared about her, he would have made every effort to get her a gift and delivered it to her on her birthday, not several days late and then it was too small. Since he really didn't know his daughter's size, he should have asked her or you...or better yet, given her the money and allowed her to purchase what she wanted.
Your daughter is still young, but she will get fed up at some point and tell him what she thinks of him and his behavior. He's burning that bridge between him and your daughter very quickly...but right now, he is manipulating her by threatening to cut off her phone. Maybe it's time to think about getting her a phone of her own and not on her dad's plan. That would cut out the manipulation and threats of cutting her phone off.
Your h is playing the dance of distant and pursuit w/your daughter. Until she stops taking his bait, she will be in this game for a long time.
I wish that I had more to offer, but she will have to decide when she's had enough and I think that will happen in the next year or so.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As job has said the manipulation by her Dad is obvious. job’s suggestion of getting her cell phone off his plan is a good one and removes one of those buttons he can push.
My own four kids all experienced their Mom’s threats and manipulations, and I the fear and anger that went along with that. The manner in which she blew up her’s, mine, and our kids’ lives was a tad extreme, however it left very little for her to use against us.
I’ve had many conversations with my kids ensuring them it is alright to feel all of what they feel, even the numbness of indifference. I know how hard it is to walk with four others emotion journeys when your own is all mixed up.
A few thing the five of us have found:
She is still your Mom. It is ok to love her. She threw us away. She is behaving irrationally and making poor desparate choices. She is a terrible role model. She offers no help. She has caused a lot of pain and grief. It is ok to not love her. It is ok to hate her, to be angry, to be sad. It is ok to feel sorry for her. It is ok to be kind and compassionate. It is ok to forgive her. She is still your Mom. It is ok to realize you actually do love her. And it is ok to not like her or her choices. It is ok to let go and live peacefully. She is still your Mom. It is ok.
- - - -
I know you have been at this much longer than I. At BD your children were younger than mine, and that makes this a lot harder in my opinion. The feelings of anger, hurt, rage, and such, are completely justified and real.
Focusing on just the question and plead of why can’t I get rid of this anger. The advice I would offer, is that which has been so very benifical to me. Feelings are fleeting. Let them flit.
Feelings and emotions are born within our irrational side. We control ourselves, our actions and responses. Emotions and feelings do not fall under this “control”. We control logic and reason. The intellectual side. The actions and responses.
Feelings will happen, will be triggered, or born for a variety of causes. The love, happiness, anger, lust, despair, joy, sad, etc... all irrational. How we respond or act on these feelings is what we control.
The triggering of an angry response to one’s spouse’s actions can be looked at and reasoned out. This detaches the spouse’s action from your feeling. At first it just allows one to quell those angry feelings and thoughts. Continued efforts and time will disassociate the two. It is then, that one can find the intellectual understanding and emotional acceptance of why one is angry. When one has both of these, anger is abated.
We control our intellect. We accept our emotions.
Control of Intellect provides reason and logic. Reason and logic provide understanding. Accepting of emotions leads to kindness and compassion. Kindness and compassion leads to empathy.
With understanding and empathy one can find forgiveness and peace.
E, I wonder what does your destination look like? What are you heading for? Forgiveness?
I am sure you do not want this reaction to exH and the winter coat to be how it is, how things are to be. Just as much as I am sure I am over simplifying this for illustration. When behaviours are not getting the desired results - try something else. Make a change with what is within your control.
You know what you can control regarding your anger. You also know you cannot control D16; I can’t control mine either. She controls herself.
You could have conversations with her, and yourself (not as crazy as that sounds btw), about moving forward towards achieving your destination and goals. Something that is well within both of your controls.
Peace and forgiveness is very much worth the effort and struggle to learn; and is not contingent on the actions of someone else. That is a lesson I am very proud and happy to have learned.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
D16 was dropped off at her bf's within 2 hours of being picked up. The jacket fit but is exactly like the one D18 has.
You can' t make this stuff up. Anyway, Ex-h now feels like he is the father of the year and will leave her alone for awhile.
As for me, venting here is my medecine. I let it all out, i get alot of help and great support.
Andrew, i did raise my children with a " family first " rule. I role modeled that rule. At bomb, i blew up! Lol My rule became : Kids first. I am all they have and i must make sure we stay a tight family unit. Ex-h was no longer part of my unit but was part of theirs ( on his own timing ).
Maybe, they know how he works. They know to expect sh!tty treatment from time to time. If it ever goes too far, will they distance themselves like i did?
Job: Ex-h has excuses for everything. He is a master in manipulating and intimidating others. That is why he make a great cop.( very dirty at times ). I often wonder if the older kids realise how he manipulated them in the past? Better yet, do they know they were and still are?
They witnessed a few arguements. They have made the connection of ex-h calling me after talking with them. They became aware of his questioning tactic. As for the recording device on the phone line, the tracking device on my car, my journal and my lawyer and subject of my counscelling sessions were kept from them. I encouraged them to look at him with compassion. Even through the mess, it felt like the right thing to do. Today, humm?? I am not so sure. Maybe because ex-h is stuck? He still beleive is family is now OW, our kids and me as the nanny for the kids. ( that is how i am treated ).
I don' t think they will cut him off. I wish they would but they won' t. Ex-h might, eventually. He is words on a phone with a visit once a month or so.
On a better note, i was able to get him off my hydro and satellite. What a releif and a lesson for me. Everytime i think i am free of him, i get a surprise. I have received mail for ex-h twice last week. Correspondence from his Union adressed to him. He got one of them when he came to pick up D16. I got the other one a couple of days later and forgot to give it to D16 yesterday. I have made the decision of no longer caring for his mail. After 10 years, don' t you think he should have changed his address? He got the first letter, it is up to him to contact them and make the change. How can we tell who was the responsable one. ( rolling my eyes... but feeling good about myself )
Dnj, i get your words. I have tried. I care and i don' t. When someone you love is mistreated, it is instinct to try and protect them. If it was up to me TODAY, i would cut ex-h off of everyone. It is so hard to stay out of it and do nothing but listen. I repeat to myself constantly that i did not break their relationship and it is not my place to fix it. It is between them and their father. Another thing i need to remind myself is : " not all of ex-h' s visits are negatives". I hear of the negative ones because they need to vent and let it out; just like me.
I look back at bomb. I recall my words: - " ex-h is having a mid-life crisis. He is stressed out, over-worked and over-whelmed. Nothing is enough and everything is too much." " He wants to go but won' t let me go." " does this make sense to you?" " If you talk to him, he will have a totally different story. I do not know what is happening nor why. " ( those were my words to a cop friend of ours who was asking about our separation. He is also the one who watched over us in the storm without ex-h' s knowledge.)
Forgivenes is a tuff one for me in this situation. I link forgiveness with a changed attitude which will produce empathy. For example: an alcoholic who QUIT drinking. An addict who gets treatment. A goal of positive outcomes.
I can' t feel sorry for ex-h anymore. Over 10 years of this. I am done crying. I am done trying to fix everything. I am done. Unless i see consistancy in him, words and actions, i am off radar. I no longer see this day to ever come.
Outside of this drama, life is good. Life is fun. Life is getting better as the weather warms up! Moods are up and smiles are back in town! Canada, do not forget to move your clocks ahead 1 hour tonight. I' m doing it right now! Good night everybody!
Last edited by job; 03/10/1902:06 PM. Reason: edited a word and inserted spacing between paragraphs
Haha - after ten years apart and living in a house that I bought two years after the divorce, I still get occasional junk mail for my ex, who never lived in this house. This week I got junk mail for his NEW WIFE lol!
I absolutely understand the need to vent, and that your post was mostly venting and not reflective of the state of affairs of the vast majority of your life. Yes, outside this drama, life is good.
I do have a thought regarding your reply.
Originally Posted by exquisitetobe
It is so hard to stay out of it and do nothing but listen. I repeat to myself constantly that i did not break their relationship and it is not my place to fix it. It is between them and their father.
I agree you did not break their relationship and it is not you place to fix it.
Why do you believe you must stay out of it and do nothing but listen?
I know your children will vent to you (like mine), which is great. I do not believe we should just doing nothing, during venting or otherwise.
Using myself and my D16 for example. I do not attempt (anymore ) to repair the burnt bridge between W and her daughter. I do help D16 deal with her feelings and teach her tools to use in these difficult situations. If D16 decides to use them with Mom that is her choice, if she slams the door on her Mom, still her choice - she controls her actions.
If D16 was having trouble with a friend, or teacher, or bus driver, or a server at McDonalds today - one time thing - just listen to the venting and validate. A continual problem with same person, situation, or same problem or concern over many different persons or situations - her and I dig deeper and see what solution(s) she is willing to try. She can only control and change herself.
Now dealing with her Mom, yes that is a problem. Mom’s current stirrings before scurrying back into her tunnel was regarding delivery of payment of income tax holdback for inheritance of the estate of W’s Grandpa, kids GreatGrandpa.
D16 knows her Mom, well this “new” Mom. W behaves like an adolescent, usually 18 years old, reverting to 14 when she get agitated. Well W had these checks and I guess things didn’t go as she expected regarding all her kids to drop everything and show up for a visit. Manipulation and extortion - that just doesn’t fly around here. D16 can see through that BS, and she is busy. So three days later a frustrated W shows up a school during the day and finds D16 to give her the cheque and stomps off in a huff.
Oh well. Can only control you. D16 sees her Mom’s struggles and how gone and different she is. They all do, and they all know the slim odds of her “returning” to herself.
Just to further my example a bit using this same problem of inheritance. Currently W is the trustee of all four kids’ inheritance of $34000 each. As stated in the wishes for Grandpa, it can be released early for education purposes or really anything else the trustee agrees to. Last year S19 asked for some of his money to attend university. She said no. Purely a power struggle and she is attempting to extort visiting. W’s angry reason, well this way they will have to atleast visit me until they are 23. Of course no they don’t have to visit her at all, and they still would get their money when 23.
Anyhow, talking with the kids we looked at what we and they can do. Take her to court, ignore it, ask again and again and again, and so on. My advice for S19 was to not ask her anymore, it is just pressure and she has enough problems already. Besides do we really expect a different result if you run at that wall again.
So he controls his actions, still visits her once in a while and lets sleeping dogs lay. The bank of Dad covers the children with loans and the promised repayment from future funds. This does lead to a risk of her dipping into said funds, which is pretty low on our collective radar. And this first income tax remittance from the trust accounts is completely W’s responsibility and no one “here” is getting involved with that. Perhaps four trust accounts and the government (karmic) slap for not producing paperwork and income tax submission will prompt her to change something that is within her control. We’ll see, not expecting much.
Everyone can use some guidance when dealing with problems, especially an MLC problem. The very irrational nature of everything within its sphere needs to be looked at in a different manner. That is where I get involved and the side I now keep myself.
I think you are doing wonderfully E. Maybe this helps, maybe not. It is just conversation between friends.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Today, while going to gaz up, i saw a big wave hi. I waved back and realised it was ex-h. My anxiety rised.
D16 was working and did not know ex-h was coming to town nor did he visit her at work.
Vanilla, this question is for you. Just those insignificant encounters get my anxirty to the roof. Knots in the middle of my chest. Why? Can cognitive behavior therapy stop this? Will it keep coming back everytime ex-h make a unexpected appearance?
Good morning exquisitetobe - I don't think that Vanilla comes by here too often these days and I don't know anything about cognitive behaviour therapy.
What I do know is that over time, as I've gotten distance from my own ex, that the stress knots that I get are lessoned. You and I went through very different experiences though with your's being much more traumatic.
For me, I think it's part of the letting go that we need to do to become healthier. It's undoubtedly harder for you because he keeps inserting himself in your life either directly or through the kids.
From the outside, you seem to do better when you are angry at him, or when you are finding Joy elsewhere. A friend of mine is divorced about 10 years also from an abusive husband. One of her boys is getting married soon and she like you is a normally strong and outgoing woman. One who has built a new successful life. But when we were talking she was really bothered by even the thought of having to interact with her ex. I know that you've managed that with the help of friends and family.
For me, I'm dreading the inevitable few encounters I'll have with my ex but have managed to avoid thus far for years now. Seeing her across the street on the rare times she sees S24 still gives me a twinge. A mix of anger, sadness and jealousy.
I wish that there were easy answers. Lean on your friends and family. We'll help hold you up. Hopefully someone who knows more about trauma and recovering from it can have something more concrete. (((exquisitetobe)))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
