I just arrived in Chicago after two straight days of 8 hours driving, first from NYC to Pittsburgh and then on to Chicago today in some torrential rain storms.
The end of my trip to New York was a highlight as I met with my former students/runners for the first time in 11 years. 6 of them came out to a brewery in Brooklyn and it was an amazing experience. We all realized that they are now older than I was when I was coaching them (they are 29 and 30). It was just such a joyous experience to reconnect with them. It was easily the happiest I have been over the past 10 weeks. Its not that I forgot about my situation, in fact I talked about it with them, but it was just so good to see them, and to feel surrounded by so much love. I am trying to actually practice gratitude on a daily basis, and I was/am so immensely grateful to them for putting together that experience and sharing some desperately needed love with me. I held it together for the vast majority of the night until the very end when I was saying goodbyes and couldnt help but cry. I continued to weep as I rode my bike home along the deserted streets of Brooklyn, but it was not from sadness so much as gratitude and happiness. For me it was an unbelievably powerful experience given my emotional state.
My drives have been relatively uneventful as I have kept busy by listening to books on tape, podcasts, and music. Last night I spent the night with a college friend who I hadnt seen in 15 years and her husband and two kids. It was a bit awkward because we have not been that close, but it was still nice to reconnect and be surrounded by a family (and two dogs! I need dog therapy!)
On the final part of the drive into Chicago, as I sped through torrential rain in Indiana I finally had a meltdown. This time, I tried to follow your advice and lean into it. I actually put on a song that W and I both adored and sang along to it as I sobbed. I tried to let the sadness and anguish and loneliness and resentment and longing wash over me, to run its course. I dont know if I feel better now, but I feel like I exhausted those emotions for the time being.
On the way into Pittsburgh I stopped at a supermarket to pick up some things and my credit card inexplicably got denied. That prompted the first communication I have heard from W since I left, as she forwarded on an alert from the bank asking if it was a fraudulent attempt to use the card. There was no message from her, just the bank message. That definitely stung a bit.
I have been slacking a bit with my journaling and CBT work over the past two days, as it has been hard with all the travel and meeting so many people. I thought that I was making progress in my detachment, but the sting that Ws text engendered, and the anguish I felt in the car today seem to indicate that I have a ways to go. I really want to try to enjoy Chicago on its own terms and not dwell on my situation, but it is hard, especially on my own. I have never enjoyed travelling on my own all that much (though I have done much of it) and it nearly always reminds me of how much I enjoyed traveling with W. Nearly all of the flashbacks I have are moments of us traveling somewhere. I constantly need to remind myself to be mindful and live in the here and now and not in the past. I have not done as much yoga as I would have liked recently so that probably hurts as well.
After speaking with my brother-in-law, I am taking some natural medicine both for my stomach and my anxiety - a mixture of bitters with CBD, which is one of the ingredients in marijuana that promotes calm without the mind-altering changes of THC. I cant really tell yet if it is effective. Sitting in the car all day and munching on trail mix has not been good for my stomach for sure!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Hey folks. Greetings from Minnesota. I spent a couple of fun days in Chicago before moving up to Madison and then Minneapolis. The driving has been okay as I have been able to fill it up with audiobooks, podcasts, and spotify music. Of course I have a couple of back to back 8 hour drives over the flatlands of North Dakota and Montana looming, so we will see how they go.
In Madison I stayed with an acquaintance, but it was a high anxiety day for me, possibly because of the half a gummy I took the night before, possibly because I seemingly had a bad reaction to some food and my stomach wasnt right all day.
Minnesota has been great. I bouldered in Minneapolis and went for a bike ride along the banks of the Mississippi and then through downtown. Then I drove up to another town an hour a way where some good friends of the W and I are currently living. It has been really great to spend time with them.
I do need advice though. Today I finally got my first communication from the W since I left town over two weeks ago. She sent me a longish email. The first paragraph was about how she has thought of writing me messages nearly every day but doesnt want to disturb me. How she doesnt want me to think that she is erasing me from her life or that she doesnt love me. She does love me. She ends it by saying that I have been the most important person in her life for 8 years and she has loved me with her whole heart.
The rest was about how she is trying to live without a car, but that she has a place to live set up, and about how the dog has been escaping from the backyard recently (a problem if I am going to be living alone with the dog).
It is hard for me to reconcile her words with her actions. Throughout the whole process she has been affectionate, and almost loving towards me but resolute in her intention to move out and separate. She has consistently told me that she loves me (even if she isnt in love with me) and cares very much about me. When she sees me in person she hugs me and is affectionate. I also struggle with my reaction. I have been feeling more and more detached on the trip, although I still struggle at times. This email got to me though. I couldnt just shrug it off, and trying to do so wouldnt honor the emotions that I am feeling. It fills me with longing and sadness.
In terms of a response I am going to wait til tomorrow, but I do want to respond. My question is how to modulate the response. I want to validate her feelings, I want to be friendly. I want to show her that I am doing well and enjoying myself. Can I include anything about my trip? I would love to show her a picture of me and our common friends that we took last night. Is that too pursuitish? Basically, Id like to show her that I am good but that I would like to keep the lines of communication open, but without pressure. I feel like not responding or being overly brief in the email would send the wrong kind of message. Wise heads, any thoughts?
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Don't worry too much about what kind of message you convey. Try to figure out what response she really deserves. She says she cares about you (I won't use her word "love" because it is open to a wide range of interpretations). She clearly is trying to be nice with you. You say you want to validate her feelings and be friendly. Then do just that. Don't do it because of how she might interpret that, but because it is the nice thing to do. Tell her you are grateful for her feelings (do not reciprocate though), tell her she does not disturb you, tell her she must be in a difficult situation with the car etc.
That way you allow her to keep the communication open, if she wants. You do not have to keep it open. Let her contact you.
In your post it is not clear whether she is asking about your trip. If she has, tell her it is great (no detail), but be brief about it. No pics. If she hasn't asked, don't tell her anything.
Her first question was about my trip and how she hopes I am enjoying it. She also sent me a picture of our dog. I know she would like to see a pic with our friends. She was stalking my instaura but I think it would be nice to show her a happy pic.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I would just say take it very slow let her lead and you respond/validate. I wouldnt say too much outside of what she brings up and I wouldnt send her pics but would tell her there are some on instagram if she wants to see pics of so and so (you know she has already looked but she doesn t know you know).
Last edited by Cadet; 06/27/1812:10 AM. Reason: restored post
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
It was only after reading over the message again that I noticed she used her pet name for me. More affection...
In terms of validation is it OK to thank her for the kind thoughts and tel her how nice I thought they were? I want to express happiness that she found a place and doesn't have to worry about that, and understanding for the difficulty of the car situation. I also want to ask about the dog bc that is an actual practical matter that affects me. For my trip I just want to say that it has been a unique experience and I have learned a lot, met and reunited with cool people. I do also really want to include the foto of me and our friends. It feels appropriate and is such a happy moment and it is in response to the pic she sent me of the dog.
I am so tempted to use my pet name for her in response but I think that might be pursuitish.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Seems like you are doing great Davide. I think it would be good to thank her for her kind thoughts b/c if a cashier were to have kind thoughts you would thank them. This also brings a mood of positiveness. As for validation- continue-you are doing great. The foto I think is a good idea because it should bring up good feelings. But the pet name. Not a good idea that name was reserved for her H. right now she does not see you as such.Just a note from what I learned here. When communicating use BIFF. Brief-Informative-Firm- Friendly. Cheers!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
