Advice Needed To Deal With WW - Part 2

[Bewas]

The last few days I've been thinking that the only way I'll be able to let her go fully is to find somebody else...I've just felt so lonely and that is when the thoughts start to creep in. I also feel on the other hand that it is way too early to be jumping to someone else. I'm very confused right now as the situation just feels so hopeless right now with her. I've seen a potential wearing down of her but then the next day I'm blocked on FB. I have no idea what to think anymore. My mind is like a yo-yo at times, jumping from a scr#w you W mode to a wanting her back and forgiveness mode. I've been avoiding the idea till now but is it a bad idea to go on even just some friendly dates?

Just throwing this one out there again...

[TBSakaJ9]

My personal advice would be to not do it. IMO you need fully heal and learn to be on your own and be happy on your own before you entertain being with someone else.

I would recommend that you don't short change the process and heal through another person. This should be one of the most motivating and rewarding times of your life, an opportunity to come out on the other side stronger than ever and I would hate for you to not do the work and take full advantage of this opportunity.

With that said if you chose to do it then I would recommend that you be completely honest with the person and let them know what you can offer. Also, if you chose to do it please don't short change the process.

I did not start to date until a year after my W moved out and our D was finalized for about 2 months. For me I drew strength from waiting.

[LoneWlf]

Bewas- I feel you should not add another person to you life when you head space and and heart space are under turmoil. That being said - consider your self as a plant and one of your branches has been pruned. First thing that must take place is the healing of the severed area. Once the severed area is covered and healed then the plant continues to function. After a certain period of time when all healing is finalized then you will see a small bud forming in the same spot or some where close fostering growth of a new branch. B- just like the plant we are severed ( Broken relationship). just like the plant we need to heal and become functional and healthy. Once this is completed we are ready for new growth. Hope this helps. Stay well!

[OrangeK]

Bewas - I was really overcome with the desire to get out and meet someone else, it was all i was thinking of for a solid few weeks.
Then i got on the dating Apps.
It was just another distraction, and most women i talked to would turn tail because i insisted on being transparent about my Sitch.
I did meet a few and went on a few dates, at first all i could do was compare them to WIFE.
Then I had a few decent dates, and eventually hooked up with a fellow Mid-Divorcee.
We still talk here and there, but we hang out twice after hooking up.
It just wasn't the right time.
Once the excitement wore off (quickly), i think we both realized we have little in common and are both better off just doing our own thing.

I have since resolved to leave it all be.
I deleted my dating apps, and i am resolved to meet the next woman in my life organically and by chance.

They say "when you arent looking for love is when love finds you"
This is actually how i would delightfully explain my meeting WIFE, but that was before i knew she stalked and targeted me and chose to engage with me, when i thought it was just "Serendipity" we met.
I havent given up hope on TRUE LOVE finding me when I am ready, and not expecting it.
I dont think what WIFE did will happen to me again, lightning rarely strikes the same place twice.
However I am much better educated and aware of the red flags to look for should it happen again.

Moral of the story,
Dont find someone new to GET OVER your EX.
Someone will find you when you have gotten over your EX and your value is displayed.
I dont know how they do it, but women can smell a broken heart like a bomb dog.

[Bewas]

My personal advice would be to not do it. IMO you need fully heal and learn to be on your own and be happy on your own before you entertain being with someone else.

I would recommend that you don't short change the process and heal through another person. This should be one of the most motivating and rewarding times of your life, an opportunity to come out on the other side stronger than ever and I would hate for you to not do the work and take full advantage of this opportunity.

With that said if you chose to do it then I would recommend that you be completely honest with the person and let them know what you can offer. Also, if you chose to do it please don't short change the process.

I did not start to date until a year after my W moved out and our D was finalized for about 2 months. For me I drew strength from waiting.

This is good advice. There is a large part of me that is screaming at me to not do anything right now because it's too soon. It's the smaller, more unreasonable lonely part of me that is screaming the opposite. You make a great point in saying not to "heal through another person", I think that is a great way of putting it. I am feeling better at being alone, it's more the being "happy" alone right now that's the problem.

I think for now, I'm not going to do anything and let the process play itself out for awhile before attempting to date. I guess it's only been a little over a month and a half...anything can happen yet. The damage a WW can do in that short a period is staggering though.

I'm not sure I'd be able to wait a whole year to date tbh. I'll probably re-evaluate my sitch month to month and go from there. How the next few months play out is anyone's guess.

[Bewas]

Bewas- I feel you should not add another person to you life when you head space and and heart space are under turmoil. That being said - consider your self as a plant and one of your branches has been pruned. First thing that must take place is the healing of the severed area. Once the severed area is covered and healed then the plant continues to function. After a certain period of time when all healing is finalized then you will see a small bud forming in the same spot or some where close fostering growth of a new branch. B- just like the plant we are severed ( Broken relationship). just like the plant we need to heal and become functional and healthy. Once this is completed we are ready for new growth. Hope this helps. Stay well!

LoneWlf, this is an amazing way of putting it. thank you!

[Bewas]

Bewas - I was really overcome with the desire to get out and meet someone else, it was all i was thinking of for a solid few weeks.
Then i got on the dating Apps.
It was just another distraction, and most women i talked to would turn tail because i insisted on being transparent about my Sitch.
I did meet a few and went on a few dates, at first all i could do was compare them to WIFE.
Then I had a few decent dates, and eventually hooked up with a fellow Mid-Divorcee.
We still talk here and there, but we hang out twice after hooking up.
It just wasn't the right time.
Once the excitement wore off (quickly), i think we both realized we have little in common and are both better off just doing our own thing.

I have since resolved to leave it all be.
I deleted my dating apps, and i am resolved to meet the next woman in my life organically and by chance.

They say "when you arent looking for love is when love finds you"
This is actually how i would delightfully explain my meeting WIFE, but that was before i knew she stalked and targeted me and chose to engage with me, when i thought it was just "Serendipity" we met.
I havent given up hope on TRUE LOVE finding me when I am ready, and not expecting it.
I dont think what WIFE did will happen to me again, lightning rarely strikes the same place twice.
However I am much better educated and aware of the red flags to look for should it happen again.

Moral of the story,
Dont find someone new to GET OVER your EX.
Someone will find you when you have gotten over your EX and your value is displayed.
I dont know how they do it, but women can smell a broken heart like a bomb dog.

This is very very good information OrangeK.

I don't think I'll be opposed to dating apps when the time is right, I think it's just not now. I think I'm seeing from all of the responses so far that it is way too soon for me to be delving into this. I think it's important I asked the question though as it was something that had been bothering me lately especially.

I do love the line of "Someone will find you when you have gotten over your EX and your value is displayed". Hopefully this will be sooner rather than later for me. lol

Thanks!

[ovrrnbw]

Bewas,

I have to say that I would continue to detach. If there is every a chance to get her back it is really to let her go. I listed to a podcast of the show Relationship Alive with Neil Sattin. He hosted Chris Selter of exboyfriendrecovery.com. His mission is just what his website name is. He collects data on millions of breakups and the number 1 way people got their ex back was by letting go of them and not contacting them. Crazy right? [censored] right?

You ready to do what works? I spent so much time trying to make sense of the things that will never make sense. I should have focused that energy on my GAL and detachment and my boundaries. Bc my WW came back, but then ran off when I made it so easy for her.

You aren't ready to date. Period. You just want a distraction, understandably so. Focus on healing and improvement instead.

[Bewas]

Bewas,

I have to say that I would continue to detach. If there is every a chance to get her back it is really to let her go. I listed to a podcast of the show Relationship Alive with Neil Sattin. He hosted Chris Selter of exboyfriendrecovery.com. His mission is just what his website name is. He collects data on millions of breakups and the number 1 way people got their ex back was by letting go of them and not contacting them. Crazy right? [censored] right?

You ready to do what works? I spent so much time trying to make sense of the things that will never make sense. I should have focused that energy on my GAL and detachment and my boundaries. Bc my WW came back, but then ran off when I made it so easy for her.

You aren't ready to date. Period. You just want a distraction, understandably so. Focus on healing and improvement instead.

I am ready to do what works and I have slowly been detaching. I'm not quite 100% there yet at detachment but it is getting closer. I also know that none of what she does makes any sense so it's best to not dwell.

I know I'm not ready to date. It's the lonely part of me that comes out sometimes that wants to. My head and heart both know I'm not ready yet. I'll wait till I'm healed. I think only I'll know when that is.

Thanks for your amazing advice!

[SteveLW]

The issue of dating comes up quite often on the forum, and it is a natural instinct to start dating when the WS is out gallivanting around. The temptation is also there from a "I can use dating to get over S" standpoint. The problem is it doesn't usually work that way. Also dating adds complications to the S. It can have a negative impact on R chances, and it is generally a bad idea. Also it isn't really fair to people you are dating to thrust them into an emotional situation especially if you haven't fully dealt with your emotional baggage from your sitch.

My advice is to stay away from it until you are D'd, and have emotionally moved on from your S.

However, everyone's sitch is different and not all rules apply to everyone, but OK's sitch is a perfect example. I hope OK doesn't mind me saying this, but I don't think he was emotionally ready when he took the plunge, and that became apparent after he took the plunge. The "I need to touch something soft" is a base instinct that as humans, believe it or not, we CAN control. We aren't animals who give in to every whim our body chemistry throws at us. We are rational, sentient beings that can process our thoughts and emotions in a way where our actions are still under control. Anyone that tells you otherwise has an agenda that they are playing too. Usually an "I want what I want" agenda.

I'll try to type some more regarding some ground rules for dating once it appears your MR is over, but this is already too long!