Let the original thread get a little long. Forgot I needed to start a new one after 10 pages.
Formerly a question of whether or not my W was a WAW, and MLC or a WW. Well, I got my answer the other day explained in the previous thread. She is definitely a WW.
Anyways, thanks you all for your continued help and advice! Keep it coming!
W 31(WW) Me 32 Married 7 years together 12 1 kid - 1.5 yr old S BD 23/05/2018 Separated since BD I moved out 20/06/2018 for my own sanity OM or just fling? Not sure...
Bewas, I am a confronting fan myself. I confronted in my sitch. My only advice is that you NEVER let her know how you know. Just that you know.
WWs are notorious for going deeper undercover when you confront and especially if you reveal how you know. That was my mistake, and she slowly shut down any access I had. So if you confront DO NOT TELL HER HOW YOU KNOW.
Yes, this is something I'll need to figure out as I found out through our shared google account. If I tell her how I know, I'd be shut out. I wonder if that's for the better though in the end? We are separated after all and I can't actually control anything she does. Maybe it's best I don't know going forward. Especially if I am to move on and GAL. I could always just play coy with how I know I suppose. Let her figure it out. Or just drop red herrings in another direction?
But to reiterate what I've already stated, I plan on fully moving on as best as I can after this. The only thing I can control in this situation is myself and I've made huge strides the last month in figuring out what I'm going to do moving forward. With or without her I'll be fine. I think I've already become a better me in a lot of ways since this started. I think that's the realization I needed.
By moving on, I don't mean I'm giving up on her completely, just realizing I can't save her from herself and can't make her understand what she is doing to all of those who actually care for her. By me telling her I know, and basically acting as if I don't care, letting her know that I'm done now and she can do whatever she wants, maybe she thinks about that a little. Who knows. I'll be moving on regardless.
W 31(WW) Me 32 Married 7 years together 12 1 kid - 1.5 yr old S BD 23/05/2018 Separated since BD I moved out 20/06/2018 for my own sanity OM or just fling? Not sure...
Ask the hard questions, i didn't early on and paid for it.
Do you want someone who will betray your trust? Do you want someone who doesn't want you? Do you want to torture yourself everyday while the person you are suffering for walks all over you?
I kind of missed this the first time reading your post.
These are such important questions in a time like this.
Asking myself these questions at this very moment, the answer is no. No, I don't want the person she has become. If I could get "MY" W back, of course I would want her...even half of what she "WAS", but not what she's become. This mindset of mine may change going forward of course towards her but the more I think of it in this way, the easier moving on will be.
W 31(WW) Me 32 Married 7 years together 12 1 kid - 1.5 yr old S BD 23/05/2018 Separated since BD I moved out 20/06/2018 for my own sanity OM or just fling? Not sure...
Gentlemen, I feel as if I am not being really heard on the subject of confrontation in this sitch. I am not against confronting the wayward spouse. I just think the LBS needs a plan beyond the confrontation. In other words, what is the purpose of the confrontation? If you are already separated and living in different houses, and you just want her to know that you are aware she lied and she is an affair (b/c it will make you feel better).....then knock yourself out.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Been incredibly busy the last few days and have not had time to post.
I did end up confronting her about the fact that I know she is cheating or at least in an EA. I honestly needed to do it just for me to feel better regardless. She of course still denies it even still, but gets EXTREMELY agitated when "cheating" or "affair" or even anything to do with being with someone else is brought up. She at first says it wouldn't be cheating anyways if she was as we are separated but then she also accuses me of cheating when she doesn't know where I am or what I'm doing. (seriously...hypocrite much?) I'm honestly starting to wonder if she may have done something even before this whole situation started and is projecting her shame and regret towards me as anger as a way to justify herself and her decisions. I don't know...just a feeling.
I'm done even trying to follow what she is doing at this point. I've completely detached the last few days. It's been easy at times and harder at other times. I've been happier lately as well. Been getting out and getting active a lot as well. I've decided to move in with family until the situation resolves itself one way or another as I can't live with her this way and to be honest...our house doesn't feel like home anymore. I just don't want to be there. She is also apparently still moving out of the house as well last I heard. I don't even care anymore. Maybe we will try to rent out the house until we can sell it for a decent price if she is moving out. Not sure exactly on this yet.
She had an extreme falling out with her family over the weekend apparently. It got REALLY heated. They are fed up with her recent behavior and disrespect as they see a huge awful change in her. Nobody can understand why she is doing this to her family and the complete disregard for her son in this situation. Her decisions baffle everybody. She basically got kicked out apparently and she proclaimed she is "DONE FOREVER" with her family now. She is losing more than just me in this situation it seems. Probably doesn't help my situation with her as she'll just blame me, but whatever, it's not something I can control. Seems like karma biting her in the a$$ to me.
It seems to me that from some of the texts and discussions with her, she isn't doing as well financially as she thought she was going to be. I'm not surprised. I was the one who handled the finances anyways so I knew this already. I think there are many more eye openers for her to come. Especially when she gets our son for her first week with him on her own. We'll see how much she enjoys that. She's never had to do it before on her own for an extended period. I don't plan on helping at all unless it concerns the actual safety of my son of course.
The fact that she is in so deep with whatever is going on with her that she would be willing to lose basically everything including her own family for this is mind boggling to me. But that's me trying to get in the head of a WW, which is quite impossible for someone thinking rationally to do. So I'll have to not do that anymore
So is it dark mode for me now? I'm assuming so.
Any more thoughts or advice on my current sitch' would be welcomed!
Thanks!
W 31(WW) Me 32 Married 7 years together 12 1 kid - 1.5 yr old S BD 23/05/2018 Separated since BD I moved out 20/06/2018 for my own sanity OM or just fling? Not sure...
Bewas, a word of caution. The family thing also strikes me as showing how wayward she is. My W, at the height of her waywardness, threatened cutting off everyone in her family (mom and stepdad, dad and stepmom, and all of her extended family). This is part of the fantasy of waywardness. I am going to start completely over so I don't have to face anyone that might judge me negatively. I even remember after I found out who her EA AP was, and I ran a background check on him, I said to her "I would love to see you bring this loser home to your dad." I could see her deflate before my eyes. She knew I was right.
I also remember my cousin years ago, calling off his wedding to his longtime GF 5 weeks before the wedding. He told me, "I am going to move far away because everyone is going to hate me." Often times when people make selfish decisions they want to run and hide from those that they think will hit them with 2x4s. (Note, my cousin was doing the right thing in this case but still wanted to avoid negative kickback.)
Likely she is doing this with her family to avoid being guilted or scolded for or talked out of what she is doing.
And you are right, her accusing you of cheating is a total cheater move. This board is riddled with LBSs that were accused of cheating by their cheating S.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Bewas, a word of caution. The family thing also strikes me as showing how wayward she is. My W, at the height of her waywardness, threatened cutting off everyone in her family (mom and stepdad, dad and stepmom, and all of her extended family). This is part of the fantasy of waywardness. I am going to start completely over so I don't have to face anyone that might judge me negatively. I even remember after I found out who her EA AP was, and I ran a background check on him, I said to her "I would love to see you bring this loser home to your dad." I could see her deflate before my eyes. She knew I was right.
I also remember my cousin years ago, calling off his wedding to his longtime GF 5 weeks before the wedding. He told me, "I am going to move far away because everyone is going to hate me." Often times when people make selfish decisions they want to run and hide from those that they think will hit them with 2x4s. (Note, my cousin was doing the right thing in this case but still wanted to avoid negative kickback.)
Likely she is doing this with her family to avoid being guilted or scolded for or talked out of what she is doing.
And you are right, her accusing you of cheating is a total cheater move. This board is riddled with LBSs that were accused of cheating by their cheating S.
In my W's case, she was really trying to hide the situation from her family as long as she could knowing full well what would happen when they found out the details. She just expected them to accept the destruction of her family for no good reason at all. It really blew up in her face now with them now that they know what's really going on. They would NEVER accept her bringing home anyone else other than me.
W 31(WW) Me 32 Married 7 years together 12 1 kid - 1.5 yr old S BD 23/05/2018 Separated since BD I moved out 20/06/2018 for my own sanity OM or just fling? Not sure...
Don't pursue her with contacts and conversations. Don't make suggestions, ask questions, talk about the M, etc. If she contacts you, just listen.....as long as she is being respectful. Otherwise, just follow a parenting schedule for the child.
Get a job ASAP. Continue GAL. Your W is going to need time to learn a few lessons from life's experiences. I think there is a good chance she will want to reconcile, but you need to stay out of her life until then.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Don't pursue her with contacts and conversations. Don't make suggestions, ask questions, talk about the M, etc. If she contacts you, just listen.....as long as she is being respectful. Otherwise, just follow a parenting schedule for the child.
Get a job ASAP. Continue GAL. Your W is going to need time to learn a few lessons from life's experiences. I think there is a good chance she will want to reconcile, but you need to stay out of her life until then.
Thanks Sandi!
I'm glad to hear you think there is a chance for reconciliation. I'm not having any expectations of any anything right now myself though. I haven't been contacting her at all since I confronted her on the weekend. She been the only one initiating since. I've been trying my best to GAL. Some days are more successful than others. I do agree with you 100% that life's experiences are going to be the key I think to perhaps turning her around and out of this. This new life she is trying to have is not going to be as good as she already had it. She's already had a few good eye openers. Not enough to turn the situation around yet but maybe with time and enough of them, it might be enough. We'll see.
Thanks, and again, any more advice or input is always welcome!
W 31(WW) Me 32 Married 7 years together 12 1 kid - 1.5 yr old S BD 23/05/2018 Separated since BD I moved out 20/06/2018 for my own sanity OM or just fling? Not sure...
