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Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: focus22
Originally Posted By: Cadet

Although maybe she was cheating on him and that was his boundary.

For me I would need a lot more info, I do not believe many people learn anything from getting divorced.


Jumping in with a quick question...do you mean people in general? Or those that are WAS? Or those that initiate Ds?

Just curious smile

I am not actually sure of your question but to be more specific.

I would think most people in general do not come to DB or learn anything at all.

WAS would be included in the above, although my ex did stalk me here and I am sure she learned absolutely nothing other than what she could use to her advantage in our divorce proceedings.

I know people that have initiated divorces here from DB because they gave their WAS ultimatums, stop cheating or we will get divorced.
FTR they are quite happy that they did this many years later their spouses are still deep in crisis and they have recovered and are living full happy lives.

If that does not answer your question then please continue to discuss.


Brilliant, thank you! Was what I was thinking you were saying.

I don't think I came to DB until very late (after October 2015).

And it was only then that I really started to understand what DB (the process) was all about. I think I might have inadvertently been doing elements of it before then, but not consciously or with any degree of consistency.

I've been trying to learn as much as I can, about myself mainly, and to see things in a different light. Not easy though, and there are some things I could barely admit to myself, let alone say them out loud to another person. But they are there in my consciousness, so that's good.

Recovery is looking a lot like acceptance at the moment...

Back to the thread...


Me: 48, XH: 42
T: 18 years, M: 15 years

EA/PA 1: 6/2012
EA/PA 2: from autumn 2012-present

BD: 5/2013
ILYBNILWY BD & left: 10/2015

OW conceived: 8/2016
Born: 4/2017

H filed: 7/2017
D final: 28/12/2017
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As far as his finances go, I'm only concerned because at my age, a man who doesn't have a plan for his own retirement is a potential future liability. I have enough for my own eventual retirement but not for two - so I need to know a guy will be able to pay his own bills if/when he stops working. I'm not looking to gain any financial advantage, just don't want someone to become my financial liability.

As for his marriage - according to him, his wife was:
- financially irresponsible ( bought a van to carry the kids, two months later traded it in for the longer version, then 8 months later because "all the mom's have Suburbans" traded it in for a Denali. )

- not maternal - when the kids were in preschool he was the one who attended things at the school and answered calls, she was too busy hanging out with the soccer moms. (He worked, she was SAHM). He took the family on vacation to Hawaii every year but after the first year she didn't come. He also did all the cooking and grocery shopping even though he worked full time and traveled for business.

- in the last three years became a three bottle of wine a day alcoholic who refused treatment and had moved out of their bedroom). I suspect maybe she was a drinker even earlier - might explain the "not maternal" stuff - but that she hid it better. This could explain a lot of the above).

He hasn't mentioned anything about either of them cheating but I do plan to ask directly. He also once said something about his ex having an issue when their first daughter was born because she "looked like him". I didn't pursue it at the time but the way he said it sounded like she resented having a biracial baby??? Doesn't make sense though, it's not like she didn't know she was a white woman married to a black man so what else could she have expected? And since he himself is biracial, his daughters are actually quite light skinned (and gorgeous from the family photos he showed me.)

We had a nice dinner last night although I was a bit distracted because my youngest son had a bit of a meltdown before I left the house. I did learn one new thing - he gets pedicures. (The restaurant we went to is next to the nail salon where he gets them.) He seemed surprised that I do my own nails but did offer to paint them for me. (Ex boyfriend used to do this, in a nice, non-foot-fetish way. )

I find myself being kind of skittish though - the last guy who came on this strong turned out to be a bipolar Addict with sociopathic tendencies! And yet, if I keep just going for the distant, Love Avoidant types that's what I'll end up with! And truthfully, CMM seems like just a smart, nice, lonely guy who's enthusiastic about meeting a smart, pretty , sane woman.

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Originally Posted By: kml
And truthfully, CMM seems like just a smart, nice, lonely guy who's enthusiastic about meeting a smart, pretty , sane woman.


kml,

The problem with this guy is that freaky caterpillar mustache. Who'd have a caterpillar on his upper lip? I haven't even seen him and it drives me nuts. Can't you get him to shave that d@mn thing off already? Tell him doodler said the caterpillar has to go.

As soon as he gets rid of that godforsaken clump of hair he calls a mustache, you can have him cook for you so that you can confirm his story about cooking. While he cooks, you can sit on the couch and drink wine. In fact, just go ahead and get sh*t-faced drunk.

My overriding point is this; you've got to focus on the important stuff and that godd@mn mustache is first on the list.

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Originally Posted By: kml
. - in the last three years became a three bottle of wine a day alcoholic who refused treatment and had moved out of their bedroom). I suspect maybe she was a drinker even earlier - might explain the "not maternal" stuff - but that she hid it better. This could explain a lot of the above).

So did he tell her to stop drinking or he would divorce her?

Alcohol is almost as bad as cheating, jmho.


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I think he kept trying to get her to get help and then gave up. He says now he thinks he "should have let her hit bottom" but I actually think that's not always the way. His oldest daughter is mad at him for not helping mom but she wasn't home for those last three years and he says he doesn't want to diss their mom to them by telling them everything.

He SEEMS like a guy who just misses the closeness they had early in their marriage and stuck it out when things started to go downhill because he had kids (and is somewhat religious). He may have been an enabler, or just a guy who liked to spoil his wife. Maybe she had depression or was drinking early on and he just didn't see the signs.

But then again, he COULD be a controlling OCD jerk who had affairs and drove his wife to drink - I don't THINK so but definitely want to find out for sure. I just feel super suspicious after the last boyfriend.

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And Doodler -
Yes, the caterpillar mustache WAS much less caterpillary on closer inspection but still a possible source of contention. I will have to ask to see a mustache-free photo.

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(Need the photo because an old friend once shaved his mustache. He was quite the handsome guy with the mustache, but much to my surprise, without it he was actually NOT attractive! I've never seen a mustache make such a difference in someone's appearance but this was striking. He promptly grew it back at his wife's urging.)

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Originally Posted By: kml
...without it he was actually NOT attractive!


Holy sh*t! Maybe that's what happened to me! As soon as I get home I'll be putting Miracle Grow on my upper lip.

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Other good things about CMM - he was active in both church and temple and organized fundraising golf tournaments for both, also involved in Thanksgiving and Christmas charity work through both for the homeless. All signs of a good guy. (He attended Catholic schools growing up even though he wasn't Catholic, having grown up Catholic myself I recognize the influence)

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Originally Posted By: kml
I find myself being kind of skittish though - the last guy who came on this strong turned out to be a bipolar Addict with sociopathic tendencies! And yet, if I keep just going for the distant, Love Avoidant types that's what I'll end up with! And truthfully, CMM seems like just a smart, nice, lonely guy who's enthusiastic about meeting a smart, pretty , sane woman.


I know you said that right after you agreed to meet him / go on the first date, he came on strong and tried to set up like three dates in the first week. You slapped him down a bit and it seemed like he had backed off. Is that not still the case? Or more direct to the point, what is he doing that is making you feel he is "coming on this strong." From what you've relayed here it doesn't seem to me he's coming on all that strong - but there could be much more taking place behind the scenes that you are not commenting on. I don't know that one or two dates a week is "coming on strong." To me, it would more be a text or phone call first thing in the AM, a noon time check in, two or three hour conversations at night and requests to go out again before the next already planned date has even happened. Toss in flowers getting delivered right about now, and that's coming on strong in my book. Perhaps I'm wrong?

Male pedicures and offering to do YOUR toe nails? I mean, I'm no macho alpha male, but count me the hell out! smile Still, you seem to find that endearing. Reason #287 why I don't understand women. LOL

You mentioned your youngest son - how has your other son been doing? Still on buprenorphine I hope? Sometimes, around this time, or a few months down the road, they want to "get off of this crap" because they feel they no longer need it. BAD IDEA. Real bad idea. A year at total minimum or until they are 27 if not 30 is where current thinking is at. I hope he's still doing well and beating the odds!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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