Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8
Joined: Jun 2018
Posts: 37
H
Hornsfa Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2018
Posts: 37
Originally Posted By: Steve85
Hornsfa, your reaction to that misunderstanding was pretty extreme. Is that something you have dealt with in handling your W? Just a question, since behavior online doesn't necessarily typify behavior IRL.

If you do react similarly in your MR then that is definitely one of the 180s that you can institute from this point forward. If not, then ignore this entire post. smile


Steve,

No my behavior here is not typical of what my IRL demeanor is. I have never been this emotional in my entire life. I appreciate your suggestions and trying to move on. Thank you!


H: 47 W:49
M: 17
BD: 5/20/18
OM discovered - still in contact as of 06/07/18.
W says she is moving out 9/1/18
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,920
Likes: 2
Okay! You didn't just cross the f$%^ing line, you sprinted across it. No one has forced you to be here on these forums. You came here out of your own volition. You can't handle simple basic communication skills, you're free to leave.

Just from this small interaction I can tell that you have zero ability for emotional regulation right now; you are unable to self-reflect on your own behavior; and have very poor conflict management and communication skills. I just gave you three things to start working on IRL.

Just because this is some anon forum it doesn't give you license to behave this way and I for one second don't believe you don't behave like this IRL.

You said you've been very emotional lately. Guess what - so has every single person on this forum at some point during their journey and rarely has anyone behaved in this way. So, you ain't special with your emotional problems - we all got them. But none of us are lashing out at other people here.

Get your $hit together and learn how to communicate with others here. Steve is highly patient and has a gentle heart. Me, I tolerate no fools in life any more. My time here is spent to share my insights and learnings so that others may avoid mistakes I made in my path. I have no interest in wasting my time with someone who isn't showing a modicum of decency and having knee-jerk reactions.

To state the obvious, I won't be posting in your thread. I am not being passive-aggressive, just have no interest after this. Nonetheless, I wish you the best in your journey and that you find DBing a useful way to get equilibrium and learn more about yourself. Good luck!


No one is coming to save you!

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Originally Posted By: Hornsfa
I appreciate your suggestions and trying to move on.

Don't Move ON - Move FORWARD.


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Jun 2018
Posts: 37
H
Hornsfa Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2018
Posts: 37
Originally Posted By: Maika
Okay! You didn't just cross the f$%^ing line, you sprinted across it. No one has forced you to be here on these forums. You came here out of your own volition. You can't handle simple basic communication skills, you're free to leave.

Just from this small interaction I can tell that you have zero ability for emotional regulation right now; you are unable to self-reflect on your own behavior; and have very poor conflict management and communication skills. I just gave you three things to start working on IRL.

Just because this is some anon forum it doesn't give you license to behave this way and I for one second don't believe you don't behave like this IRL.

You said you've been very emotional lately. Guess what - so has every single person on this forum at some point during their journey and rarely has anyone behaved in this way. So, you ain't special with your emotional problems - we all got them. But none of us are lashing out at other people here.

Get your $hit together and learn how to communicate with others here. Steve is highly patient and has a gentle heart. Me, I tolerate no fools in life any more. My time here is spent to share my insights and learnings so that others may avoid mistakes I made in my path. I have no interest in wasting my time with someone who isn't showing a modicum of decency and having knee-jerk reactions.

To state the obvious, I won't be posting in your thread. I am not being passive-aggressive, just have no interest after this. Nonetheless, I wish you the best in your journey and that you find DBing a useful way to get equilibrium and learn more about yourself. Good luck!


Took you long enough. Good luck to you as well.


H: 47 W:49
M: 17
BD: 5/20/18
OM discovered - still in contact as of 06/07/18.
W says she is moving out 9/1/18
Joined: Jun 2018
Posts: 37
H
Hornsfa Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2018
Posts: 37
Originally Posted By: Cadet
Originally Posted By: Hornsfa
I appreciate your suggestions and trying to move on.

Don't Move ON - Move FORWARD.


Yes sir - exactly what I am doing. I appreciate your words.


H: 47 W:49
M: 17
BD: 5/20/18
OM discovered - still in contact as of 06/07/18.
W says she is moving out 9/1/18
Joined: Jun 2018
Posts: 37
H
Hornsfa Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2018
Posts: 37
Ok folks - I just got this months phone bill. She is still texting him after saying she was not. So not sure what to do with this information. Thoughts/suggestions appreciated.


H: 47 W:49
M: 17
BD: 5/20/18
OM discovered - still in contact as of 06/07/18.
W says she is moving out 9/1/18
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 1,064
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 1,064
Hornsfa, coupla things.

First, i am interested in your sitch, but you need to walk things back a bit in terms of demeanor. I can tell you from firsthand experience that emotions can naturally run pretty high for the folks on these forums-- after all, most of us are in what is probably the most emotionally taxing sitch we will ever find ourselves in! I recall when i was in your shoes, with a WW in the throes of an affair, how hard it was to hear criticism or even advice that i didn't 100% agree with or which challenged me in some way. I also recall having a hair trigger at times in terms of knee-jerk and immediately responding on the boards before thinking things out first. It's hard not to do with our bodies and minds in the "fight or flight" stance that they are in and likely have been in for weeks or months. I teach a legal writing class and i always tell my students to be careful with the written word-- it is a medium where man traditionally and historically has had the ability, call it a gift, even, of the medium, to be able to ponder what he has "said" and change or even retract it before it is transmitted to the recipient. Social media and the internet have made it easier to ignore that gift of the written word and throw it away. Dont! Consider what you are saying/writing before you hit that "submit" button. The anonymity of the internet makes it oh so much easier and tempting to shoot off something that we might regret later. I myself almost alienated and completely lost touch with one particular poster, Artista, whose insight and contributions ended up being invaluable to me in my journey towards reconcilliation with my W. Don't risk that kind of loss for the hollow satisfaction of venting.

Okay, sermon over. Now for the second thing: your W's continued contact with OM. Here, you need to read up on boundaries... what you are willing to accept and not accept in your journey forward and, if this is something you cannot accept (a violated boundary), what you are going to do about it. Will you establish that as a boundary with your W? How will you react/respond if she violates it? Sandi and others can chime in here as i was pretty crappy at this aspect of DB-ing, although i think in the end i managed to handle it well enough to get across the finish line smile

Best of luck... and calm down! The folks on here are all here to help you!


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted By: Maika
Get your $hit together and learn how to communicate with others here. Steve is highly patient and has a gentle heart. Me, I tolerate no fools in life any more. My time here is spent to share my insights and learnings so that others may avoid mistakes I made in my path. I have no interest in wasting my time with someone who isn't showing a modicum of decency and having knee-jerk reactions.


You are fuching awesome Maika. You are gonna have the world by the ball$!

Joined: Jun 2018
Posts: 37
H
Hornsfa Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2018
Posts: 37
I suspect th OM is making genuine attempt to break contact with my wife. She had been very sad the past few days. I want to ask about it but have not. Not sure what to do...


H: 47 W:49
M: 17
BD: 5/20/18
OM discovered - still in contact as of 06/07/18.
W says she is moving out 9/1/18
Joined: Jun 2018
Posts: 161
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Jun 2018
Posts: 161
Do NOT ask her about it.


M: 40 W: 37
T: 20 MR: 13
S13, S9, S4
BD: 1/29/18
Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out)
8/24/18 I come home, she moves out

If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
Page 7 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard