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Pax,

I am so sorry that he's not grown up yet. He's still in that anger stage whereby you are still looking like the enemy to him. He knows that the only way to hurt you is by keeping the dog away from you. Do not let this man get to you. I know it hurts, but he's still a very selfish, insensitive man who hasn't moved much since he entered the twilight zone.

Find things to do, if it helps, pull out a photo of your fur baby and place it near the tree for the holidays. The key to seeing your dog more often is to just let things be. The more you request to see the dog, the more he's going to make your life miserable and not budge an inch on sharing. He's like a spoiled kid at the park who will not share until he realizes no one cares what he has in his hands.

Take back your power...do not let him see you sweat!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Thanks Job! Nope, he will not see me sweat. No way. I was upset for an hour and I’m back to being my bad @ss self now. (Haha)

It’s funny- I stopped trying to mind read 3 years ago. Now In our current state, I’m trying to mind read again to try and make sense of the behavior... at least this time I’m at a distance and this has become some bizarre anthropological experiment. Whatevs. I’m so glad I’m not married to him anymore. Sad, but true.

I’m going to enjoy my dog this weekend and will have Christmas in peace.


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No I think you've nailed it. He knows he has leverage over you with the dog and he's using it.

Have you ever read the book The Sociopath Next Door? It's a quick read and might be very enlightening.

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Hey KML, thanks for popping in. hmm.. I have heard of that book. Never thought to read it, but maybe I will. Thanks.

Well, it’s that time of year where feelings get all mucky and surprisingly I’m doing great. Heck, I’ve been doing this for 4 years now. I’m a pro. I’m really enjoying the holidays and all the festivities this go round. I think I’m more present this year and that is making a huge difference. I am booked up with social events and parties through Thursday. Ughhhh no more food! I’ve literally been stuffed to the brim since this past Thursday. Even though I’m working tomorrow, I’m getting up early to run a few miles just to burn off some calories. This is getting rediculous! At least I’m enjoying myself. It really has been great.

Since I don’t get my dog on Christmas, we decided to celebrate “Dogmas” today. We just invented it! The whole family brought our dogs together during our sunday dinner and we had the pups open presents and play, etc. it was so fun!

Anyway, I’m a little amp’d from all the cookies and hot chocolate so I thought I would take a trip down memory lane and read my Christmas time DB postings from 2015. Wowwwie.... I have come really far. I am so grateful to have had this board as an outlet and am even more grateful for the support and insight from all the posters. There are some wise folks here and some of the nuggets are pure gold. I know I missed some of the gems because I was too close to my situation at the time.... distance and time really is the greatest gift.

Still have the usual legal drama, which takes it toll, but in this moment, I consider myself to have more blessings than I deserve. I desperately feel the need to pay it forward because the universe has been on my side the last week or so. Feeling very grateful and just full in general :-)

Merry Christmas Eve!


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Dogmas? I love it!

Pax, you have come a very long way since 2015. You've have your ups and downs, but look at you! You are out there enjoying the holidays and festivities this year.

When you came to the forum, like many others, you weren't ready to "hear" what we saying. Each poster will move forward at their own pace and must not miss a step along the path. I, too, wasn't willing to "hear" what was being pointed out to me until many, many months down the path. But once you get to the point of letting go, and I mean really letting go, your eyes and ears begin to "see and hear" again and you realize that what we shared w/the posters really does work/happen.

So, my friend, today I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas and may the new year bring lots of fun and new doors opening so that you can begin the next chapter of your life.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Peace and joy to you, Job!

You know, I don’t think any of us can truly comprehend what is actually happening when we are in the thick of it. The fact that many of us are still here years later processing and applying truly demonstrates that it’s all a process and takes time. . It’s unfortunate that others miss out on such a... uhhh.... challenging and fruitful process.

I dropped my dog off with ex this morning. My dog is super scruffy and scraggly right now. His bed head was level 10 this morning. I didn’t even bother brushing him before dropping him off... just proves how much fun he had yesterday. I’m sure ex is making another one of his documentation’s about how I don’t care for the dog.... whatever. I try not to give him any ammunition, but today I didn’t care.. I even dropped him off 9 minutes late. (Oooooooh such a rebel)

Anyway, I then went to the beach for a run. It was so fun. Got some miles in while listening to Christmas music. It was unusually foggy and cold in SoCal this morning, but it was fun passing everyone by in their parkas and hearing all the holiday greetings of those walking along. What a nice morning.


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Hello,
Hope the holiday season is bringing good cheer to everyone.

Popping in for an unrelated post. I had a lovely Christmas surrounded by so many loved ones. Our family has evolved over the last few years (as it does), but this year was slightly more settled than years passed. I thoroughly enjoyed my time with the family.

One thing that has me concerned is my dad’s dependence on alcohol. It has gotten worse over the years and with the amount of time I’ve spent with him the last few days, it is a reminder that it’s not getting better. He’s in his 60s, was kind of forced into retirement via disability. He had a stroke in his ocular nerve many years ago and hasn’t worked since. His family has a history of bad hearts and all siblings had their first heart attacks before the age of 50. I never met my grandfather (dad’s dad) because he passed away from a massive heart attack before I was born.

In any case, he starting drinking more and more over the years. Depression set in (though he totally masks sadness) and started drinking beer during the day. Then it became more excessive use of hard alcohol and now I think he can’t get through the day without it.

Yesterday at Christmas morning breakfast, he had his coffee, but mostly it was hard liquor with a splash of coffee and it continued through the day. He’s not beligerent or violet. If anything he’s a happy drunk that wants to have a good time... but it’s a terrible way to live. He’s gotten into exercise the last year and is really strong and fit. I was hoping that was him making the choice to improve his life... but one hasn’t had the impact on the other.

So I get how dB almost mirrors the practice of dealing with alcoholics. Detach, don’t enable, etc. But it does scare me how damaging this all is and I wish I could do something before he ends up dead. Clearly strokes and heart attacks aren’t enough to scare him into making better choices than this. I also understand this is a disease that Likely renders him powerless to recognize how damaging it is.

So... anyone deal with this? And have any advice?


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ahhh Pax, I feel so badly for you... As you know... I know this story all too well as I am sure many do. It is really hard to deal with.

Not to get all in to my story again but my dad was the same way. He is/was a hardcore alcoholic consuming a minimum of 5 drinks a day i'd guess. He was also a 'happy drunk'.. never belligerent. In fact, it was difficult to even tell he was drunk unless he asked me the same question a million times or his pupils were different sizes. I actually just realized the other day something. When he would come from work... he would always be a total d1ck. No affection towards my mom, or us kids. He would usually just immediately start cleaning something or comment that my mom didn't do something. So this is what I was shown growing up and what I learned (working on that!). Anyway, I realized that this was likely due to alcohol withdrawal during the day now.

Sorry for the hijack. My dad also has health issues and he definitely suffered from depression which made things worse. Alcohol effected every part of his life from his relationship with his kids, my mom, his friends, his job etc etc. I watched it and it drove me crazy. I talked to him about it, begged him to stop. But nothing. The guy even had a quadruple by-pass surgery. I told him how great now would be to quit since he hadn't had a drink in over a week but nope. Nothing we could do could stop it unfortunately. He had to hit rock bottom to want to stop. I think it happened when he lost most of his relationships but also his doctor sat him down and said he would be dead within six months if he didn't quit. I guess everyone's rock bottom is different. I know his doctor said that to him multiple times so I am not sure what was different this time.

I still don't completely understand what he was trying to escape from with the alcohol. I'll probably never know.

I do feel bad because I used to look at his alcohol use as purely a selfish act. I would ask why can't he just control it? Well... you know the story of my dad and now my perspective is totally different. It is a totally evil drug to quit and the physical dependence is just as intense as the mental dependence. Something I never realized.

Seems like you actually have a good mind set. Lots of people struggle with the detaching aspect. It is hard! Just curious, have you ever mentioned it to him? Would he be receptive to that? Or to your mom or siblings? Just wondering if ya'll talk about it. I kind of wish my family talked about it more... not sure that would have mattered one bit. I think the enabling part is also big. My whole family was guilty of that to different extents.

I wish I could give you some great advice to fix this, but unfortunately I don't think there is much you can do unless the person wants to quit.

Ugh... hugs!! Just so hard :-(

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Pax,

Have you sat down and had a good, long talk with your father about his life and his disappointments? Maybe if you can get him to open up a bit, you might be able to figure out what is causing him to increase his drinking. Depression is about things in the past and anxiety is about things in the future.

Unless he's willing to see a professional or go to AA, he may not quit. Just like the MLCers, he will have to be the one to either seek professional help or hit rock bottom.

Have you tried going to some of the meetings for family members? They may be able to provide you the support and guidance you need.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Happy new year!

First, I want to thank you, Pinn and Job for the input about my dad. I know it’s not DB, but it’s been weighing on me. It’s been a couple years since I’ve had the deep convo with my dad. The last time was with my ex and we were nudging him to get healthier because we wanted him around a long time as a grandpa. It’s hard. I do think he will need to hit rock bottom and that’s scary.

So, this post comes to you from the airport. I just spent a couple days with the bestie and had the best time. I’m a little upset to return to reality, but it is what it is. Got some new developments on the divorce and financial front and I don’t even know what to say. My lawyer is on vacation and I can’t wait to speak with him because I’m freaking out (as usual). I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t even believe he would do this to another human. While this new development may not have any merit.... I’m just shocked. It took 3 years for a new loan to surface which makes me think it’s fake/fraud. Can’t really share anymore than that right now. Unbelievable.

So, I’m calm, but anxious and on the verge of tears. I know escaping isn’t the right thing to do, but I just want to bury my head in the sand. No more.

Anyway....
On another topic...

A couple years ago, i adapted a tradition from one of our old posters, Ciluzen. She always inspired me.
She took the first animal she saw in the new year as her spirit animal for the year and I loved it so much, I adapted it as well.

Last year, my animal was a rabbit. They are known for their resiliency, agility, and are skiddish because they are always under threat. Yep.... that’s me! And that was my year!

I was telling my friend, gee I hope I get a tough animal this year! I don’t want to be in survival mode anymore!

Well, I woke up this morning and on our way out, we came across a pit bull! Yeah!!!! I’ll take it. I already did my research and pit bulls are associated with justice. They are protective. They are loyal. They are strong! I love it! Yessss.... let’s get some justice this year!!!

I hope you all started the new year on a positive note!


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