Ok - I agree with what Steve, G, and the others have said. I will just add that I think I told you early on that you may have to give a little bit to get a little bit. She has been snarky to you, no doubt. When she is you seem to be snarky right back which further escalates the situation and makes it worse. It also probably reaffirms in her mind her desire to leave.
She is going to test you....will you pass the tests? If she does not get a reaction out of you eventually she might stop.
You do need to pick and choose your battles.
You do need to show her with your actions and not your words.
You will be co-parenting your S with your EW for the next 15 years or so. What do you want that R to look like? Are your actions inline with those goals?
Ok - I agree with what Steve, G, and the others have said. I will just add that I think I told you early on that you may have to give a little bit to get a little bit. She has been snarky to you, no doubt. When she is you seem to be snarky right back which further escalates the situation and makes it worse. It also probably reaffirms in her mind her desire to leave.
Solid Copy Joseph. I agree with the last part too. good point.
Originally Posted By: Joseph9
She is going to test you....will you pass the tests? If she does not get a reaction out of you eventually she might stop.
I lost focus on going grey rock, i think i was distracted by finally having some type of communication with her again after so long. It made me lose my focus i gained during NC.
Originally Posted By: Joseph9
You do need to pick and choose your battles.
You do need to show her with your actions and not your words.
You will be co-parenting your S with your EW for the next 15 years or so. What do you want that R to look like? Are your actions inline with those goals?
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I dont even plan on any battles moving forward, I will stick to boundaries, but im not fighting about them. If we reach an impasse i will simply stand my ground in a business like fashion. I am hoping to reduce impasses as well.
Goal - Be amicable co parents that can be at the same functions and support S3 in a loving and supportive manner. My actions have not been as in line with this as they could be, See above.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Keep on keeping on man......I view myself as the Rock of Gibalter. The storm can be angry, the wind howling, the clouds dark, the waves crashing all around me but there I am taking blow, after blow, after blow, never waivering. Like Fonzie....calm, cool, and collected.
Always keep your goals in mind before responding to her. Are you responding from a place of love or anger? Anger will never win.
I have been knocked on my heels but I have never yelled, sent a nasty text, punished her or purposely tried to make her life difficult. I have been short at times, maybe more reserved, maybe not as jovial but never the other.
Your gonna have to absorb some body blows......
Remember boundaries are to protect you they are not to punish her. For example, my EW told me about OM and then started to go into detail telling me about him. I stopped her and told her that I did not want to hear anything more about him unless it has something to do with my girls. That is my boundary. she said she understood.
Just to piggy back........it might help if whenever you are posting about your WW, you not use derogatory adjectives. . At first, I thought it was your way of getting the anger out of your system. However, it begins to really affect the overall attitude about most everything around you. Plus, you are armed & ready for battle whenever you correspond with her. You are looking for every snare trap she sets. She is doing the same thing, and neither of you plan to let the other one get by with a thaaaaang. So naturally, the messages are going to have a sharp edge.
As difficult as it might be at times, I hope you'll practice every day to avoid using unflattering words when speaking about the mother of your child. Here's the thing, Orange. It's not a matter of whether or not she deserves it, b/c it is not a reflection of her...........as much as it is a reflection of you. In order to get rid of some of the anger and resentment, start with the words you use.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You rarely make a post that doesn't assume something awful about your W or mind read her intentions. As a practice, just to be a little more peaceful in your mind, I would try to cut that down a bit. I understand she is this horrible awful woman with tons of bad intentions, but it just breeds the bitterness when you keep rehashing it all.
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Sage advice ginger. I will work on that. I actually went and took "because she is Lazy and Selfish" off of my reply to the first question you asked on this post.
It is hard not to be bitter, and even harder not to spew all of the facts of the horrid things she has done to her, but she would deny them anyway. Its fruitless, no profit to be had. i have been trying to work towards a "Detached Apathy" but its still quite hard to be calm about whats been done to me. Its gotten easier, esp. in the last 2 weeks or so. Last night i was a bit seething, a slow-low burn, not a rage, but i managed it well. When i get to that place now i take 15 min, do a set of my "Personalized Ti Chi", sit down in a meditative position, and envision breathing in clean, cold mountain air, and breathing out think, black, oily smoke. Cleansing myself of the Hate, Fear, Anger and Rage that this has brought up in me in the past. Then if i am feeling particularly angry still, i will hit the heavy bag or do push-ups/Shadow Boxing, and repeat the meditative excersize.
I want to be the best Dad and Co-Parent i can be. I want to be calm, unable to be coaxed into a reaction, and detached, to the point that when she tries to stoke my rage, all i produce is a sigh of resignation at best.
Sandi, i agree. Ginger brought this up the other day ^^
It comes out too naturally, i need to actively think about what i am saying about her, as well as how i speak with her on texts.
Its a state of mind thing, if i am constantly thinking of her as some enemy or opponent, that is how i will treat her in interactions, as well as how i will paint her here.
I imagine she still may think i am chomping at the bit to hold her accountable, and ask for explanations and so on, as that's where I was when the RO was put in place. I hope through continued interactions she may realize this is not the case and become more comfortable in dealing with me. I Still believe the RO being extended was her way of avoiding having to be faced with the ramifications her actions, out of sight out of mind. However where that used to enrage me, i think if she feels more comfortable in that position, feeling secure in her legally controlled separation from me that's fine with me. We need the time and space to eventually co parent.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
OK I want to commend you on your handling of the recent constructive criticism! Well done my friend, I think you are in a much better place this week than you were last week.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks Steve. It all feels very different recently. Something happened last weekend. Something let go, or abated. I just want peace. I am so done fighting, arguing, hoping and analyzing. I just want peace. I feel like an old soldier, who has tired of the weight of a sword in his hands, and the memory of all the blood he has cleaned off of it.
Swords to Plowshares.
I have had small flashes of anger with the Sitch/WW, but very manageable ones.
Its all just a shame, i wish she had been real, but ill find my happy ever after someday.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Lonely. Missing her. i know thats fruitless, but damn i miss the golden period of the love bombing, which is unhealthy to miss. i know it was a narcissistic trap, why do i miss it?
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Its amazing how something unrelated can propel my entire mood in a different direction. I just had a stressful client at work, and now i have been inundated with thoughts about WW, our dead R and our destroyed family that will not abate.
Totally unrelated issues, but yet one causes the other to run into overdrive.
Trying to center myself through soothing music.
I poured so much love into everything about my family, and now i cannot remember the last time WW had told me she loved me without being prompted by me, it was so long ago. It might have even been in our vows, was the last time she said "i love you" without "Too" at the end of it.
It hurts to know that when she stopped loving me, it was so complete and instant, and its never, ever coming back.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
. At first, I thought it was your way of getting the anger out of your system. However, it begins to really affect the overall attitude about most everything around you. Plus, you are armed & ready for battle whenever you correspond with her. You are looking for every snare trap she sets. She is doing the same thing, and neither of you plan to let the other one get by with a thaaaaang. So naturally, the messages are going to have a sharp edge.