Can I really do this #3

[SteveLW]

Steve, i don't know if I am enabling my W by keeping in confidence between what parents are speaking about. When I think about it, I actually think this was a very unselfish act on my W's part. She was coming back from the "friend" side with my D and her friends and sharing parent to parent information about the teenagers and hoping we all can work together to make them better people and away from making huge mistakes.

Nothing for you to really do on this. But W needs to be an adult and tell D, "I told so-and-so's mom." Likely she won't but it is not like she is coming back from the friends side as much as she'd trying to be on the fence.

[sandi2]

It's kind of like whether or not to wear the wedding ring.......most see it as a personal decision. All of us probably have a view point about it, including me. I will save you the time of hearing my detailed opinion, b/c I think you'll probably do what you want to do, regardless of what somebody else says. Just bear in mind, you don't know what/who made her horny, but it wasn't you. Maybe that does/doesn't matter to you.....and I guess that's why it's a personal decision.

I would warn anyone to protect their health above everything else. Even if you aren't sure of a PA, if she has given a bomb drop.....then don't be bashful about reaching for a condom if she comes slithering across the bed in the middle of the night.

Turning away from that subject just a little bit, could you remind me if your W was molested as a child? (Sorry, my memory is slipping).

I may have already told you this, but I kind of suspect your W is involved with someone online (texting). She would view an affair online as "safe", where she can be whoever she wants to be in her fantasy......and, it can be at her own pace. Initially, she could even pass for a younger age, if she just sent a picture. (Eventually, he'd want to see live action). She might lie about a lot of things when talking about herself. As long as it is online, she doesn't feel the pressure of reality. She doesn't feel pressured to have physical sex with him, and they can just engage in other ways. She may lead him on, talking about how she's going to get her own place, yada, yada. To her, it's all part of the dreamy new life she's planning. She can even pretend she doesn't have to deal with her chronic health problems, and OM may have no idea anything is wrong with her. In the meantime, she gets all the benefits of being M to you. So, this could go on for a long time.

[SteveLW]

sandi is spot on, as usual. And remember, if it is on EA she likely will not lift a finger towards D, but anytime you get to close to the EA (suspicious, actual knowledge or evidence) she will THREATEN it like crazy. This was my sitch to a tee. I initiated BD by confronting her with the evidence of her EA. She immediately went to "I don't want to be married any more. I am going to get a job, get an apartment and a divorce you."

Looking back, that might have been a fantasy she had, but I think a lot of it was a tactic to back off. When I resigned myself to it then it became to real and she started to back off of it.

Also confronting an EA with firm, controlled anger, and confidence ("I am not standing for this, I am going to D you if it doesn't stop.") goes a lot further toward ending the EA than the sad, woe is me, I'll do whatever you tell me response.

[Dtrmned]

Again, much appreciation to all that are giving their thoughts on this wonderful journey!

Sandi, first I always love your input and especially love knowing from where you are coming from. Yes W was molested by her F when she was young. In addition, as she was trying to recover and rebelling through that in her late teens, after "leaving" her home, she had 2 instances where she was raped. All issues she is still dealing with today and they cause great pain to her.

I am almost certain there is no PA, just due to the health and time issue (not leaving in the evenings or on weekends, stuck with the kids, no time to see anyone else, etc.). There may be an EA, but not certain to this as it may just be a "close" friend that hasn't crossed the line. One other thing I want to mention is that my W hates men. Period. One of her favorite expressions used to be "I ate men, except you baby". If she were to have a PA or an EA, I am almost certain she would jump across the fence and it would be with another woman. Just my thought, and nothing concrete other than 20 years together and prior to this WW thing, knowing who my W is. I also believe that if this happened, that it could not be a long term sustainable relationship.

If/when I discover that a PA is happening, I believe I would be done. I can't swear to that, but I do think that would end it for me. EA's are tougher as they give the fantasy without the reality coming to it. I think Steve said it that reality comes between the sheets or something like that.

And, I might be just imagining this in my own mind. I have no idea. I am just db'ing as much as possible. Trying to not get lost in my head and head down the cheeseless tunnels. GAL as much as possible and look toward the future knowing that with or without my W that the kids and I will be fine.

[sandi2]

Yes, I remember now. Thanks for briefing me.

If she's in an EA, it may be with a female, which I now remember we have previously discussed. I think in some instances, it doesn't have to be sexual in nature, but women can become very emotionally connected to where it interferes with the other areas of their life. Women can have a powerful affect on each other.

Sorry, if this was all a repeat.

[Dtrmned]

Nope, not all a repeat. I appreciate the input Sandi.

I am truly doing my best to not let her past and our past describe or determine how I think she is feeling or what she may/may not do now due to her WW, but I can't help to take into account the HUGE past history prior to me that she still deals with on a daily basis. She has had counselors in the past, but I think with the onset of this issue of WW and wanting a D, it has brought it all back up.

I agree on the woman side with the EA. She will feel more drawn into a woman and the "friend" she has been talking to for 18 mos now is just feeding her into this delusional life that "may" be there. To the point of "Me and my friend are starting a company, I will give you a job paying $$$ per month, you can live off of that right?" Only for me to find out that both "partners" have ZERO capital to invest and they are looking for an "angel" investor without giving up any equity. FAT CHANCE and a pipe dream. W knows my experience and expertise and is very careful on sharing information since she knows I can pick it apart quickly and we all know she doesn't want that! So yes, woman friend is a huge issue. I don't know if there are any other friends out there, but this one is the big one as far as I know. If we were to begin working on our R, that would be the first thing that has to go. ZERO communication moving forward.

In a weird place today as you all can tell. Optimistic but also just waiting for another bomb to drop. I guess such is the life of a LBH and what we have to deal with as long as we wish to...

[arsh18]

JS, with veterans like sandi and Steve advising you, there is nothing a newbie like me can offer. Just stopped by to say hello and to show my support. I will continue following your sitch. Good luck

[Dtrmned]

Good Friday to all!
Thought I'd give a little update on the week.
VERY quiet week, just waiting for something to happen. W seems to relax for a few days, then she either feels too comfortable or gets in her own head and presses for something then never follows through so that is what I mean by that.

Preparing myself for that when a weird thing happened yesterday. I was making dinner and went to clear off the table. W had been there at the table, knew I was home, knew I was making dinner and had went upstairs for something. I went in to clear and set the table and she had left her notebook open. She was looking for counselors. Weird. I looked at the list and she had made a couple of notes. Nothing major and I didn't snoop beyond just reading the page she had left open. I did remember the names of a couple of them and just looked them up to see what kind of counseling they specialized in. Now ALL of them do couples and individual counseling so no big shocker there. The weird thing is that 2 of the ones she had notes on with whom she spoken with were actually christian based practices. With her views on organized religion being so bad, you would think she would have just crossed these out and not even called. I don't know if this is good (she is thinking about counseling for our R) or maybe she is just wanting an IC so they can guide her through her own detachment and moving on with her life. I couldn't say, but I see it as a positive sign either way.

It has been a difficult week internally for me. I have succeeded in not snooping (and you can tell me if you think reading the paper was wrong, but SHE knew I was there and she could have easily have hidden it or just closed it.). I have done well in my exercising and personal stuff this week as well.

Still interested to see what W and kids have planned for Father's Day on Sunday. I always plan Mother's Day and She always plans Father's Day. If nothing happens, I'll grab the kids and hit dinner and a movie. I have decided the day is going to be good no matter what. That I am not putting too much weight on what does or doesn't happen.

W is quiet and reserved. She initiated quite a few small convos this week. I responded politely and ended them quickly. I haven't texted or called her unless she did so first.

[AnotherStander]

JS, I wanted to comment on something you mentioned a few pages back, about her getting back in bed and holding your arm and stroking your face. It seems like since then you've been trying to read things into her activities to convince yourself that she's paving the way for recon. That might be the case, but probably not. WAS's put on their suit of armor after BD. They are more or less consistent in their new "cold and uncaring" attitude, but it's not unusual for them to slip now and then. I remember one time after BD I was playing with the kids and glanced at W and was surprised to see that look of love on her face, a look I had seen many times over the years but not after BD. Like I meant more to her than anything in the world. I remember thinking "oh wow, she's still in there after all!" But more often than not it's just a temporary feeling they're going through and doesn't mean anything. I'm not trying to dash your hopes, just trying to tell you to remember you're in this for the long haul and you need to maintain your path through all the little ups and downs. The downs don't mean it's over, but the ups don't mean you're out of the woods either. Just stick to your DB'ing.

[Dtrmned]

AS, I appreciate the input! Thank you!

I realize that I may be doing exactly that. I may be 100% delusional as she may be thinking or not thinking something totally different. I may be seeing things because I want to know that DB is having some effect on her and there may be a chance. I am doing all I can to hold everything together. Most of the time it is only Faith that is getting me by, every once in a while, Hope pops over to say hello. My instinct is to embrace it. I cautiously do.