Hi, I'm new to the site and have not even really told my story yet, but I've already hit a rather critical situation I have to address about my S3 and WW immediately.
Short version, the OM has sent me a letter, and in it at one point make the assertion that I cannot/shouldn't bar his presence around my S3. The affair was only disclosed 2 months ago, and my MIL, Therapist, I and close friends feel this is at least inappropriate, if not potentially dangerous for my son.
I'm been advised to seek legal counsel on the matter. Anyone have experience with trying to bar OM/W from the presence of your children? ESPECIALLY this early on?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I had to restate the boundary again today due to and upcoming trip in early July. It was met with exasperation, an edict that *I* have to compromise because I don't understand how respectful (ha!) she is about it (clearly this has happened before without my knowledge), and how I'm alienating people from group activities based on my fragile ego. Ego? Really? Ego?
How about my S mental, emotional, and physical well being?
I think you can google registered sex offenders in the residential area, and if he has been found guilty of such previous charges, it should show his name, etc. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you except call the local police dept or sheriff's office and just ask them if there's a way to keep him away from your child. Be sure to keep his text, in case that could be used as a threat. If OM has done nothing legally wrong, broke some probation.....or whatever, and if you and W are physically separated, I personally don't know how you can control who she brings around the child.
Talk to a lawyer ASAP.
Hope you will post your story soon.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree with sandi. I know lots of posters struggle with this. But "my W cheated with him" is unfortunately not a cause for him to be kept away from your children. We'd all like for it to be for obvious reasons. The problem is that we don't question anyone else our W might bring around our kids, especially one of her friends. Even if we don't know them that well.
Talk to a lawyer before escalating. If your W is WW she is more likely to bring the kids around OM just to spite you. Especially the more you "restate the boundary".
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It would be helpful if you could tell us more about your sitch, it's really tough to answer questions without some backstory. Are you separated and living apart, and W has OM over at her house all the time? In a situation like that, you can't prevent OM from being around your S unless as Sandi and Steve pointed out you can prove he's a danger to him. But if your W lives at home and is wanting to bring OM around, well clearly in that case you can establish a boundary and enforce it. So tell us more and we can help you more.
AS, Sandi and Steve are all correct, unless there is a credible threat posed by OM, what WW does with S3 when she has him is her parental choice. I struggled with this myself, as my WW had my S3 around OM 4-5 months before i even know about the affair. I know how hard this can be. Its awful to know some other guy is playing dad with your family. Your WW has made this choice, and unfortunately there isn't much you can do about that right now.
It has been one of the hardest things to cope with in my sitch,
Some advice. 1.)Dont badmouth WW or OM to S3, it does no good for you and will only hurt and confuse S3, which is already being done by the presence of a 2nd father figure. Be his rock.
2.)WW could potentially be doing this to garner a negative reaction from you. Dont give in to this. continue to be detached and business like. If you express your distaste for OM around S3 (which i personally wouldn't recommend) do so in a very factual, logical manner.
3.) Like AS said, detail your sitch so people can properly advise you.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I will try to compose my story as best as I can today. I understand there's no clarity of my sitch without it. Thank you so far for the suggestions and patience. The call is in to the Attorney. MIL has all the same concerns as myself, and has asked me to do the same as well. Possibly even more concerned..
Thank you OrangeK.. I do not badmouth either to my S. All it would do would be to generate confusion, and a bad example. This is that age he's setting all his personal patterns it seems.
As for the OM as a tool to goad me, I believe that is absolutely correct. It's only ever an issue to her when I'm not in agreement. Clearly I see now that that might be by design. Making a case on me as you will.
I'm struggling with making my story coherent. So much, so fast. It's hard to keep straight at times.
