What else would u suggest if i dont stand my ground even now?
I got the impression she was upset b/c you did not contest the D. Am I wrong?
Here's the thing, Nutcracker. I don't see how you can have it both ways........standing your ground (of no contact? Exactly what part do you mean?) and pursuing her with a contact message, asking her not to go through with the D. I"ve asked you to tell me what you really want to say to her in this message. You told me want to say something that helps you to move on..........and you have already said it. You said it in your last conversation.
Now, if you want to call, text, email.....or whatever, as a last ditch effort to stop the D, then we can try to compose some type of dialog. But you have to tell me specifically what you mean by standing your ground. What part would feel like a compromise? Would asking her not to go through with the D feel like a compromise?
Again,you have to tell me what you want to relay to your W. I can't just pull something out of the air when I don't know what you want.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well she is emotionally upset and feeling sad that I simply let her go without contesting. So she feels obligated to give money to me as I had worked hard my end to make her stand where she is ( she now earns twice if what i ear btw)
The reason i want to move on is I am frustrated and I am giving up this relationship. I have told every ocassion before and even during the last text conversation that I did not want this divorce and I never did. What I meant standing my ground is majority of time she talks she only brings up money matters which pushes my buttons. So i asked her to end it. Now she sen me the text in response to what i sent that both should not contact each other. If i contact her now its solely pursuit right? She knkws I want her back and she has told before not to mentuin that. And I am so confused. I am just following the LRT as I have nothing else left in this situation now. You guide me. Should i simply stay quiet and let this divirce go through or contact her despite her giving a warning not to contact her?
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Also Sandi2, she has some symptoms of Bipolar disorder. Her mather has it although she has not been diagnosed with it. She used to take some minor dosage of medication for another disorder dysthymia over a year ago and stopped it all of a sudden after which her mood swings intensified pretty badly. 70 % of the time in day she is angry cold and depressed. And she has rapid mood swings throughout the day. Very.low on energy and tired almost always. She has low self esteem too. So not sure how i can overcome all her imperfections and deliver my message to her. As she thinks pretty much that I am the cause for what she is like today.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
You want her to stop the D, and want her to accept her part of the breakdown, but to keep standing your ground? IDK how to word such a message, without pursuing.
You: " Would you agree to join me in seeking professional help to save our M?".
WW: "You said no more contact!"
You: "Will you consider stopping the D and work with me in getting professional help for our M?"
WW: "Will you admit everything is your fault?"
You: "Can we agree to not blame one another and get the help we need?"
At this point, it is getting very pushy. I just don't have the perfect dialog scenario for what you want. Maybe someone else is more qualified to word what you want.
My heart goes out to you, truly. In all honesty, I think you are feeling panic b/c the D date is coming quickly, and the realization is scary when you are so emotionally attached. You've not had sufficient time. Once it is official, then you might feel some emotional relief, IDK. At the moment, you feel desperate to "do" something. I think I can understand anyone experiencing those feelings.
I don't believe you've really heard the last from her. If nothing else, b/c of her mental issues and instability. I think she's having a difficult time, just as you are. You know, she tried to talk to you several times and you refused. You saw it as standing your ground? Anyway......if she calls again, maybe you will want to hear from her...or maybe you will want to move on.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I agree she did talk to me a few times and i listened and validated as much as possible. I did offer her professional help from a sex therapist. Forwarded her a case study of non consummation that he had sent me. She read it but chose to ignore the offer to join an independent session. Even during the last conversation i repeatedly reiterated to have a meaningful and peaceful conversation and she refused. So i am really in a dilemma and this makes me wonder what and how to proceed. At this time i dont want any acceptance from her. I just want her to realize what she is doing by burning these bridges. I am ready to forgive her and accept things the way they are.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Thanks Sandi2 and all the forum members who have supported me so far in these stressful times. This forum has a lot of info that gives strength and effort to rejuvenate broken hearted. So i hope down the line we will come out successfully.
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Your wife's personal disorder characteristics resemble some of mine that I faced with my wife. However, I don't know if you can call that narcicissm. My wife's mother (my MIL) is clinically diagnosed with bipolar mood disorder. And my wife shares some of those traits from her mother although she has not been diagnosed as such. But a few years ago she was diagnosed with dysthymia and she used to take SSRIs as medication. She was fine until she stopped it and became a walk away and now hates me. We had our own SSM issues that i have discussed in my thread which is partly my fault too. I will list some of her characteristics and see if these match your and let me know your thoughts-
1) She used to verbally and emotionally abuse me until i felt very downtrodden and crying. Only then she used to feel releived and console me. 2) Highly moody - she used to happy and moments later her mood swung to unhappiness treating me like dirt with abuse and discontent. 3) Never ever asked apology for anything wrong that she did. Expected me to apologize even for her faults / misdoings. 4) Sometimes disrespect me in public (not in front of friends) but general public by raising her vouce against me. 5) Didn't socialize with me or gel with me well. Whenever i approached her intimately she allowed me to be intimate with her but never ever allowed sex. Used to give some or the other lame excuse and postpone it. 6) Hardly expressed her heart feelings. Did not allow me to express any of mine. Never once asked me how i felt when i was sad or upset. Always assumed that i was sad because of her. 7) Used her family (parents and brother) to rally against me and threaten separation every time an argument happened. 8) very discreet with money- never allowed a joint account, didnt even change her maiden last name to mine. 9) most of all, no trust in her heart for me. Mostly suspicious. Thought i never loved her or cared for her. Even to this date she doesn't trust me. 10) Thought that i was gay at one point. She had lingering thoughts and had doubted me a lot quite some time until i gave an ultimatum and she fibally stopped calling me that. But i dont know if her suspicion still holds good. 11) One day During Separation, when i apologized and validated something to her - she said she was vored of hearing same things again and again and wanted to hear something new from me!!! 12) She never posted pictures of us together on facebook or any social media. She was may be ashamed of me or something. 13) worst of all every ocassion like our birthday, valentines or marraige anniversary was mostly a disaster as she used to pick up sone or the other fight / quarrel and make a miserable day out of it. 14) She said she never wanted to have a kid from a family like mine and if she ever did she would desert the kid in streets and leave me for good. This hurt me a lot. Fortunately she left me for good. 15) Hardly discussed about me with her friends. If she ever did it was generally neutral or negative. 16) on a positive note she liked my company, spendimg time with each other, going out together, however that spark was always non existent.
Do you feel your wife resemble any of the above characteristics? Do you feel these are narcissistic tendencies? Or do you want to list some of her characteristics you felt she was very narcissistic about?
Sandi2, Based on the info i posted in the other forum above, what are your thoughts? I know this doesnt change the outcome of divorce but you felt a bit surprised. I just wanted to know your opinion on why you felt that way?
M(35) F(35) T(6) M(6) BD 10/25/2017 S 3/12/2018 LRT 4/3 D Served 4/30 D Signed (Me) 5/1 D filed with Court 5/21 D Final 7/6 Moving on with life and doing lot of GAL since 7/6 :-)
Go read my reply on my thread. I am going to read your stich again from the beginning and chime in tomorrow.
Here are a few points.
Are you sure you understand "Validation"?
Your wife sounds very manipulative, and much more overtly so. Be aware of this.
You need to consider what Sandi said, What do you actually want? How are you going to get it there?
Divorce takes time, there are several opportunities to stop it moving forward if you choose to, if she wants a D, she will get one, if you dont, you dont have to. Honestly, worry less about divorce, it will happen if it happens and its not the end all be all. (i cant believe i just said that and meant it, damn things do change)
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
I contacted my wife yesterday by text casually and she didn't respond. I drafted a long farewell letter and sent it to her. Its a pusuing effort and I had to do it. The letter addressed many of her unanswered questions as to why I didnt make love to her and why i married her and why i took her to my native place. I made it clear that none of this was for ulterior motive and i mentioned i had lost attraction towards her over a period of time due to constant argument and fights. She read the letter and called me in a fit of rage. And went on about all the negative things in the letter. In the letter i mentioned that she had a personality defect that she cannot sense simple answers to explanations. She challenged me and during the time she even called me narcissist! I simply listened to her and allowed her to talk. Did not say a single word. She said that letter made her easier to move on as there was so much rubbish in it. And then she said she will see me in court on July 6th. Asked me if i had anything to say. I said No and she hung up. I processed her words for a while and decided to call this quits. So i texted her saying that it would be our last conversation and after divorce its better to not be in contact. So we both can move on respective lives ahead. As soon as i said that, she became belligerent and defensive and shouting. I disconnected the call and asked her to be peaceful so we can talk like adults and respectfully talk. Kept calling back and she was still belligerent. This went on for a while. I stood my ground by giving each other turns of conversation time. Initially she didn't like it but i trained her. And at one point when i truly meant to cut off the relationship and texted her goodbye, she called me and said that i am the one losing out and not her. And she requested some kind of contact and to let her know as soon as i move on so it may help her move on with her life. Otherwise she is expected to live a lonely life for a long time to come. She said since i am emotiinally stronger she expects me to at least send her a wedding card so that it can give her solace. I said i am not planning to keep any type of contact with her as she called it quits by filing for divorce. This went on for a while. I disconnected the calls whenever she went angry on me. Trained her to speak normally with me. And it really worked. Slowly she became emotional and let me know how much she missed me. She used to roam around the old marital home 4 or 5 times and cried deeply. I also said i missed her and i was at her apartment outside sometimes staring at her window without her knowing. But that will not make any difference. As sandi2 mentioned, she feels she felt unloved and made me lose my physical attention towards her because she felt she wss not attractive enuf for me. Why she would stay with me? She said her heart has formed a callous never to give me a husband's place. She can simply keep me as a well wisher and friend for which i am not ready. I said that i had been to therapy and it really helped. I expected her to also think about it. She said why i didnt advice all these 6 months time and why now? I wanted her to have enough space to think what she wants rather than blaming others. She said none of my friends even bothered to contact her. She was left lonely and struggled really bad in winters and snow. She was all alone. She was miserable desperate and craved for me and i was not there. Cries everyday and consoles herself. Feels lonely and miserable. She now hates me. I said i did not ask u to leave home and you made your choice. I still have feelings for you. But i cant force u to take a step back on divorce and its your decision. Not mine still. You need to at least trust me now. It apoears she thought i was the one who stopped our mutual friends to not talk to her for selfish reasons. But i told her that is incorrect. I wanted her to have enough space and time and make her own decision. Not sonething based on friends and family. Finally after a lot of back and forth conversations and heated emotional exchanges she agreed to meet my friends today. My request to hold off the dissolution for a month left unanswered and she still wants to aggressively pursue the divorce. I simply listened to her and validated her feelings with putting strong emphasis on mutual respect. It really worked. She even said the letter was so markedly different from another letter i had hid in my cupboard which had more of my true heart feelings. she had spied and read that and admitted to it. I was very surprised that she had done that. At the same time she was continually saying she has not observed any changes in me although she gave enuf time.
Anyways,i feel my wife is now exhibiting a lot of narcissistic traits. By calling me a narcissist she just projected her narcissistic feelings towards me. Although she might be narcissistic, i still feel she has strong feelimgs towards me and loves me deep in her heart. She could have manipulated me. Her self ego is too much. i feel after listening to her yesterday i should withdraw my consent to dissolution and start pursuing her as she was left alone. And be strong and confident in my pursuit. I have developed it. And i like that she can listen to me and have open communication with me. If she wants to pursue divorce she can file it herself. I will not stop her from it. At least if we need to separate we have to separate with hate and not through love. Forum members, let me know your thoughts.
