Not even sure where to start on this. I'm in the midst of trying to 180 and save my marriage from the big D.
I guess to start, I pushed my wife away. She may not have needed any help, but I certainly didn't do any favors. Last summer we found out we were expecting our 3rd. We didn't have insurance at the time and I think I stressed too much about it. I already had a drinking problem and for whatever reason my wife and I lost our connection. I started talking to neighbors, and ended up having a short lived affair. We went through the usual shouting "I don't feel loved anymore" and she was the one that didn't want to give up despite me feeling like it was over. Eventually she took our vehicle and kids and went to stay with friends. Took me about a week to realize my mistake and to end things with OW and another week before my wife decided to talk and make things work. This is where things got even more unfortunate and she had a miscarriage. It was devastating for both of us because it would have been our first son, but she held on to it more than I did.
In the short term, we both got jobs, she moved back in, we were close, I stopped drinking. She literally threw herself at me, like sex every day throw herself at me. What I didn't put together until later is that I think some of that was tied to me not drinking at the time. I had stopped cold turkey from years of drinking half a bottle a day. I think maybe she hoped that if she gave me everything I wanted, I'd never drink again.
A month or so later we sold our house and relocated closer to her job. We were going to counseling together. Things seemed to improve for a few months. I started drinking again. Just a little at restaurants, then a few nights at home. I made a very conscious effort to limit myself to one or two drinks per night and only a few nights per week. I saw this is a compromise with her when really I think she wanted (knew, more on that later) me to stop completely even though she never explicitly said so.
Fast forward to spring of this year. We stopped counseling because things seemed to be going better. Insurance had changed and we had to transfer to a new person within the practice. Given the seemingly good state of things I didn't want to restart things if it wasn't necessary.
Spring later turned a bit rocky, I missed the expected due date of our late son which I didn't realize she expected me to remember. Fights happened. I did everything I could remember from counseling to try and keep her happy. There were more fights. I later realized my "anger" as she would put it was more frustration with not getting through to her. I couldn't understand why she didn't respond to my needs when I tried to bend over backwards to keep her happy. I could tell things were off, but I was in the midst of a big change at work. I almost called and got a counseling appointment but didn't.
In late June I went on a business trip. A week before this she had picked a huge fight which seemed really out of character for her. I feel this was a setup for what happened next. Halfway through my business trip she calls me in an apparent attempt to end things. I abruptly ended the conversation saying I didn't feel it was appropriate to have when I was across the country. Little did I know she had spent the day moving out. I talked with her once or twice in the days after not yet understanding the gravity of the situation. Finally I booked a flight home a few days early. I raced home from the airport only to find our apartment completely empty. She left my things in my office, and one of the kids' bunk bed mattresses on the floor. No bed, no couch, no furniture, no table. It was all gone.
The next few days were filled with rage. I was angry. She had taken my kids and my life away from me. She wouldn't let me see my kids or tell me where she had moved. Eventually I realized that I had pushed her away (I was reading a book on couples communication I had ordered while waiting on my flight home). I immediately started to change. I stopped drinking. As the weeks progressed and somewhere around the 1 month point, I confided in her that I realized I needed to give it up for good. At this point she tells me a story about a late friend of ours that had been sober twenty something years. My wife had confided in her. The friend told her that I'd have to hit bottom on my own to realize and that my wife needed to hang in there. She'd hoped I'd realize before it was too late. This was something that my wife at no point had ever admitted to me, not even during our first counseling sessions.
It was about this time I finally got back into counseling sessions for myself. I had called within a day or two of arriving home but it took a few weeks for an open appointment. This gentleman was much better than the person we had spoken with before. He was also the one that recommended I buy Divorce Remedy.
At one point we were in the car together with the kids, she told me that I cheated on her because I hated her, that I was verbally abusive, and that she blamed me for the miscarriage. This was devastating. I knew I had an uphill battle. Given that her friends had convinced her of some of this, not only was I going uphill, but I had people throwing boulders at me on my way up. Most of this made it into the custody filing too-- I hit our kids (spanked, how I was raised), yelled, called them names, and drank.
The rest of the summer seemed ok. I was learning, and my wife even seemed somewhat open to maybe making things work. Eventually at the end of the summer I was able to move to be near my kids. I went from being an hour away to 3 blocks away. Unfortunately the custody arrangement has me seeing my wife almost every day of the week and while I love my kids and won't ever turn down an opportunity to see them, it certainly makes it hard to go dark and avoid her.
Communication seemed good for the most part, we were talking and friendly although there have been some apparent times she maybe didn't want to talk. There were other times we were on the phone together for an hour talking with or about the kids. The past month has been the worst and just the other day I decided I really needed to detach as best as I could and do a 180 from some behavior that wasn't working. She wanted 2 months to "be parents" ... I gave her over 3. Things seemed ok so I started trying some things. She said she hadn't been sleeping well, and while she has an excuse the nights our kids are at her house and wake her up (kid sleep issues), there's no excuse for her not sleeping the nights I have the kids. I figured it was worry about something-- maybe that I changed and she didn't expect that and that she had said some somewhat inflammatory things online and she'd have to explain to friends why we got back together if we did. I told her that I stood by her decision to move out because it was the best thing she could do at the time and it triggered my wake up. I said it felt like we still had some type of connection and that we'd go through it together and I had her back. At the time this seemed like a net neutral effect rather than negative.
About a week later she randomly dyed her hair and wore makeup which I found odd, but had no explanation for. A week after that happened to be the 10 year anniversary of when we met. I left her flowers and a letter on her porch. This seemed to be a big negative trigger. Her behavior changed. She avoided me a few days later on our actual 7 year wedding anniversary and had apparently called a divorce attorney again this week. Up to this point she had only filed for custody. Since Wednesday or so I've significantly curtailed communication other than about the kids. Though even just now as I type this she called to inform me that our daughter cut her hair (at my house) and seemed very blame-y towards me. I'm not sure what triggered this big wave of negative energy towards me after things seemed to be going so well. I'm sure she's getting some encouragement from family and friends who all refuse to acknowledge me.
My head is spinning and I feel trapped.
M:33 W:36 T:10 M:7 D8, D6 EA->PA (me) July/Aug '16 W move out 8/30/16 Recon M 9/7/16 S0 (miscarried) 9/13/16 W moved back 9/17/16 BD/WAW 6/24/17 while out of town Home to empty apartment 6/27/17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi Dmoy, I'm new and overwhelmed by my own husband leaving but I read your post. It sounds like you've been responsive to your wife and have made a good effort to work on the marriage and fix things. That's really nice you left her flowers and a letter. If you're doing all these things with good intentions I don't see why she's acting that way, but maybe she'll cool down over time or you'll find a way to ask her somehow.
All I can say if my husband did what you're doing I'd definitely be happy to work with him to fix the marriage.
Thank you for the kind words. I think I really just need to force the issue of detachment at this point. It's hard to do after being together for 10 years. It seems any time I bring up our relationship it's making her feel pressured and I need her to be relaxed so that we can move forward.
She had a rough weekend after our daughter cut her hair, then when she went to get it cut, she found out our daughter had lice. I went out and got supplies and had her bring the kids over later in the day and took care of it. My wife seemed pretty uncomfortable when she showed up, but after running back to her house to start laundry, asked if she should bring a pizza back. We actually ate together as a family for the first time in a long while.
Probably my biggest thing is overwhelming responses. I need to chill and not react too excitedly when things like this happen, or it'll be right back to pressuring her. I'll get there... and hopefully at some point she'll come around.
M:33 W:36 T:10 M:7 D8, D6 EA->PA (me) July/Aug '16 W move out 8/30/16 Recon M 9/7/16 S0 (miscarried) 9/13/16 W moved back 9/17/16 BD/WAW 6/24/17 while out of town Home to empty apartment 6/27/17
As for GAL, been getting out of the house when I can (I work from home), taking walks, and otherwise trying to find things to get involved in. Had the kids get involved a neighborhood cleanup program. Otherwise involved in their school (PTA) and other events.
I'm partially married to my job, which I'm trying to do a better job setting boundaries. I've got the kids every morning for about 2.5 hours before school, and after school 3 nights a week. I've got Mon/Wed evenings free after work usually, and Saturday evening along with Sunday afternoon/evening.
I took a drive Sunday afternoon to get out of a house a bit after church. Going to visit a friend next Saturday evening.
M:33 W:36 T:10 M:7 D8, D6 EA->PA (me) July/Aug '16 W move out 8/30/16 Recon M 9/7/16 S0 (miscarried) 9/13/16 W moved back 9/17/16 BD/WAW 6/24/17 while out of town Home to empty apartment 6/27/17
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I'm going to pass along some 2x4's but that's what you get when you come here. You had an A and you are an alcoholic. LRT and going dark are NOT for the person that had an A and has a drinking problem. You need to be going to IC, AA and doing 180's the likes the which the world has never seen. 180's that are GENUINE, not just to win your W back. You need to be present, giving and humble when it comes to your W. On top of your A and your drinking problem, your W (and you too) are having to deal with a miscarriage. Thats some hard $h!t. You need to be patient and empathetic with your W. She needs time to see the NEW Dmoy, if you really have changed. Do NOT bring up R talk. Your W can do that when SHE is ready.
Me: 48 y/o W: 47 y/o Together: > 20 yrs BD: Dec '15, then S 2nd BD: Mar '16, then I filed for D April '16: started piecing
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
No kidding. Haha. I've been trying to do this, but she may have accidentally seen it on Sunday when she was here dealing with the lice incident (earlier post).
Since ending most communication last Wednesday she's actually called me on the phone rather than text me at least 8 times since Saturday. We used to talk a lot on the phone when we were first dating. Not sure the significance at this point but just going to continue logging stuff in my journal.
M:33 W:36 T:10 M:7 D8, D6 EA->PA (me) July/Aug '16 W move out 8/30/16 Recon M 9/7/16 S0 (miscarried) 9/13/16 W moved back 9/17/16 BD/WAW 6/24/17 while out of town Home to empty apartment 6/27/17
Since ending most communication last Wednesday she's actually called me on the phone rather than text me at least 8 times since Saturday. We used to talk a lot on the phone when we were first dating. Not sure the significance at this point but just going to continue logging stuff in my journal.
Read up on pursuit and distance and you will understand that it is in ACTION in your post above.
