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A Message from Michele
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#2792608 - 05/29/18 01:41 AM Re: Worked my way up then fell of a cliff [Re: dmoy]
Steve85 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/09/18
Posts: 1468
Originally Posted By: dmoy
Well yesterday was interesting. Earlier last week W had asked about getting the kids early one day I had them. I pushed back and told her I wanted to get together with my parents this weekend and at the end of hashing out details on when, I ended up inviting over along w/ the kids. I didn't ask her again all week. She texted to ask when to bring the kids over yesterday afternoon and in my response I asked if she was staying at all since her text made it sound like she was just dropping them off. She replied and said she'd stay for a little bit.

She ended up staying for the entire time my parents and sister were here, seemingly having fun. She even brought some food my mom had requested. This was the first time she had seen my family since around Labor Day last year when my parents came to visit right after I moved. The were even group texting and sharing photos after.

I have no idea what is happening aside from the usual wavering back and forth.


dmoy, in my estimation this is a very encouraging sign. Most WASs want nothing to do with the LBS's family. You are right to attach significance to this. However, this changes nothing you should be doing. Nothing. I just told another poster here that the worst thing you can do when your WAS starts to show signs of interest, is to start pursuing, pressuring, talking about the MR, etc. See this is progress, which should encourage you to continue to detach, GAL, 180, and be the best you can be.

Don't ignore it, but don't read too much into, yet.
_________________________
M(49), W(50)
D(14)
M-19, T-21
Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017

No God, no peace. Know God, know peace.

Decided to give her 1 year to get her act together. I will file for D on 1/2/2019

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#2792638 - 05/29/18 02:57 AM Re: Worked my way up then fell of a cliff [Re: Steve85]
dmoy Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/17
Posts: 34
Originally Posted By: Steve85
dmoy, in my estimation this is a very encouraging sign. Most WASs want nothing to do with the LBS's family. You are right to attach significance to this. However, this changes nothing you should be doing. Nothing. I just told another poster here that the worst thing you can do when your WAS starts to show signs of interest, is to start pursuing, pressuring, talking about the MR, etc. See this is progress, which should encourage you to continue to detach, GAL, 180, and be the best you can be.

Don't ignore it, but don't read too much into, yet.


This was my take as well. I think I mentioned previously that she didn't want to come to my niece's 1 year birthday party about 6 weeks ago but then she was ok coming over this weekend. Maybe she thought there'd be more family at the other party. I definitely get the uncomfortableness. I'd be uncomfortable around her family as well.

My niece's birthday was back when things were good, like 2 days before the blow up where I pushed R and she told me she didn't feel the same way. It's been 6 weeks since that now.

Thanks for validating my suspicion though on the WAS/LBS family thing. I didn't try to pressure or pursue at all yesterday. Nor talk about R at all. I did however act cool and non attached. I made sure to thank her for everything and show appreciation, given that was one of the things she complained about 6 weeks ago.

She also made a point to show off her house last night when I went back with her and the kids. Apparently she spent the last day and a half with the kids cleaning every room. I, in turn, made a point to compliment her and a job well done.

Just gonna keep on keeping on.
_________________________
M:33 W:36
T:10 M:7
D8, D6
EA->PA (me) July/Aug '16
W move out 8/30/16
Recon M 9/7/16
S0 (miscarried) 9/13/16
W moved back 9/17/16
BD/WAW 6/24/17 while out of town
Home to empty apartment 6/27/17

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#2792751 - 05/29/18 07:03 AM Re: Worked my way up then fell of a cliff [Re: Steve85]
Steve85 Offline
Member

Registered: 02/09/18
Posts: 1468
Quote:
Entirely possible. Trying not to read too much into it.

But what's the play? If they want to be happy and appease just to get D finalized it seems like there's nothing that can really be done. Sometimes DB really seems a lot like a wing and a prayer.

Detach, fix yourself, and hope that W sees the change and decides to change course. But from the sounds of it, most of the time this doesn't happen and maybe it's more dumb luck. In the end you come through with change to yourself but that's like getting a consolation prize, tbh. "You're now single again and your kids will grow up in a broken home, but at least you feel better about yourself!"

Not trying to be negative, just realistic. Life isn't all unicorns and rainbows.


REPOSTING THIS RESPONSE IN CASE YOU MISSED IT

So you are looking to do something that will GUARANTEE your W stays with you? Good luck.

What DBing does is increase the chance that she will reverse course and come back to the MR. But yes you are right, it is just hope, there is no guarantee. I don't know what the percentage but I can tell you that the percentage of LBSs that move to R through pursuit, pressure, and the like is minuscule. Probably in the single digits at best.

DBing, done right, increases the odds your WAS will come around. But even that is just a chance, not a guarantee. The only thing guaranteed in this life are death and taxes. Not necessarily in that order.
_________________________
M(49), W(50)
D(14)
M-19, T-21
Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017

No God, no peace. Know God, know peace.

Decided to give her 1 year to get her act together. I will file for D on 1/2/2019

Top
#2792763 - 05/29/18 07:28 AM Re: Worked my way up then fell of a cliff [Re: dmoy]
ovrrnbw Offline
Member

Registered: 05/01/18
Posts: 183
Originally Posted By: dmoy
Well yesterday was interesting. Earlier last week W had asked about getting the kids early one day I had them. I pushed back and told her I wanted to get together with my parents this weekend and at the end of hashing out details on when, I ended up inviting over along w/ the kids. I didn't ask her again all week. She texted to ask when to bring the kids over yesterday afternoon and in my response I asked if she was staying at all since her text made it sound like she was just dropping them off. She replied and said she'd stay for a little bit.

She ended up staying for the entire time my parents and sister were here, seemingly having fun. She even brought some food my mom had requested. This was the first time she had seen my family since around Labor Day last year when my parents came to visit right after I moved. The were even group texting and sharing photos after.

I have no idea what is happening aside from the usual wavering back and forth.


That's good news. Keep "doing what works". Good luck.
_________________________
H 32
W 27
BD 3/12/18
Joined Forum 5-18
LRT began 5-4-18
OM discovered 3-20-18

Married 2 years
Together 6 years

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#2792764 - 05/29/18 07:30 AM Re: Worked my way up then fell of a cliff [Re: Steve85]
dmoy Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/17
Posts: 34
Originally Posted By: Steve85
REPOSTING THIS RESPONSE IN CASE YOU MISSED IT


I did read it. I just chose not to reply. wink

The post you had replied to was me just being grumpy that day. I've moved on, ergo your reply didn't warrant a response anymore. It was valid, but I had already come to that conclusion.

Thank you for the reenforcement though.

I read some of your thread a few weeks back which was the reenforcement I needed at the time. Your situation still good? I'm behind on reading here.
_________________________
M:33 W:36
T:10 M:7
D8, D6
EA->PA (me) July/Aug '16
W move out 8/30/16
Recon M 9/7/16
S0 (miscarried) 9/13/16
W moved back 9/17/16
BD/WAW 6/24/17 while out of town
Home to empty apartment 6/27/17

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#2795033 - 06/09/18 02:47 PM Re: Worked my way up then fell of a cliff [Re: dmoy]
dmoy Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/17
Posts: 34
Had an interesting curve ball thrown tonight. W told me that her landlord needs her out by the end of July. I tried to empathize as best I could and told her I understand. Told her that she was right to be frustrated at the situation. I tried to not jump in and "fix" the problem but did let her know to ask if she needed anything to let me know because it wasn't fair for her or the kids to suffer because of this. It seems like based on some of the empathy study I've done, it was working because it played out similar to some of the examples in the book I had previously mentioned in this thread.

Hopefully this at least helped connect. She's not the best communicator, and naturally this happened over text. I made the best I could of the situation so I guess we'll see what happens. Maybe she'll say something at church in the morning.

On the subject of communication, I had a funny (sad, actually) instance of where D6 picked up on W's bad communication this week. At drop off one morning I could tell W was ready to be done with the kids. I asked the kids after W left what happened and why W was upset, if they weren't listening. They said they were and weren't listening that morning. Then D6 said W got mad because she didn't put on her shoes to leave. "Mommy didn't ask me to put my shoes on. She asked me if those were the shoes I was going to wear today!"

Just an example of her non-direct communication and even the kids know.

I calmly explained to D6 that mommy sometimes isn't the best about being clear what she needs and that D6 should know that she needs to get her shoes on when it's time to leave so that Mommy doesn't have to ask. My poor kids are even confused sometimes. Hopefully they can at least learn to ask for what they need. tired
_________________________
M:33 W:36
T:10 M:7
D8, D6
EA->PA (me) July/Aug '16
W move out 8/30/16
Recon M 9/7/16
S0 (miscarried) 9/13/16
W moved back 9/17/16
BD/WAW 6/24/17 while out of town
Home to empty apartment 6/27/17

Top
#2795227 - 06/11/18 02:29 AM Re: Worked my way up then fell of a cliff [Re: dmoy]
dmoy Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/17
Posts: 34
With W having to move again, do I have any options here? I'm assuming mentioning of letting her move in with me, even if just for the sake of cohabiting to get finances in order, give the kids stability, etc is probably off the table?

Not really sure what play I have, if any. Though standing back and seeming someone passive while she has to find another place to live doesn't feel right either.
_________________________
M:33 W:36
T:10 M:7
D8, D6
EA->PA (me) July/Aug '16
W move out 8/30/16
Recon M 9/7/16
S0 (miscarried) 9/13/16
W moved back 9/17/16
BD/WAW 6/24/17 while out of town
Home to empty apartment 6/27/17

Top
#2795774 - 06/13/18 10:28 AM Re: Worked my way up then fell of a cliff [Re: dmoy]
dmoy Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/17
Posts: 34
Kids may have let is slip that W may have already found a new place to rent. I'm guessing at this point the ship very well may have sailed on her ever considering R.

Guess I should expect to get served with papers in the next month.

Unfortunately due to mixed signals it's so hard to tell. Lack of communication doesn't help at all either. Supposedly still getting put on her dental insurance in a few weeks so I have no idea what's going on.

No figuring W out. Back to working on ME. smile
_________________________
M:33 W:36
T:10 M:7
D8, D6
EA->PA (me) July/Aug '16
W move out 8/30/16
Recon M 9/7/16
S0 (miscarried) 9/13/16
W moved back 9/17/16
BD/WAW 6/24/17 while out of town
Home to empty apartment 6/27/17

Top
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