Have your own party without the W. Her wanting to come home and do that is some serious cake eating. She can have another party for your D somewhere else some other time if she wants. She needs to feel the loss. Remember, she fired you from being her H...
Thank you MTB, makes perfect sense as I have been fired. Time to plan my first birthday party for D5. Pool party with pizza, basketball, water balloons and squirt guns here we come! Looking forward to a stress free fun party where kids can be kids and MIL and WW won't be on the guest list this year.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
Natash, awesome plan. Go crazy planning the party without your W, make it the best your D5 has ever had, god only knows the kids deserve every additional dose of happiness. Think of things she will enjoy with her friends, what she is really into these days make that the theme of the party. Ask your D7 for help, this can be a daddy-daughter project and she can give you some great insight into what D5 might enjoy. Make it a day you all cherish forever, oh and yes sorry your W was not invited, you were too busy to remember or miss her
Thanks Arsh, I love it. I already bought the water balloons and while reading your response realized I've got to get a pile of fake tattoos..D5 and her friends love them. Tomorrow night I plan to inform WW I'm planning a party on my own. Next up, gifts and invitations.
On a different note, I've been contacted this week by two different friends. One knows what has been going with WW and I and the other just found out. Both suggested we grab a beer soon and catch up. I'm looking forward to it.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
MTB and Lone Wolf, thanks for the comments and support!
Tonight i made an Italian pasta salad per D7 for the first time and grilled and ate by the pool with D's. D7 loved the salad so I did all right. Came up with a list of kids to invite with D5's help. Designed the photo invitations tonight and started some online shopping. I never imagined in my wildest dreams I'd be think of myself or be a single dad...let alone the one doing things my W always did... but I got this! I love challenges and us much as this sitch [censored], I'm learning from it and will come out a more rounded person at the end.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
I think tonight might be the first time in over half a year that I am, well how's the best way to describe it,in a better place or doing better than my WW? I know she is at a low/dark point in her life but until recently it seemed she had all the control and power over things. Since she has moved out, I feel as if I'm moving on. I don't know if that will be with her or without her but Im improving and moving forward.
My girls and I have fun every day that we are together. They have become better listeners and I am working with them when they get upset (common to bicker with each other) for whatever reason to explain why they are upset and talk through it vs just shouting something while getting mad (like stop!). Our relationship is better than ever.
So last night WW sent me three texts about getting D5s ears pierced for her birthday and a family BBQ at school tonight. I chose to respond this morning with "thank you for the updates and regarding D5s birthday, I am on my own planning a party for her. Instantly she responded "I already figured that! Have fun" Then two hours later while we were both at work she sends me a text "I would love to attend her party!" I didn't respond but thought oh I bet you would!Instead she will miss out on the fun, the memories, the friends (some of whom will be wondering where's Mrs.Natash? I wonder why Mr Natash planned and put on the party by himself?)
Tonight I took Ds to the school math night and family BBQ. After we picked up the photo invitations I had made (first time doing something like this and they turned out well). Tonight on her nightly call to mom to say goodnight, D7 told WW we got the invitations, what they looked like and when the party was...then she asked her if she wanted to come! D7 said w said she'd talk with me first. By the time D5 got the phone to say good night, I heard her ask mom why she sounded like that?then she said are you crying? I struggle with what to say and what not to say to D's regarding the sitch but I did tell D7 it was not her place to invite Mom. I know they are in a hard spot and they are excited for the party to boot. So it appears we was crying tonight and maybe for the first time, WW is feeling real pain from her choices made. I have been told commennts on FB from OM have almost stopped, as with him liking everything W posts. Yesterday W posted a pic via Snapchat of her with some devil ears and tail and OM posted "agreed" (from what I'm told, I don't follow fb close and om has blocked me so I can't see his comments) These little things coupled with a few other posts regarding self reflection make me wonder if the A isn't going as well as it has been? Or has WW noticed I'm working at moving on? I don't know and don't want to read into things too much as none of it really matters unless WW takes some responsibility and shows some remorse. I'm just sharing my observations.
What would a real man's / non MNG response to a possible question regarding attending D5s party look like? I may or may not be approached with it but I'm thinking about saying "You made it apparent by moving out that you do not want to be part of this house and it's activities, let alone the family that lives in it therefore you were not invited to the party"
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
What would a real man's / non MNG response to a possible question regarding attending D5s party look like?
WW: "I would love to attend D5's BD party".
You: "Considering our current arrangement, I think it would be best if you didn't".
WW: "You really mean it's best for you! D5 asked me to go to her party and she'll be crushed if I am not there".
You: "This situation has not been easy for any of us". "I'm sure D5 would not object to having two BD parties, if you want to give her one for your family & friends to attend. My family & friends will be attending this one".
WW: "You are a selfish jerk!"
You: "Okay, bye"
I am not the best at wording dialogs. The thing is, your WW practically invited herself, which is not appropriate. Allow her to experience the reality of her bad decisions to tear apart her family.
I am happy to hear you are doing much better. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you Sandi, I like the dialogue you mocked up. I haven't had to use it as I believe WW gets the hint that she has forfeited her welcome and will not be invited.
I had a great weekend. Friday night I got free tickets to a a Whitesnake and Foreigner concert an hour away. It was great and I'm glad I accepted the invitation. Saturday I helped my dad do maintenance on his boat and it's motor before putting it in the lake for the summer. Later on, I found out WW found out (via D7)I had bought a motorcycle. That coupled with me going to a concert (very rare) to see two bands she liked set her bitterness agoing. When I went to drop off my girls after being able to have them for a few hours on father's day, I hugged and kissed them goodbye. I didn't look at WW, let alone speak to her and she came up to the truck window as I began to back out. She snaps " so what did you buy me for a motorcycle, a Harley or crotch rocket or what? I said excuse me? She said " you heard me, that's marital debt and half that is mine and keep the kids out of this!" I said "the bike is like a dirt bike" as she turned her back and began walking away spouting something else. I said " Don't walk away from me while I'm talking. First you mention the bike, then you bring up the kids, what are you getting at? Ww said " D7 said you (natash) said you were doing things mom didn't need to know about and mom is doing things dad doesn't know about". I said " yes, when she first saw the bike she was all excited and was going to stop what we were doing to call and tell you. I told her not to do that and Mom will find out at some point about the bike. Then she said "but we don't keep secrets." I said you are right we shouldn't and it's not a seceret. There are times dad will do things that mom doesn't know about and there are things mom is doing that dad does not know about. (Now I realize there may have been a better way to say and handle this but it's hard for me to answer the questions from my inquisitive intelligent D7 that does not miss a thing without discussing too much, say the wrong thing or sound like I'm talking bad about her mom). At this point I'm acting calm and not reacting at all to my ww getting worked up. Then she says:
"well, I'm not doing anything! I'm not dating anyone, I'm not going out going to concerts (a false statement as she has been to two this year that I know of). I come home and find something to do".
I just smiled and said goodbye as I continued to back out. As I left, I realized I was caught off guard by her confronting me. I've been away from her long enough ilet my guard down. So I told myself, be prepared every time she is around. I also believe she was trying to play the guilt card on me. Oh poor her, she's not dating anyone (I suspect OM may have backed out of the picture some) and she knew I had a new motorcycle to enjoy and went to a concert (which was free but she doesn't know that). Poor her, oh my goodness, waahhhhh! I think what she was trying to communicate is that I'm spending all this money to have fun and she isn't (having fun or spending lots of money). I'm having fun (which has been inexpensive compared to running a home on a single income that used to run on two incomes) GAL and becoming my old self again. I'm more free and happier than I've been in months if not a year. My girls look forward to there time with me and never look forward to going back with Mom so for at the moment I believe what I'm doing is working. I will be better at the end of this journey wether it is with a recovered ww or someone else that I'm better off being with.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
Sounds like your wife is getting a taste of her own medicine. I find this update very interesting because your wife could have cared less how her actions affected you when she left but now she hears you're having fun and she doesn't like that at all. It's interesting to see how the tide has turned and following DB guidelines has empowered you whereas your wife's situation is deteriorating. If she's ever going to come back it seems it will be fairly soon as she hits rock bottom unless she's too far gone to go back to being a married wife / mom in her old role. Most importantly it's great to hear that you and your daughters are enjoying your time together!
Sounds like your wife is getting a taste of her own medicine...If she's ever going to come back it seems it will be fairly soon as she hits rock bottom unless she's too far gone to go back to being a married wife / mom in her old role.
Yes, thank you for the interest. I just had a good buddy (knows my ww and I well, was in our wedding,etc) say Man she's close to hitting rock bottom.
She is being persistent about the party, probably because the girls are all excited. Last night I bought them princess Tiras with sashes to wear at their birthday party and a pinatas to have fun with their friends. I overheard them telling WW about the pinatas during the nightly goodnight call. She texted me today "the girls invited me to the party this weekend..." Dot dot dot as in she was expecting a response. I was driving and didn't respond. Then I get "I don't see anything positive in me not going it only hurts them". Unreal, she doesn't see that it hurts them every other day now their family is torn apart. Here is the guilt card again, I'm supposed to feel bad and give in. The old Natash would have but the new Natash is going to respond "Due to the current circumstances, everyone has felt hurt. I have planned this party for D5 to have fun with her friends and my family. I'm sure D5 wouldn't mind if you planned a party some time for her with your family and friends. I did not send you an invitation, therefore you are not invited."
How does this sound?
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
Natash, I am getting excited about D5s party just reading about it! And walking out of WWs home while she was spewing over you was super cool. Your LRT is actually showing results I think. Now that her world is not what she imagined when she would be on her own and she sees you having a wholesome life without her she is questioning her decisions. Of course it is also her emotional vulnerability with the A not going well and meeting its expected end. Any emotions that the WAS gets to question their decision is a positive step, your WW is feeling left out, guilty and depressed. Well we all have learnt actions have equal and opposite reactions didnt we. It is okay to be caught off guard we cannot live a life of peace if we are high strung all the time but you seemed to have reacted perfectly. Good to know the separation is actually working out for you. I am able to tell the difference with your posts before and after the separation. You are really having a picnic while she is in her cold, dark castle, enjoy the sun. And just ask her to have her own party, say D5 would love having 2 parties instead of just one.
Thank you hongaku, Arsh, and V. I never knew what the Biff technique was so I looked it up. I like that and wish I had known about it earlier.
So the other day while I was working at a former nuclear power plant , ww sent me a text saying "the girls invited me to the party last weekend..." I was working and did not respond. Came to the board, got some advice. I got home and ate supper at 10:30 that night and started typing a response at bedtime. I was getting tired as I looked it over and it was 11pm so I said I'll wait till morning to send it.
Morning came and D7 called Mom to tell her D5 didn't have a big enough water bottle for field day. Ww texts me so I erase the response from the night before I was working on to reply to the most recent texts with questions and then the house phone rings. D7 answers and says dad it's mom and she wants to talk with you. I said hello? Ww says " do I need to return home and get a water bottle?" I said no. WW" well D7 called and now I'm in the middle and I hate this" as her voice continued to get louder and louder and louder. I said "ww you need to lower your voice if you want to continue this conversation with me" she replies "excuse me mr.perfect" and lowered her voice. I said like I was saying, D5 is all set. I have given her my water bottle for the day. Ww says "well I'm so used to doing this I have been the one having to provide for them over the last seven years". I said "really, you gave been the only one providiy for them these past 7 years?" Ww responded. Goodbye, and I said bye. Looking back I probably should have said that. Maybe should have validated her thought? I think she was trying to explain what she was use to and how she felt now but I immediately took it as an insult like I have not been providing for my kids. Later that day, ww texted me saying sorry about this morning.
So I decided I would text WW Friday night letting her know I had addressed all of her texts but the one about the party. I decided to do it on Friday when the girls were with me. I didn't want ww discussing or questioning or getting the kids involved.
Well, it never got that far. Today the girls had no school so the plan was ww would have them until 11 and drop them off at my work. Ww comes into shop to drop girls off and immediately D7starys in about mom wanting to go to the party. I said "d7 please, I was talking with your mom about sunscreen and I can only listen to one person at a time" as we were walking out the door (ww following). Again D7 said the same thing and ww said " it's ok, it's a no because he never responded." I turned and looked at her and said "feel free to have a party for d5, this one is for d5s friends and my family this weekend". Now what I'm about to type is the main reason for updating here tonight...I couldn't believe it. Ww says "oh believe me I will and this isn't how you go about getting someone back!" I said "what are you talking about?" She said " you make it out to my friends that we are working on things and talking" I said absolutely not. She said "well I try to talk to you and you don't talk" (nonsense, I don't understand or believe this for a second as no effort has been made on her part). I said to ww " I told you in February if we don't talk and work together we will grow further apart and you never had a talk with me once until the day you moved out. Ww says "no more like 26 conversations we had" I said yes and everyone of those I initiated and you only initiated one and that was on the last day. Remeber, you are the one who moved out" She responded "well sometimes you need to step away and take a break for a bit" When I heard this I knew I had to get in my truck because I knew next I would be saying that's not how a marriage works. You don't step out, step away, cheat etc when things get tough or your not Happy."A relationship conversation in the parking lot at work in front of my kids was the last thing I wanted today so I got in the truck. The conversation was calm but I could tell ww was irritated and acting as if I'm supposed to beg her to come back. Ww came over to the truck and mentioned sunscreen again. So the conversation came back to the sunscreen I needed.ww says I'll buy you another bottle. I said im capable of that but it's not the point. I had just bought a bottle and told d5 and d7 that I want it to come back to me with their school bags (so I could store the bags for the summer and have sunscreen for around the pool). Ww says I did not know that. I said ok I need to get going so we parted ways.
So I take the girls home. They are swimming and I've got my shirt off working on my tan on a beautiful blue sky day while sipping a beer and in the backyard comes ww. She went to her parents house to get the school bags and sunscreen before heading to work. I thanked her and then she noticed a bench by the fire pit I just rehabbed. She said is that new or the same old bench? (I had asked her late last summer to freshen up the bench and she never did so I pressure washed it,scraped off the pitch and painted the metal legs a textured black and the simulated wood vinyl a satin brown). I said it's the old one. She said wow that looks brand new, it looks awesome. I said thank you and she left.
Tomorrow is clean and prep in the morning. In the afternoon I will be giving d5 her gifts and then we will go out to eat for a birthday meal and Sunday will be the fun party!
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
Seems like some provocative testing behavior on her part to try and get you into an argument...
Just keep working on keeping your cool and doing what you are doing. Perhaps she is beginning to stop running and starting to slowly turn around to pursue you now. Either way, your DBing is clearly having some kind of effect your W. Keep it up!
M: 40 W: 37 T: 20 MR: 13 S13, S9, S4 BD: 1/29/18 Sep: 4/23/18 (I moved out) 8/24/18 I come home, she moves out
If you want to get out of the hole, drop the shovel.
Well the party went well and was a hit. The weather, food,friends and pool was great!
On a different note, WW has kicked it up a notch today via texts and I believe she is hurt that she was not invited to the party. This afternoon while working I got a text WW: D5 has a dentist appointment at 4:30, do you want me to bring her?
Tomorrow is my day with the girls so I simply respond "no".
WW: No...thank you? I guess answering her question with a simple no answer was not polite enough. Ww: You know this whole time apart has made this/us worse. You comment the other day was you weren't looking for us to get back together. This isn't making me feel what I'm missing or wanting to come back. Instead it's the complete opposite.
The comment she is referring to is my response to her "this isn't how you work on getting someone back" and I agreed and said that's not what I'm looking for (I need her to show remorse and work to come back, not the other way around and me get her back)
So I'm at work and can tell she wants to get into a text convo which would lead to a R discussion. I almost responded "I'm sorry that you feel that way" but held off and wanted to bounce it off the board. So just recently get a text:
WW: I think maybe we should figure out maybe being done.
Ww:I don't see this going anywhere.
I haven't responded for a few reasons. One this is a night the girls are with her and she should be focused on them. Getting into a R talk when they are awake is not fair to them. I also want to come across strong and confident and in a way that she sees I'm letting her go. I don't believe divorce is the answer but I'm not going to help her with it nor stop her.
Do I hold off and respond after the girls are in bed or ignore the text as it does not have a question?
I feel she wants to express her feelings and is still having a difficult time starting an adult mature conversation telling me how she feels so she does it with these quick texts here and there.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
Well the party went well and was a hit. The weather, food,friends and pool was great!
On a different note, WW has kicked it up a notch today via texts and I believe she is hurt that she was not invited to the party. This afternoon while working I got a text WW: D5 has a dentist appointment at 4:30, do you want me to bring her?
Tomorrow is my day with the girls so I simply respond "no".
WW: No...thank you? I guess answering her question with a simple no answer was not polite enough. Ww: You know this whole time apart has made this/us worse. You comment the other day was you weren't looking for us to get back together. This isn't making me feel what I'm missing or wanting to come back. Instead it's the complete opposite.
The comment she is referring to is my response to her "this isn't how you work on getting someone back" and I agreed and said that's not what I'm looking for (I need her to show remorse and work to come back, not the other way around and me get her back)
So I'm at work and can tell she wants to get into a text convo which would lead to a R discussion. I almost responded "I'm sorry that you feel that way" but held off and wanted to bounce it off the board. So just recently get a text:
WW: I think maybe we should figure out maybe being done.
Ww:I don't see this going anywhere.
I haven't responded for a few reasons. One this is a night the girls are with her and she should be focused on them. Getting into a R talk when they are awake is not fair to them. I also want to come across strong and confident and in a way that she sees I'm letting her go. I don't believe divorce is the answer but I'm not going to help her with it nor stop her.
Do I hold off and respond after the girls are in bed or ignore the text as it does not have a question?
I feel she wants to express her feelings and is still having a difficult time starting an adult mature conversation telling me how she feels so she does it with these quick texts here and there.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
I responded "First off, thank you for telling me how you feel. Secondly, if this conversation needs to continue I will not participate via text. I feel it is best to address the above statements in person without the children being present.
WW just responded "that's fine, you made it clear that you didn't want me back if you feel we should discuss this let me know"
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
If your end objective is to reconcile, I certainly cant tell from what youve written here. You sound cold to me and as though you are perceiving yourself to be in a one up position in response to her showing signs wanting to have a R talk.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
Being detached vs cold is so hard to decipher, I actually thought Natash was doing well, by being just in his own world but I am a newbie, have made and making same mistakes. May be the text was a tad bit long Natash, I know you are trying to validate but may be it is better to just say politely enough that you rather not do this via text? Just my thoughts..
I am by no means a veteran poster either. A big parallel here is to treat them like a cashier, pleasant. I dont think I would be inclined to keep talking to a cashier that was speaking to me that way, I didnt sense any friendliness at all honestly but I am also on the sensitive side. My comments also took into consideration some of the things you said Natash that werent said directly to her, for instance when she should and should not be sending texts im very sensitive to that kind of oversight. Unless she has a history of neglecting her kids, its a little excessive in my opinion and makes it sound like you are seeing yourself in a one up position.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/26/1801:31 PM. Reason: restored post
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
If your end objective is to reconcile, I certainly cant tell from what youve written here. You sound cold to me and as though you are perceiving yourself to be in a one up position in response to her showing signs wanting to have a R talk.
Thank you for your observation, I did not realize and do not want to sound cold. I've struggled with NGS in the past and wanted to come across as brief and to the point. I want to reconcile only if and when she ends the affair and shows some remorse. I feel like I'm doing well with detatching and every advise I've read says stay clear of R talks.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
Being detached vs cold is so hard to decipher.... I know you are trying to validate but may be it is better to just say politely enough that you rather not do this via text? Just my thoughts..
Yes it's hard to decipher and sometimes hard not to act cold when being detatched. As far as the texts go, I can't win because she continued texting (even after my last message stating it would be best in person because texts can be taken or deciphered in different ways).
The last message stated there is nothing to talk about: "I don't think there's anything to discuss after the 16 plus talks we have had already and after your recent display in front of them again that you don't want me back.
IF you felt differently then we would've had our daughters bday party TOGETHER.. but he didn't want that."
I started to respond and then said nope, I've already told her this should continue in person and I need to stick to what I said.
The "16+" conversations was more like 6 until I realized what persuing was and stopped initiating all R talks. Keep in mind that was several months ago and before our physical separation. I take that comment as she has no interest in talking about herself to me and what she has learned or we have felt or learned, etc. All this is coming from a mom who the night before our D5s birthday party told D7 she was at OM house watching a movie. Now because she chose to step out from the MR and separate my life with her and my life with my kids Im the bad guy for not wanting her back and having a party together?! I call that cake enough and I've had enough of that from her.
So how do I continue on detatching/dropping the rope AND keep an open line of communication available? I believe a big hurdle my WW has is talking about her feelings to me and if she starts telling me her feelings I think it is a step in the right direction...am I wrong?
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
Natash, I didn't successfully reconcile with my husband when he returned the first time so I'm not an expert in this area. I'm curious to see how your situation plays out because you're taking a strong approach and your wife is probably a bit surprised by how you're speaking to her now compared to previous times. She probably didn't expect when she left that she might not be welcome back. Or maybe she didn't think about it at all and now she's surprised that she wasn't invited to the party and your texts have a cold tone. All I can say is if I were in your shoes, I'd do whatever puts your daughters' best interest first. The best outcome for them would likely be two parents who reunite and love each again as husband and wife, but we all know that your wife would have to want that as much as you and work towards proving herself again. Currently it seems you and your wife are both not sure if you want that.
One mistake that I feel I made when my husband returned the first time was talking about how much work it would take to fix our relationship. I didn't really accept my husband's apology and I kept punishing him when he came back while I waited for him to show true remorse and work to fix everything. Now I know all this approach did was create tension and further resentment. You have an opportunity to hear to avoid the mistakes that many others have made. It's worth taking your time to think about what actually happens during the reconciliation process and whether you really want to go through it. It's both a blessing and a curse because you dreamed to have your wife back but you also don't trust her at all during the early stages.
If you and your wife want to try again, and remember many of us dream to be in your shoes where your spouse reaches a turning point and may be considering reconciliation, it seems conversations might be best focused on re-connecting in general at first. You two could have lunch to talk about your kids' accomplishments, funny things they've done, the great hobbies you've been pursuing since she left and how you're doing much better now, stuff happening with mutual friends and in the community, etc.. You could always switch gears and say you don't think either of you are in a position to get back together right now nor divorce, so you prefer to see how it goes by just spending time together as a family, for your daughters' sake, and perhaps lunch once a week alone to talk in person instead of all the texts. Perhaps removing the pressure and seeing if the interest is there on both sides based on light conversation and body language might be helpful. Maybe your wife will really want to talk about the relationship and you can always listen and consider what she has to say without making any decisions at this stage.
I agree you shouldn't entertain cake eating behavior nor should you allow yourself to be trapped or guilted by your wife after all that she's done. That's so unfair when someone who walks away tries to make you the bad person or takes advantage of you. It requires a lot of emotional intelligence and a delicate approach trying to navigate communication with your wife at this stage. I really do hope it goes well and she does the right thing to win you back. It would be amazing if you could be a family again someday.
let me get this straight? She is active with OM, but she is saying it is YOU who does not want to make it work?!
So, she is only willing to drop OM if she can ensure you back?
What you need is boundaries. "I do not want to be back with you as long as you are involved with OM" Simple. "we can entertain family parties together if there is no OM and you re willing to work on the M"
But right now, as she is in an active A, she has cojones to say what she did to you. IMHO.
Natash, I didn't successfully reconcile with my husband when he returned the first time so I'm not an expert in this area. I'm curious to see how your situation plays out because you're taking a strong approach and your wife is probably a bit surprised by how you're speaking to her now compared to previous times. She probably didn't expect when she left that she might not be welcome back. Or maybe she didn't think about it at all and now she's surprised that she wasn't invited to the party and your texts have a cold tone. All I can say is if I were in your shoes, I'd do whatever puts your daughters' best interest first. The best outcome for them would likely be two parents who reunite and love each again as husband and wife, but we all know that your wife would have to want that as much as you and work towards proving herself again. Currently it seems you and your wife are both not sure if you want that.
One mistake that I feel I made when my husband returned the first time was talking about how much work it would take to fix our relationship. I didn't really accept my husband's apology and I kept punishing him when he came back while I waited for him to show true remorse and work to fix everything. Now I know all this approach did was create tension and further resentment. You have an opportunity to hear to avoid the mistakes that many others have made. It's worth taking your time to think about what actually happens during the reconciliation process and whether you really want to go through it. It's both a blessing and a curse because you dreamed to have your wife back but you also don't trust her at all during the early stages.
If you and your wife want to try again, and remember many of us dream to be in your shoes where your spouse reaches a turning point and may be considering reconciliation, it seems conversations might be best focused on re-connecting in general at first. You two could have lunch to talk about your kids' accomplishments, funny things they've done, the great hobbies you've been pursuing since she left and how you're doing much better now, stuff happening with mutual friends and in the community, etc.. You could always switch gears and say you don't think either of you are in a position to get back together right now nor divorce, so you prefer to see how it goes by just spending time together as a family, for your daughters' sake, and perhaps lunch once a week alone to talk in person instead of all the texts. Perhaps removing the pressure and seeing if the interest is there on both sides based on light conversation and body language might be helpful. Maybe your wife will really want to talk about the relationship and you can always listen and consider what she has to say without making any decisions at this stage.
I agree you shouldn't entertain cake eating behavior nor should you allow yourself to be trapped or guilted by your wife after all that she's done. That's so unfair when someone who walks away tries to make you the bad person or takes advantage of you. It requires a lot of emotional intelligence and a delicate approach trying to navigate communication with your wife at this stage. I really do hope it goes well and she does the right thing to win you back. It would be amazing if you could be a family again someday.
This was great to read Nicole, I feel you were spot on in every way and appreciate your insight and advice. Thank you. I may invite WW over some night after work for a BBQ and swim with the girls and I. We can see how it goes spending some time together as a family. I have always been hesitant about this as I do not want to pursue but I want to show her that I am a husband only a fool would leave.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
let me get this straight? She is active with OM, but she is saying it is YOU who does not want to make it work?!
So, she is only willing to drop OM if she can ensure you back?
What you need is boundaries. "I do not want to be back with you as long as you are involved with OM" Simple. "we can entertain family parties together if there is no OM and you re willing to work on the M"
But right now, as she is in an active A, she has cojones to say what she did to you. IMHO.
Yes, as far as I can tell you got it right. I agree I need a boundary or two and plan to send her a message tonight stating that boundary. I have been thinking about it and now after reading it, I think it is exactly what I need to do. Two simple sentences and put the ball in her court while I continue GAL on days I do not have kids and enjoying the days when I do have my girls. Four weeks from now I will be having another Birthday party for D7 so it will be interesting to see where things go from here.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
She will probably bring up D7s bday party soon or to one up will actually organize one herself before you can start thinking and discuss this with the kids. It is okay to let her know that as long as OM is involved you are in no way trying to keep her, let alone win her back. She is no prize at this point in time. How much do your Ds understand about the OM? They are still young but D7 may have some idea at her own level.
Somehow I didn't catch that OM is still in the picture. For some reason I thought I read that they broke up but I think I may be mixing up threads. If he's in the picture then everything I said was completely wrong so it's good you got other better advice!
How much do your Ds understand about the OM? They are still young but D7 may have some idea at her own level.
I don't think she understands. She has mentioned him as Mom's friend who we went out to eat with. I wouldn't be surprised if she has seen him a handful of times but she doesn't talk about it and I'm not going to bring it up. I do know routinely D7 wants friends to come over to BBQ or swim and it doesn't matter to her if they are her friends or mine. It's usually last minute when she asks so I ask the friends and they can't as it's last minute. So I explained to her we need to plan these things ahead of time so she won't be sad and miss the people that couldn't make it. I explained sometimes even when planned ahead they may not be able to one over and we'll miss having them and D7 responded "like Mom,I miss my Mom being here" I responded I understand pumpkin, we do miss Mom.
Originally Posted By: NicoleR
Somehow I didn't catch that OM is still in the picture. For some reason I thought I read that they broke up but I think I may be mixing up threads. If he's in the picture then everything I said was completely wrong so it's good you got other better advice!
Thank you for catching that and clarifying. I started to get my hopes up after reading your response and thought " she sees WW wanting to reconcile more than I do, maybe I'm missing something. No worries though as I enjoy everyone's input and realize most of us are in the same boat looking for support.
Tonight WW stopped by while I was giving D6 and d7 bath. She dropped off new bathing suits for Ds to be able to leave at summer care. I thought she looked terrible and aged. Still had no patience and was in a hurry as if she wasn't comfortable being in her own home. She didn't have her wedding ring on and I probably shouldn't have but I asked her as I grabbed my ring on my finger and said is this when we stop wearing these? Her response was I don't have any Jewelry on. WW left without hugging or kissing her girls. It was sad to see but as I witnessed it I was telling myself I can not and will not be in a relationship with someone like that.
On her drive home I got a text asking if the new suits fit but it started out with "he said..". I figured she typed a response on my name and meant to send it to someone else (like she was reporting to someone else something I had said) She blamed it on the iPhone corrections and admitted she was naughty and texting when she shouldn't and was not paying attention. In the past she couldn't stand people on their phones while in a car. Her 17 yr old brother was killed in a head on collision right around the time my wife was just getting to know him well due to the age gap. They believe he was distracted by messing with the radio and crossed the center line. I know since BD WW is texting and driving more than ever. D7 told me mom got a holder to clip to the vent in the car dash to hold her phone to make typing easier. I called her out on it one day and told her stop texting when driving while the girls are in the car. At that time she said she was at a stop sign🙄. So I didn't want her to think I'm being a fatherly figure as in the past that is what she'd say if I told her to stop doing something like this but, I need her to think about her life and my daughters lives are more important than any text. So without knowing for sure he was driving and texting I responded "you are smarter than that and know better" she replied yes I do, I was almost home.
These past few days have been downers for me and I think it is because I thought DBing and my actions were going well and I was sensing some change but then got the text from WW telling me the separation is pushing her further away. I'll give it some time but I deserve better. This weekend I'm heading to the driving range with a buddy and possibly for the first time in years, my dad. Saturday I got invited to a classmates home for an all day party. She is having a BBQ, Cornhole, swimming, drinks and a campfire. I look forward to that and catching up with possibly my best friend from middle school who might be there.
Oh, before I go, I read today that every once in a while a lbs should show an act of kindness or love to the ww so she knows she is still welcome. Do you veterans agree? Then I got wondering if that is true, after I plan out D7s BD party and assuming WW doesn't try to invite herself, should I invite her? It would be awkward for the friends and family that know the sitch but I believe my wife would love it if she could join and see it as a kind gesture on my part as i know she looked forward to these summer time party's. This does contradict the tough love/we are separated playbook IMO.
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
I guess I got confused because I thought your wife was saying "I'm not dating anyone!" and you concluded that her affair didn't work out and she was starting to face the consequences of her decisions and hit rock bottom. How do you know the OM is still in the picture? Maybe he's not.
I think you could invite her or have at least a private family party in addition to the big one. Private meaning you, your wife, and your daughters go out to dinner together or have a cake and gifts together at home. I thought I read somewhere that family time is still acceptable.
I think your actions are going well. You do seem to be taking a very strong and cold approach though so I do think an act of kindness here-or-there might help. It doesn't mean you'd take her back easily. It just shows that you're still a good person and hopefully it'd be a reminder of what she's missing.
I guess I got confused because I thought your wife was saying "I'm not dating anyone!" and you concluded that her affair didn't work out and she was starting to face the consequences of her decisions and hit rock bottom. How do you know the OM is still in the picture? Maybe he's not.
My w did tell me a few weekends ago she was not dating anyone and seemed she was struggling. I do not know the status of OM but I do know the night before D6s Bday party she called to say goodnight to the girls and when they asked Mom where she was she said watching a movie (OM name) house. This is the first time she has admitted to where she was when with him and I think she was doing it to try to get dig in on me as she was upset over not being invited to the party. It was pointe out to me this week WW removed her married status from Facebook. Childish games if you ask me, what does that accomplish?
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I think your actions are going well. You do seem to be taking a very strong and cold approach though so I do think an act of kindness here-or-there might help. It doesn't mean you'd take her back easily. It just shows that you're still a good person and hopefully it'd be a reminder of what she's missing.
Thank you. A couple that is friends with my wife and I is picking my D's upearly from childcare and bringing them to my house to swim tomorrow afternoon. It is going to be like today, sunny hot and humid approaching 95 degrees. Then when I get home we will have a BBQ and campfire with smores if there s time.
I am interested in hearing from a veteran (Sandi2, Vanilla, AS, etc) if inviting my WW to the BbQ would be a bad move? I have very little interest in her being here but since i never use to coordinate a cookout I am thinking she would be able to see what she is missing out on and it would be a nice gesture on my part. I know the kids would enjoy her home but wonder if it would set them back after she leaves for the night.I believe when I have fun with my kids and their friends and parents it creates more resentment in my wife because she is missing out and doesn't see what she has done wrong. Everything wrong in her eyes is because of me is the vibe I get.
Update on journalling: This past weekend was awesome. I got my groceries doe Friday night. Saturday morning I did some yard work putting down fresh mulch around the trees and in the back yard. Then I cleaned and detailed my truck inside and out. Saturday afternoon I went to a BBQ birthday party for highschool friend down the road. The food and people was great. So was the beer, fireworks, Cornhole and campfire. The only downside was two of the young boys asked me when they saw me if my daughters were with me and I had to tell them no they were with mom. That night I got to hang out with my first best friend who I haven't hung out with in years, A year ago he ended a 5 year relationship after finding out his gf had been cheating on him often and it was refreshing to catch up with him. I also meet a really nice couple and a nice single female while there.
Today I put our Seadoo in the lake. Last year w and I talked about selling it. Then I decided for sure I would after bd and be able to have the cash if I needed it. But after today I realized I really enjoy it and I don't want to sell it to hear ww start in about half is hers or say I'm selling marital assets so I look forward to riding on the weekends I don't have my girls. Tomorrow is a BBQ, possibly a second BBQ on Tuesday. The 4th I won't have the girls but I am going to ask ww if I can pick them up via boat to be able to watch fireworks out in the lake (My parents as well as mil/fill have places on the same lake and we always have been in or at the water for the 4th since D's were born). Then Friday thru Sunday I've got a camping trip booked with my girls along with my cousin and his wife and three boys. The weather looks amazing and I'm looking forward to a fun filled relaxed week!
Me:37 W:42 T:14 yrs M:10.5 yrs D:7 D:5 BD: 1/6/18 OM Discovered: 1/29/18 WW moved out 5/12/18
