Advice for newcomer pre- bomb drop.

[Bern19]

Thanks for your input. I realize i need to work on keeping busy, was just looking for some downtime in front of the TV. Wasn't really expecting her to come and sit down. The fact that she wasn't on her phone the entire time got my attention, because that is her "security blanket". Just sitting there silently was uncomfortable to say the least, but didn't want to be the one engaging.

Since I have no evidence of a new EA/PA, and she hasn't come out and said she wants out, I'm struggling with the application of some of the rules. I get the feeling that the bomb drop is inevitable, but knowing my wife, she can sweep under the rug with the best of them, so who knows if/when she'll finally speak up.

In that sense, I guess my sitch is a touch different than most of what i've read. Everyone else had no clue it was coming and were blindsided. What isn't different is that I can feel the resentment and disrespect coming from her. I feel it's only a matter of time. Because she's a planner, and I exposed her behavior, she may not have all her ducks in a row and just isn't ready yet.

Do i suggest MC or encourage her to go seek IC once the subject is brought up? I'm in the process of searching for a counselor for myself right now. I know the rules say don't initiate Relationship talks, but how should i handle it if she brings it up?

[rexgm]

Lately, like i said, i've been having that feeling again that something was up. So I started snooping again and found an odd phone number with a bunch of texts. Used spokeo and was able to find out it was a cell number from a guy at her work. Now, this is an older guy, that I couldn't see her being into, but i confronted anyway. I asked her whose number it was, and she told me it was her friend "Tammy". I told her i knew whose phone it wasn't Tammy's and she then proceeded to tell me that this guy had loaned phone to Tammy because she was getting ready to file for divorce from her husband and was using the phone to send evidence to the attny since her husband monitored her phone usage.

Trust your gut, there is a reason why everyone has those gut feelings, because they are usually right. If you really want to find out, just ask for the password to the cell account. It is your acct also so there is no reason why you shouldn't have the password. She is not able to change those records so if she is reluctant then that should tell you everything.

Tried to have a heart to heart with wife. Talked about many things including sex life. Said she was just in a spot where she didn't desire it. When we did it, she said it was good but just was experiencing low desire.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but she just doesnt desire sex with you. Most likely the sex you are getting now is good, but for her it is a obligation which is never good.
She is going to try and keep you confused, because that will allow her to keep on doing what she is doing. I wouldn't believe anything she says and only half of what she does. You know she has desire, because you have seen it on camera, if she desired you, then when you got home she would of attacked you and taken you to the bedroom. But exactly the opposite happened, headache/not feeling well .etc.

She is also pobably upset because she wasnt able to put a plan in place to BD you.

You need to ask yourself, if this was a new gf would you put up with this behavior. I know I wouldnt, but that is something you have to decide for yourself. She has already said MC didnt work, so no need for you to bring it up. I would be proactive and BD her. Talk to a lawyer and get prepared, it is coming either from her or preferable from you with preparedness. The reason for the proactive BD is to hopefully scare her out of her current mindset. Problem is you cant look at it like that because if you dont mean it they will know it and it will do you no good. Do you want to put up with this disrespectful behavior?
It is probably safe to say she has already cheated on you. If she hasnt she was definately planning it.

I would start working on yourself. Hit the gym, hangout with friends. Dont invite her to any of it. The more you try to please her the more you will push her away. Do things because you want to do them, not because you think it will make her happy.

[sandi2]

Since I have no evidence of a new EA/PA, and she hasn't come out and said she wants out, I'm struggling with the application of some of the rules. I get the feeling that the bomb drop is inevitable, but knowing my wife, she can sweep under the rug with the best of them, so who knows if/when she'll finally speak up.

The 37 rules can be implemented now. You don't have to wait till bomb drop. I will be glad to help, if you'll tell me which rules you aren't sure about. The bomb drop does not usually include any admission of inappropriate behavior of the WW. She will probably tell you she doesn't feel "in love" with you, not happy, and either wants a D or is not sure what to do. Don't offer any advice or tell her you don't want a D or how you want to commit to working on the MR. You will want to.....but don't. Look her dead in the eye and tell her, "I will not agree to an in-house separation. If you want out of the M then you can get your things and leave". Think you can handle it? Don't beg her to stay. Don't agree to sleep anywhere else. Stay in the MBR and the marital home. If it happens in the next few days, don't try to discuss anything at that time. Wait until you can talk it over here. You need to get as much information under your belt as you can. I don't mean information about her & OM.......I mean information here on the board, reading about waywards.

If a LBH would react as if he is dumping the WW, instead of turning into a beggar and pleaser.......he would not have to go through near as much as we usually see around here. By reacting in a calm but determined way, like I have explained, it changes the dynamics. Don't believe her if she tries to soften you by suggesting you sleep on it, or giving her space & time......or any of that stuff. She's told you she doesn't feel in love with you.......so don't let her try and twist things around when she sees you aren't falling on the floor begging her not to leave. She needs to see you standing tall and strong.

Until that time, my suggestion is to start calling her out on any outward disrespectful behavior. If you have not read about setting boundaries, take a look at it. You'll need to enforce personal boundaries.

Stand up to her, don't cow down.

Don't kill yourself trying to score brownie points with her. Know what I mean?

Do i suggest MC or encourage her to go seek IC once the subject is brought up? I'm in the process of searching for a counselor for myself right now. I know the rules say don't initiate Relationship talks, but how should i handle it if she brings it up?

I don't think MC would help, unless she is honest and is willing to do whatever is necessary to save the MR. If a WW suggests MC, it is usually with the intent to announce she wants a divorce, and just uses the counselor as a buffer.

As for R talks.......your job is not to initiate the discussion. Try not to get suckered into a R talk by her, but if she talks calmly....just listen. If she starts getting out of control, being verbally disrespectful.......shut it down and walk away or leave the house.

[Natash]

Look her dead in the eye and tell her, "I will not agree to an in-house separation. If you want out of the M then you can get your things and leave". Think you can handle it?

That is 100 percent pure golden info! I believe if I had done this I'd been where I am now months ago.

[Bern19]

Thanks Sandi,
I will keep practicing that in my mind so Im prepared when the time comes.
Ill work on some questions for you about the specific rules I have questions about.

As for this weekend, thus far, I got home on Friday from work and normally would have sat down and watched tv till dinner, but I knocked out another item on my to do list.
Ill admit Ive been falling behind on getting thinks done, but the last week, Ive been Bob freaking Villa.
I know that Im supposed to be doing these things for me, but with a wife who claims acts of Service as her main love language, its disappointing to see almost no reaction from her about getting some pretty major projects done.
I wasnt expecting a parade, but something wouldve been nice.
I know that im not supposed to be doing these things to impress her, but Ill admit to struggling with that one.

Another one that is getting to me is that she only seems to want to talk to me when she wants something.
Im sure it isnt every time, but she is ok with sitting in the car and not saying a single word to me, but then once we get somewhere she has no problem talking to me about spending money on something.

I dont know, I just feel like Im over analyzing everything and need to work harder on detaching. Im still allowing her too much influence on my attitude.

Tomorrow is Fathers Day, so lets she if she can be nice or if shell remain indifferent.
I think thats the best word for how shes acting towards me currently.

Happy Fathers Day to all the guys out there that are fighting to keep there families together.

[Bern19]

Weekend update...

Sunday went well for about 4 hours and for some reason my mood just changed. Kids were acting out and testing my patience & wife was her typical standoffish self. Made it through church OK, but at dinner it just hit me. I didn't act out or cause a scene or anything, and was trying not to pout and act frustrated. But even my oblivious 13 year old could tell as he asked me if i was OK. The ride home was silent (well as silent as could be expected with a car full of boys) once we were home W asked what was wrong, I immediately faked a smile and said "nothing, i'm fine" and went about my day. I went into our bedroom to get out of church clothes and W follows my in, locks the door and initiates. Now, i can count on one hand the number of times she's initiated sex in the last 3 years. I wasn't expecting it, and even though I really wanted to say "no thanks" I caved. We didn't have intercourse, but performed an "oral" inspection on each other.

No relationship talk was had, and we went on about our day. Not sure if I was doing better at the 180 than i thought, or if she was throwing me a bone on fathers day. She's been known to do that before, but never initiates it.

Not reading anything into it other than she wanted it. What prompted her to initiate? I don't really care.

The 37 rules can be implemented now. You don't have to wait till bomb drop. I will be glad to help, if you'll tell me which rules you aren't sure about.

The ones that I was really struggling with were the ones about having an awakening & getting out. Without the bomb drop, i'm not sure about just taking off without an explanation when GAL. Also, i know i'm going to have issues with putting up a front of "everything is fine". I just know that i'll crack at times and let my emotions show, just like i did yesterday.

I'm working on getting some things set up to help with GAL. Working on getting my bike running to get back to riding with friends. Continuing to do projects around the house is another, but want to make sure that isn't perceived as me just trying to please her.

[ovrrnbw]

You may never found out what prompted her to initiate, but it sounds like you might have been doing something right. So keep doing what works. I'm not sure what other advice to offer you, so good luck.

[Bern19]

ok, well last couple days have been better. Doing better at showing myself as upbeat and positive, actually it might even be contagious. She's been in a better mood the past couple of days too.

I finished a project outside on our back porch and she came out and just sat with me. Not together & no relationship talk. Just small talk. We joked and laughed a little. It was nice.

Still working on the GAL. Got my motorcycle running and just need to get insurance and away I go. Still not sure if I should just up and leave, or should I fill her in on my plans.

She's only gone out once in the last week, and i didn't ask for details, but she filled me in anyway. Went out with her oldest friend (one that i consider a good influence) and was home at a normal time.

I don't know, just trying to make it from day to day. I'm not sure how we get to the point that we actually talk about "us" as see's avoided those conversations for years. She never was one to open up and spill her feelings. That being said, i know i lose if i'm the one to bring it up.

[Bern19]

OK, well that was short lived....

Went out tonight with the family for dinner. Then went to the store to shop. Was having a great time, joking, laughing, etc. until the ride home. Wife mentions having to haggle with the customer service dept about a return because one of the boys had taken the tags off a shirt before trying it on but then it didn't fit. Store agreed to take it back anyways and then she mentions that she returned a pack of socks too. I said "not the black ones?" She said yes. I said that surprises me because I had taken a pair out of the pack. She got all fired up, "Why would you do that? I said I was going to return those!" I asked her why she was so upset. "Did they say anything to you about it?" She said "no, but they could have." "That doesn't even matter, that was just pure laziness! Instead of bending over to get a pair out of the laundry basket, it's was easier to just open the pack I said not too!" First I'm thinking why are you so upset about this, and why are you yelling at me? Then it hit me... She just called me lazy in front of our kids! Unfortunately i didn't handle it well. I didn't get mouthy or continue with the conversation, I just shut up and sat there quietly. I'm not saying I wasn't upset, I was, but I'm sure it showed. That is one i'm going to have to work on. I realized i missed an opportunity to set a boundary and was probably more upset about that missed opportunity.

In my defense, While she was gone on vacation, I spent every night after work busting my butt on a new project at home. I was so busy that I forgot to dry my laundry one night and didn't have any socks to wear to work. That's why I took a pair of socks. So to be accused of being lazy really hurt my feelings.

I'll admit to not doing a very good job of validating her feelings, but it was because I was so focused on the opportunity to set a boundary. I shouldn't have to deal with her being disrespectful towards me in front of the kids. I can't make her respect me, but she should not be influencing my kids to disrespect me.

I tried to explain myself later that night in bed, when she asked what was bothering me, but she still didn't see that she had done anything wrong. I'll admit to not doing a very good job of validating her feelings, but it was because I was so focused on the opportunity to set a boundary. I shouldn't have to deal with her being disrespectful towards me in front of the kids. I can't make her respect me, but she should not be influencing my kids to disrespect me. She just rolled over with her back to me and hasn't spoken to me since.

I know better than to expect an apology from her. She's terrible at it (think the Fonz with blond hair). She's just very bad at admitting to being wrong. That's not something new.

So we'll see how long before she puts this one behind her and starts acting like nothing happened. My guess is it will be once I start acting like nothing happened, just like every other argument we've ever had.

So is that what I do? Just act like nothing happened? Take the fact that I got a chance to set a boundary and be happy with that?

Thoughts?

[rexgm]

So we'll see how long before she puts this one behind her and starts acting like nothing happened. My guess is it will be once I start acting like nothing happened, just like every other argument we've ever had.

Just my .02 cents but set the boundary and dont let her walk on you. when she tries too, just act cool and state your position and dont get emotional about it. If she wont let you state your position, its ok to just leave the room. If she wants to act irrational thats fine, it doesnt mean you have to stay there and put up with her berating you. Turning your back to someone and leaving has a profound impact on them. Its lets them know you have self respect and wont put up with their crap and will leave if you have to.

Btw if you have relations with your wife during this time, protect yourself and wear protection. It is better to be safe than sorry.


I remember when i first took back my respect when my exwife was yelling at me for something, and i am a very patient man, and when she was done, she then said 'so are you going to say anything' and i calmy replied 'are you done' to which she really went bat crazy so i turned around and left. 20 mins later she came out and apologized for how she was acting.


Rexgm