Hello, I stumbled across the DB site after trying to figure out how to save my marriage. I've ordered both the DB and the DR books from amazon, but didn't really want to wait to read them to start getting some advice.
Me: 46 Wife: 42 Married: 20 years Together: 23 years 4 kids
Have just had that feeling that something isn't right. She's been distant and cold. Sex life is dependent on my initiating, lately been feeling like it's a burden to her, so i've stopped. Nothing worse than feeling like having sex with you is a burden to your wife. Just noticing a different vibe from her. Not hostile, but certainly not pleasant.
Have had this feeling once before back a couple years ago. Did some snooping and found out she was texting a married guy from her work. I confronted and she admitted to some flirty texts, but not to an EA or a PA. I think i discovered it before a PA, but told her that i considered it a EA because she did it behind my back and deleted the texts because she didn't want me to see them. Went to MC for a couple months and made some progress. Things got better, even great for a while. I think she finally understood that the concealment was betrayal enough to ruin our marriage.
Lately, like i said, i've been having that feeling again that something was up. So I started snooping again and found an odd phone number with a bunch of texts. Used spokeo and was able to find out it was a cell number from a guy at her work. Now, this is an older guy, that I couldn't see her being into, but i confronted anyway. I asked her whose number it was, and she told me it was her friend "Tammy". I told her i knew whose phone it wasn't Tammy's and she then proceeded to tell me that this guy had loaned phone to Tammy because she was getting ready to file for divorce from her husband and was using the phone to send evidence to the attny since her husband monitored her phone usage. Next day, Tammy called me from that number and filled me in with what was going on with her and her husband. Tammy has since filed for divorce, and my wife has changed the password on cell phone account so i no longer have access to her, mine, or any of the kids phone records.
Tried to have a heart to heart with wife. Talked about many things including sex life. Said she was just in a spot where she didn't desire it. When we did it, she said it was good but just was experiencing low desire. Ok, maybe it's a phase I thought, but soon stumbled across some new lubricant stashed in a drawer that wasn't there earlier in the day. I found a bag with the lube and some used wet wipes. I knew that had to be put there while I was at work as I was in that same drawer in the morning and it wasn't there when i left, but was there when I got back home. I confronted and asked if she was cheating. She said no, I told her about the lube and used wet wipes (we don't have wet wipes in our house). She says she just moved the bag from her car into the house. I asked what she was cleaning up & she admitted to masturbating in the car. But it was a long time ago. She just forgot to get it out of her center console. Problem in the wet wipes were still moist... I'm totally confused and certainly not feeling very trusting at this point. I let it go for a while but just couldn't get the uneasy feeling to go away.
I know she is spending an inordinate amount of time with this friend that's going through a divorce and am worried that there is much man bashing going on. In fact, they recently had a work party that I know is attended by others spouses, but I wasn't invited this year, when she came in very late she admitted to ending up back at the head man-haters house after the party. Very toxic woman who's husband cheated on her and she goes out of her way to bash him every time i've been around her. Pretty confident wife is getting plenty of anti-marriage advice from these "friends". So, the lack of communication, staying out late with friends, very little interaction other than the day to day operational stuff when running a household, I snapped and made what was probably a fatal decision. I hid a motion activated camera in our bedroom hoping at best to catch a conversation that might better explain our current sitch, or at worst catch her cheating. Two days after setting up the cam, I get a motion alert on my phone while driving home from work, I pull up the live feed and there is my wife laying in bed, masturbating & looking at porn videos on her phone. At the time i was so turned on that I didn't even think to be upset. She finished her business shortly before i pulled in the driveway. I went in and tried to act a bit romantic and she was completely standoffish. Said she was sick and didn't feel well. I said "oh, you don't feel good, huh?" The look on my face must've given me away as she knew something was up and went straight to our room. About an hour later she came out and said she was hungry. Earlier in the day we had planned to go out to dinner with the kids, so I loaded everyone up and away we went. She didn't talk to me all night. Not a word. Later that night I went to our room where she was hiding and asked her what was up. She beat around the bush that nothing was wrong. I again mentioned that I was concerned about our marriage and that she seemed distant and I am just trying to make this work. She couldn't hold back, told me she had found the camera. Was obviously furious, & told me she didn't want to talk. Days past and every time I tried to talk, she said she wasn't ready. Said she didn't know where we go from here. Said that it's obvious that I don't trust her and she doesn't know how to change that. I said how about talking about things. Maybe a little affirmation that things are going to be OK. She said nothing. Asked if we needed to go to marriage counseling, she said "she didn't know"... "Tried that already". So I back off. Spent several uncomfortable days & then she leaves for a planned vacation with 3 of our 4 boys. She's been gone for several days, is due back middle of the week and communication has been sparse at best. Expecting a sit down when she comes back. I know that invading her privacy like that was way out of bounds, and she has a reason to upset with me. That being said, if i had caught her doing something else i doubt i'd feel bad at all. At times I catch myself wondering if she's so upset about my snooping because she knows i'm eventually going to catch her?
So, what advice would you give me? Do i continue to bounce along acting normal, taking her out to eat, etc? Or do I get proactive and start to detach? What would you advise someone that is pre bomb drop?
Sorry if any of my post is off limits. Just felt that hiding details because they might not be "appropriate" would be counterproductive.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So, what advice would you give me? Do i continue to bounce along acting normal, taking her out to eat, etc? Or do I get proactive and start to detach? What would you advise someone that is pre bomb drop?
Bern19,
Definitely take the proactive approach. Your wife needs to know with certainty that you're not going to put up with her affair and her bullsh*t. Don't become the wimpy guy that begs her to stay. Let her know that you've got a great life ahead and you're going to live it to the fullest with or without her.
Wow, there are certainly a lot of red flags there. And I doubt that she has nothing to hide.
A couple of things. First, are you sure that you caught her watching porn and it wasn't another guy on a video chat app, like Facetime? A lot of that going on. Or even a video OM sent her?
Second, I don't trust Tammy. If she is going through a D she likely would help your W out. Could be your W had OM give Tammy his phone to call you. Did you try calling the number from another line to see if he answered? That explanation just doesn't hold any water.
Third, people with nothing to hide don't hide things. The fact that you don't have the PW to your online cell account is a huge red flag.
At a minimum she is in an EA. And there are lots of things here to suggest that she may be in a full blown PA. You said she was spending "a lot of time with a friend going through a D". Hmmmm. How convenient, a friend that is going through a D so would be highly likely to cover for a cheating friend.
Read cadet's links. Pay special attention to sandi's rules. Learn them, and institute them. Especially this one: Trust nothing she says and only half of what he does.
GAL! GAL like a madman. Start getting out with friends and spending time without your WW. (Yes, she seems very wayward at this time.) 180 on behaviors that have gotten you no where, like the snooping. No more snooping. Detach! Read the thread on detachment, and learn it. Detaching in your situation is critical. You have to let her go to get her back. And you have to give her the time and space she needs. Also, become the H only a fool would leave!
You have an opportunity here. This seems like it is early in your wife's waywardness. I am a firm believer, based on my own experience, that if you catch it early and institute DBing methods, then you can bring your current MR to an end, and begin a new one afresh with your W. This is the way you need to look at it, your old MR is dead. To continue on you must forge a new MR.
Good luck and stay active here. You'll get outstanding advice.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Thanks for the reply's. I just wasn't sure about starting the detachment process since she technically hasn't said that she wants out. Knowing my wife, it could be weeks before she says something. She is a notorious planner. Do I pressure her to talk to see if i can get her to come out and state her intentions? I have no evidence that there is an OM at this point.
As for her video chatting, no it didn't appear to be interactive at all. Lots of scrolling, stopping and starting, volume changes, etc. I've seen enough porn to recognize someone using it.
Did finally get a phone call from her last night. Spent about 30 minutes on the phone just talking about her day, put the kids on speaker for a few minutes. Can't lie, it was good to hear from her & the kids. I did resist the urge to question her lack of communication. It's funny how I think I know what to say and how to act, but when the time comes I have a hard time sticking to the script. Was happy that I did last night.
Me- 47 Her- 43
S-20 S-18 S-13 S11
Together 23 years Married 21 years
EA confirmed 11/13 EA "ended" 1/14 PA confirmed 10/18 Started MC 11/18
Read up and know Sandi's rules by memory. You know your W is a notorious planner and so maybe something might be coming. Do not start any relationship talks or what her intentions are. So many red flags. You have enough to go on already.
I would instantly stop all pursuit and GAL. Start organizing your own life and get on a journey of personal growth.
Ok, well wife is back from trip with kids. Busted my but doing projects around the house that have been on the do list for awhile. Considered not doing any of them while she was gone, but figured thats what she would expect. Barely mentioned the things I did. Funny thing is it didnt bother me as much as it would have in the past. Got a long way to go, and know things will get worse before they get better.
So Im sitting in the living room watching some TV and she is just sitting on the couch. That isnt really special, but the fact she isnt glued to her phone is. Just sitting here is a bit uncomfortable, but I dont really want to start a conversation. Its too late to go do something, so what do I do in these situations? Do I sit there quietly or so I make small talk? Do I get up and go to another room? Just not sure how to proceed.
Gonna have to come up with a project for tomorrow.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/13/1801:20 PM. Reason: restored post
Me- 47 Her- 43
S-20 S-18 S-13 S11
Together 23 years Married 21 years
EA confirmed 11/13 EA "ended" 1/14 PA confirmed 10/18 Started MC 11/18
You should be out of the house doing something fun and exciting or exercising. Sitting at home watching her not be on her phone is not a good thing dude.
I'd agree with LH19. She is watching your every move, and will feel like you are crowding her if you watch her. No harm in having conversation - you do need to communicate. It's lack of communication that is the heart of most of our problems I have found. Just keep it light, and then also get yourself busy doing other things that stop you being in front of the TV the whole time.
I am about 8 weeks post BD and I have found that focusing on me, getting out and doing things for me, has really helped me to detach, do LRT and also as a result I'm not so much sitting around watching TV anymore. Originally I couldn't focus/concentrate on it anyway, but now I just don't have the interest.
Getting busy will bring its own benefits as she will notice your changes and it might wake her up. See how it goes, but definitely can't hurt.
_______________________________________________ M47 W50 T-21 yrs M-19 Yrs S17 S15 D12 Found out about A 04/12/18 BD 04/15/18 Admitted A, name of AP and separate rooms 04/29/18 Told kids 07/22/18
Looks as if you have a serial cheater on your hands. For sure......she is a very wayward wife! This may seem like a lot of reading being thrown at you, but I have some threads devoted strictly to the subject of WW's, their mindset, behavior, etc. Also, what the H should/shouldn't do with a WW.
If you are interested, this is the link to the first one:
MWD, the author of DB/DR does not use the term wayward wife in her books. She writes about the walk away wife and mid-life crisis. I feel the wayward W is a different breed, so to speak, and requires tougher love. Just wanted to explain this, so as not to confuse you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
