My wife and I been together for 12 yrs, married 7. 2 boys 5 and 2. We have had our ups and downs, but we loved each other a hole lot. I'm the bread winner, since she got pregnant with first child I let her stay home while I worked. We were super happy with first child, yrs went by 4, we got preg with second child. I worked on, she tended to house and baby. Everything going as planned. We had two beautiful boys we loved dearly. We never had any help with kids, my family lived an hour away, she didn't have any family much, what she had couldn't help with kids. So we stayed at home most of the time when I was off work. We went here and there but never got to spend us time together.I was a dedicated father who didn't care to do things without my babies. I neglected her in that way for years. Never thought she'd leave. Thought kids were first. About 4 yrs ago I needed to find a new job. One where I thought I could climb and help family. In my feild you have to start on night shift in plants. I consulted her, it was ok. So I did it. I got a new job, a good job with good benefits. She was at home for 6 years with 2 babies by herself daily. I slept during the day and worked at night. We had our routine. I thought everything was fine. I would complain about house not being clean, or clothes not being washed. Simple chores that I figured she had plenty of time to do. We argued every month about her paying bills on time or spending to much. Normal stuff. For about the last year or so she would tell me Chris your pushing me away, Chris let's go on date night. Etc. I never had time. In February we had argument and she pack some things and left. Stayed gone two days, came back. We had a good valentine's Day, everything seemed normal. She told me I needed to change and I didn't listen. I am a homebody. If I'm not at work, I find projects around house, or maintain vehicles, always something that needs done. She's a social butterfly. She has so many friends I don't even know them all. Loves social media, I almost hate it. At the end of April I was off a Thursday had to work all weekend. We were having a great evening, cooking dinner, kids, music going. She deliberately started an argument. We got mad, argued she packed all her stuff that weekend while I slept and left. That was 4/28/18. I begged, I pleaded, done all the things I now am taught not to do. No good. She is staying at her aunt's house and has the kids when I'm working. The first few weeks she stayed home with kids most of the time. Being really cold toward me, distant, ignoring txt, not answering calls. I never knew where she was, really hurtful. About the last two weeks she has began to hang out with random people, partying, lying to me, just selfish attitude. All the blame on me. A week or two after she left I found the Devorse remedy and have read it 3 times now. I have started tlr, back slid everytime. 2 days is the longest I been. I have to communicate about kids constantly. She always wants my help still, money, car maintenance, babysitting, I don't have a free moment. Is this WAW, or WW. I haven't found any evidence of another guy, but she tells me to find someone and move on. We will never be again, and all the hurtful and cold things they say.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Chris06, sorry to hear your situation. It is a very tough thing to go through. It has been the toughest thing I ever went through, and I'm not totally out of the bush yet. But it does get better with time. Your most important tool is Patience and Faith if you believe in God.
The toughest thing is when you try to use logic and tell her that you will fix things, you didn't know she was unhappy and you will change, but you get a cold response and she says something like "it's too late" or "I don't love you anymore". That's tough to swallow because us men are used to analyzing and fixing things. We want to be in control. When something is wrong, we want to understand it and fix it.
Also, every situation is different. I see some positives in your situation compared to myself and many other people here, but I could be totally wrong. First, your kids are still young which could play in your favor. Also, you know exactly what you did wrong: you were not paying attention to her, you worked away from home, etc. And she told you in the past exactly what you needed to do. So that's a good starting point. You know the things you need to fix in yourself. But you need to do them for you and not for her.
One of the concepts that I always struggled with, but you should embrace is what makes you attractive and what makes you unattractive to her. I know it's weird because you have known each other for so long, but that's how it is now. You need to accept it. You need to treat her as a stranger because she looks at you as a stranger (don't ask why. It makes no sense.).
And so you need to stop doing the things that make you unattractive. These include begging, being needy, weak... And you need to start doing the things that make you attractive, like showing confidence, being independent, strong, etc.
You should do a 180, meaning, in my understanding, you should change your bad behaviors totally. I also wouldn't recommend doing things to help her, just the bare minimum but don't get out of your way for her.
But be kind and gentle all the time. Don't do anything impulsive that you will regret later on.
Don't say things like I love you. Not the right time. Focus on yourself and let things take their time. I truly believe that your situation is not as bad as others, but I could be wrong. You need to give her time.
If she decides to come back or if shows interest, stay cool but gentle. Don't expect too much. She will not change all of a sudden. If she does, you will need to move slowly and understand that she could send you mixed messages all the time.
Understanding why is not important. Maybe she is confused. Maybe she has a plan. Who knows? You must learn that it doesn't matter. You have to do what you have to do regardless.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
If you do the tlr, in my opinion, it's not necessarily about not communicating. It's about not communicating when you're doing it to connect with her because she will sense that. I used to do it all the time, and I would convince myself that it was because of the kids, the house, finances, or whatever. But in reality, all I wanted was to communicate with her because I missed her and because I wanted to know what she was up to. When I realized that, I just stopped communicating with her and all these other things didn't collapse. My situation is different and my kids are older, so it's easier. But my point is that it's ok to communicate about the kids and other things when they are really essential. Just be careful when these things are not the real reason (you'll need to be honest with yourself).
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
I was constantly asking her if she was seeing someone else. She insists she is not. W I haven't done anything wrong, I just been hanging out with friends. I read all the wayward wife threads and it's her to a tee. I think there must be another guy. She's getting the emotional fullfillness I wasent giving. I just can't understand why she wouldn't tell me if she was. If she truly wanted me to just move on, why not say yes I'm seeing someone you should too.
Chris, you re trying too hard to understand. Nothing makes sense with wayward wives. I m like you. I was always looking for answers. 11 months later thinking and analyzing day and night, I can only tell you that it s a waste of time. It will only drive you crazy. You may never find a satisfying answer. It s about doing what works, mostly for you.
But you re right. There may be someone else. There are plenty of reasons for her to hide it. I think my wife has an affair, but I have no proof. The question is what will you do if you find out she is.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/11/1812:14 PM. Reason: restored post
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
Chris, I am not sure if you are still asking if there is someone else or not, but if you are stop. Either she is lying or she is not, but either way putting pressure on her at this point is probably not helpful. Don't ask about the relationship or the future or anything like that, because she doesn't see any future right now with you.
It sounds like, given your work schedule you were really distant and not available for your wife for a long time. Would it be a 180 to be available now? When she contacts you are you upbeat and friendly? The LTR is not about cutting off all contact, especially if you have kids. You need to communicate about them. It is about stopping pursuit and pressure. Dont initiate contact unless you need to for the kids or something else urgent. Dont respond immediately to everything, but when you do respond be friendly and upbeat - treat her like a friendly cashier in the store (I think that is the metaphor I read here.)
But the biggest thing is detaching and getting a life (GAL). Read and reread the detachment thread at the top of this page. I print it out and highlighted the important elements for me. And GALing and taking care of yourself (and your kids) is super important. Find what makes you happy, or at least distracts you, outside of the MR. Go to the gym, hang out with friends, work on your car, take walks, do yoga. Find whatever works for you.
This really s@cks, I know. But you are not alone. When in doubt, come here to vent or ask questions or just look for support.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Sorry to read about your sitch Chris, this is the best place for support though. You will get valuable advice here and can run your interactions to see you are faring. The veterans here say it is a marathon, so tie your laces tight and get ready. We are all here to support each other.
Sorry to read about your sitch Chris, this is the best place for support though. You will get valuable advice here and can run your interactions to see you are faring. The veterans here say it is a marathon, so tie your laces tight and get ready. We are all here to support each other.
She got a job, and is currently getting family to help take S6 to school and babysit some. I feel so bad for kids. They are at a different house everyday. It can't be good for them. It makes me angry to think that a mother could put herself in front of her 2 young kids. I beleive if I was unhappy I would have stuck it out until I was stable in my life. Not going from nothing sitting at home everyday to looking for house, job, car etc. Everything. I don't see her ever coming back, it's real hopeless. She is to happy having her own money, and freedom to go and do whatever, whenever she wants. She loves the single life. I miss her so much, bad to communicate today for kids. So I did my distancing while I was at it. I told her that it was time to put my truck in my name and her take over her phone bill, and car insurance. She says that's fine. Not a bother in the world. These waws are so cold and manipulative in their game. It's scary. I never seen this side of her. She can make me think whatever she wants by such a simple action. I overthink everything she knows it, she knows how much I want her to come home. She's using that too. She knows I'm in a lot of pain. Shes so cold. Devil woman Thanks everyone for the comments and support!!!!
Hey there Chris. You need to stay strong. I know it's hard, but have hope. There is always hope. You will be Ok whether she comes back or not.
I went through everything you are describing. My wife is the same, even worse. She doesn't even care to see her own kids anymore. I went through the same cycles you're going through. It takes time, but you will get out stronger. Sometimes, you need to go through the pain to learn.
We are trying to help you understand that common sense and logic won't help you. I still can't explain how someone can change so drastically. Some sites call it the Monster. The spouse in MLC (or the WAS) becomes a monster. You can read about it on the Hearts Blessing site, but you will spend hours and days reading, and then you'll find yourself in the same place still asking more questions.
You need to take care of yourself and your kids. Try to be the best father that you can. Don't be afraid to set boundaries to protect yourself and your kids. I wouldn't necessarily do drastic moves right away, especially if you're doing them to get back at her because it won't make your situation any better. When you set boundaries, it's to protect yourself and the kids and not to gain anything from her. It's for you.
And don't be afraid to lose her because as Hearts Blessing says "you can't lose what you have already lost". Basically, when she dropped the bomb, your marriage as you know it was ended, at least if you are facing a situation of a WW, MLC or WAS.
With time, you will learn that you can be OK without her. Do what you can for the kids, but understand that you can't make her come back if she doesn't want to. So make it as good as you can for the kids. Life is not always ideal. They will be OK in the long run. Don't beat yourself up. Just do the best you can.
I wish you the best of luck. It sure ain't easy.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
I want to be clear about something I've read a lot about. Everyone says that you need to let go, detach and move forward. And Hearts Blessing says that your marriage ended the day of the BD.
But, from what I read, this doesn't mean your wife is not going to come back and reconcile the marriage. First of all, there is no guarantee. Everyone is different. Some come back and some don't. It will be her decision. What you do could affect her decision either positively or negatively, but she still decides.
But what you need to do now, according to everyone here, is to give her time and space. And at the same time work on yourself to make it appealing for her to want to come back when she is ready. But this could take a long time. You can't rush these things. If you try to rush it or if you put pressure, you are actually make the process longer.
Because it can take a long time, so you need to focus on something else or you will be miserable for a long time with an unknown outcome. This is why you need to let go and get a life (GAL). What will happen during that time is that you will find out if you really want to continue waiting for her and if you want to end the marriage and move on without her. When you will come down, you will be able to think better. Right now, you are too obsessed with her like we all were the first few months.
I used to read these posts and not believe them, but this is exactly where I am now.
Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14 BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017 Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
When I read your posts, what strikes me is the anger and the blaming everything on your wife. I encourage you to stop focusing on what she did wrong and instead focus on what you did wrong.
There are several reasons for that.
Focusing on her faults and actions places you in the victim role, which isn't good for your mental health (and is also unattractive).
You can't control her, you can only control you, so it makes sense to focus your energy on the things you can control.
If you don't focus on you, you can't learn to be a better partner for your future relationships.
On another note--
How much time are you spending with your kids? Do you have a regular schedule for when they are with you?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
I know it sounds like I put it all on my Ew. I don't, I do not like her present actions, partying, ditching kids, using people for baby sitter. Read first post, I put most blame on myself.
I been focusing on myself. I got Dr 7 steps book a few weeks ago. Been reading over and over. I got dB in mail today. Started it. I'm feeling better about moving on. I'm feeling better about myself. Got kids today so I'm focused on them.
Got off early last night 2 am. Came home, had a couple cold ones. For some reason I was in kids bedroom. It is a mess now, has mostly her stuff I am collecting for her to pick up. Something made me go in closet. I been in the house 10 years, I bet I have not been in that closet 10 times. What I found was kids clothes pilled up, I bet they are at least a 100 set of clothes in there. Ranging from all ages up to prolly 7 that people have gave my EW. I thought danm this is the sh*T that got on my last nerver here. The non organization is bothersome to me. Having clothes is awesome, having a pile of clothes is a mess. I crawled over them to look at a few things in the back of the closet. Found a milk crate with books and things in it. Found my 1999 freshman yr book, cool. The thing I did find was an old coarse paper drawing pad. I happened to look at it. It was hers. The first couple of pages were EW name Loves Chris. etc. Then I found a page that was us. We were watching a movie or something, (11 yrs ago) where I said no talking for 15 min. We still had conversation but we were writing it on this pad. She even wrote "4 more min till 15". I lost it. Tears rolled down my face. I flipped threw the rest of it and found another page with potential baby names on it. Guess what. coincidentally our 2nd son has that name. I couldn't help it and sent here pictures of both pages. smh
Fast forward to today. I woke up, showered, made sure I was presentable. Went and got the kids to enjoy on my one day off.
Yesterday ex and I txt msg and I told her I was going to have to bring them back today cause I have a dentist appt. @730 am and I can't do it with 2 kids under5. she said it was ok. Her uncle would be home if she wasn't.
Played with kids until about 2pm got a txt from x. "are you keeping kids tonight?". if she scrolled up 2 msgs she would see that I have a dentist appt. am. followed by 4 more txt about kids only.
Now I am outside cutting grass and come check on kids and notice that I have a missed call from X. I didn't call her back. Checked again in little while had another missed call from X. She txt do I have kids. I said yes. She knew I had kids, all she had to do was txt or call her aunt.
In last txt I said I would bring kids back at 7pm. She immediately called. Saying why don't you keep them and bring them in the morning. I was stern and said because I have to be there no later than 7.
She took this as I have plans and need a night for myself.
We played, I cut my grass, and my neighbors (works out of town) back yard. with a 2 yr old on my knee. 30 deg hill.
We played another hour before I worked out, showered, got us ready and headed to take em home.
I was on cloud 9 after she called me and txt so much. Seemed like she was thinking I was going out tonight and was curious and maybe jealous about it. This is more contact from her than I have seen in many weeks. I just knew it was.
I had high expectations taking the kids home. I was spiffed up good, shaved, all of it. To look like I was going out. I really didn't know if she would be home from work, actually figured she wouldn't be. I was almost there and my phone rang. It was her. 702 . Where you at? about to pull in the driveway! ok see you in a min bye.
I got there and she wouldn't even make eye contact. stayed more distant that ever since she left. I didn't understand it. I had figured she would have been curious as to what my plans were. What the hell I was doing but nope. She even was dolled up, and was loudly talking to my son, "come on we got to go get some stuff and some BITE BITEs". for me to hear.
On the way home I was super depressed. That did not go the way I thought it would. I was suppose to be the one who had the upper hand. She is way to good at this.
She knows my every thought. She could probably move the coffee pot 14" and knows that I would ask her why she moved it and when I would ask. I know I have to quit overthinking but it is super hard thing for me to do.
Hi Chris. This is literally my first post, and your story is almost exactly like mine. Right down to the date W walked out. Left S home with me to "not disrupt" his life. Says she's taken a studio apt. starting next month, been couch hopping ever since. Sadly in my case there is OM involved. Whole other story there as well. I pray that isn't the case for you, but thankfully I got my health in immediate order. I understand now why that is so paramount. Working on posting my own story soon, but I got you in my thoughts.
Well I just found out she's seeing someone. He's 26, has a daughter. She says she hasn't had sex with hi but may be moving in with him. Lol, that's the dumbest [censored] I have ever heard. He's a good man she says. People amaze me daily, even the ones you thought you knew so well.
So sorry to hear your news, Chris. You have a wayward W, and if you have not read the threads about the WW mindset, I think it might be to your advantage to do so. I don't know if she has issues from her past, but she definitely has a whopper now! But here's the thing I hope you'll remember. Waywardness is not forced on anyone. It comes her own free will, and that's how it will change. So, don't feel sorry for her or think she can't help it, or believe what she says.
I explain in my threads how waywardness begins in the heart that holds unresolved resentment. Eventually, feelings of disrespect and rebellion follow. Selfishness takes over and her mindset changes from the girl you M to this stranger that is lying and staying out partying.....and is planing to move in with a 26 yr old guy.
You have to stand firm and learn how to apply tough love with waywards. You cannot nice her back, by being this sweet, nice guy she M. You can't friend her back by being her BFF. You can't play happy family and get her back. However, it is possible to save your M. I hope you'll read the WW threads.
In the meantime, cut contact and financial support.....except where kids are concerned. Don't discuss the MR with her.
I encourage you to check with a lawyer to see if you can keep the kids out of that guy's house, since the adults are not M. It doesn't hurt to check.
Find the 37 rules and follow what is pertinent to your situation.
You will get a lot of help here, if you'll stick with us. Don't jump off and do something before checking here, first.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Said no sex yet, says she prolly moving in. After a week. Wtf she's crazy. If Jenifer Aniston wanted to f everyday I wouldn't let her move in after a week
Has been pretty much the worst day of my life. I have had to buy nutrition drinks to try and stay healthy. I can't eat and am throwing up all day. Trying to work is a bitxx. I'm going to have to get angry. I was such a fool. About 4 weeks ago I got up to go pick up kids. That day we met in Wal mart parking lot. We got kids loaded and we were talking and a loud truck pulled in behind her, she snatched her head to look. I knew it then, but I talked myself into not believing it. She was such a liar. She wanted to keep me hanging on to her until she seen if it was going to work out with OM.
By accident today I found out. A mutual friend of ours a girl, I considered rooming with. She a drunk so I changed my mind about it. I was telling her today and she got furious. That's when she said I like your X's new guy, cause she was mad. Come to find out she didn't even know. She was just being mean.
But I txt X "well today's the day I was told about your boyfriend". She replied "what boyfriend" I said it don't matter Then she called and told me
Said how much she likes him, and she's never felt that way about anyone la la la. Same [censored]+ I was told 12 yrs ago.
Definitely the worst day of my life, but hey I knew it was coming. I tried to prepare, but it didn't help at all. I can't beleive she would do this to me.
Guess Ill prolly just give up on her. I can't sit watch wait for months and months I'll go super crazy. I just have to give up. I'll try and continue posting some. Getting on here reading all this is not helping me move on at all.
Man was u right. I beleive that too. They hang on to a branch until they find another one to jump to. I figure out guys name then number I'll know how long it's been going on. Verizon sent me 3 letters in the mail about phone. Someone tried to do something with account. She didn't want me going back to bill. Gotcha
This is just my opinion. I think you need to stay away. If it is her family and OM, you are walking into a bad situation waiting to happen. Have another birthday party for your son. Invite some of his friends.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I tend to agree with Sandi. I have a similar situation with family this weekend, albeit it's my family's home. Sill debating my response to it. In your case, it isn't neutral territory, it's HERS. If OM *is* there, I see too much chance of it erupting. A best case is you walk away REALLY hurt, and even sicker than you already are. Another party for you and your son isn't going to be normal, but it will be especially for you 2.
I have confirmed OM obviously. She says she met him on FB aounnd june9, I seriously don't beleive that one bit. Upon searching through phone records I found that a new number appeared just around time she says. I felt relieved. Finally the truth I thought. When I learned of OM and confronted her, she says she was prolly moving in with him next week. That just doesen't make any since to me. I don't think so. This morning I continued separating all money ties I had with her. I left to go get kids she called from a strange number. The number was her co worker, she said she was calling to tell me that her phone went haywire she wasen't go to be able to talk to the kids this weekend she would go get another one monday. Another lie. I can txt the phone and msg gets delivered. to her phone. I can call it and it rings. unless screen is black it is working, phone has power. I just don't understand how someone could put theirselves before their kids. Lie like its the truth. have a total personality switch like this. Some people say go to the b day party act like the better person. My mother says whatever i do don't go. I could be getting set up for trouble. I just don't know what to do anymore at all.
Anyone know where the stages of emotions are for WW thnking
Well she waited until the clock struck midnight Saturday night, to. Father's Day. To change fb relationship status to new man. How hateful can one be. I just don't get it. Immediately 2 friends of hers who I don't like at all, whores. Liked her status change. So I checked out guy best I could. I don't like him around my kids. He has pitbulls tied to big chains. What if they attack my kids. He wants to be their daddy. Wtf Contacted lawyer today, made an appointment. I have to get my kids. I'm optimistic about it. I think I have the better case for is. She's a partier, not responsible, dumping kids with anyone. Etc... Well it's next Tuesday. Let y'all know what happens dB is over. I'll just post for the kids stuff for those in need to know.
Woke up to txt today about picking up kids tomorrow for my two days off work. S6 is in one place S2 is in another. Apparently my stepmother wanted S6 for the night. EW didn't bother to ask me. Just giving me my orders on where to pick up kids. I was confused at first so I had her call me to explain. She enjoying being in control of the situation. Giving me orders. She is way to far gone to ever loose what she has in her heart. Birthday part since I told her I'm not going has been moved to "her house". Really the OM house. She likes to call her house to me to twist and turn the dagger. I'll never understand why I deserved this. The more I look into who new guy is it starts to make more and more since. She has always put other people friends before us. She feeds off other people she loves to be liked. In January she started being around a girl she knew. Few hrs younger. Come to find out, friends new husband is either cousins or brother to new guy. So yeah, don't know how long they been seeing each other but I know now how it happened. I'm sure friend had her hand in destroying my family. I'll never forget it. Lawyer Tuesday!
I know I shouldn't have but I sent X an txt this morning. I worked all night and had to drive an HR to get S6. Guess I was irritable. In short is was just telling her that her selfish decisions have life long consequences and I knew it had been going on for some time behind my back. I always refer to om as Jody. I'm sure it gets under her skin. Lol Today I sent a txt about kids slapping. They also me in the bare back and each other. Since all this started they have gotten so wild. Guess all the different people caring for them. Anyway I told her I didn't know where it was coming from but I was about to whoop some asses. To help me get control of it. She said she would Then sent another txt asking have I picked up boys yet?? I just told her about the kids behavoir, of course I picked them up. I just responded yes, I'm on 2 Ur sleep. She continued with 4 more txt about the boys. I don't care, if she's just checking on boys, temperature checking, wanting some communication with me or what cause I could never forgive her for this. But it does make me wonder what she feels!
I had to talk to her today. It was her day to get money. So of course she starts early this morning "did you transfer money". I waited until 2 to do it lol
She called later and we talked briefly, it went as follows. I asked if I needed to get a DNA check on my boys to make sure they are mine. She swore I didn't. ( I know that). She insisted that she met om on June 10th. It is crazy to even think I would beleive that. I remember the night she picked a fight, it was so orchestrated I even thought about that as it was happening. She's no actress. I remember the last few months sitting at work watching her FB activity. Getting up and on FB msger at 3 4 am. I msg her what are you doing up. "I had to pee" No om worked night shift as well. I really need Sandi's input here. Because this birthday part [censored] is messed up. Now the party is Saturday at OM house or her "new house" as she puts it. She txt and said I'm welcome to come if I want. So she leaves me and gets with this douche and thinks I'm gonna be her friend. I don't understand the mindset of women. She says oh I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with this man. How the hell could she know that in 10 days. If that's true.
On another note I made her give me the address to send her money in check form. Women are so dumb. Especially to lie for months and think that everyone believes it. Lol Lawyer Tuesday and I'm so excited to see her face when I get my kids
Said she wants me to stop by for a min at least at party. Lol
Dont. She is trying to bait you dude. She wants you to make an a$$ of yourself in front of Kids, Family, OM. She wants to parade OM in front of you to get a reaction, think about legal man, dont end up with a rest. order over a rash action. Trust me, it doesnt make things easier, and the courts hand them out to men like damn candy on halloween. Play it cool, act like you do not care.
If you went and did something stupid or rash It will be used as part of her smear campaign to justify her Crap actions to those around her. She has likely already been spewing BS about you to family and friends. Have you heard of anything like this happening?
Has she been off and on with you as far as being nice and being cold in the lead up to the breakup and affair?
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Yeah I told her it was best for us to let the dust settles before any of that. I even told her she prolly been bad mouthing me so bad everyone would look at me like I was shif. I ain't falling for her stuff. She thinks everything is fine. Don't know about lawyer, and her partying pics or drug testing. She thinks it's all going to her dumb plan.
Since she left she has been keeping me in loop about kids until it gets in the afternoon time then no phone communication. Sometimes just turned phone off or not answer at all. That's how you know, when that phone is shut off. Been happening since she left. " Oh it died I didn't plug it up". Yeah she's had a phone up her ass since we met.
I do think she may be narc. Thanks Photoshop and FB friends who like every pic posted. She even has her own makeup FB page. She thinks she is ms. America. Don't care about the 260#s
Just got home from taking kids to their aunt's house. I kept them as long as possible I have to work tonight. Today is S6 bday. It was really hard for me to let him go. S2 is the one who cries and holds me tight when he knows I'm leaving them there. He's so smart. Sometimes I think he is smarter than S6. S6 is slightly autistic or something. He's smart he's just different. Kid didn't talk until he was 4.hes getting better everyday. I'm excited and scared about going to lawyer. I just want all this to be over. I wish I could understand the mindset of a person that would degrade themselves by getting with a pos and put their kids in that situation. Then lie to their dad about it. Can "love" really do that to a woman. I guess when all those chemicals are being released it is one powerful drug. I never would have bet she would have done what she has lately. Sandi has hit every nail on the head with WW.
Thanks everyone again for supporting me through this. I would have made many bad decisions if I wouldn't have found those books and this forum. Michelle is an angel from heaven
I forgot to mention that first thing this morning she text me "happy becoming father day". I txt back "huh" "Six hrs ago you became a father" I said oh yeah thanks greatest day of my life.
Wonder what made her do that. She is gonna find out sooner or later what om is really, and realize what a good life she had. To bad for her it is to late. I care for her more than anyone in the world but I don't think she can be fixed. She came from a bad environment growing up with drugs in the house, and father commited suicide when she was 4, and I took it upon myself to get her out of there and give her a good life and she just pisses on me.
No real news today. I guess S6 birthday party was good at OM house. I don't know I asked no response.
I hope so he's the sweetest kid in the world, deserves only the best. On an off topic note, I ordered him a tablet of Amazon. Fire I think. Anyway it is linked to my Amazon account by default. So I gave it to him yesterday and he took it with him to his mom's.
Needless to say last night I got 10 emails where he was downloading games. Prolly 20 dollars worth. Lol. Make sure you enable parent controls before sending kids off. Amazon can't do it over the phone. Lol
I'm a little tore up about this lawyer deal. I have never in my life been in a more sticky situation. No matter what I do it has the potential to backfire.
If I go after kids she will only resent me and hate me even more. O percent chance of reconsolidation. But kids I know will be safe. But I work a very tough shift and their logistics to school and whatever will be dang near impossible without me changing jobs, which would damage my career awful. I have the best job around for my area and I know it will be a super blow to have to leave it. But kids will be safe.
If I don't go after kids, they have the potential to be in an awful envioroment. Mean to and not be raised the way they should be. Not that EW is a bad mother, but she is in full WW and I don't trust or know her anymore.
Thanks Joe, just feels like any drastic actions I take are making things worse. At any rate, om ex said my kids are not safe there and a lot of bs. So yeah kids come first. See what my lawyer says 2.
Chris, first take what the ex GF said with a grain of salt. Break ups are hard, and jilted women, especially, have axes to grind.
I had an exgf many years ago. Whenever we'd talk she'd always say that she thought the guy that just broke up with her was gay. I broke up with her, so I am sure she told others the same thing about me. Point is that they are not above false accusations.
Also, and a lot of WASs don't like to hear this, unless he has convictions on the above "crimes" you won't really have much of a leg to stand on. And even if he does, if the crimes are not of the sexual predator variety, there is probably little the legal system will do to prevent your WW from taking your kids around him. You have to chalk this up to the "you can't control her" thing. We all wish that you could go to the courts, tell them you don't want your kids around OM, and have the support of the legal system. Unfortunately, you do not.
Anyway, you seem like you are pretty good at reasoning things out. Looking at your options and judging likely outcomes. So make sure you go over everything with a lawyer. And also, if future R is a concern of yours, then yes you should tread lightly in the D proceedings. R is usually the biggest casualty in the legal wranglings that take place in D.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I took this week off from work, so I told her I wanted kids for the week. We exchanged a little while ago.
I had to give her papers tonfill out concerning car titles are in her name. She said politely I need to come up and get the rest of my things. I told her I had most of her stuff allready boxed up. To call me the day she wanted to come get them and I would leave the outside. She looked shocked, I don't know why. She think I want her destroying my house I just got cleaned from yrs of neglect. Lol nope
I felt almost bad for being so stern but I think sandy would agree that it was just tough love. I wish that bottom she had to hit would hurry the hell up. Even though I know it probably won't.
I really beleive she'll know she made a huge mistake. Then again she may be with the man of her dreams, well boy.
Thanks Steve my thoughts exactly. I take kids she probably would never be able to look me in the face again.
Been quite evtfjl to say the least since my last post. I probably the worst dbing person alive. I think having 2 kids on my schedule has a lot to do with it. I'm really not sure. I don't get much feedback here and I'm really just giving up on her so there's that.
Anyway I took a week off. First to get started on GAL and spend time with my boys and know where they are and they are safe.
Monday was sleep then go pick up my boys. Which I allready posted about.
Tuesday my mom was coming to help me with them while I got to business. Went to see lawyer. Didn't quite go as I wanted it to, needless to say I won't be going after full custody and we will share kids time as we can according to our schedules.
Wednesday as part of my GAL I needed to buy a car. I have drove old cars and constantly worked on them for yrs. I was going to buy ex a new car for christmas, but since she left I figured why wait. Time to take care of me and kids. I found car, and wouldn't be ready until Thursday. Ok
Thursday went and got car, kids loved it. We came home and regrouped drove around a little, S6 wanted to go bowling so we went had a blast.
Friday was waterpark day. We went to our city water park for a few hrs, now a 6 Ur old and a 2 yr old by yourself in a huge pool is quite a challenge. But we did it and had a ball.
Saturday was my celebrating S6 bday. I haven't had a chance to have him a party and that was the day I did it. Coincidentally It fell on my bday. So was my wish, we didn't acknowledge me and made it about him at my parents house. It was just us family, but we swam and cooked steak. It was a good day.
Here is where the drama set it, and it's part of my bad thing
So my exs new boyfriend has a son he does not acknowledge or care about. Guess what, he has the same bday as me as per FB. Being me I couldn't stop myself. I msg ex and asked if they were having him a bday party. She didn't even know he had a son. He had been lying to her all this time. Of course she acted like nothing and that was all we communicated about that.
Fast forward to today I took kids to babysitters while she's at work, I had to go by dentist office and set up an appointment. While I was there I checked on S6 appointment. He has big teeth coming in that didn't push out baby teeth. So they are still there. Big concern for me.
Turns out she missed the appointment. Made me super mad. So when I left the office I called her to inquire. Well she said she tried to. Call to reschedule but haven't been able to yet.
Ok we hang up. I get going down the road and she calls back. Lighting in to my ass about checking up on her new bf through FB and child support. ( I still pay her car insurance. And cell bill) I'm trying to get out of it but it's complicated. Ugh
Calls me lots of names and we argued some. Later she txted and alpollogized for calling me the things she did. I told her that I didn't care what she called me, that I would do what I had to to know my kids were safe. She says I should trust her as the mother to my children to know they are. and that was last communication.
I'm quite sure knowing her she is knee deep in with this guy and I don't see an end. I hope I'm wrong. I love her more than anything other than my kids, even after all she has done.
When she loves someone she will do anything for them. I know, she has done things you all would drop your jaws if you knew.
So I guess this is my limbo period, where I gal and move on. Try not to get into a custody battle and just manage things. I wish she would wake up, her money is getting tight. I think it's begging to be a logistical problem for her with kids. School is out to. Just wait until that comes. Going to be a doosey.
New development today, I got up early and was cleaning my house and ex called crying. Asking me what I had done. Turns out om has told her to get her [censored] and get out his house. I was so happy. Not because I wanted her to jump in my arms. But because I new she was safe and my kids.
Now she didn't have anywhere to stay, so my kids are homeless. She wanted to borrow money for a hotel but I didn't want to give it to her. So I told her I was broke.
I offered her to stay at my house and I go to dads. She said I ain't coming back to that house. Which hurt, but ok.
Later on I guess she figured out she had no where else to go so she is staying at my place tonight. Which is fine I'll be at work anyway. Kids will destroy my clean house, and that's ok too.
She told me not to bother her when I get home, and not to tell anyone she stayed there last night. Which really upset me.
You tell her its your house and your rules and she doesnt tell you who to talk too and what to say.
You stay at your house and never offer to go stay somewhere else make her sleep on the couch.
It's your house now. She decided to leave. Stop letting her dictate the terms, she needs you not the other way around, shes in no place to tell you what to do.
Be a man and take your balls back. You were so happy she got kicked out and called you, You were ready with your cape to save the day.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Your right Joe, I'm thinking tomorrow I'll watch the kids and tell her she needs to get to finding her somewhere to go. I hope she don't end up back with om, she wants to be with him. I think his ex got to him using kids as leverage or something. It don't matter if she don't love me or want to be in family then she has to go on.
You shouldn't and dont care about what happened with OM and their relationship. Thats is none of your worry. Dont give him power or energy in your life about worrying why he kicked her to the curb.
She didnt show you any remorse or appreciation for helping her out. She acts like your owe her something. You are/were her rock and foundation, not her plan B. Start treating yourself like a plan A and accept no less treatment.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
She decided to stay with a friend. I'm glad she did, but kinda hurt. I should have known she would do that. She just went so wild, dragging them two babies behind her all over the place. Made her think I had lots of plans tomorrow. She asked "what you doing tomorrow" I said I have ever a life to live too ya know" I can't get the kids every second I have off from work. She replied " got you a date". I said " don't worry about it". I would say she was jealous but she don't care. She only sees me as baby's father. It hurts me so bad cause I love her so much.
I truly beleive FB has turned into a narsasis. She loathes herself and how many friends she can have and hang out with. It's ridiculous. I think it is such a problem in our lives today. People need to put down the phones and quit with the trying to impress the world. She'll never grow up, always putting her so called friends in front of anyone that truly cares for her, then when they go away she'll just get some new ones. I really don't need her in my life. Just being a single father is so hard with my schedule. Maybe things will change oneday. I hate to put my kids aside tomorrow but I feel like it's best.
FB is evil no question. However, marital problems and WWs predate Facebook. While I wish all social media would go the way of the Dodo, it wouldn't solve the issue of WASs.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
New development today, I got up early and was cleaning my house and ex called crying. Asking me what I had done. Turns out om has told her to get her [censored] and get out his house. I was so happy. Not because I wanted her to jump in my arms. But because I new she was safe and my kids.
Now she didn't have anywhere to stay, so my kids are homeless. She wanted to borrow money for a hotel but I didn't want to give it to her. So I told her I was broke.
Nice Guy Syndrome. Tell her the truth.
Quote:
I offered her to stay at my house and I go to dads. She said I ain't coming back to that house. Which hurt, but ok.
Hell to the no! You don't move out to accommodate her.
Quote:
Later on I guess she figured out she had no where else to go so she is staying at my place tonight. Which is fine I'll be at work anyway. Kids will destroy my clean house, and that's ok too.
She told me not to bother her when I get home, and not to tell anyone she stayed there last night. Which really upset me.
I got nice guy syndrome and am a doormat.
Advice please
You softened in 2 seconds. She knows she's got you. And don't take this the wrong way b/c I am not there yet either.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
you had an excellent opportunity to show yourself STRONG here, but you squandered it... i am sure another opportunity will come knocking at some point... be ready... be prepared... IN OMNIA PARATUS!
She has moved in with a couple worker. Seems really happy about it. I of course am happy, because om is gone for now. Kids are in a more stable environment. I don't know what to do now. Go dark? date? it's such a hard place to be. Let her go?
I'm afraid anything I do will speak the door shut on having my family back. She wants her space. No she wants to be single and date just won't say it. I'm trying to get her to go to Dr. To check her hormones. Her head is a mess. She agreed but we will see. Prolly just saying that she will.
I know I have to buckle down. Thanks vanilla. She did tell me she loved me in a txt last night. Slipped and said it on phone today. But immediately said sorry. She definitely keeping me hanging on as a plan b.
I know I have to buckle down. Thanks vanilla. She did tell me she loved me in a txt last night. Slipped and said it on phone today. But immediately said sorry. She definitely keeping me hanging on as a plan b.
Ya wow. I love you... I just don't act like it.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
I read in a thread someone said that if in the marriage I was the one emotionally not there that LRT, and going dark would not help me. This morning she text why can't I be a friend and be there for her.
All this confuses me because if I'm doing 180, then in my mind I should be trying to connect with her and be there.
Just trying to GAL. Been working out some. Trying to not loose anymore weight. Down to 165 from 190 so really that was kinda cool. Needed that gone. I meal replacements most of the time.
Been working on validating. Get positive vibes from her when I do. It just all feels like I'm doing it for nothing. But if I can learn it well it will help in other aspects of my life as well.
I have decided to take the kids to Florida for a weekend at the end of the month Be good for us, especially cause S6 starts school soon. S2 haven't been yet.
I know she's enjoying her life now, always getting to go places with friends, and hang out all the time without the wife aspect. She has to much help, don't think she will ever hit bottom enough to want me back. I just wish that their was a magic bullet.
I know she's enjoying her life now, always getting to go places with friends, and hang out all the time without the wife aspect. She has to much help, don't think she will ever hit bottom enough to want me back. I just wish that their was a magic bullet.
Yeah, when you find those magic bullets, I'll send you my address. I could use one too. Sad thing is, they don't exist...
As far as rock bottom is concerned, you never know. It may happen, and you'll have a chance to work things out. But you also have to realize, like you said, it may never happen. She may be like this for the rest of her life. That's when you have to ask yourself, "Is that someone I even want to be with?". So you need to focus on yourself. Be the best you can be for yourself and your kids. In the end, that's all that matters. You can't control her, and if she wants to be the queen of the trailer court picking up pit bull $hit, let her. You've got more important things to do...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
I know it's hard we all want some form of justice.
Her rock bottom isnt your concern, thats her journey. She might get there in 3 months, two years or never. You cant control that.
BUT, what you can control is your growth. And if she hits bottom you want to be the best you, you can be if that moment arrives. Because dealing with a person that's coming back up takes a lot of strength.
Work you hardest to become a person on a fool would leave. Make her out to be a fool.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Well her car is acting up. She msg me last night and mentioned it. One word response was sorry. She said"I think it's the spark plugs". I replied your smart. I know she was reaching, thinking I would say, I'll look at it tommorow, but I didn't. She called this morning about S6 dentist appointment. I was short with her, I was also asleep. Now I know I shouldn't fix the car, let her deal with it. What if she breaks down with kids? What if it makes her think I'm just being a douche. It's all confusing
If she breaks down with the kids and calls you, go pick them up. Don't leave them stranded. But you're right. Her car repairs aren't your responsibility. If she thinks you're being a douche, so what? You aren't trying to be a douche, are you? You're just giving her what she wanted. A life without you. If she mentions it again, just tell her she should probably go get it looked at somewhere...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
MTB, gave great advice about the kids and if the car break down. If she tells you she thinks its her spark plugs, it's ok for you to give advice, like you would a person on the street.
Her, "I think it's my spark plugs".
You, "hmmm, why do you think its your spark plugs.
Her, "because, blah blah blah.
You, "ok that sounds right or that sounds like it might be blah blah blah. Take it to the local auto store and ask for blah." Then you say, I hope that helps and end the conversation. No douche bag with that response.
Don't run to her rescue and dont go to the store for her. She's on her own now and being on your own, has responsibilities, like taking care of your own car.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Apparently she is going to trade it for a running car, prolly half the value. It's prolly something I can fix in an hour. It's her problem. I won't be buying her anymore cars, that's for sure. Looks like today she's starting to try to dance. Wanted to know what time I was dropping kids off at babysitter, it's not a concern for her she is at work. Never asked before.
My book the persuit (I think that's the name)will be here in a couple of days I'm excited to get it.
Hi Chris! Just read through your thread and had a few thoughts:
1) Don't feel like you are alone! There are people on this board willing to help... people who want YOU to succeed... to be a better and happier "you" and to have a better life, whether or not that life eventually includes a MR with your current W. I sensed some frustration and desperation in your posts earlier, as if no one was listening and even if they were no one would be able to understand or help because your situation was different or unique. I know exactly how you feel because i was in your shoes, once, just a couple/few weeks into my situation, and i will tell you this: You are right! Your situation is different! You could look for 1000 hours and not find anyone on these forums in exactly the same sitch as yours. But you know what? Even as everyone's sitch as different, if you look hard enough you will be able to find something common and something useful in just about anyone's situation, even if that situation is in most respects different from yours. And this is particularly true of people who post to your thread. Many if not most folks who have posted and will post on your threads do so because they see something they recognize... because they think they have something to contribute because of something similar in their own experience or background. So don't be turned off or get discouraged by becoming focused on what is different about someone wlse's sitch... instead look for the commonality, for the little nuggets that do match up and that can help you. I can tell you after being on here for more than a year now that pretty much everyone on here has something valuable to offer. I notice that both Sandi2 and artista have both posted to your thread... they are two of the most experienced and trusted veterans on these forums, past WWs themselves, and their insight is priceless. You are blessed that they have taken an interest in your sitch. But don't ignore other posters, either.... We are all interested and all here for you and want you to succeed! If at times your thread seems "dead" or you are not getting feedback rapidly enough, just remember that you are new here and people are still "finding out" about you and also that most of us have real life families and jobs, like you do, that stretch us pretty thin. So, hang in there, we're not going to abandon you, even if sometimes for brief spells it may seem like nobody is listening. We are here for you and, if you are a person of faith, know that God is there for you as well. Keep posting! (And another tip is to try to take time to post on other folks' threads as well-- it gets your name around in the community and people you post to are more likely to turn around and post back on your thread. You may think you have nothing to offer, but you do and, even if you can't think of anything by way of advice, even a kind word of support is greatly appreciated.)
2) WWs have all studied at the same "WW Academy" and/or have read the textbook. It never ceases to amaze me how similar the things that various WWs from such differing backgrounds and marital situations can all say and do nearly the exact same things! I am really shocked that someone in the psychiatric field has not noticed and documented the phenomenon, so commonplace does it seem from the posters on these forums. They all lie, they all temp check to keep you on as plan b, they all say some variation of ILBINILWY, they all want to live the "GGW" lifestyle and go out and party with younger and/or wilder friends, they all believe that their APs are their "forever soulmate" and they all put themselves first (even over their children). My own WW even said, numerous times, "I know I am being selfish and i don't care... it's time for me to take care of me and what i want."
3) I also noticed that you took note of how much of a loser and "scumbab" the OM in your case is. This is also not uncommon. Almost all WWs in an A are "affairing down"-- that is, having an affair with someone less desirable, usually much less desirable, than their spouse. Not sure i have ever seen a good explanation as to why this is so, though it does seem to be objectively "true", even at the risk of appearing to be hurling sour grapes. Whatever the reason, it lends even greater importance to GAL-ing and being the best "you" you can be. A couple of posters on here are fond of saying "be the type of man only a fool could leave." The specifics are up to you, of course, but fitness and "cleaning yourself up" are good starts. Alot of us as the years and marriage wear on tend to let ourselves go in terms of both fitness and dress. sounds like you have definitely gotten in better shape, so good job! Keep it up! Maybe try changing your wardrobe up, changing the way you shave, wearing cologne (or changing from your old cologne). I recall having a good friend in a similar sitch to me relating how his own WW had told him at various times how certain smells or looks (clothing, etc) would instantly bring back all the negative feelings and associations she had to him. So change things up! And do it for you, not for her. You might be surprised how much better it can make you feel. And members of the opposite sex (and eventually perhaps even your W) will notice. I know that mine did and said so fairly early on, even though it was months and months before she shook off her wayward mindset and closed off the OM and her other damaging relationships. But, like i said, don't do it for her... because she will see right through it and despise you for it. Dont just act like a better, more desireable man, BE that man. And that includes being a good father to your kids. There is a great poem posted somewhere on here called "The Lighthouse". Look it up if you can. You can't change her, but you can be the lighthouse. All part of being the best you you can be.
4) On the subject of the OM... Don't get too complacent or let down your gaurd just because OM has seemingly kicked her to the curb. The OM is not the problem-- her wayward mindset is. And until she kicks that, she will not be ready for the kind of relationship with you that you want to have. Not even close.
5) Your kids. Having children involved makes it tough, really tough. Especially when one is special needs. I am familiar with that aspect myself, having a son with very profound Tourette's Syndrome, which acts very much at times like autism and which some docs actually put on the high functioning end of the Autism Spectrum along with Asperger's. I was relatively blessed in that my own MR problems didn't come to a head until my children were older (16 and 17), but it is still not easy for them (and perhaps harder in some ways because they definitely pick up on that something's wrong). But, at any rate, i still know where you are coming from. Just be there for them, man. Be the good example and the bastion of strength and the shining light in their lives. They will need it.
6)If you are worried about their safety and have good reason to suspect OM is a danger, then ABSOLUTELY do something about it. Get a background check on the dude... or run one yourself through one of the dozens of online services. If you find something, you can absolutely take legal action to protect your children from him (consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to find out exactly what, but do NOT take chances with your childrens' welfare.)
7)Standing up to your W and reclaiming your balz: On the staying at your house, i know you said you work and you had "no choice" but... there is always a choice. She chose her path and it was away from you and the family. She turned herself out, she can stay there. You were actually given a great gift in her leaving of her own accord-- alot of WW's try desparately to stick around in the house, and in most if not all cases there is no legal right to force them out and it can be dangerous to try. But she left of her own volition. Change the locks. Get a babysitter or nanny for a couple of weeks if childcare is an issue. But she needs to feel the natural sting and bite and consequences of her actions. She will not feel those consequences if you welcome her back with open arms. Search for Doodlers 2-step plan, it is pure gold. I have read on here several times and it proved true for me and i think it is one of the most valuable truisms written her concerning WWs: "You will never be so attractive to her as when you are walking away."
8) Did i mention GAL? Of course i did, as does everyone else. Dont neglect it. The two most fundamental and helpful GAL activities i found and which i seem to hear alot about on here are fitness and faith, but you need to find what works best for you. Don't be afraid to stretch yourself and get outside your comfort zone.
Okay, so, another very long post from hoosjim. I am (in)famous for these, lol. Best of luck, and my thoughts and prayers are with you!
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
My gosh thank you, the support from strangers here is indeed amazing. I always read others I follow many, but am weird about advice because I am so new to this and really suck at dB and all things I should be doing. My WW is like all others in character with the twist of maybe drugs involved other than just pot. Her sister was a WW, got on meth right around same age as my WW. I just put this together the other day. As I may have mentioned, her father commited suicide when she was four, her mother and sister are on meth. I can see how her head is a mess. I still love her and hope to get her straightened out, I just loose more and more hope everyday. We are starting to argue more about kids, she's tigbtening her grip on my balls. I am afraid in a few more months it will be an all out war for them.
I appreciate everyone more than you know, as I spend hrs and hrs a day reading your situations and rules and guidance.
Yep she's mad as hell, I'm at a all time low cause I won't fix the car. What about the kids. Etc.
I read a lighthouse story somewhere about building it over time with resentment, and peeking out every once in a while. I can't find that story for the life of me
WW's on drugs are the worst. I speak from experience. I hope yours isn't, but if she is, buckle up. You need to be strong for you and your kids. You are going to see one of the most selfish monsters you have ever seen in your life. She will try to manipulate you and guilt you into getting what she wants. Keep a clear a head and do what you know is right. Don't fall for her tricks. You got this...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
Chris sorry about your sitch, I have been following on and off and you seem to get good advice from a lot of veterans, I would heed to every word they have to say. the lighthouse story is on Cadet's homework links, it gives me strength on darkest days and I love the picnic story too. The Lighthouse Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619
Well hell, not fixing her car has blew up in my face. I have an old car and my old truck here that is in her name. Since hers is tore up, she has threatened me with taking both of them, because she has to have a ride. She was irate and hesterical. Saying all sorts of mean sh@#. Now I must let her take care, and fix hers. I should have not left damn vehicles in her name. That's what I get for trusting. Man I never heard her talk to me like that. It was insane. She's high as a giraffes ass, or something. I'm lost for words. Well that helps the pain some, but now I just feel bad for her and kids. Be a doosey tomorrow over there fixing her damn car. Lol. Oh my I can just imagine. Sad to love someone so much and have to bere so much for them.
Were the vehicles purchased while you were married? If so, it doesn't matter how they're titled -- they're marital property, and she doesn't just get to have them. It needs to be the subject of negotiation and agreement and, until that happens, they're half yours and half hers.
Don't fix her car.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
Were the vehicles purchased while you were married? If so, it doesn't matter how they're titled -- they're marital property, and she doesn't just get to have them. It needs to be the subject of negotiation and agreement and, until that happens, they're half yours and half hers.
Don't fix her car.
^^^This. You should probably check your local laws or with your own lawyer just to be sure, but this is generally the state of things in every jurisdiction with which i am familar.
I am not a lawyer, but i DID stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.
Okay, so actually I am a lawyer, but, trust me... I really am a pretty decent guy.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
So this morning after she got done with threats, and talked me into letting her get the car. All was ok. I agreed to take a look at her car tomorrow when I picked up kids. We text a couple times while she was getting ready, she switched to sweet person almost instantly it was weird. She started a conversation, sent me a picture of her. I'm like wtf. In no time she was there, caught me off guard because I was going to go to bed before she arrived to just avoid her. I stood afar on the porch until the kids got out. They spotted me, daddy and came running. She followed, asked if she could use the bathroom. I agreed. She came in for a minute I hugged the kids and off they went. I walked them to the car.
I got text this afternoon she was talking about what was going on with her car, then she says idk I'm just done with this long day. In frustration. I asked what happened? She was complaining about her living arrangements and S6 was being mean all day, etc... I tried to validate some, I mainly could just say sorry, I hope it gets better.
I feel like she is getting tired of being out in the world without me to catch her all the time. Could just be me hoping that she hits bottom and clears the fog.
I hope the car situation goes smooth tomorrow. She should be at work so hopefully I'm in and out with the boys and all be good for the weekend. I'm ready to hug my boys!!
I know I'll catch h@ll here for the car sitch but my hands are tied here. I'm selling the car she is borrowing asap, then when her car breaks she's on her own.
Last edited by job; 07/18/1806:07 PM. Reason: edited a word
Sh** has gone nuclear again. Not with me and EW, but her living arrangements. I have the kids, thank god. I'll put the damn drama up in a little while. Journaling really, almost ready for new thread. How the hell do I come up with a title for all this bs.
Friday I looked at EW car while picking up the kids. As I suspected a simple fix. She pulled up shortly after I got finished, I got the kids and we left. She was pleasent, not in a bad mood. I even joked about sending her a bill.
Got home with kids and began to get house chores done. She called me, said her roommates boyfriend came home and hit her friend in an argument and they left. She said I'm glad you were not there. I said yes I know or the kids. She ended up going back to the house they got guy to stay away. Saturday guy came home and reconsiled with EW friend. She didn't want to be there with kids if he was there so she left, running out of places to stay or whatever she wanted to come stay at my house.
EW said she would set up a room for her and would stay nights I was at work and go elsewhere while I was home. I agreed, at this point in all this I'm just happy kids are home in a stable place.
Sunday rolled around I was taking kids to lake. She brought her bad and some things to the house in her friends truck and brought her car. While unloading the truck her friend begin to chat me up.
She said that EW wants our relationship to work. She said she told her she had to much invested that she needed to try and make it work. EW must have listened or had no where else to go, she stayed gone all-day sunday, but came home around dark thirty.
We didn't talk a whole lot, talked none about our relationship as was one of my conditions for coming and staying. She went to work today and I watched kids. She went and got take out and brought me food at work tonight a nice gesture even paid for it. I was shocked.
I mentioned something about Wednesday her staying at her aunt's. She was confused. Didn't know what I was talking about. Well I'm off Wednesday, aren't you going to your aunt's I said.
She replied well, S6 has to have dental work Wednesday and I was going to cook your favourite meal so I thought I would stay.
I'm blown away from these new developments, but also wiery. I don't know what she's up to, if is using me, wants to get back with me but don't know how to, or what the hell is going on.
Time will tell I guess, at least my kids are home for now. That's all that truly matters, I will continue my efforts of gal and see where this goes.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/17/1801:19 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
Please start a new thread. You have reached the 100 posting/reply limit for this thread. Thanks!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
