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#2795209 06/11/18 01:41 AM
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Chris06 Offline OP
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My wife and I been together for 12 yrs, married 7. 2 boys 5 and 2. We have had our ups and downs, but we loved each other a hole lot. I'm the bread winner, since she got pregnant with first child I let her stay home while I worked. We were super happy with first child, yrs went by 4, we got preg with second child. I worked on, she tended to house and baby. Everything going as planned. We had two beautiful boys we loved dearly.
We never had any help with kids, my family lived an hour away, she didn't have any family much, what she had couldn't help with kids. So we stayed at home most of the time when I was off work. We went here and there but never got to spend us time together.I was a dedicated father who didn't care to do things without my babies. I neglected her in that way for years. Never thought she'd leave. Thought kids were first.
About 4 yrs ago I needed to find a new job. One where I thought I could climb and help family. In my feild you have to start on night shift in plants. I consulted her, it was ok. So I did it. I got a new job, a good job with good benefits.
She was at home for 6 years with 2 babies by herself daily. I slept during the day and worked at night. We had our routine. I thought everything was fine.
I would complain about house not being clean, or clothes not being washed. Simple chores that I figured she had plenty of time to do. We argued every month about her paying bills on time or spending to much. Normal stuff.
For about the last year or so she would tell me Chris your pushing me away, Chris let's go on date night. Etc. I never had time. In February we had argument and she pack some things and left. Stayed gone two days, came back.
We had a good valentine's Day, everything seemed normal. She told me I needed to change and I didn't listen.
I am a homebody. If I'm not at work, I find projects around house, or maintain vehicles, always something that needs done. She's a social butterfly. She has so many friends I don't even know them all. Loves social media, I almost hate it.
At the end of April I was off a Thursday had to work all weekend. We were having a great evening, cooking dinner, kids, music going. She deliberately started an argument. We got mad, argued she packed all her stuff that weekend while I slept and left. That was 4/28/18.
I begged, I pleaded, done all the things I now am taught not to do. No good. She is staying at her aunt's house and has the kids when I'm working.
The first few weeks she stayed home with kids most of the time. Being really cold toward me, distant, ignoring txt, not answering calls. I never knew where she was, really hurtful.
About the last two weeks she has began to hang out with random people, partying, lying to me, just selfish attitude. All the blame on me.
A week or two after she left I found the Devorse remedy and have read it 3 times now. I have started tlr, back slid everytime. 2 days is the longest I been. I have to communicate about kids constantly.
She always wants my help still, money, car maintenance, babysitting, I don't have a free moment.
Is this WAW, or WW. I haven't found any evidence of another guy, but she tells me to find someone and move on. We will never be again, and all the hurtful and cold things they say.


_________________
M 35
W 28
S6 S4
Left 4/28
Chris06 #2795211 06/11/18 01:47 AM
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2795271 06/11/18 04:50 AM
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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2795277 06/11/18 05:19 AM
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Chris06, sorry to hear your situation. It is a very tough thing to go through. It has been the toughest thing I ever went through, and I'm not totally out of the bush yet. But it does get better with time. Your most important tool is Patience and Faith if you believe in God.

The toughest thing is when you try to use logic and tell her that you will fix things, you didn't know she was unhappy and you will change, but you get a cold response and she says something like "it's too late" or "I don't love you anymore". That's tough to swallow because us men are used to analyzing and fixing things. We want to be in control. When something is wrong, we want to understand it and fix it.

Also, every situation is different. I see some positives in your situation compared to myself and many other people here, but I could be totally wrong. First, your kids are still young which could play in your favor. Also, you know exactly what you did wrong: you were not paying attention to her, you worked away from home, etc. And she told you in the past exactly what you needed to do. So that's a good starting point. You know the things you need to fix in yourself. But you need to do them for you and not for her.

One of the concepts that I always struggled with, but you should embrace is what makes you attractive and what makes you unattractive to her. I know it's weird because you have known each other for so long, but that's how it is now. You need to accept it. You need to treat her as a stranger because she looks at you as a stranger (don't ask why. It makes no sense.).

And so you need to stop doing the things that make you unattractive. These include begging, being needy, weak... And you need to start doing the things that make you attractive, like showing confidence, being independent, strong, etc.

You should do a 180, meaning, in my understanding, you should change your bad behaviors totally. I also wouldn't recommend doing things to help her, just the bare minimum but don't get out of your way for her.

But be kind and gentle all the time. Don't do anything impulsive that you will regret later on.

Don't say things like I love you. Not the right time. Focus on yourself and let things take their time. I truly believe that your situation is not as bad as others, but I could be wrong. You need to give her time.

If she decides to come back or if shows interest, stay cool but gentle. Don't expect too much. She will not change all of a sudden. If she does, you will need to move slowly and understand that she could send you mixed messages all the time.

Understanding why is not important. Maybe she is confused. Maybe she has a plan. Who knows? You must learn that it doesn't matter. You have to do what you have to do regardless.


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2795280 06/11/18 05:25 AM
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If you do the tlr, in my opinion, it's not necessarily about not communicating. It's about not communicating when you're doing it to connect with her because she will sense that. I used to do it all the time, and I would convince myself that it was because of the kids, the house, finances, or whatever. But in reality, all I wanted was to communicate with her because I missed her and because I wanted to know what she was up to. When I realized that, I just stopped communicating with her and all these other things didn't collapse. My situation is different and my kids are older, so it's easier. But my point is that it's ok to communicate about the kids and other things when they are really essential. Just be careful when these things are not the real reason (you'll need to be honest with yourself).


Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2795320 06/11/18 07:53 AM
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I was constantly asking her if she was seeing someone else. She insists she is not. W I haven't done anything wrong, I just been hanging out with friends. I read all the wayward wife threads and it's her to a tee. I think there must be another guy. She's getting the emotional fullfillness I wasent giving.
I just can't understand why she wouldn't tell me if she was. If she truly wanted me to just move on, why not say yes I'm seeing someone you should too.

W. 28
Me 34
S6 S2
Left 4/28/18


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M 35
W 28
S6 S4
Left 4/28
Chris06 #2795373 06/11/18 12:07 PM
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Chris, you re trying too hard to understand. Nothing makes sense with wayward wives. I m like you. I was always looking for answers. 11 months later thinking and analyzing day and night, I can only tell you that it s a waste of time. It will only drive you crazy. You may never find a satisfying answer. It s about doing what works, mostly for you.

But you re right. There may be someone else. There are plenty of reasons for her to hide it. I think my wife has an affair, but I have no proof. The question is what will you do if you find out she is.

Last edited by Cadet; 06/11/18 12:14 PM. Reason: restored post

Me:49 XW:41, M:18 years, Kids: S18,S14
BD:JULY 2017, W moved out: DEC 2017
Filed for D: APR 2019, D Final: JULY 2019
kiro #2795375 06/11/18 12:31 PM
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Chris, I am not sure if you are still asking if there is someone else or not, but if you are stop. Either she is lying or she is not, but either way putting pressure on her at this point is probably not helpful. Don't ask about the relationship or the future or anything like that, because she doesn't see any future right now with you.

It sounds like, given your work schedule you were really distant and not available for your wife for a long time. Would it be a 180 to be available now? When she contacts you are you upbeat and friendly? The LTR is not about cutting off all contact, especially if you have kids. You need to communicate about them. It is about stopping pursuit and pressure. Dont initiate contact unless you need to for the kids or something else urgent. Dont respond immediately to everything, but when you do respond be friendly and upbeat - treat her like a friendly cashier in the store (I think that is the metaphor I read here.)

But the biggest thing is detaching and getting a life (GAL). Read and reread the detachment thread at the top of this page. I print it out and highlighted the important elements for me. And GALing and taking care of yourself (and your kids) is super important. Find what makes you happy, or at least distracts you, outside of the MR. Go to the gym, hang out with friends, work on your car, take walks, do yoga. Find whatever works for you.

This really s@cks, I know. But you are not alone. When in doubt, come here to vent or ask questions or just look for support.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Davide #2795390 06/11/18 01:31 PM
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Sorry to read about your sitch Chris, this is the best place for support though. You will get valuable advice here and can run your interactions to see you are faring. The veterans here say it is a marathon, so tie your laces tight and get ready. We are all here to support each other.

Davide #2795391 06/11/18 01:31 PM
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Sorry to read about your sitch Chris, this is the best place for support though. You will get valuable advice here and can run your interactions to see you are faring. The veterans here say it is a marathon, so tie your laces tight and get ready. We are all here to support each other.

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