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Ginger1 #2796357 06/17/18 01:25 AM
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Let me preface this by saying I am just about the least experienced dater ever, so maybe this is not how it works, but...

I don't understand why you are so quick to write off hatchet man.

Is a fast path the only possible path to a good thing? Can't you have a great date one week, and a few casual texts the next, and another date in two weeks, and gradually build a relationship?

Does it have to be all or nothing right from the start?


Me: 44
H: 44
Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10
Together/Married: 22 years
H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16
H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Rose888 #2796360 06/17/18 02:01 AM
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Originally Posted By: Rose888
Let me preface this by saying I am just about the least experienced dater ever, so maybe this is not how it works, but...

I don't understand why you are so quick to write off hatchet man.

Is a fast path the only possible path to a good thing? Can't you have a great date one week, and a few casual texts the next, and another date in two weeks, and gradually build a relationship?

Does it have to be all or nothing right from the start?


Valid question. I can see why you think that might be how it is with me.

No, I am not like that. I have so much on my plate, that constant communication doesn't work for me at all. But radio silence with no texts at all.... I am not into that. It's not all or nothing with me. But there has to be SOMETHING. I am not into nothing for a week then a last minute date sort of thing. Those days are over for me. Show an ounce of interest and effort. He had mentioned trying to get his brother to watch his kid so we could go out Saturday night. You think he would have told me yes or no? Nope, nothing.

If that makes me needy, then maybe I am? I just think there are certain manners to have. If you aren't interested, JUST SAY SO.


I realize I do not fit into today's dating world. There is a high level of inconsideration and disconnect. I don't want a relationship off the bat, I don't come off that way, but I want common courtesies. I am not someone you call up for a good time when you are bored.

I do have an expectation of being treated a certain way. I have been treated like crap from most men, and I don't want that anymore. I also have some sort of twisted expectation to be treated the way I treat them. Unrealistic, I know.

Ginger1 #2796408 06/17/18 12:30 PM
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On last vent, then I promise to disappear until I have something good to say:

ExH spent father's day with his best friend who's mother I am FB friends with. So I pretty much saw his day on FB. ALl the little families there dressed matchy matchy, and I had to see my daughter, exH and OWW dressed to match. I saw this at my nephew's pool party and tears just started streaming down my face. Luckily, I had sunglasses on. It was like someone punched me in the gut.

It's one thing to have your husband cheat on you. Another to have him do it when you are pregnant. Then leave you when the baby is born. Then for that that woman. Then for him to marry her. And have them stay together. Then watch them be a family. It is actually gut wrenching at times. ANd just cruel. I wish some days he didn't have to marry the one cheated on me with. ANyone else. But not her. ANd then I have to be always gracious to her. Because she is my daughter's stepparent.

Cruel is the only word I can use. Oh, and painful. No matter how over him I am, I may never be over what happened to my family. It just isn't right.

Then I come home alone and just cry, and on no one's shoulder.


I sent him a total P/A text too, but I don't think he realized it. I said "Happy Father's day, I saw pics it looked like fun. Cute matching outfits" I couldn't help myself. He loved the gift. I brought D10 to the craft store for her to paint something for him and she chose a picture frame. Since I have no pictures of her and her dad, I told her to ask OWW for one to put int he frame. He thanked me for everything.

To top it all off, I broke out in some sort of rash from the sun which has never happened to me in my life.

I still feel like God is testing me to see how much I can take. I'm pretty much at my limit. Seeing them today, as a family, kicked my butt and opened some wounds.

I'll be back again when I have something good to say.

Ginger1 #2796413 06/17/18 02:51 PM
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A rash from the sun? What kind and where? Were you taking any medication that can make you sun sensitive, like tetracyclines?

Ginger1 #2796509 06/18/18 05:29 AM
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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
To top it all off, I broke out in some sort of rash from the sun which has never happened to me in my life


Disney rash - or golfer's rash???

I just learned about this over the weekend! It's really called vasculitis or Hypersensitivity vasculitis and happens in extreme heat while walking a lot - like in a theme park or golf course. Do you have red spots on your lower legs? I guess there is some cream you can put on it but really the only "treatment" is sitting in a cool place, resting/not walking, with your feet up? My somewhat lazy friend that got it while on a vacation to Hawaii totally used this as his excuse to lay on the couch and do nothing for several days! LOL

Not sure if that's what you have or not - just thought it might be... or because I just learned about it I jumped to this diagnosis.

Matching outfits - OMG, soooooo not me!!!!! LOL. Someday I'd like to see who came up with the "statistical fact" that R's that start as an affair hardly ever survive. How can it be then that your H's did and my exW is on year 12 (or for all I know even more than that) with her AP? Yeah, that happened, but would you really want him anyway? It so totally [censored] Ginger but you really should consider yourself luck you are still not dealing with all of his BS - and you will be once you find someone. You'll be so glad you are no longer with him and not care.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DonH #2796521 06/18/18 06:05 AM
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Originally Posted By: DonH
Someday I'd like to see who came up with the "statistical fact" that R's that start as an affair hardly ever survive. How can it be then that your H's did and my exW is on year 12 (or for all I know even more than that) with her AP? Yeah, that happened, but would you really want him anyway? It so totally [censored] Ginger but you really should consider yourself luck you are still not dealing with all of his BS - and you will be once you find someone. You'll be so glad you are no longer with him and not care.


First of all, G, ditto what Don said about considering yourself lucky that you aren't having to deal with his BS, at least from the standpoint of being his wife. You still have to deal with his BS related to your precious D, but that is a whole other issue.

Don, I agree about curiosity where the statistics are concerned too. My XH married his affair partner not quite a year after we divorced. While they have not been married real long (about 3 years), they are doing well, by all accounts. Of course, the way I see it, he was married to his first XW for about 17 years, me for about 9, so that gives her about 4 1/2 if his trend of cutting them in half continues, so we'll see. I don't care if he marries every other woman on the planet, I won't ever marry him or even be anything but necessarily cordial for the sake of the daughters and grandkids.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
6 grandkids
Dawn70 #2796532 06/18/18 06:39 AM
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I am not on any meds other than my usual Zoloft, so it was kind of weird. Only on my arms and just itchy. A little better today, thankfully.

I know I am fortunate not to be with him anymore. It just stings watching them play happy happy in their matching outfits. I think it's kind of balsy to do that with someone elses kid, but whatever. His marriage will most likely last, until something better comes along, but he is extra undesireable now, so, yeah,they will will unhappily ever after. My mom was my dad's second M and that was almost 25 years, and this year I think it was his 16th anniversary with #3? So the statistics really are crap.

Well, my cousin decided to hook me up with a coworker and I have a date Saturday night. he is a divorced father of 2 very young ones. he was an actor (been in soap operas) a minor league baseball player, but he is also a project manager where she works.

Oh, and he's black. I have never dated a black guy before. I've crushed on a few, but never dated one. he is into the white chicks, as his ex wife was one. I appreciated the immediate text, making a date, choosing a place he felt I would like according to what my cousin said.

So, if anything, I have a date Saturday night instead of staying in with my Netflix.

Ginger1 #2796537 06/18/18 06:51 AM
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Originally Posted By: Ginger1
So, if anything, I have a date Saturday night instead of staying in with my Netflix.


And that date did not occur as a result of on line apps!!! Of course, as we've established, many times friends and relatives put two people together mostly because they are both single. smile But you never know.

Something I really admire about you G is while you do get down, pretty much no matter what, you always seem to get right back out there! That's an awesome trait!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
DonH #2796615 06/18/18 04:53 PM
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Hope the black guy turns out to be a good date. A couple things I've liked about black men:
They like my curves (I'm carrying a few extra pounds right now but even when I was underweight I always had a booty. ) it's great to be with a guy who considers it an asset.

Women in general and black men have faced similar struggles to be taken seriously in the world and often I find a mutual understanding.

People of all colors come in varieties of attractiveness, but the handsomest men I've known have been black men.

(Speaking of which, a physician in a new practice nearby came by my office to introduce himself today. My oh my. Movie star handsome black man. EVERY woman in the office commented. Too bad he had a wedding ring on!)

kml #2796656 06/19/18 01:17 AM
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There are so red flags to me that my cousin doesn't see as a red flag, because most people would think it is actually a great thing.

he was married in 2013, had 2 kids, divorced last year. The reason being? "It just wasn't working" They are very amicable.

To most, this is a good case scenario. To me? He's the type to throw in the towel when things aren't perfect. They had babies, for goodness sakes, how does it "just not work?"

That aside, my other dates haven't been all that good, my luck with men from every situation has s$cked, so I figure, I'll go out, give it a chance and see what he is all about.

I currently locked myself in my office because I am about to go ape sh!t on the social worker who runs so hot and cold with me and she had an outburst in the meeting this morning because I had said something she wanted to say. I would go to my manager on her, but she has been here 40 years, every one and their mother has went to HR on her I've been told, but not a thing has been done.

So, I either make enemies who will make my life heck, or I sit here and shut up and just go about my day, because I need the money, I have a child to feed and a house to buy.

Oh, so my landlord has only been showing my side of the house because the neighbors won't let him in. Someone wants to put in an offer but they won't unless they see the other side. He needs ot get cops to go in.

So, I have been letting him show the place whenever says make it hard for him. But he comes up to my door and asks and doesn't even call, so I can't avoid his phone calls. Then I feel like a real a-hole an di let him show it. But I was mad he scheduled more showings and at different times than he said on Saturday. I asked him to please not do that again. So, no on eis probably going ot want to deal with the drama of my neighbors which will affect the sale of the house. So hopefully, I still have time to bide.

less than 2 weeks until vacation. I need to decompress so badly because I am getting really testy and b!tchy.

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