Hello, i apologize if i have posted this in the wrong place, i am not very familiar with forums. Gently guide me to where i need to go from here on out.
Here's some background. My wife has been a stay at home mother for 9 of the last 13 years. During the last few years after our daughter was born (shes 4 1/2 years old now) my wife seems to have lost her sense of purpose. Unfortunately, i didn't pay attention to the signs which now seem so obvious. Fast forward to 1-10-18 and she has been hired for her first job in almost 5 years. We were so excited and felt some family goals were finally being achieved, with more on the horizon. It seemed like life was really getting somewhere for our family. Then suddenly, things came crashing down at a time our family was supposed to be on the upswing. I sensed something was going on with her when i noticed an increased habit of texting new friends from her new job and being very protective of her phone. She dropped the Bomb on me in late April with the "ILYBNILWY" speech. Stunned, i asked where this was all coming from. A few days later i discovered the EA with OM from her new job of only 4 months. After 22 years together, this is behavior quite unbecoming of her. The last month has been nothing but hell for all four of us (kids included). After doing research, i found the most helpful advice and information here, reading these forums. Everything seemed to match up so perfectly. I started seeing the signs of denial and anger from the last 2 years. First it was the decorating, signs all over our kitchen and living room saying "Love and Family", "Home, where family and love never ends" so on and so on. She would call me at work 20 times a day (slight exageration) just to talk. Then i started seeing her outbursts of anger at caring for our children and myself sometimes. I chalked it up to stress, i regret that now. Since the discovery of the EA our 22 year relationship quickly soured. I know i have gone against all the advice and stuff i read and continually nagged her with questions, concerns, guilt, etc. Knowing i shouldn't i kept hoping i would break through to her. Talks turned from "I am to guilty and ashamed" to "I need a separation and space". Then, the divorce talks came. I came home with some marriage counseling options and she told me she picked up divorce paperwork?!?! She has agreed to Full Physical custody of our kids for me. When i ask why she's willing to destroy our marriage and family, her only answer is "I don't know why i feel this way" and "I can't explain it". She agrees she doesn't feel any interest to work on or save our marriage and family. I see the replay behaviors now, though they began some time ago. She never really had the means of living out these behaviors outside of her weight loss, hair dying, etc. Once she began working and meeting new people, she truly disappeared. She stopped going to our sons baseball games. Stopped caring and paying attention to our daughter as much as she used to. The last month i have seen major signs of depression and she began withdrawing from me completely 3 weeks ago. She has begun distancing herself from anything requiring responsibility as to our children and focuses on her new job only saying stuff like "gotta make that money" and "I need a part time job as well". She tells me she feels i am just a friend to her now and only hugs me when leaving to work or coming home. This weekend, i have started looking for an apartment. She has agreed the kids should come with me for stability. I feel i need to move on for now and start worrying about me and the kids and stop focusing on her and our R. I guess i am ready to drop the rope and detach, but i am so afraid to move on alone with just me and the kids. So i am here, looking for support, advice, and answers. I believe she is cycling through replay, depression, and withdrawal. I believe the BD came later on in replay. Please advise, and thank you in advance.
Me 41, W 37 S12, D4 T23 yrs, M12 BD 4-19-18 ILYBNILWY
Before you give up, think about why you held on for so long
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Welcome to our little world. No need to apologize...you can post any where and people will be by to chat w/you and pick your brain a bit to help you to better understand what is going on and yes, to remind you to keep the focus on you and your family.
There are several things that I want to point out: 1) you are on moderation and will be for a day or so; 2) try to put your postings into paragraph form because it's easier to read; and 3) if you happen to have postings disappear, you can click the quick quote and remove the quotes around your posting and hit submit. There is no need to hit the notification button if your postings should happen to disappear. I generally review all postings throughout the day. Unfortunately, we moderators are not here 24/7, but come here often to guide, restore postings, and monitor how the postings are going.
You have plenty of homework to read as well as visiting the other forums and threads.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for the notes and advice, i will be getting to work on that this weekend. A lot going on in life right now so it's very hard to prioritize. I am hoping that deciding to move out with the kids is the right thing. It just feels my W is on a very destructive path.
Me 41, W 37 S12, D4 T23 yrs, M12 BD 4-19-18 ILYBNILWY
Before you give up, think about why you held on for so long
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Thank you for your responses. It's been a busy and eventful last few days. I would like to reply to some of the questions posed.
Gordie, the kids are ok. S12 is old enough to somewhat understand what's going on. His emotions have shown at times lately. I have spoken to him about talking to me or his grandparents when something is bothering him. He just needs to vent sometimes he said. D4 is thankfully to innocent to understand stuff right now. I love her very much and will be there for her. It will be hard for her in our new apartment when she starts to realize mom will not be there anymore for her.
My support network is small but effective. I have several family and friends to confide in, including my in-laws, who are just as confused as i am right now. Every little bit helps though which is why i came here to talk about my experience and share my story.
Dnj, W did not see a lawyer. I believed she was using the term and paper as a form of manipulation or threat. In fact, when she was at work, i took the time to consult a lawyer and gathered insight on how best to proceed if needed. Last weekend, we worked out the terms of a divorce and she agreed to give me full custody. All the paperwork is signed, i told her if she wanted the divorce so bad, she can pay the filing fee herself. When that will be, i don't know. The next morning she told me she was unsure about following through. As you will read below, i may just pay for and submit it myself.
We rent a home. We decided, while she seeks help from a therapist, she will live with her parents and i will move into an apartment with the kids.
Thank you for the advice and questions. Things are moving so quickly its hard to stop and breathe. New information came to light this morning.
She admitted to calling OM yesterday which struck another knife into my heart. I cannot tolerate being lied to any further and it helps affirm that my decision to remove the kids and myself from the situation was correct. I am scared of taking on the responsibilities of being a single father, but i will do the best i can.
I can see the pain and depression in her eyes. This whole week her eyes seem so different. Its almost as if she is doing drugs! This being a woman that has done little to no drugs or drinking her entire life. When we spoke for a bit yesterday, she told me she felt she was a "lost and hopeless soul" which concerned me. I have set my boundaries though and will not tolerate them being continually crossed.
I have a busy weekend planned with the kids. The plans involved W, but after this morning, i am not sure if i want her along now.
Last edited by job; 06/08/1808:06 AM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
Me 41, W 37 S12, D4 T23 yrs, M12 BD 4-19-18 ILYBNILWY
Before you give up, think about why you held on for so long
Ry, sorry you have to be here, but you are among friends.
If I were you, depending on what you want of course, I wouldnt aid in the divorce in any way. If leaving is something she wants to do, then she needs to do all the work.
My W also had an EA with a coworker. It was short lived, but I know how much that hurts. I can tell you that it isnt even really about the OP, its about the feeling they get from the interaction with that person. It isnt love. I can tell you those things, but right now it probably wont make it hurt any less. Just try to realize that what she is doing isnt about you, its about her and her own issues. You did not do this to her. Just try to focus on yourself and the kids right now.
She could be on drugs, but I think we all notice a change in the eyes. My Ws eyes always seem foggy and dead to me when they used to be radiant and full of life. My W also talks about feeling numb and empty. That also comes with a lack of sleep and a change in eating habits. I think between the lack of feeling, the lack of sleep, and the change in diet, that can kind of explain the foggy dead eye look they have.
Hugs to you, brother. We are here for you when you need us.
Thank you for sharing your experience with me sjohns6. My W keeps saying she has no physical attraction to him (i wish i could believe her anymore). This sorry excuse for a man is about as sorry as you can expect, which almost hurts me more than if it were a younger more handsome dude. Its obvious this guy is pretty desperate for attention himself! So i kind of do believe its more about the way she felt emotionally. She told me he hung up on her and said he wanted nothing to do with her, but I don't believe her. What was that quote? "Believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do".
My W is sleeping ALL the time lately. She came home yesterday and hopped into bed, fully clothed, around 6 and laid there the rest of the night. No TV, no phone. Just staring out the window and talking to our cat occasionally. Not much interaction with the kids other than a few words. I came home today and found her in the bed again around 6. She has been eating more lately as well, more than usual at least. But the dead foggy eyes is exactly what i see. Like she has no soul staring back at me anymore. Like she's dead inside, these souless eyes staring back. She had such beautiful brown eyes! A few weeks ago D4 climbed up next to her in bed and said "I'm gonna get a new mommy, this mommy is dead"!!! Where the hell does a 4 year old get that??
I am 97% sure she is not doing drugs, i would know. The eyes just look off, you can see somethings not right. When the kids and i leave, i worry about her. At least she'll have her parents close by, though she hasn't spoken a word to them in a long time! A serial complaint her mother has voiced repeatedly lately since this all started. I truly don't want a divorce, i know she isn't right. I regret filling out the paperwork out anger. I let my emotions get the better of me.
We'll see what the weekend brings. I hope everyone has a safe and fun weekend.
Me 41, W 37 S12, D4 T23 yrs, M12 BD 4-19-18 ILYBNILWY
Before you give up, think about why you held on for so long
So my wife initiated conversation with me this morning before she left for a "volunteer" work day. She said she wanted me to follow her steps. To separate, take time apart, and maybe reconnect in the future, possibly years away.
Says she wants to continue getting help for why she feels the way she does and still can't explain why, she just says "that's where i'm at right now". I asked her if she still wanted to divorce me and she says "possibly, we'll see"????
I am not sure how to communicate with her right now. As hard as i try, whenever she talks like this, i can't help to start asking questions. Can anyone give me some advice on how to best communicate with her right now? I am completely lost at where she is mentally right now? I almost feel like she's testing me to see if i will accept her terms? To see if i am willing to hang around. I don't know what to say or do, i am so confused.
Me 41, W 37 S12, D4 T23 yrs, M12 BD 4-19-18 ILYBNILWY
Before you give up, think about why you held on for so long
