Gordie #20: patiently living my life

[Gordie]

Leah sue wow I missed your post before hope you are well

Over rainbow thanks for checking in we have a tight group over here in MLC

I do read over in newcomers sometimes to chime in and it is nice to hear about quick wins but over here we are all in it for the long haul for better or worse richer or poorer etc

Gerda that is so kind of you to say and I had not thought of it that way that yes maybe there is more love now than ever

Just seems that the love in unrequited at this stage but hopefully not forever



Journaling

I love summer

Garden looks great

Beach has been fun

Diet good

Weight good

Consistently working out

Looking sharp if I do say so myself

Work going well

Church has been good

Have been socializing more with friends

Much more comfortable doing these things without w

W has been continuing to want to join in the fun

Anniversary and vacation coming up

These are trigger events so a little anxious

After this season in 2016 was b d

After this season in 2017 she ran off with OM2

I can only control me

If it was meant to be it will be it will be

[HaWho]

Don't hesitate to reinvent trigger dates like the anniversary and vacation. BD was a big one for me. The next year I went away to a place by the beach all by myself. I had not done anything by myself like that in 14 years! Everytine I drive by that place I have happy memories! And now BD date is co-mingled with that retreat.

There is much good looking at your list. Just because she has no wind in her sails doesn't mean you have to be the same. Live like she's not going to wake up, invest in you and you can't lose long term.

[job]

HaWho, very well said. Gordie, you can't stop living your life because your wife is not completely there. Life is precious and you must continue moving forward. Remember, the past is gone, the future is unknown and today is the present, a gift of time....use it wisely for tomorrow, is a new day with new adventures.

[Gordie]

HaWho and job thank you for the encouragement

I am a better man but still a work in progress

Example of the week

W was really vexed

She was acting like she was when things were bad

Turning her back to me if we were in the same room

Giving me death stares

Inside I was in a panic and mind racing

Is she filing for d again

Is there om3

And then she finally let me have it

She was really upset about an event with the kids in which she felt unwelcome

I listened

I did not take all the blame

But I could do things differently to make her feel more welcome

And afterwards she was all happy and normal

She gets terribly upset about things

And then holds it in and resentment against me builds

Letting it out after a few days is a big improvement over holding it in forever




So some advice

W has developed new interests

That are very different from my own

I am fine with that

Issue is she wants me to participate

But I really have no interest

Do I continue to politely decline

Or join in to show I support her new interests

[AndrewP]

So some advice
W has developed new interests
That are very different from my own
I am fine with that
Issue is she wants me to participate
But I really have no interest
Do I continue to politely decline
Or join in to show I support her new interests

I used to joke that the three little words that "saved my marriage" were "Have Fun Dear".

For a while my ex did Warrior Dash. It was "her thing" and I wasn't allowed to participate but I did go out of my way to be there for the actual race, cheer, take pictures and congratulate her. I would then leave her to have fun with her friends. She really appreciated that.

I think that for a number of us here that we were / are married to people who are self-centred and rather controlling. So that means that they and their interests are central. If memory serves this describes your wife as well from what you've said in the past.

Personally I believe that a good relationship requires compromise and that sometimes means doing things that you might not be interested in. I spent a lot of time in craft stores and watching her clothes shop. She would occasionally go paddling with me and was patient(ish) with my own clothes shopping / browsing. Reciprocity wasn't much of a thing in my former marriage.

Not sure if that helped or not but if you do push her away, she may well go.

[Gordie]

Andrew

Thanks the does help some but let me explain a little more

Part of my question relates to where I am in my situation

I am not yet piecing or am I

Her actions say she is trying on this relationship with Gordie again but is not yet committed to it

I work a lot

I have a lot of kids

I have little free time

W activities take a lot of time

And they do not involve kids

So if I do these activities with her it means I am not doing what I want which is spending time with kids or doing my own activities

If she was all in on rebuilding our m

I would go all in on joining her at least sometimes

But in this current state I have been keeping my distance

Certainly do not want to push her away

[Kyh]

Hi Gordie, it’s been awhile and I wanted to stop by. Sorry you had to deal with w acting that way to you. Sometimes w/ex I want to treat her like the kids “use your words” it would solve so much.

About w’s activity, is it something you can do w/her some times and not a huge commitment? So you could compromise and do it sometimes. I wish I had something better to offer.

You sound like you’re doing really well, keep up the good work!!

[AndrewP]

I am not yet piecing or am I

Her actions say she is trying on this relationship with Gordie again but is not yet committed to it

I think you've got this exactly correct albeit perhaps more optimistic than I am from the outside with my limited knowledge.

Now keep in mind that I'm pretty cynical. To me it would appear that she is expecting you to do all the work in repairing a marriage that she doesn't want to give up because it's comfortable and respectable. Again - without specific knowledge, it does look like you are Plan B that she's currently parked at. If a nice Plan A wandered across her field of vision she may be off with the fairies again.

I haven't read you posting anything about her having regrets or remorse other than when she got a dose of reality when you were one foot out the door. That scared her into thinking that she was stuck with her choices. Choices that would have not been as comfortable as what she wanted.

There's a concept called "branch swinging" where you don't give up what you have until you are certain of a good landing spot. In my case I pushed my now ex off but in such a wimpy way that she may well think that I am still a Plan B but she chose go keep chasing after OM (still hasn't caught him yet). Your W is standing on branch Gordie but still has the rope in her hand to swing off I believe.

Just before she moved out my ex was horrified and outraged when she thought I was giving her an ultimatum him or me. She actually threw her wedding rings at me but then quickly put them on again when I backed down. I would imagine your own W would react similarly if you were to do the same. She still left.

You've got a lot of sunk costs both practically and emotionally and it's tough to throw that away.

In many ways you are doing what is "right". Not because it is effective but because it in sync with your own moral compass. Theoretically you could indeed do this forever. But I personally still do believe that if a high value target comes into sight that she'll be gone again.

I wish I knew what to advise you that would both be helpful and also in tune with your own beliefs. I believe you are getting some IRL help - what do they counsel?

#TeamGordie

[Rose888]

A few thoughts, which might lead to conflicting advice. ;-)

If I remember your timeline correctly, your wife made a lot of changes before you had any indication there was trouble in your marriage. The two biggies I remember are that her spiritual beliefs changed and she started a business when before she was a SAHM.

And although you supported the business (at least on some level), I remember you saying that you were not as understanding or respectful of some of her changes in religious belief.

Am I remembering correctly?

If so, I can see your wife trying to figure out if returning to the marriage would mean returning to her old self, or if she can keep any of her new self in a new marriage.

And if so, it might be important for her to share her activities with you.

It sounds like participating some of the time is an option, so you would not need to give up your priorities in general, just choose to make her the priority some of the time.

What would your 180 behavior be?

Studies show that doing new things together lights up the same parts of the brain as new love.

Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

[Gordie]

Rose

Thank you

You remember correctly

My signature is no longer working and not sure how to get it back

So w and I used to share religious beliefs and now we no longer do so

Maybe I should read about mixed religious marriages

She says it is okay if we believe different things

She is usually respectful of my beliefs

But clearly is trying to convert me and the children

It definitely makes things even more complicated