Gordie #20: patiently living my life

[Gordie]

Gerda

Enjoyed the song and was surprised that is what you listen to which was extra special to get to know you better

Journaling

W has been picking more fights with me usually on issues where I have a clear conscience so just listen and defuse

This is a 180 for me from when I would spin and defend myself and try to point out the flaws in her attack

It still hurts that she feels I am the source of her unhappiness but whereas it used to be 100 percent my fault at least now she acknowledges other factors

Another good thing is this allows her to vent and then she too releases her anger and recovers instead of giving me the silent treatment or staying angry for days

Shake it off and keep moving forward

[leahsue]

Hey Gordie,
This is Leahsue, and I've been gone a long time. I just logged back in to see how everyone is doing..... I just haven't seen many names I recognize yet, but I did just start looking. I will read up on your story, and see how things are going for you. I hope you are happy, and doing well. Hugs.......

[Gerda]

Gordie, you are an inspiration in your ability to not justify yourself.

I know it hurts. You are brave to keep walking through the hurt. I hope you feel God is with you as you walk.

I am very happy that you liked the song! Didn't you find the lyrics to be so apt as far as our lives?

I am very curious why you were surprised that I listen to music like that. Is it because I am such a devout little flower? I don't really listen to Christian music except Jenn Johnson and a few others from Bethel. I like loud heavy music like Soundgarden, Nirvana, etc. when I write especially. I love Florence and the Machine and Aurora and Sia and Lana Del Ray and all those kinds of ladies. I listen to some rap and hip hop, mostly the artsy kind that would be in the Colors Project on Youtube but I love for example the new song by JayZ and Beyonce! One of the happiest nights of my life was going alone to hear Ray La Montagne at Carnegie Hall and I get to see him again at Radio City this fall!

I love to be by myself and go to movies or to hear music alone when I can, which is almost never now but that's what I did before kids. My mother bought me the Ray LM ticket for my birthday some years back and then something went wrong and they sent me two tickets by way of apology, but I really wanted to go alone so badly that I sold the other ticket on craigslist. I had to pretend that I wasn't going because I didn't want to have to talk to the person to whom I sold the ticket. So at the concert I never said a word to the person sitting next to me just in case she would be able to figure it out! It was such an amazing concert, I felt like I was flying for days after.

Wow, that was a long ramble.

[Gordie]

Gerd

Hahaha

Yes think I got a different impression of you

I have never gone to the movies or a concert by myself

Always with someone



Journaling

So topic of church today was when God does not answer your prayers in the way you want and the idea that we are made perfect in our weakness

I am feeling more hopeful that my w is still baking but has been making more progress on her own journey

Some days she wants to spend a lot of time together and honestly I sometimes find that to be too much and do need some alone time

Question is who is this new woman who rejects all of her former beliefs and values

Second question is I too have changed and who am I now and what do I want

What remains the same are my own fundamental beliefs one of which is I committed to this woman for life before God

Truth be told I struggle with this and what this all means

Maybe there is a happily ever after with reconciliation and a better marriage

But there is also a real prospect of divorce

And another real prospect of a loveless and sexless marriage

Trying to be realistic and patient and faithful

[bttrfly]

{{{{{{{Gordie}}}}}}}

[Gordie]

Just want th support what ciluzen wrote to faceman

The importance of letting the MLC spouse speak and feel heard

What C wrote has worked for me

W throughout her crisis has been a talker including blaming me for the breakdown of the marriage and criticizing my parenting and rewriting our history and that the world is flat etc

And the mistake I made at the beginning and maybe the big mistake of my old marriage was not being a good listener

Not being a good listener included arguing and apologizing and defending and interjecting and offering advice and suggestions

I learned over time that silence is my friend

I just need to sit and listen

My boundary was not listening to anything about OMs

But yes what ciluzen said was true for me in that she really does want to be heard and feel that yes she can feel safe saying anything without me reacting

Sometimes this is for two minutes and at other times an hour or more

[Ginger1]

Personal opinion Gordie: Is a sexless, loveless marriage really a marriage?

[Gordie]

Ginger

No to me that is not a marriage

But that is kind of what I have now

[Gerda]

Gordie, if you are a Christian I defy you to say your marriage is loveless. In a certain way, your love is greater than than it ever was when it was returned. It is easy to love when you are loved back. What you are doing now is perhaps a truer love. Your love is only enabled by something divine in you because your fleshly self could never love her now. Don't listen to the lies of the enemy in your head telling you about those future possibilities, there may be an outcome you can't imagine, and God already knows what it is. Keep being patient. Did you ever read The Hobbit? I am thinking of them in the dark forest not realizing they were near the end, and doing something that prolonged their time in the darkness for a long while because they lost faith. You don't know the end of this story, your mind does not need to go there right now. You are not at the end of your rope yet, so just be where you are and don't let those lies loom up in front of you and offer you despair. You are in the light even if only God can see you walking in it and surrounded by darkness. We can see it too.

[ovrrnbw]

Hi Gordie, I came and "stalked" you after you posted in my thread. I wanted to read more about your situation.

Just wanted to say that I like reading about your progress. You seem to have made a lot of positive changes, and even though your W doesn't react well to them, that may change. I feel like it takes a while of seeing someone who has changed before we really believe it.

So keep it up!