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So I need help/advice...do WW go through an extreme anger phase? I caught h8ll when dropping D at Ws place even though I asked if it was ok and she said it was. I have never experienced anger like this from anyone I have ever dated. D was crying, it was a terrible scene. Sandi/Jim/Acc somebody tell me if this is normal


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Sure, some get very angry. The WW basically blames her H for all that's wrong in her life, and he is target of her anger.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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How about trying to control to whom her LBH can speak to? W is trying to create a narrative where she is the victim and then trying to keep me from any contact with her family so as to allow in her mind at least justification for her actions. When you see the real rage in the woman who was your W...so sad although it did for me at least push me further towards letting her go. To make our D cry...NO that is completely unacceptable. Thank you Sandi! I have never experienced anger as intense as I have from my W.


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With every WW comes various degrees of anger, entitlement, manipulation, deception, etc. Although WW's are similar in mindset and even behavior..... their background/history, personality, experiences,.........causes individuality, just as with any other classification.

Just bear in mind that waywardness comes from her own volition. Nothing is forcing her to behave badly. You do not have to stand there and take her wrath. People know who they can unleash their anger upon, and who they can't. Know what I mean?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thank you Sandi that makes sense. In the large amount of reading I have done of what you have posted I just did not get a real sense of the anger I might face nor anything on WW desire to control the story so to say. I get that each will customize beyond some core behaviors.

Yes understood. I took more than I probably should have but I was consoling our D who did not want me to leave. As I say these actions do help free me from wanting anything to do with her. After I left as she is known to do I then got a text where she threw some anger at me. Saying we were no good for each other, she will file immediately, whatever she could. She probably was hoping I would trigger on those but I ignored them and then as is her pattern after the initial spew, she changed back to being a normal conversation. Believe none of what she says, feel like I have done a good job remembering that rule.

I am leaving her be but I do wonder every day where my sitch will go next. These random anger events can sure make the week a long one! Thankfully my focus is fully on my D and myself. Appreciate your reply!


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Morning vent/reflection...well W and I managed to work out a new 4-3 schedule for D. When I'm not traveling for business I'll see her more. It's going to be tough on all of us though. There are no winners in this entire process. Feeling like pushing this stuff through..I stressed about it, cried out to God why we had to go through this pain, but knew we had to and so did it. Tough having any belief in hope as by taking these steps, D seems more and more assured, but I've read in other threads where many times this stuff is kinda of like required to get the sitch to where it needs to be. Don't understand that, but can only say that I'm facing head on the challenges life presents as they come. I have no option really to go around them anyway.

As I said yesterday W spewed certain doom and gloom. Toughest part when hearing such things feeling like there's something I can DO. I'm thankful that I did not react, but I do know when "the bullets start flying" so to speak I'm not performing as optimally as I could be when we get like that and I hope to improve myself. With further detachment and more work on not fearing her, I think I can improve. Staying calm in the storm.

Hoping for some peace the rest of the week. The emotional toll this takes on a person...thankfully I force myself out of bed and to the gym and I have been sleeping lights out. It will be wonderful to have my D with me for Father's Day. Trips to the beach and to visit some friends with her will be so good for my soul.


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Ballast this may help I read recently that- When things seem to be at their worst it allows for God to work in a miraculous way so that he may enrich you with gifts far greater than you can imagine. In the same breath remember that God will reveal all the answers in His time not yours. Be patient and stay the course. Blessings!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Thank you for those words Wlf! I said to my W in this process we all lose. She disagreed, but I do think that with us configuring our lives consistent to what being D'd would look like, that it will highlight to her what she can expect if we go through the process.

As folks say if you are going through H*ll keep going. I know that God will not abandon me and I continue to pray for him to help me be patient, accept his time, keep my heart open and find HIS way into my wife's heart/mind.

I wish the same for you as you've wished for me!


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Quote:
Yes understood. I took more than I probably should have but I was consoling our D who did not want me to leave. As I say these actions do help free me from wanting anything to do with her. After I left as she is known to do I then got a text where she threw some anger at me. Saying we were no good for each other, she will file immediately, whatever she could. She probably was hoping I would trigger on those but I ignored them and then as is her pattern after the initial spew, she changed back to being a normal conversation. Believe none of what she says, feel like I have done a good job remembering that rule.


I'm glad you are feeling freer.

Do you want to know how to stop some of that text rage.......or even when she's saying that type of stuff to your face? Agree with her. When she says you are not good for each other, you could reply with something like, "I agree". B/c right now, you aren't good for one another. The problem with a lot of H's, is they want to counter everything the W says, and it infuriates her.

Let me give a longer example.

WW: "I don't love you anymore".

You: "Okay, I can accept and agree that you don't".

WW: "I want out of this M. I deserve happiness".

You: "We both deserve to be happy, and currently, this is not working for either of us".

WW: "So you are saying you want a D?".

You: "I'm saying I don't want this kind of MR".

WW: "Fine! You can expect to get the D papers".

You: "Do whatever you need to do".

(She may, or may not proceed with D papers).

Now, the above dialog may scare some LBH's and think they have signed their M away. Truth is, their MR is already gone. The only hope is to have a new one. Maybe it will even be with this gal, but you don't tell her so. She has to have time to work through her issues, and it is going to take a long time. What this type of dialog does, is take some of the wind out of her sail (hopefully). I mean, when you agree with her......would she continue to blast you away? IDK, if she has anger management issues, she just might.

Here's the thing.......if she wants a D so badly that she has turned into a raging lunatic, what are you accomplishing if you try to argue and tell her why she shouldn't get a D? And, if you try to persuade/convince her to give it another chance.....she's just going to fight you that much harder. She sees you as her #1 enemy. I have seen how agreeing with the WW often makes her relax and end the fierce fighting..... and some have even reconsidered the decision to D. At least, it takes some of the heat out of their interactions.

I hope this will not confuse you about standing up for yourself. If it does, let me know and I'll try to do a better job at explaining.

Let me say a word or two about the scene in front of your little girl. My son went through it with his little one, and it is gut wrenching, to see your children being torn apart. If the mom is the one who is causing the scene over you being there to console the child......it's probably best just to hug the child and leave. B/c the longer you tarry, the louder and angrier mom is going to get.......and the more upset it will make the child. Mom doesn't like it b/c the child wants to go with you, and she's just trying to make you get out of thete. Can you see how staying only makes it worse in the long run? Unless you fear for the child's safety, my advice is leave quickly. Things will calm, once you are gone.

Here's another thing I've learned about children coping with the parent that is leaving. If at all possible, it usually is less stressful if the other parent comes to pick up the child from your place, if the child is going to spend the night with the other parent. There may still be a few tears, but they seem to do better if they are the ones going bye-bye. Also, if the daddy drops by the family home at the child's bedtime, it tends to be more traumatic to see him leaving right before time to go to sleep. (Of course this has the same effect if it is mom dropping by to say good night to the child).

Asking the child if she is going to miss mom/daddy......or things along those lines, seems cruel to me. Who wouldn't cry? My MIL was never contented to just kiss the grand kids and tell them bye. She had to keep on & on until she had them crying & begging to go or stay with her. It would frustrate the living daylights out of me. As if she delighted in seeing them begging to be with her! What kind of an rational adult does that to a child?

I don't think parents should make phone calls to say goodnight when the child is getting ready for bed, either. There is something psychologial there that stirs up those insecure or lonely feelings for the child. Instead of reassuring the child that daddy will see her soon, it just reminds her that mom and daddy are separated and one of her parents won't be there tonight. My advice is to call before dinner, or soon thereafter.......if at all possible.


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Sandi I do get what you say about agreeing with her to help diffuse the situation. Thankfully I knew better than to try and counter, but I see where agreeing could have helped. If/when the next time this occurs, I will remember that.

I have long ago accepted that the MR we had is dead and gone. And from reading and LEARNING much of what you have written, I understand W will have to process her feelings on her time. It is not for me to involve/intercede/whatever into it. And no it does not confuse me, I should continue to stand up for myself while fully accepting the reality of her feelings and what that means for the future of my life.

W to me at least does not express concern on the impact of our sitch on D. Thank God that yesterday was the first and only time so far where D became directly upset. D knows something is up and she is feeling and expressing it. When with me, she misses W and I know when with W she misses me. I will never be disrespectful of W to D. Only by her labor and God's blessing was it possible for me to be a father to such a wonderful baby girl. I understand what you are saying about not tarrying. Leaving quickly would have shortened the trauma time. Again I will remember that if this situation arises again.

There will come a time shortly where W and I will pick D up direct from daycare without seeing each other. Definitely makes sense that it would be easier for the child to leave than the parent. My dropping her off and leaving I won't do anymore unless absolutely required because I can see the value in what you say. Thankfully I don't ask her if she will miss me and I tell her to be a good girl for Mommy. When it is she and I, at bedtime I tell her that Mommy loves her and Daddy loves her. There is nothing in this world more important than the quality of life for my D. NOTHING! And lastly, once W departs with D there is no bedtime call or communication which might increase the chances of her feeling lonely or insecure. Very hard not to have that good night, but again D's getting through this is THE most important thing.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
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