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Good morning all...I'm grieving today. Nothing in particular beyond dealing with the continual pain of this roller coaster I'm on. I had a good weekend of GAL, went to the gym this morning (forced myself). I'm just battling against depression I feel and the constant unrelenting angst of losing all that I most loved and cherished and feeling like I failed my W. These days I feel even more like just curling up in bed and staying away from the world. Father's day upcoming has me emotional. So happy that I'll have D with me, but so terribly distraught in thinking that I've failed her by not being able to give her mom what she needed in a MR and therefore a happy family with both parents present full time.

At night these days I wear my ring and other jewelry that my W gave me over the years. How proud I've been of those symbols of our love and commitment to each other. Cried like a baby and begged God for his help and mercy. I'm living such a dichotomy these days. On the one hand I can and do see at times some light towards my future, but at the same time I grieve like I've never done before for a love and life that means everything to me. At close to 4 months in I know folks will say I'm very early days yet in this process...just hard to have hope (but Stander I'm trying and sticking to your words of encouragement!).

W will not even acknowledge me presently. Since taking my ring off, this has been the normal. It pains me terribly that we are as we are, but I know her silence is her action based on her feelings and as that's out of my control, I simply go on. I don't know what else to else beyond I'm in terrible pain like many others of you who've found yourself here. I pray that for all of us God will continue to bless us with his grace and have mercy and comfort on our suffering hearts.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
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ballast, the dual emotions in these sitches are real. No way around it. As others said the grieving is part of the process, and it is better to go through it rather than around it.

ballast, I do wonder what it was you were trying to accomplish with the ring removal. Most expert related to anti-divorce say that as the LBS you should keep your ring on. Were you looking for a reaction from your wife with that decision? You appear to be opposed to the D so why would you do something that acknowledge the break up of your marriage?

I know opinions are mixed on this board about wearing or not wearing. And I know many others suggest that if your spouse removes theirs than you should too. I disagree with that vehemently. If you are married you should wear it until the time when you are no longer married.

Anyway, hang in there, it gets better. You need to realize that while you made mistakes in the MR you were still there. When the going gets tough it is no excuse to leave the MR, or to step outside of it either. So your W is more to blame for the problems currently in the MR than you are. Despite what she says (remember: believe NOTHING they say and only 1/2 of what they do).


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Steve...what would you think if I wanted to put my ring back on?

And yes I did NOT leave, I would fight for our MR if I could...actually scratch that...I would work committedly with W to make a new R for the two of us that we could both be happy with.


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I would say put it back on. You are still married. A decision like that (removing it) doesn't have to be permanent.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Any thoughts/ideas on positive/negative effects? Seem wishy washy? Desperate?


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Ballast,

I am in a similar situation. When I first left the house, I took off my ring and left it on the dresser in the bedroom. It was a dumb decision - an attempt at emotional manipulation. Later on my W told me that she couldnt bear looking at it so she put it away. Now I dont know where it is. I just left on a 2 month trip without it.

I think you should do whatever feels best for you. Dont do it to get a reaction out of her. If you feel better with it on, wear it. If not, leave it. Dont focus on her reaction.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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Thank you Davide...when I took it off it was about me seeing how I felt about having it off. I was so trapped mentally into being needy, wanting to save the MR that I held tightly to it, likely too tightly. I had to take it off for a while to "breathe" if that makes sense. I had to acknowledge that the MR I knew was over and I had to allow myself a chance to experience the possible future of my life, not by dating or anything like that, but removing the ring allowed me to accept that there will be a future for me with or without my W. Thing is last week I found myself putting it back on and saying "It Matters". I AM a man who stands for marriage and believes in commitment and doing whatever the hard work of marriage requires. H**L I have not even had the chance to do/try the hard work with my W!


Me:34 W:40
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BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
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ballast,

Putting your ring on or taking it off is secondary to your demeanor around W. If you take it off and keep pursuing her it really doesn't matter that it's off. If you put it back on but "act as if" your life is grand and it doesn't matter what she does, she's free to do whatever she wants and it doesn't impact your emotional state, then it doesn't matter if its on. Does that make sense?

Whether you wear it or not is subordinate to your state of attachment and pursuit. If you put it back on, she *may* want to engage you in a conversation about why you did it, and that is a danger zone, because you don't want to engage in R talks, and you don't want to be intimate with her and share your feelings -- that's not where you are right now.

Regarding your depression, please consider talking to your doctor about SSRI's. In my sitch I had two bomb days three years apart. The first time I just gutted my way through it, the second time I talked to my doctor and got a prescription for anti-anxiety meds and an SSRI. I just went on a very low dose but it made a big difference for me. It wasn't a "happy pill", it didn't change my personality. All it did was prevent me from brooding. You still have negative thoughts but you don't obsess or spiral when they occur, you move on much more easily.

If your leg was broken, you'd certainly entertain taking some pain killers. If your heart is broken you should do that same, or at least consider it.

Acc


Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced
M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11
Start Reconcile: 8/15/11
Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced)
In a New Relationship: 3/2015
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ACC...thank you for replying!

Yes what you say makes perfect sense. I have not ring on or off been pursuing. I simply want to STAND!

Point taken on if I put it back on triggering a convo. Definitely a danger zone. Had already been thinking about that. Had only gotten to a man can change his mind OR a man can make a mistake. Best I got so far.

I do hear you on the depression as well. I will consider it, although I do feel while I have my sad moments, with the passing of time I continue to get just that bit stronger each day.


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
Joined: Apr 2018
Posts: 776
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ballast Offline OP
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help...so I get an email..."we both know you've moved on" meaning me...how do I best reply?


Me:34 W:40
D1:4
M:7 T:8
BD:3/18
D Final: 6/19
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