I will stand up for myself and I have pushed for the L because it has not gone well the 2 times we've tried to talk about separating finances in person. Im trying to figure out how to stand up for myself while also being a man and honoring my word of helping her get her own place. I know lawyers are going to say Im paying money I dont have to give. Lawyers are about battling for money. That is not what Im looking for. I know I dont have to legally. We agree on 50/50 custody. We want to stay out of court and L only does mediation. It needs to be fair.
She hasnt been able to work since March because of my work schedule. IF we pay for daycare its more than shed earn. She has been waiting to work until I have time off to care for D3. Will it happen- her working, I dont know.
She currently has all credit cards / checking account etc. She has no job and theres no way she will just give me all those cards and take herself off the checking account. Am I going to do physically take them from her and say youre SOL. As if thats going to help the situation?
I scheduled a meeting with a therapist we saw for counseling just prior to meeting with attorney to get an experienced opinion on things.
We are splitting profit from our house sale- 45k each. June 28 settlement. That is what she will have to her name if we D.
$1000 per month is not enough to live in our area she will have to pay utilities, cable / internet etc. That plus $1325 rental is what I agreed to pay - for 3 months. I already paid the security deposit.
Things I am thinking about in settlement agreement.
We agree to 50/50 custody in writing.
She is working at least 20 hours per week OR earning $2000 per month or more by the end of September. This may mean she has to work another job with documented hours besides starting her own business.
She has said that if we are splitting finances we should split checking account as well. This would be the only split if we D - would need to be in writing. There is not much money there and I have a lump sum of money coming through my employer late summer / early fall. May be financially beneficial to split now rather than wait until potential divorce later. If we R it doesnt matter anyway. If we D I save... win / win? This was not in settlement agreement she verbally agreed to already. I am probably not going to bring this up and if she pushes I will push back... If she wants $1000 spending money per month. One or the other. She has 45k lump sum and thats more than enough to cover additional expenses.
No OM at rental while D3 is there. Since Im on the lease part of me wants to say no OM there at all but that seems like Im trying to control her and it needs to be her space.
I think Im going to say I get a key as long as Im on the lease. Have to let her know before coming over as she has done at our house since she left.
After three months the settlement agreement (3 months we agreed to prior) will end. And we will re-asses our marriage and future at that point.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Did, you have stated all of that before. Are you trying to convince us or yourself?
Things are said on BD out of emotion. Your W stood up before witnesses and professed her commitment to you until death do you part. FORSAKING ALL OTHERS. She broke that word. So I think going back on you wrongly promising to enable her with this rental PALES in comparison. You keep mentioning the down payment ($1325). Your house is selling on the 28th. Seems to me you could move into the rental and tell wife she is welcome to move in there too, but otherwise she needs to find her own accommodations. That solves the "I already shelled out $1325" issue.
But again, all your decision. You restating the finances for us again isn't going to convince me that you are doing the wrong thing. I respect you not wanting to be all about the money. I can get behind that. But that is the right attitude for the D settlement, not prior to that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
When you refer to the separation agreement, do you mean just a verbal agreement between you & W? B/c I don't think that's much protection. And, if you have a lump sum of money coming in a few months, I think she'll expect her portion of it, also. If a D comes, I think she'll go after part of your pension and anything else the laws allows. I still say you need to speak privately with your lawyer.
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No OM at rental while D3 is there. Since Im on the lease part of me wants to say no OM there at all but that seems like Im trying to control her and it needs to be her space.
I think Im going to say I get a key as long as Im on the lease. Have to let her know before coming over as she has done at our house since she left.
Well, she'll certainly see this as controlling. Why would you be going over there, except to get your child? Why do you feel the need to have a key to her place?
If you use the fact your name is on the lease as your advantage........it certainly won't help draw her closer. You wanted to help her get a place to live, but you should have thought about the fact she can invite whomever she wishes. If that's a problem, then you need to discuss it right now......not after she moves. I doubt she thought you would expect to have a key and tell her who could or couldn't be invited. So, get that straight, first.
If you give her financial support.....with "conditions" attached, it will do nothing but cause more resentment in the relationship. There will be resentment from you, and from her. This hole you're digging seems to be getting deeper.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Did, you have stated all of that before. Are you trying to convince us or yourself?
I've been wondering the same thing...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Standing up for myself vs controlling her is a fine line I do not want to be on the wrong side of. She sees it as me controlling her Of course. Playing control card. She also gets very anxious dealing w stressful issues. So there is that card as well
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
W texts me today says I appreciate you just want to say thank you. I know this is a hard couple weeks down you (my busiest part of year working 2 weeks straight Andrew some 13-14 hour days).
Not reading much into it.replied thank you hope you have a nice day.
Going to play with D3 or pick her up for a hike or ice cream. Detaching to the point i am unsure if I want to be with W. I know it would take her committing to serious work on R herself and MR. . I see this angry person who gets really anxious and harsh when stress pops up. Someone I am not sure can handle lifes challenges when it gets hard. It is almost like a role reversal between us in some ways. She used to be a kind caring strong deep great communicator sexual intimate person. Now she says she is stronger but I completely disagree.
I want a deeper connection with my partner someone who is My best friend and can talk about anything. Someone who cares about me as much as themselves and our children (w prioritize D3 over everything). I think one of the most important things for Kids is a happy marriages. . Someone who is excited about growing together working on ourselves our relationship and our future. Someone passionate who would never choose to sleep in separate bedrooms.
We have L consultation June 26. Going to say a few words about what I want in my partner. If she shuts down or says I never see that happening / that is not what I want we can D and that is ok. She has sad she needs alone time to heal. It may be just words but I will give that to her if she is receptive. Also, I will not agree to split checking account w her if I am paying rent plus 1000/mo spending money and paid security deposit. That is a lot of money as it is.
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Really missing W today. Trying to be grateful for what I have. We grow through the struggle right?
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
100% correct. If you don't let yourself feel the pain you can never get through it. You can do this!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Things I am thinking about in settlement agreement.
We agree to 50/50 custody in writing.
She is working at least 20 hours per week OR earning $2000 per month or more by the end of September. This may mean she has to work another job with documented hours besides starting her own business.
You should definitely document the custody arrangement including how birthdays and holidays will be handled. My ex and I agreed to be flexible and try to share time with the kids on those, but legally the paperwork had to say one or the other gets them and then the next year the other gets them for the same day. IE, if I had the kids on Thanksgiving and ex on Christmas in 2013, then in 2014 she would have them on Thanksgiving and I would have them Christmas. That's the way it had to be documented, but in actuality we have always worked it out to where we both see the kids on each holiday.
As far as her having a job, no that would not be part of the separation agreement. That's not your business. Your business is what YOUR financial responsibility is to HER. How she makes ends meet beyond what you give her is HER business.
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She has said that if we are splitting finances we should split checking account as well. This would be the only split if we D - would need to be in writing. There is not much money there and I have a lump sum of money coming through my employer late summer / early fall. May be financially beneficial to split now rather than wait until potential divorce later. If we R it doesnt matter anyway. If we D I save... win / win? This was not in settlement agreement she verbally agreed to already. I am probably not going to bring this up and if she pushes I will push back... If she wants $1000 spending money per month. One or the other. She has 45k lump sum and thats more than enough to cover additional expenses.
Legally what you make in the M is community property if she's not working. So yes, she could be entitled to half the lump sum since you are still married. She could also be entitled to a portion of your income. These are very, very complex matters and you should discuss them with a lawyer unless the two of you are in full agreement on everything.
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No OM at rental while D3 is there. Since Im on the lease part of me wants to say no OM there at all but that seems like Im trying to control her and it needs to be her space.I think Im going to say I get a key as long as Im on the lease. Have to let her know before coming over as she has done at our house since she left.
I don't think you can use a separation agreement to impose restrictions like this, again you might want to get some legal advice.
