Separated - Patience & DB or Divorce?

[SteveLW]

You should never keep her from your daughter. But you should be detached and awesome while she's there. Remember sandis rules!!!

[Did]

Going to reread sandis rules and detaching a couple times.

Her birthday is Tuesday. Got her a card... May just write all the best on your birthday, you're the best mom I know... maybe I hope better than last...

For mine in february she wrote the last year was rough, whatever this year brings I know well always be able to work together and have the highest respect and a lifelong friendship.
(Then when she was here to give me the card she privately added)
You are are a rare quality of man dont every forget it. Im proud of your growth and ability to always reinvent yourself.
You always try to do whats rigt and I think that is the best exmple our daughter could have. You are a role model to many and Ill always think so highly of you. Thank you for being you.

[Did]

I hope this year is better than the last*

[Did]

Recovering from Nice Guy Syndrome... how can I get the respect back... have to be mean? I have told her things like clean up after yourself but I think its going to take something bigger like meeting with L and being like Im ready to divorce or mediate soon. Been reading on here a bunch... do what feels wrong like fighting a bully knowing Im going to get beat up? Anyone have an example of someone who was successful in this situation?

[mtb1981]

Recovering from Nice Guy Syndrome... how can I get the respect back... have to be mean? I have told her things like clean up after yourself but I think its going to take something bigger like meeting with L and being like Im ready to divorce or mediate soon. Been reading on here a bunch... do what feels wrong like fighting a bully knowing Im going to get beat up? Anyone have an example of someone who was successful in this situation?

Do not do things with the purpose of trying to make her happy. Do things for yourself that make you happy. Learn to say no. You do not have to be mean at all. It is not about being mean or intimidating. It is about putting yourself first...

[Did]

Thanks MTB thats good / easy advice to follow. Cant worry about her reaction do what I think is best for my daughter and I. Im starting to accept that I cant trust her words.

Like many here I try to think my W is the kind, deep, intellectual, funny, sexy, person I love married had a kid with. But she doesnt show me that side, who knows if she is that way around OP. Try to think shes different, shes not that bad. But in reality she is the same as most here. Maybe its subconscious and she is trying to be a good person but she is the same. Maybe she is lying who knows. But I know her phone vibrates constantly at times and she is secretive about it. I know she is not choosing me over OP and coming back so it is what it is.

She asked about coming over this morning to help D3 get ready for gymnastics. I said no Im fine we need to do more things separate if were separate. If were working on being together then we can do things together.

Soon after she is offering to plant plants for my new place, sand and paint patio furniture... I said whats up with trying to do all this stuff for me all of a sudden. She said being mindful and thankful / nice or whatever. I just said thumbs up... allow her to do this stuff?

Remember I work a lot and she doesnt so I realistically cant do everything. I am probably going to add something about her work in our separation agreement, meet w L at end of month. Something like W to work at least 24 hours per week or earn at least $2,000 per month by the Sept 15th. Separation agreement will be 3 months - starting July 1. Then if there is no improvement maybe file for D at end of that agreement Sept 30... still have 90 day cool down period (in PA) to decide if we want to work on things after filing.

Thanks all!

[SteveLW]

Like many here I try to think my W is the kind, deep, intellectual, funny, sexy, person I love married had a kid with.

She isn't. It isn't that she isn't showing you that side, it is that she ISN'T THAT ANYMORE! This is something sandi tries to get the LBH to understand. She is not the girl you married.

Now, is it possible for you to have a healthy MR with the new woman she has become? That is up to her first, and you second. You can't control the first, and if you want you can wait around to see.

As far as letting her do things she offers? That is up to you. The key is not to read anything into it. It could be she is doing it to get out of her parents' house for a while (IE it gives her something to do). Or it could be a first step back to the family. Or it could be that she has a little bit of NGS (Nice Girl Syndrome, yes it affects both genders). Or it could be guilt about ripping your heart out, slamming it to the ground and stomping on it.

Those opportunities usually give you a chance to interact with her and therefore show her how awesome you are becoming. I lean towards saying yes to these things for that reason. But if you do, by all means BE AWESOME. Don't be whiny, sad, angry, upset, etc. Be pleasant, present, pleased, happy, and emotionally healthy.

[Did]

Thanks Steve, you're right. Focus on me. I am in a much better place than I was months ago. And in the marriage too. Much more positive a lot of growth personally. But still a long way to go.

Its pretty sad that shes not the girl I married anymore and may never be again. She was pretty awesome, she turns 32 tonight. I wish there was more I could do. But I guess Im doing more than enough in financially supporting her getting her a place etc. Too nice as it is... still have the urge to fix / compete and win etc.

I know Im not all powerful I didnt kill that girl. It was her decision to stay in the bad marriage and not leave earlier and hide emotion, cry in the bathroom instead of talking to me. Wait a year to leave when she made her decision and get sick from holding it in.

[SteveLW]

"I know Im not all powerful I didnt kill that girl. It was her decision to stay in the bad marriage and not leave earlier and hide emotion, cry in the bathroom instead of talking to me. Wait a year to leave when she made her decision and get sick from holding it in."

Did, here is the thing. You could have done everything right. You could have been the world's first perfect husband. And this still could have happened. As you rightfully point out this was all her decision. Yes she blames you. Yes she blames problems in the marriage. And she may have some legitimate complaints.

However, no husband is perfect. No marriage is perfect. Yet there are still W's that stay in their marriages and work on them to make them better. Instead of tucking tail and running, or sleeping with someone else, or whatever else spouses do when they bail on their MR.

Imperfect husbands (short of physical and/or severe emotional abuse (note, this is rare)) and imperfect marriages do not justify jumping ship.

[Did]

Thanks again Steve. Note to self me being a less than great husband does not justify jumping ship.