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Why does she have 9 months before she can divorce you?


H: 33 W:32
M: 5 T: 8
D: 4
BD: 6/2017
MO: 6/2017
House sold: 6/28/18
W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18
Paying $ support since 7/18.
Physical Reconnect- 10/18
W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
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Posts: 953
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In the state we live in a couple has to be separated 12 months before either can file for divorce. I guess that is good for me.

That said, my wife has still never mentioned the D word. The strongest thing she said was that she didnt want to be married anymore. (I know I am parsing minuscule differences in an attempt to feel better about the sitch!)


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
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Posts: 575
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My W got the paperwork for D last October then broke it off with OM and came back saying I was her ideal man and professing her love for me. Wish I was on this forum and DB then...


H: 33 W:32
M: 5 T: 8
D: 4
BD: 6/2017
MO: 6/2017
House sold: 6/28/18
W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18
Paying $ support since 7/18.
Physical Reconnect- 10/18
W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 575
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W texts me I miss her (D3) can I play with see her sometime tomorrow. My first instinct is to be honest and say come in the morning my parents are coming in the afternoon and I would never hold our daughter from seeing you. She also allows me to visit when I work a lot. So its only fair right? Advice highly appreciated.

In the past I would of offered breakfast or coffee (Mr nice guy syndrome- bad - working on it). I think I will just say yea my parents are coming around 12. Come whenever in the morning.

I have D3 Fri through Mon morning. The longest in a row Ive had her because of my work schedule (and months ago because I was soft and thought her having D would make her not go sleep with PA #1. As I went out and made mistakes at bars and told W I wanted to be with her while dating others - after she told me to date... immature loser- wish I was her sooner. Im hard on myself but working on forgiveness... yea I made a lot of mistakes and have come a long way- still a long way to go).

So I work a lot of nights. I have her 3 nights in a row. Then will be working almost the next 2 weeks straight with basically no time for overnights. Going to miss the Sht out of D3 too so I will have to ask for visits.

Also, I feel like my wording is always wrong in our conversation or text. I have gotten much better at stopping pursuit, giving physical affection, spying, looking at social mediate, obsessing, thinking of her sexually with me or OM or whatever. But I still talk positively to her too much building her up as a good person. Have to just validate without saying as much I guess. Not sure about not responding to texts unless she asks a question, that seems just rude and disrespectful. I dont want her treating me that way.

My W is lonely Im sure. She said all her friends are busy. She always says all that helps her is alone time. But when she gets it for more than a day or two she doesnt like it. I dont think she knows what she wants or what shes doing. I dont think she knows herself although she comes across very deep, perceptive and intellectual, I think she is lost inside. As I find my true self and work to be my best self I honestly think life may hit her like a truck at some point. A big part of me feels like if I detach completely I may never want her back, unless she also works to be her best self. For me it has taken dozens of therapy appointments, switching therapists and therapy modalities, tears, books, anxiety, depression, sleepless nights, hundreds of minutes meditating. So it has been A LOT.

OM she says she hasnt seen in months and its just been supportive texts but its "more than a friendship". He has his daughter over weekends or maybe shed be with him. I dont know, I dont ask. I try not to ask what shes doing and at times she tells me which GF shes with and gives me details. I give advice too often. Maybe I trust her too much even though I dont trust her? She never lied in the MR but since has many times "to not hurt me". Her and OM havent met kids. I think its an EA but they used to sleep together so its just an A, who knows. I think hes unavailable due to work and used to being alone, his daughter his priority, and she always has chosen guys that dont give her as much as she gives or dont like her as much. Dad abandonment issues / mom parent alienation (That was me 8 years ago playing pro lacrosse doing my thing - we fell for each other - I wasnt sure I wanted to commit to her... things changed with time). Yes I have given this too much thought. And I think about it about 80% less than I used to. A lot of overthinking here, I think ...

Compared to many WOW mine is not terrible, although she was 8 months ago with first rebound as she calls it or PA. D3 is always the most important thing to her no matter what. She is not out flaunting her very good looks or ridiculous body. She could have sex all the time and she chooses to stay at home most of the time.

Sorry I end up rambling on my posts. The amount of knowledge and experience on here is insane. Anyway back to real life and the 50 parent emails I have to respond to.

Thanks all!


H: 33 W:32
M: 5 T: 8
D: 4
BD: 6/2017
MO: 6/2017
House sold: 6/28/18
W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18
Paying $ support since 7/18.
Physical Reconnect- 10/18
W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 616
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It kind of sounds like a bit of a covert contract. Giving her what she wants in hopes of getting what you want in return, and I don't think that's going to help you in the long run. If you are going to do it, do it without expecting/wanting anything in return. Me personally, I would tell her tomorrow doesn't work. That you already have plans with D and your parents. Like they say, your W needs to feel loss. I see her coming over to spend time with you and D as cake eating...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
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Thanks for perspective mtb... Even though I was going over to her parents for weeks to see D3 when I was working?

Covert contracts are something I did all the time from NMMNG. Didnt realize it was a form of manipulation until reading and considering...

I know that she will and expect that I will visit D3 when she has her and Im working. We have discussed and both agree that good parenting is a top priority and seeing D3 is a top priority for each of us.

Its a weird situation with me getting her a rental, separation agreement verbally agreed to but have to put in writing... meeting with L in a couple weeks.

I think she does cake eat. I want to stop it and get respect back without being a Dck. I was previously following another save the marriage program which talked about accepting all family time without expecting more and just be nice and pleasant dont push etc. So taking the family time makes me look kind of crazy.

Thank you for the perspective. Ill text her back when I wake up.


H: 33 W:32
M: 5 T: 8
D: 4
BD: 6/2017
MO: 6/2017
House sold: 6/28/18
W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18
Paying $ support since 7/18.
Physical Reconnect- 10/18
W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 575
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I meant taking away the family time makes me look kind of crazy. Now stopped pushing anything focused on detaching, my 180s and D3 / GAL when time allows. Detaching for me is more of a idea that the MR is over and I need to work on myself for me.

She has always been very flexible with my work schedule to allow me to see D3 and have her whenever my work allows. Ill probably work in my office for an hour (I could use that time) while she's here.

I have been trying not to do the fake family time thing. And I completely stopped spending time at her parents house... at Sandi's recommendation.

Even though we were getting along at those times. Counter intuitive right? She mentioned things like Ive really wanted to hug you more after me being upbeat / good dad and giving all my attention to D3 while at her parents a month or two ago. She doesnt really like her family or being there. But I dont want a hug I want it all.

Trying my best to DB and hoping for the best even though I waiver and get impatient. Working on consistency, patience along with many other traits I never recognized I had until recently.


H: 33 W:32
M: 5 T: 8
D: 4
BD: 6/2017
MO: 6/2017
House sold: 6/28/18
W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18
Paying $ support since 7/18.
Physical Reconnect- 10/18
W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
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You still take her at her word. Remember believe nothing she says. NGs will often clasp on to an2tthng positive their WWs say even though the WW is just saying it to spare your feelings. Especially when it comes to OM.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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She comes over this morning. Not much interaction. She asked if she could eat here. I said if you want. She made her own breakfast I used to make for her previously thinking being nice to her would cause positive reaction. She played with daughter then put on a movie and left after about an hour.

She offered to get a rug at local store she saw on sale so we can each have a rug for our bedrooms at new places. Says she doesnt want to spend money. Offers to drop off a few groceries for daughter. I dont say much just try to be nice. Was working in my office.

Always waiting for some breakthrough like her to come to me... Watching her play sports with daughter definitely pulls on my heart. At times I find myself looking at her like damn shes beautiful... have to detach further. Work in progress...


H: 33 W:32
M: 5 T: 8
D: 4
BD: 6/2017
MO: 6/2017
House sold: 6/28/18
W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18
Paying $ support since 7/18.
Physical Reconnect- 10/18
W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 575
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I feel worse after she leaves, sad feeling. I guess I shouldnt let her come? But I know I will want to visit D3 when she has her and I cant have overnights... just detach and be kind?

Thanks


H: 33 W:32
M: 5 T: 8
D: 4
BD: 6/2017
MO: 6/2017
House sold: 6/28/18
W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18
Paying $ support since 7/18.
Physical Reconnect- 10/18
W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
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