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Vanilla #2796319 06/16/18 12:48 PM
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HelenaJ Offline OP
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M: 43, H: 44
Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs
S17, D15, D8, S6
Still living in MH
HelenaJ #2796376 06/17/18 03:49 AM
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Oops, I must have forgotten the dang apostrophes bc I was on my cell phone. Basically what I said was that the uterus definitely contracts during a female orgasm and that maybe for some women the contractions aren't strong enough to feel but I definitely feel them and orgasm would definitely not be the same for me.

Anyway, was a very long hot day yesterday but the game was fun to watch. They lost 0-2 but I love watching her play, it's always fun. There were 8 of us in my minivan though bc I invited MIL and FIL and D15 brought her friend. Traffic was horrific as is always the case on 95 haha, so, it took us like twice as long to get there as it should have.

My interactions with H are extremely limited but I can see myself getting a little more detached, able to be a little nicer rather than seething resentment. Trying hard to let go and still be able to function...I'm not a depressed person and I usually have plenty of energy but I'm finding myself not wanting to talk to anyone, not wanting to go anywhere, not caring as much if the house is a mess, I just want to withdraw inside myself. My situation is so weird, I'm ashamed. Ashamed that my M has fallen apart and I don't even know what I would say if someone asked me what happened. "I betrayed my H's trust and then he emotionally left the marriage and said he could never give me his heart again"? Is that really my story? Is that how it ends? I feel like there is so much in between but that could simply be justification on my part.

Today the Littles came with me to buy fruit and I got Starbucks for the Bigs to bribe them to wake up haha. Then we made Daddy a fresh fruit breakfast. Next we go to Incredibles 2 and then we spend the afternoon at MIL's little beach or come back here if it's raining. Should be a nice day for him.

Happy Father's Day to all of you Dads who are hanging in there, enduring your personal struggles while trying to do the best thing for your kids. Cheers to you all.


M: 43, H: 44
Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs
S17, D15, D8, S6
Still living in MH
HelenaJ #2796542 06/18/18 07:18 AM
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Originally Posted By: HelenaJ
My situation is so weird, I'm ashamed. Ashamed that my M has fallen apart and I don't even know what I would say if someone asked me what happened. "I betrayed my H's trust and then he emotionally left the marriage and said he could never give me his heart again"?


this is may be why you do not want to talk with anybody--you don't want to have to explain yourself in case someone asks... not wanting to go anywhere... could be you are feeling melancholy... blue...

not caring as much if the house is a mess: have you ever seen the movie Friends with Money? there is a character in the movie, played by Frances McDormand, who stops caring enough to wash her hair regularly... she finally admits that it's because she's just going to have to do it again the next day... what's the point? sometimes we get tired of having to do the perpetual...

--artista

artista #2796608 06/18/18 02:45 PM
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HelenaJ Offline OP
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Thats part of it...how can you make any friends or let anyone get very close when your life is a mess like this? Idk. I feel like its a secret that needs to be kept, at least until I decide if I want to physically separate.
I havent seen that movie but I like her as an actress, sounds like it might be funny and I could use some humor!
I feel like Im in a bit of a catch 22 bc I dont see things changing between H and I while were living in this scenario. And id like to stay as a family at least until S17 graduates so that we can skip the awkwardness of being newly separated during the important milestone events of this year. But Im also really sad that were going to experience these important events in this way-so deeply broken on the inside. These events that should be really wonderful memories are going to instead be experienced with such a dark cloud hanging over. Some days I wonder if by holding on im delaying what could be a healthier R.
Ive been thinking lately that H is a way better DBer than me ha. He can act as if better than anyone I could imagine and does very well at treating me like the cashier. Hell offer to buy my wine if hes going to the store or make me something specific for dinner if hes already making it for himself....its like he already knows how to do all of these things perfectly that we all struggle with here on these boards...detach, differentiate, act as if, GAL, take the focus off the R....why does this make me angry?? It makes me angry that hes so GOOD at this. That he can be otherwise kind while simultaneously making me feel that Im simply unworthy of his love? And here I am, so ugly and full of resentment that its hard for me to even speak or look at him. If ive learned anything from my mistakes its been to handle even the darkest moments with integrity but yet here I am hating myself bc I just cant/wont behave the way I need to. I feel so completely less than.


M: 43, H: 44
Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs
S17, D15, D8, S6
Still living in MH
HelenaJ #2796613 06/18/18 03:56 PM
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Hi Helena,

It's hard having so many conflicted thoughts. Eventually you may need to separate from your husband to either reconcile or move on because it sounds like this stand-still has been going on for so long and isn't healthy for anyone, but that's understandable if you're waiting for your son to graduate. It seems cruel and especially hard when you're suffering so deeply and your spouse appears to be busy and doing fine on his own. I guess the one who withholds the love and affection is more empowered but with some effort surely you'll soon make some progress towards focusing on other things. Perhaps you first need to make peace with yourself and that can be the hardest thing to do. It seems you're actively thinking, posting here, and working on building up to making changes so you can at least commend yourself for that!

NicoleR #2796627 06/18/18 09:32 PM
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Your WH isn't DB he doesn't operate to restore R.

You Do.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


NicoleR #2797468 06/23/18 09:24 AM
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Quote:
Eventually you may need to separate from your husband to either reconcile or move on because it sounds like this stand-still has been going on for so long and isn't healthy for anyone


It's true that we are very good at stand stills. H has always been one to ignore when he is angry and I used to hate it sooo much. I would pursue him and ask him why he wasn't speaking to me, etc. But we've been together a really long time. I eventually caught on that nothing lasts forever and I just need to out-wait his nonsense and I would carry on and I sort of learned acting "as if" by default. The more I acted as if the more he did too. Something would eventually stop the stand off, usually just time and then conversing about normal stuff and then things would just get back to normal. I feel like our R has been filled with these types of head games-neither of us talks about how we feel, we just act as if we're getting along fine without the other person. I used to talk about how I felt but it's been so long I don't know how anymore and I don't trust how I feel....I look for external validation on whether how I feel is "right" or "wrong" because my feelings are never ever validated within this relationship.

Quote:
I guess the one who withholds the love and affection is more empowered

Story of my life.

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with some effort surely you'll soon make some progress towards focusing on other things

I registered for a ladies only handgun class, I've been wanting to learn how to use my gun. If I find it fun, maybe I can spend some time at the range occasionally.

Quote:
Perhaps you first need to make peace with yourself and that can be the hardest thing to do.


For sure. I don't know how that will ever happen, especially with H insisting that our problems are all my fault. And while I know that it's not ALL my fault, the breaking of the trust IS all my fault and it just doesn't seem to be repairable. There is no peace to be found.

Quote:
It seems you're actively thinking, posting here, and working on building up to making changes so you can at least commend yourself for that!


I'm not sure the changes I've made will bring me any closer to reconciliation, but I think I've conveyed the message that I'm done being beaten up over and over and that I've accepted if he wants to live as roommates there is nothing I can do to change it. I'm letting go. Hardest thing ever. It feels like it is my choice sometimes because I know some things would be easier if I would just "cooperate", but I know this is not my choice and I tell myself that on a daily basis.

Update:
H is out of town this weekend with S17 for track and I stayed home with the other 3. Last night we watched Peter Rabbit and had popcorn and snacks and tonight we're going to the men's semi-pro soccer game if it's not storming.
I don't see how much of anything can change. With H pronouncing that he is never going to trust me again and will never give me his heart again, what does "trying" even look like?? How do I "try"? That is a very serious question.

This has not been a hasty decision for him but rather something he's been feeling since the company party 4.5 years ago. Before he told me these things, I WAS trying. I was so frustrated and at times very hopeless because I could sense his feelings but tried to keep hope that it would change in time. We had a fine life on the surface but all the rotten underneath remained until he finally told me his decision (which was almost a relief because he would never admit the real reasons for his behaviors and so I kept thinking I could change it somehow). If I couldn't change things then, when we were still being affectionate and intimate, there is no chance I'm changing them now when I have one foot out the door-what good can come of this under these circumstances? I feel like nothing will be accomplished in this year except that I will get to spend it full time with my kids. Prolonging the inevitable.


M: 43, H: 44
Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs
S17, D15, D8, S6
Still living in MH
HelenaJ #2797489 06/23/18 02:33 PM
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Game got rained out, watching The Bachelorette with D15, dont judge grin


M: 43, H: 44
Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs
S17, D15, D8, S6
Still living in MH
HelenaJ #2797532 06/24/18 08:42 AM
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Nice, relaxing day. Slept in too late for spin class so I got the van washed and went to Costco. Came home, cleaned the pool, blew up and cleaned all the floaties, swam with the kiddos and worked on my tan by default smile Might run later after the sun goes down. I try to run my route every day for the most part...little over two miles. Nothing super impressive, but like anything else, it's the consistency that counts! Rather than extend the distance, I try to work on my times. I was going to the track and doing sprints-sprinters are ripped. They look like they lift weights 24/7, but it's the difference between working fast twitch vs slow twitch muscles...hey. Maybe I'll go the track later and get back to it. Any other runners out there? Not that I classify myself as a runner....totally am not...but I do it anyway smile

H and S17 will be home soon. S17 qualified for regionals in all three events, but none of the events were great times for him overall. Running is interesting...can't figure out how to help him any more than we have. Some days are great for him and some days aren't. I suppose such is life right??

Hope ya'll are having a great Sunday.


M: 43, H: 44
Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs
S17, D15, D8, S6
Still living in MH
HelenaJ #2797998 06/26/18 10:56 AM
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It's been 44 days since I told H that unless he is serious about things being different between us than they are, I never wanted to discuss our R with him again. So, no relationship talk in about a month and a half. We haven't been intimate in....9 months maybe?

Today he came home from work whistling and singing as usual and that is really getting old. It's like really dude? Come on, so over the top.

Something weird...I can't find my divorcebusting book. I had it by my bedside with the spine facing the wall under some other books and it's not there anymore. I really don't think H has it....I must have misplaced it?? He certainly wouldn't take it bc he wouldn't know if I'd miss it instantly or not....but where did it go?? Weird. Maybe he knows how to act as if better than me because he read the book. Wouldn't that be something....

I was thinking today that I can't understand what makes some of the WAS's I read about here leave their kids like they do or pawn them off on other people when it's their time. It's unimaginable to me. I wouldn't ever ever leave without having a custody agreement in place where I KNEW my kids were coming with me, how often and when. They have literally become my reason for existing and they are the reason the decision to separate kills me so much. Just don't get it.

Anyway, I'm just keeping on. In addition to my gun class, I need to get involved in something else. You guys tried to tell me in the beginning to GAL but I was too afraid of the negative impact it might have on reconciliation. But I have to keep moving forward.


M: 43, H: 44
Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs
S17, D15, D8, S6
Still living in MH
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