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#2794206 06/05/18 02:21 PM
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HelenaJ Offline OP
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Old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2793926#Post2793926

S17 and I have been having an issue on driving him to school. He started training pretty heavily for track and part of that was getting up in the mornings to get some miles in before school. There was a new trainer he wanted to work with that told him he wouldn't train him unless he followed a few rules and miles in the morning was one of them. I honestly didn't think S would follow through because he's definitely not a morning person and has trouble getting up for school as it was. But he did it and I encouraged him by getting up to run with him. I also told him I would drive him to school because with him running he has less time to get ready in the mornings. Problem is, he is late all the time. Originally, D15 wanted to leave at 7:00 because she likes to get to school early. We compromised at 7:10 but S is never ready on time and we're always getting to school in the nick of time which she hates. So, she started taking the bus again because she got sick of it. I have to follow up with S a lot to make sure he's coming, letting him know I'm leaving now, etc. to which he responds by saying "I'm coming" but really all that means is that he expects me to wait until he's finished. This causes ALL kinds of issues between S and I....what started off as me trying to encourage him has become an issue where he behaves totally entitled and gets really ticked if I leave. Yesterday I left him. He had the nerve to send me a text and tell me I was "unbelievable" that I couldn't wait two extra minutes. However, I didn't see that text and I realized I had forgotten my sunglasses so I turned around and came back. S said "oh I thought you left" I said "I did leave, but I forgot my sunglasses so I came back. If you're ready, come on.". Then I got in the car and saw the text he had sent me. I told him he had some nerve texting me on the phone that I pay for to tell my how "unbelievable" I am simply because I followed through on leaving him when he's not ready by 7:10. We argued on the way to school and he yelled at me something about how I couldn't wait just an extra TWO MINUTES. I pulled over and told him to get out and walk to school.
Today S goes out to the garage to ride his bike to school and there's no bike. He's not sure where he left it. So guess who ended up driving him to school after I said I wouldn't. The whole drive to school he kept telling me that he's never later than 7:15 (which is totally not true and many times if I don't go upstairs to rewake him, he wouldn't get up at all) and that if I would just wait until 7:15 this would be a non-issue. Mind you, this has gone from leaving at 7:00 to leaving at 7:10 to know him pushing me to leave a 7:15. And even if I agreed to leave at 7:15 and he was not downstairs so I leave at 7:16 he would still be mad that I couldn't wait "two more minutes".
This is obviously an issue I need to work out with S...but something that I thought was interesting was that I told D15 what had happened and she in response to S calling me "unbelievable" she said "Oh, he's using Daddy vocabulary". Consequently, that is EXACTLY what I was thinking.

Anyway, D15 has a soccer tournament this weekend and we all have to stay in a hotel room so I"m not looking forward so much to that. However, these are also the very things I think about when I think about physically separating. Our older two travel for sports a lot and we often have to stay in hotel rooms. If we were separated, it would be so awkward not only to be at all their functions together but separate and putting the littles in a position where they are there with one parent, but the other parent is there too and when we're in the same hotel but different rooms....it's just too much to even figure out how to navigate. Between all 4 kids we are gone every night of the week, so we would see each other constantly bc just bc it's one parent's night with the kids wouldn't mean the other parent wouldn't still come to the game/practice. So it would be this weird constant together but separate and putting the kids in a constant position where they are "with" one parent but also spending time with the other and I can just see having to constantly explain, "No, you can't leave with Daddy because you're with Mommy this week". How do people do this??????


M: 43, H: 44
Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs
S17, D15, D8, S6
Still living in MH
HelenaJ #2794233 06/05/18 10:17 PM
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Helena I'm just here to offer you my support- I feel you are in a very tough spot. I hope others with experience can weigh in. Stay Well!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

LoneWlf #2794723 06/07/18 04:11 PM
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How are you Helena?

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


Vanilla #2794779 06/08/18 03:01 AM
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Thank you LW and thanks V for checking up on me.

Mostly want to avoid people and activities but I think part of that is monthly hormones. I cried twice yesterday and once already today. I see everyone here go through the ups and downs, some days you feel strong and some days you want to hide under the covers. Today I want to hide under the covers but instead I m on my way to Annapolis to tour the Naval Academy with the family and then headed to NJ for a soccer tournament for D15. I have been able to cope ok with my new circumstances as long as I m in my surroundings and in my routine. When I go outside of that I really struggle.

My sister texted me and wants to come visit. Unfortunately since she is my confidante, she pretty much hates my H. She can t come during the time he is out of town so she was wanting to stay at a hotel. I told her to just hold off bc the kids would wonder why she wasn t staying at our house and everything would just be weird. Like, I can t just ask H to stay home while we go hang out with her. So, feeling sad and isolated like things just keep getting worse.

I am hard on myself sometimes bc I won t accept these circumstances-we can t really go on unless I do. I feel like if only I wasn t so resentful and unaccepting we could at least have a pleasant daily life. Other days I m like eff him, he has created the saddest and ruthless terms for my life because of his pride and ego and the situation we are in is bc of those terms not my refusal to accept them. But then there ARE those things I did....it s a cruel back and forth dialogue inside my head that exhausts me and makes me feel like the most worthless person. I don t know how to stop it.

On a brighter note, as S5 built his Thomas the train tracks last night, he told us that he loves life.

Sorry to be Debbie Downer, that s why I haven t posted much, just not in a good place at the moment. I also feel like my situation is much different than what many here are going through and the ones who have provided feedback I think probably won t continue to do so bc my situation upsets them to the point that they can t help.

Anyway, V you mentioned having some feedback on a post from my last thread and said you would elaborate later. Did you decide not to intentionally or just been busy? I know you ve got your exam coming up any day now.

Thanks for listening and thinking of me.



Edit - bolded items are the reason that this post disappeared

Last edited by Cadet; 06/08/18 03:16 AM. Reason: restored post

M: 43, H: 44
Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs
S17, D15, D8, S6
Still living in MH
HelenaJ #2794789 06/08/18 03:21 AM
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Originally Posted By: HelenaJ
I m on my way to Annapolis to tour the Naval Academy with the family

Is someone thinking about going to my third favorite Academy?

Its a great place.

smile smile smile


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2794797 06/08/18 03:37 AM
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Helena,

I havent commented at all because I am a newbie, but I have been reading your thread and quietly pulling for you. These ups and downs are completely normal. I get them myself. I would just say that the best thing I do is force myself to get out of the house and be social, exercise, and talk to others. Action is important, otherwise it is really easy to get lost in thoughts and cheeseless tunnels.

I would also say that your sister should come. You need that support, that confidante right now in your life right now. A week after BD my best friend flew down to spend the weekend with me, and that is the only way I survived it. I understand that she is angry at H, but can she really not control herself? If she is willing to come and help you, I think you should accept it.

Best of luck with everything, I am pulling for you!


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Cadet #2794799 06/08/18 03:40 AM
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Gotcha, cant use even normal apostrophes, ok. Autocorrect is not going to like that haha.

We shall see about the Naval Academy, S17 got a letter of interest due to his mad skillz in track grin Ive been there several times, seen a few Navy football games, even got to see Army vs Navy from the box seats, that was pretty awesome.

Are you retired military? My sister is retired Air Firce and my sister in law is retired Navy. My oldest brother served 8 in the Navy and my Dad also served Navy although I forgot how many terms. I was very close to going Army ROTC but didn t due to some credits not transferring. Kind of glad that didnt work out lol

Last edited by Cadet; 06/08/18 03:44 AM. Reason: restored post

M: 43, H: 44
Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs
S17, D15, D8, S6
Still living in MH
HelenaJ #2794804 06/08/18 03:49 AM
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I graduated from the USAF Academy and flew in the Air Force in my younger days.

Navy is a cool place and a great school been there many times.

The secret to getting into an Academy is to apply to one that is in less demand in your area.
I live near West Point and it is quite difficult to get into it around here.
I guess what I am saying is if you live near Annapolis he might consider applying to Merchant Marine Academy as there are usually less students that want to go there.


Me-70, D37,S36
Cadet #2794812 06/08/18 04:09 AM
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HelenaJ Offline OP
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Cool, thank you for your service smile We must live in the same neck of the woods, I m considerably closer to the ocean.

Davide, thanks for posting. Yeah, I dont know about my sister, she has a tendency to make things about herself ha. I love her to pieces and am eternally grateful to have her in my life and she is absolutely my rock and best friend. With that said though, she told me she wants nothing to do with him and wont be in his presence and from my perspective even if she stayed with us it would be awkwardness on top of awkwardness.

Last edited by Cadet; 06/08/18 04:18 AM. Reason: restored post

M: 43, H: 44
Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs
S17, D15, D8, S6
Still living in MH
HelenaJ #2794816 06/08/18 04:16 AM
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HelenaJ Offline OP
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Ok not posting anymore from my phone, this apostrophe thing does not get along well with auto correct! And I proofread but keep missing one!


M: 43, H: 44
Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs
S17, D15, D8, S6
Still living in MH
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