Had a pretty good day yesterday. Went to the gym. Did some job searching. The company that I interviewed twice for has asked for my references. A good sign -hoping for good results! Spent some time with S and then went cycling 32k in the hills. Hit my goal of 200 lbs-actually this morning I'm 198 lbs. Next goal is 195 lbs. I found out also one of the kids that my S goes to school with whom I also coach for baseball is also undergoing traumatic changes because his parents are also separating. We are around the same age group because I use to compete against his dad in high school sports. The kids dad had reached out to me once he found out what I too was going thru. He has requested to meet briefly today. Guess it is much of the same thing - Be the best you can be!! Blessings to all- Stay Well!!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
That is awesome about the kid's dad wanting to meet. I have found it invaluable to speak and get perspective from those that have been there before. And even from the other side from people like sandi, that have been in the WWs shoes before. Great opportunity for you!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It sounds like you are doing really well. Congrats! It seems like there a lot of bikers on this board. I am one as well.
Yeah. I wish I knew more people in person who were going through this. My boss has been through a D before and was very sympathetic to me, but he has a lot of distance on it, and I am not sure exactly what the scenario was.
Having as many pillars of support around you is huge. For me it is this board, my IC, my parents, my best friend, the counselor at my school, and then my pals that I GAL with (but do not share with).
It's great to hear a good update. Keep it up!
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Davide Steve85- always nice to have good people in my corner. Thanks for the support.
If you have been reading my stitch- you will know that my W, my S and I will be meeting with my S therapist on Friday. I will meet her in the waiting where I will keep convo short and upbeat as I would with a neighbour. I will dress well and wear good cologne as to be pleasing to both eyes and nose. I will not engage in talks about R. I will use appropriate times to validate. I will have my tablet for reading as to keep me occupied. My question is, if and when the therapist starts to talk about R, how do I respond accordingly? Do I give detail or do I keep it simple? What are the pitfalls I need to be aware of and stay away?
This session is more for my S to ask W questions so she can answer them because he is angry for her quitting.
Thank you again
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
"My question is, if and when the therapist starts to talk about R, how do I respond accordingly? Do I give detail or do I keep it simple?"
This is for your son. Completely open and forthright honesty, holding nothing back. This has no chance of success for your S with anything less than that.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well this is the first session so let the counselor guide the discussion, but I really think when it comes to direct questions they deserve a direct and honest answer. Try not to point the blame at the W, especially since I think your S will handle most of that for you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
S85 my point here is do I need to stay away from anything that points blame on W. How honest do I get?
You absolutely do not want to assign blame to W. She will just assign it right back to you saying things like "You were never there for me", "you were emotionally absent", "you forced me into this". Keep in mind you're dealing with a WAS, NOTHING is her fault. YOU are to blame for EVERYTHING in her eyes. So yeah, no blaming. You want to present a united front for S.
This by the way is the second session. The first session had S in tears as he was explaining to W how this was affecting him. He also mentioned that from Dad's coaching he's learned to Ste Goals and objectives. Always give 120% effort and to NEVER QUIT! He asked W what she's was trying to teach him by separating? She said she thinks God wants us to be happy and to strive for happiness. He replied that the only lesson he's learning fro W about this is to run from your problems.( WOW- I was impressed) One of the things I preach is to be prepared- when S pulled out this crumpled paper with scribbling on it I temporarily gasped thinking he threw things together. When it was finished- I said I was so proud of him for being vulnerable and honest and gave him a huge hug. He followed that up by saying- Are you proud enough of me to take me to McDonalds? LOL- Yep! he got what he wanted.
Guess I have to be the lighthouse- stable and unwavering in calmness.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
LW this post kind of bums me out as it has your S going against his Mom this kind of thing will only grow into greater resentment from him to her. NO matter what happens between you and W they need to have a loving relationship and connection for life. I feel like you rewarded him for this kind of behavior which is not good behavior. This creates a bad dynamic of teaming up on W. I am speaking from experience here this is the type of stuff my dad would do when my parents split up and 30 years later I am in therapy to repair the relationship with my mom because of the seed of deceit he planted when I was young.
M 40 W 34 Together 7 Married 2 No Kids BD 1/18 need space Moved out 2/18 ILYBNILWY & Asked for D 3/18 W filed for D 6/18 D final 10/18
LW this post kind of bums me out as it has your S going against his Mom this kind of thing will only grow into greater resentment from him to her. NO matter what happens between you and W they need to have a loving relationship and connection for life. I feel like you rewarded him for this kind of behavior which is not good behavior. This creates a bad dynamic of teaming up on W. I am speaking from experience here this is the type of stuff my dad would do when my parents split up and 30 years later I am in therapy to repair the relationship with my mom because of the seed of deceit he planted when I was young.
Ste7e I see your concern. And the rewarding him may have been on the border, but the kid has got to eat, right?
But seriously, I see LW's situation as so much more different than your experience. LW's S has seen through the WAW's deceit to see what is really going on here. That is what LW is proud of. I think LW, due to his love for his S and W would love to see them end up with a healthy stable relationship, no matter what happens with the MR. But at the same time that is up to S and W, not LW. From what he has posted here I see nothing to suggest he has encouraged his S to be angry or upset at his mom. Nor have I seen anything to suggest he is "sowing seeds of deceit" to paint her in a worse light.
What I've seen is an intelligent young man having maturity and understanding beyond his years to realize that his mom is wrong, and is destroying not only her MR but their family. Kids are pretty astute, and left to their own perception they can usually realize who is right and who is wrong. I've seen this with my own D, she has called me out on my past behavior and how it was destructive to both her and my relationship, as well as my MR. All that before she turns 15!
So yes, good to remind LW not to "team up" with S against WAW. But we need to acknowledge from what we know this hasn't occurred to this point.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ste7e- Let me first say that although I do not agree with W is doing. I have not and will not slander my W to him.I will always treat the mother of my child with respect. And I have always said to my S to treat W with respect. I have also in my previous stitch mentioned to him that keeping in this anger within him is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die.I've talked to him about forgiveness in the context of our daily prayer. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. I have talked to my priest and also let my S talk with him. Upon which, My priest said he is able to comprehend what is happening and will deal with this in this own time.
The reason I feel he is hurt is because he has seen how I have treated my W. I have never yelled, screamed, swore or been violent to my W. He has seen me constantly shower her with compliments, acts of kindness and gifts (I know NGS). He is fully aware that there was little reciprocated. About 3 years ago I had got my W a Pandoras bracelet with some charms picked out by myself and S. We took her out to dinner and gave her gift. After this happened-S asked why does dad do all these things for you and you do not do much for him? The subject was quickly changed and swept under the carpet.
I believe a child needs a relationship with his mom but i will not force feed it. I hope you understand my POV.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Thank you for your support-I'm doing the best I can to remain calm and his foundation. I have a lot to still learn.
Ste7e- I accept your apology-Please know that I am Christian man. And my beliefs are based on Jesus' teachings. And His message was clear- To Love one another unconditionally as He loves us. To be slow to anger and to be quick to extend graces and forgive. I will also say I human with alot of imperfections.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Hi Wlf, It's your Dutch-Uncle. Looking for an enabler? I'm not your guy.
Once again it seems like you are spreading your story in an attempt to control your W. Stop using your S to control your W. Stop it. If you are a Christian, and I believe you are. Focus on the fact that God has your Ss back. Support him and be the role model he needs to see.
Once and for all, tell your W what you want,..once,...and then pull away.
Notice I didn't say tell her family, tell the new friends at the ball field, use the family counselor to control her. If these don't apply? Fine, ignore. Don't start doing them.
This is Godly, sage advice and the last time I will say it.
Good luck, and God bless.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
RR- as much as I appreciate your input- There is no need for defamation here. I have NOT used my S to go against W. He is smart enough to know right from wrong. There is no control over W - I have not been in contact with her for quite sometime. She is on her own now so I have pretty much gone dark. I have not told her family- It was at MY family gathering that I felt attacked and needed to stand my ground. It was a kids dad that approached me at the ball yard- my intent was to help. RR please - as the board states -please don't mind read or make accusations. I'm here for support not to be judged!!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
LW, I meant to respond to your post about your SiLs ganging up. And I am sure it certainly felt like they were attacking. But I think it might help to understand their perspective as well.
I have mentioned my niece on this board before. She married a guy that we all adored. They were both young, but it was fun to help them get their lives started and to watch them go from a small apartment, to a bigger apartment, to a house. My niece's extended family was there to support and help them every step of the way. (I won't give her total S but she came from a very suboptimal situation with her father, and her immediate family (my sister and fam) lived far out of state.
We'll call her XH Andrew. We all adored Andrew. So when they separated in summer of 2016 we were all devastated. Turns out my niece had met someone at work, and had moved on from her MR. She was making terrible decisions, and while it affected Andrew the most, we all were affected by it. Family get-togethers became sad events because while she was ashamed of her behavior she wasn't attending, and of course having separated Andrew wasn't there either. We were all hurt and mourning.
Likely your SiLs are in pain. And while their pain pales in comparison to yours, they still feel a sense of loss. Likely these "attacks" were coming from a place of missing your W and that pain. And while I will not try to defend their actions, I hope understanding that when a spouse goes rogue, the pain they cause is far reaching and affects many more people than most people understand.
My W, D, and I still miss Andrews immensely. As do my other extended family members on my side. Including great aunts and uncles, and cousins, including those 2nd and 3rd removed! Divorce is so ugly because it rips a couple apart, but also rips people we care about out of our lives.
We've actually met with Andrew a couple of times since all of this went down. But it isn't the same. And as things get better between all of us and my niece, she shows her displeasure at our continued contact with Andrew. She lives with her new BF and they have a son. It is hard on all of us, I struggle with treating he BF with the same level of camaraderie that I did Andrew.
I hope this helps, while I know what you went through with your SiLs was difficult, likely that feeling of pain and loss is where it was coming from.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve85 thanks for your explanation. In my opinion my SILs i thought were not that close to my W. They said hi at get togethers and talked but they never really hung around each other. maybe they did and I never knew. Anyways it's always good to see it from another perspective .Thanks.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Update- Got up early - said my prayers and devotionals. Went to the gym had a good workout. Came home walked my dog then did some job hunting. I have an interview with another company tomorrow. Met up with my Ss buddy dad. He said His Ware going to S and W and him were high school sweethearts and when she came out of school for dental hygene she was 40k in debt which he pretty much paid off. Now that he is struggling to find work because a lay off-she has gone and met a younger guy at the gym. He is hurting too. I had a healthy dinner with S then I went cycling in the hills for 2hrs did 48k. Funny thing happened - I was cycling headed up a hill into rain . I wanted to push myself as if this is my new journey uphill by myself. As I ride the top crest rain pours down at the same time a wave of emotion comes over me and I start to cry as if this is MY JOURNEY - one which I must conquer. Finished off my ride to have S waiting for me at the front asking me how it went. I said lets get you a bike and you can enjoy it too. To which he replied - No, I'm good!
It's moments like these that can give you strength to perservere.
Anyways tomorrow is another day - I have an interview and then the therapist with S and W.
Blessings and Stay Well!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
update Did my morning routine of prayers and went to the gym. Worked out and came home to prepare for my interview. In my opinion I think the interview was good- not by best interview but still solid. He said he would contact me next week for a followup. Went to therapist session with W and S. S was very systematic in his questioning almost lawyer like asking questions to lead a witness.
He started by stating that he was in alot of turmoil and pain. And that the mother he knew would do anything to take away the pain. Why not now? W said - I wish I could take away your pain but sorry I wasn't happy and I cannot live like that anymore. (Please note I know my job is to validate - But the therapist specifically told me to sit back and not say a word)
S then brings up a quote from his english teacher saying," to escape the pain you must go thru the pain" W says "I know you want your family like it was-I wish it could be different but I am still your mom. I love you and I want to help you". she did not even answer the question. He then said "Do you think you need to go to church because you haven't been going" "Now if you feel like following society and thinking is divorce ok- iI see why you stopped going" , he asked " How serious were you when you said till death do us part- What changed?" W said" When you start in a relationship everything looks good- you feel invincible. You do not see the other persons faults.Then life happens. Work, family obligations,deaths , births you grow and you change. It is not that I planned this out- sometimes you have to be willing to follow your heart. For me I feel I could not live like that anymore. Although there was no beating or abuse- I could not continue" S said "He personally feels it is selfish what W is doing and all she is doing is looking out for herself. That she hurt S she hurt dad and alot of people in her selfish actions" He also said "I feel lied to and betrayed"- In that she said she would try her best and do everything she could for her family- But even in the family trip to Hawaii earlier this year- she said she would try but he felt she just quit! Then S began to preach.S said " Open your heart to God because God is Love and if you have God in your heart then love lives there too! Once you have Love and God in your heart then you are open to the truth. The Truth is that God hates divorce. By not going to church you are not allowing God into your heart." So proud that he pays attention at church.
At one point he mentioned when she was home that she walked around emotionless like she did not care. Now this is the first time in about 6 months that I actually saw my W cry. She said " that it was a defense mechanism in order for her not to constantly break down. She has kept it all in (now she is full out crying a river) She says in her new apartment she is very lonely and she is not singing or dancing often times she cries herself to sleep. I was sitting in the love seat with her because it was the only seat and I was totally focused on being detached and calm but I felt a need to give her a kleenex and put my hand gently on her shoulder to show support. To which see sincerely looked over and said thanks.
Later in the session the therapist asks S to acknowledge W pain and if he would be open to spending time with W. To which he said he might. Therapist asks him would he be willing to spend a day a week or even a meal with her. S says he will try to do 1 meal a week.
The therapist then thanked me for being so calm and supportive. My response was simply- I only want whats best for my BOY!!
Thru out this whole session I am thinking BREATHE- DETACH-STAY CALM- VALIDATE and BE THE LIGHTHOUSE. For most part I think I passed although after hearing W statements- It may solidify my thoughts that she may be well and done. To this- I know that I must continue my journey of self improvement for me and S!!
Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Sounds like you got a good kid on your hands, LW. You should be proud. I cannot understand how some of these Ws I read about on here are so depressed and lonely once they leave. It was their choice to do so?!?! If it is that bad, why not go home and put in the work to have a happy life with your family. Seems like a no brainer for me, but then again, I do not have scrambled eggs for brains like Vanilla likes to say...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
update- Had a decent day so far. Said my prayers then I went for a 2 hr ride thru hills and trails. Came home had a bite with S cleaned up took a shower and went to church. Went to lunch with my S and 2 sisters and a niece. Then came home and S tells me that his mom is texting him daily but he will not respond. I downplayed it and said you do what you feel is best and I will support you. Did some clean up in the house and now gonna get prepared for tomorrow.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
These feelings that your son has toward his mother are not healthy.
Regardless of how you feel about her choice to leave you, I believe the relationship between your son and his mother should be encouraged and to that end, I believe you should take the highest road and tell him whatever you need to tell him to ensure that happens in terms of "Son, this is between Mom and Dad and it's not your battle to fight. Your Mom loves you." etc.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
Let me rephrase something. I said "not healthy". What I should have said was the feelings he has are not beneficial to helping him get through this. They are entirely normal and he has every right to be upset with his Mom because his life is changing immensely. I'm just saying that I encourage you to help him work through that in a more positive way rather than ignoring her texts and her attempts to reach out. I think that's really sad for both of them.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
Oh dear, I don't like it that my opinion is so different than a long time poster. Makes me feel like I'm missing something! Maybe there is more to your story than I know.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
Helena and V thank you for your input. I agree on having a healthy relationship between S and W but I will not force feed it. I understand my S is very hurt and do not want to upset him more than he already is.
Please help me find clarity- what should I do?
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Can I confirm just a couple things? Your W has not gone outside your M or been abusive in any way...is that correct? She decided one day she wants a divorce and proceeded with that. Is there any more to it than that?
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
If you have been reading my stich you will see that my W met me at church. We were both believers when we met an we as a family would attend church regularly. Now she stopped attending.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Got it, I have been reading your posts lately and so I went back and read your first couple as well but I haven't read all three threads.
Anyway, I was asking about clarity on the religion aspect bc I wasn't sure if your faith was considerably stronger than hers or if you were both very devoted. Developing a considerably stronger faith along the way could definitely impact the marriage and I was curious about that.
My M is a mess so I don't feel ultra comfortable offering M advice, ha, but I do have 4 wonderful children so I do feel somewhat qualified in that regard.
My advice to you stands then....what happens between you and your wife, as unfortunate as it may be is between the two of you and I would try to tell your son that as much as possible. He will grow up with his own feelings about the commitment of marriage and his opinion about his Mom leaving the marriage may continue to be very strong, however, he should still have a loving relationship with her in order to grow into his fullest potential. I am a firm believer that both parents are absolutely critical to a child's development and to that end, it should be encouraged. Not forced but HIGHLY encouraged. As parents, we know how to delicately do that
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
Helena everything you say is true. However, LW can't fix his S and w's relationship. He risks alienating his son and losing their relationship too. He has done nothing to cause this and therefore can do nothing to correct it.
LW is a religious man and has not slandered his W to his S. His S is seeing his mother's terrible choices for himself.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Helena I fully agree with you that a healthy relationship should exist between S and W but my S had told me because of Ws actions he trusts very few. How could someone who you know should forever have your best interest just up and leave. I have also stressed to him that he has no fault in this whatsoever. I do not want to lose the bond and trust with my S.
V, mtb, S85 and everyone else thank you for your continued support and prayers!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Your S is old enough to work out his own R with W. Getting in the middle is both controlling and triangulation. You will end up damaging your R with your son. So get out of the way and let them work it out.
Plus it doesn't work. You can't force love and respect as it is something given freely. And teenagers have to come to grips with cognitive dissonance in their own way.
Never tell a child your other parent loves you it puts you in the position saying absolutely something about another's feelings you don't know and it invalidates your child. I think you can say I think or I believe that or your other parent told me. However I can see you are struggling. That is talk it through.
And children should have a loving R with both parents is your belief and it may not be true.
This stuff has a way of unfolding in time.
This isn't to punish W, nor to alienated S from his mother. It's the opposite.
Think of yourself as Switzerland, listening and supporting.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
What V is saying has been repeated on your thread before.
Quote:
How could someone who you know should forever have your best interest just up and leave.
W probably feels the same about you right now.
If S in a normal boy, he can handle this on his own. Your involvement is only hurting your own cause. You've heard it from me and from others. What she should be doing is beyond your control. all you can do is control how you respond. Do you want to respond in a way that gives you the best odds of recon or do you want to show everyone how she is wrong and further drive her away?
Seriously?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
RR I want to respond in the best interest of my S. Weather recon happens is out of my control what I need to do is to be the best DAD I can be for me and S. My W need to go her journey alone. On that front, today has turned into a rough day. It started out ok with prayers and devotionals. Then I had to bypass the gym because I was preparing for another interview with a new company. The interview went well having to interview with 3 different people after which they took my references. They said they would get back to me shortly.
I went home and had a bite then took my dog for a trail walk. It helps to be outside to be one with God. One of the things I thought I was doing right was communicating with my S as I thought we were becoming closer. Close enough to the point that upon completion of the work week - we would spend time after dinner and discuss things like -What things worked this week, like maybe tweaking a routine to be more efficient. How did we do in preparing for the next day? Then we talked about what things need a bit of improvement-things like doing the high priority items on the to do list first. Homework, Housework and then rec time. Then we talk about meal plan what did we like?- what did we not like and so on.
Throughout this difficult time I have made 2 things mandatory. School and Church the other extracurricular activities were based on doing the first 2 well. Another thing you should know is my S language for currency is his computer gaming time with his buddies. If everything is completed he can get a maximum of 2 hours a day - He will get extended time for good marks or taking initiative. All this time I knew he was struggling in school so I tried keep all lines open. Open enough that I felt I could trust him to tell me about all assignments and tests. After we do our how was school daily checklist on home work and upcoming tests it would often end with my statement of We are now on the same page-this is something that we can accomplish together and that there will be no surprises- only good surprises. Right? S would always say yes. Well today i got a call from a teacher that S has told her he has completed 2 assignments from the past but has yet to hand them in. Now S is currently knee deep on a project due shortly on a class he is not doing well on.
I called S down and asked him to be honest with me if he had done these assignments. His first response was I think so.. I said I need absolute facts please show me these completed assignments-to which he said they were not done.(Knocked the wind out of my sails)- cuz I thought we were doing good. I calmly asked why are they not finished? He said it was easier not to do them cuz he's been feeling crappy and that it is pointless. I validated his feelings but I said no matter how bad things are we continue move forward continue to give 120% and never quit! To which he broke down and apologized. I told him with choice comes consequence and thinking of setting appropriate boundaries. First tonight is game night- so he would miss his game (he was our starting pitcher-too bad) This was not his first offense and because he now has so much homework to catch up with> I removed his electronic recreational items for 1 week or until he gets fully caught up. He can use his computer for homework that is it. I also said he will have to take ownership for deceiving me and the teacher that I want him to write out an apology letter showing remorse and that he will not repeat these negative action. On the note I will ask that the teacher email me back to show me that they received this letter. I hope that I handled this correctly because I know that S is quite fragile -but I also know that He need to fulfill his end of his rightful duties.
Your input is appreciated.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
No punishing, that's only going to make S feel worse. When a child is demotivated punishing them isn't setting boundaries, it is forcing them worse.
Your S isn't misbehaving or doing this deliberately, it's because of his life sitch and he's demotivated. HE isn't diving off and drinking etc with his buds.
How about organising extra support for him instead and offering to guide or get guidance by a teacher on it. You will do better by getting his buy in.
So S what can we do about this? How do we get the projects done.? Would a rime extension help? What can I do to help and support you? How can we get your game consul back quicker? Etc....
So what do I mean when I say a loving R with both parents may not be possible?
As a question of fact it isn't. Some parents and some kids aren't loveable. It's a limiting belief of yours that it should be, absolute thinking as a flaw. S has the right to choose not to love his mom. He has that right although I suspect it's devastating for him, especially if it is insisted he does. Love is a choice and S can choose to not love at this time. Or he can love and still not want an R with his mom.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Update- Had a decent day started with prayers and devotionals. Went to gym had a good workout. Did some job hunting another new company called and left a message. reached out to a company that asked for my references last week and they said they have a short list of 3 people and a decision will be made in the next 2 days. I called my S school and left a msg for his teacher to call me so we can discuss getting S extra help and support. I also reached out to my personal friend - the priest that married us and then allowed us to renew our vows at 10 years. we became close after we married.I gave him an update on what has transpired and he gave me his blessing and said I was on the right track with my focus on S and me. Then had dinner with S got him set up with his homework and then went on 1 and a half hour cycle thru the hills. Now the time to pray and unwind as I prepare for tomorrow. I really wish i get this new position and continue on my ways of health and happiness. For all that are here my prayers are with you- Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I had a dream about W calling me on my phone. In that dream W starts off in a normal tone and in a short period of time she starts (just like IRL) to tell me things that I'm doing wrong. After a period of time she puts me on extended hold and then comes back to later tell me more negatives. I realize after, that I stayed on hold simply awaiting what she had to say(just like a puppy) and should have kept short and been the first one to drop the convo. From this I awake in a sullen mood because I realize I am alone in the bed. I don't know what this means -maybe it is a warning that W wants to talk ( I'm not going to reach out to her!)and to be mindful to keep it short and end the convo respectfully but quickly. Btw I'm not trying to mind read just decipher what this all means and if any of you have experienced this? Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Sounds to me like your subconscious is telling you that the W is trying to hurt you and you have been waiting and tolerating it. Probably because you have hurt her. Just My Two Cents.
Logic would say that you might consider how you may have hurt her. What you might do with this info is another subject.
For the record, I don't believe that dreams indicate what the other person might be wanting to do.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Not asking for specifics, but have you considered how you may have hurt her?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
RR -Thru this difficult process after the BD one goes thru various phases of questioning ones behaviors, motives and results. Often times we even question our self worth. With this comes self reflection to examine who are. What we did. How well it worked. Thru my self reflection I have realized where my W and I may have began to go on different paths. I have also seen the consequence of the action or lack there of and the way it played out. Having said that I take full ownership of my part in the deterioration of this relationship. I truly feel that what has transpired is fully repairable. I also understand that even tho 2 people experience the same thing- You may get 2 totally different perspectives on what happened. What I deem repairable may seem irreparable to my W. This time of self reflection has also given me a time for growth and should there be a recon I will be more prepared for the journey. I hope this helps. Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
You will always get two completely different experiences.
I know I had to stop trying to fix my marriage (control) stop trying to fix my W, before I started to really look at it from her perspective. At first I was too busy defending mine. I had to become result oriented from the standpoint of what I do have control over (me) and what would give W the best opportunity to come around. And that is all it is, an opportunity.
The rules talk about really listening and I think this is why. What is she saying? Not when she is just trying to win an argument or simple hurt you but when she lets these seemingly secret nuggets out. Acknowledging these issues when the time comes will be a major key to success.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Update- I spoke in detail to my S teachers more so the one subject that he is struggling with. I had discussed with his teacher that due to his current situation he empty and unmotivated. Based upon his past marks I had asked the teacher for more support and an extension on his current BIG project(worth 10%of his year) due tomorrow. His teacher was very receptive acknowledging S as a good student undergoing a terrible transition in life. That said, she gave him an extension also giving him an opportunity to rectify a bad mark along with additional help on the weekend should he need more help she will volunteer her time at the local library. WOW! She stated at the current time his mark is 55% but a bad project and a fail in the last exam will make him fail his course. I assured her that I will do everything in my power to support and assist him in passing her class. The other teacher I had spoken seem to feel that S is a good student he is passing the other classes but they too are aware that S is in turmoil.
Lastly b/c S has so many things to do and catch up on - he has asked me to reach out to W because he was supposed to have a meal; at her place tonight. Simply put- I had asked him if he wanted to have a meal at her place - no pressure. I told him I would support his decision either way. He said to text W to let her know that he was too busy and was not able to go. W test back Thanks for letting me know- have a good nite!. I did not text back thinking it was pursuit. That's it for now.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Update- I spoke in detail to my S teachers more so the one subject that he is struggling with. I had discussed with his teacher that due to his current situation he empty and unmotivated. Based upon his past marks I had asked the teacher for more support and an extension on his current BIG project(worth 10%of his year) due tomorrow. His teacher was very receptive acknowledging S as a good student undergoing a terrible transition in life. That said, she gave him an extension also giving him an opportunity to rectify a bad mark along with additional help on the weekend should he need more help she will volunteer her time at the local library. WOW! She stated at the current time his mark is 55% but a bad project and a fail in the last exam will make him fail his course. I assured her that I will do everything in my power to support and assist him in passing her class. The other teacher I had spoken seem to feel that S is a good student he is passing the other classes but they too are aware that S is in turmoil.
Lastly b/c S has so many things to do and catch up on - he has asked me to reach out to W because he was supposed to have a meal; at her place tonight. Simply put- I had asked him if he wanted to have a meal at her place - no pressure. I told him I would support his decision either way. He said to text W to let her know that he was too busy and was not able to go. W test back Thanks for letting me know- have a good nite!. I did not text back thinking it was pursuit. That's it for now.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
update- Did my daily routine went to the gym and it seems my confidence must be getting better. Anyways, I m on the eliptical trainer doing my cardio. A woman who I chat small talk with takes the machine next to me. Shes a nice woman cute with some extra pounds. She opens up to me tell me she is divorced and goes on about how she disappointment with online dating sites. To this regard, she says she would rather meet a person IRL like me. That's when she shows me this flirty smile. She then says she was looking for Mr Right but would settle for Mr Right Now -still smiling. I may be reading into this too far but to get this type of attention is like -WOW. Another gym regular- recently mentioned to me also that I have been really upbeat lately. I kinda hit me that I'm getting my mojo back- either that or I'm faking it real well. Anyways I went from there to job hunting- I haven't heard back from any of the companies and will be following them up today. Spent time at dinner with S and made sure he was set up well for all the homework needed to be done and then went to the hills for a bike ride. To get attention like this after being starved of compliments and attention for a while is somewhat overwhelming- but I guess there must be a transformation happening. Cheers!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
update- Did my daily morning routine yesterday and headed to the gym. My sister called me the night before to help get her car to the mechanic's before work. We had to drive by W new place for the first time. My heart sank as we drove by. Guess I still have a long way to go to detach. Went to the gym and had a light work out because I had some job hunting and follow up to do. Sent thank you emails to companies I had interviewed with and made followup calls with the one who asked for references. They said that I was on a short list of three and that they would let me know early next week. Then W sends me a text that she called our insurance agent and she has made separate insurance files for both of us and that our agent will be calling me to verify this. My heart sank again. I really looks like she is set on moving on. (I let the text sit and responded OK after dinner.) I then met up with a friend from the gym for lunch and went out to talk at a park. My S15 and I picked up my sister after work to pick up her car then we went to have dinner out. Got my son set up for his pie of homework and then went to the dog park with my pooch and met some nice people there showing them how I trained my dog. It's been a week since I have seen W and I've pretty much gone dark. My gut is telling me this is not working. Having these reactions to W show me that I have not detached and I have along way to go but it also makes me think with my W actions (she has been consistent and unwavering)-she stand firm on wanting to end our R. With feelings of despair what should/can I do? Things look bleak. Thank you for your support and input.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Hey Steve85 your last post hit me like Psalm 46:10 Be still know that I am God. Thanks for the uplifting statement.
Yesterday I did my morning routine and headed to the hills early before the sun became too hot. Interesting thought came to my mind as I have been now cycling for over two weeks. As approach a hill I try to gain momentum as to get as far up the hill possible. Usually about 3/4 of the way up I tend to slow down and have to really work hard to keep momentum even at times working strenuously to crest the hill. Here is where the pain becomes very intense some times I need to get of my saddle and spin the rest of the way up. In these moments of intense pain I place the focus on the 2 feet in front of my wheel at to not pay attention to the steep incline. Now I know if I push and pull hard enough I will eventually reach the top- My pain will substantially subside and I will be momentarily rewarded with a view so beautiful where I can see for miles atop the hill and then this cycle continues where I can temporarily rest till the next hill. The analogy being this difficult journey that I am on Is like my cycling journey. When I first started -my first run was pretty slow getting my legs and endurance back like BD the rug was pulled from under my feet. As this journey proceeds it becomes a little easier each time but I still have to encounter these difficulties (hills) regularly. It is these moments that I have to really focus on my present feeling( the 2 feet in front of my tire) work hard and know that it will only be intense pain for a short amount of time before I am rewarded. This cycle will repeat it self over and over until I have conquered my journey. Just thought I'd share. Have a blessed day!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Hey Steve85 your last post hit me like Psalm 46:10 Be still know that I am God. Thanks for the uplifting statement.
Yesterday I did my morning routine and headed to the hills early before the sun became too hot. Interesting thought came to my mind as I have been now cycling for over two weeks. As approach a hill I try to gain momentum as to get as far up the hill possible. Usually about 3/4 of the way up I tend to slow down and have to really work hard to keep momentum even at times working strenuously to crest the hill. Here is where the pain becomes very intense some times I need to get of my saddle and spin the rest of the way up. In these moments of intense pain I place the focus on the 2 feet in front of my wheel at to not pay attention to the steep incline. Now I know if I push and pull hard enough I will eventually reach the top- My pain will substantially subside and I will be momentarily rewarded with a view so beautiful where I can see for miles atop the hill and then this cycle continues where I can temporarily rest till the next hill. The analogy being this difficult journey that I am on Is like my cycling journey. When I first started -my first run was pretty slow getting my legs and endurance back like BD the rug was pulled from under my feet. As this journey proceeds it becomes a little easier each time but I still have to encounter these difficulties (hills) regularly. It is these moments that I have to really focus on my present feeling( the 2 feet in front of my tire) work hard and know that it will only be intense pain for a short amount of time before I am rewarded. This cycle will repeat it self over and over until I have conquered my journey. Just thought I'd share. Have a blessed day!
Outstanding Lonewlf!
H: 47 W:49 M: 17 BD: 5/20/18 OM discovered - still in contact as of 06/07/18. W says she is moving out 9/1/18
That was really beautiful. Thank you for sharing that metaphor with us.
In terms of feeling like it is not working, I get you. I often feel the same way. I have to keep reminding myself about what "it" is. "It" needs to be becoming the best man you can be, the lighthouse, your very best self. If that is the focus, we can control the outcome. When "it" is the relationship, then we are running around trying to control things that are beyond our control, and trying to control other people who have their own problems and desires and who need to work through them on their own and at their own pace.
Take deep breathes and keep on pedaling. You got this.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
I have a question with fathers day coming up. What is W calls or texts asking to get together as a family to celebrate fathers day? Should I make plans now so that I she can see I am in the process of moving on? Do I talk with my S15 when it happens and see how he feels? Do I just say thanks and decline? Not sure it would happen but I know this has been a tradition in the past. Any thoughts? Thanks again!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I wouldn't consult S15, I would just go ahead and make plans with him. And with your dad if he is still alive. Father's day is about fathers, and you are not her father. I would leave her out of plans and then if she contacts you about it you already have plans.
Enjoy the day with your awesome S15! (P.S. I wish I had such a good relationship with my D14......)
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yeah, I wouldn't let her take a box of cereal into her room on Saturday late morning. I told her "I don't even like you eating in your room, let alone taking food too pour down there with you."
I got the "I hate you!" After she put the box back in the pantry.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve be patient with your D .They are going trough a rough phase in there lives. Does your D go to church with you? One of the things I found kept me connected with my S is that -Since he was born we have always gone to church together. My W has stopped going from what I know but I make church and school mandatory to my S. My S has been even ushering with me for about 5 years now. My parish family has seen my son grow over the years and I often get comments how they have seen him sprout to become a young man. He is now taller than me. When people at church found out my W left they were dumbfounded. People thought I had the perfect family. Some people referred to us as the poster family for our church. So much so - my W and I and my S were asked to be best man matron of honor and ring bearer for an older couple whom soon became our close friends. We were also asked by Nigerian parents to be the God parents to their son and daughter.
BTW as you wish for a better R with your D- I wish for a better R with my W. Allows us now to be thankful for our many blessings. Take care and God Bless!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Yes she goes to church with us. Unfortunately I feel she has started to pull away from church as well. She has a few close friends from school and she gravitates to them over the close church friends she has known since she was little. It is sad to witness and be powerless to do anything about it.
My W and I have considered pulling her out of school and homeschooling her again. D is vehemently opposed to any talk of removing her from her current school. Maybe we should just rip the bandaid off and do it since she is in "I hate you" mode now. Eventually she will see the wisdom in the decision.
This is all fairly recent. Up until ~March she was very much into church and her church friends. But these kids at school got their hooks in her.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, it is just a phase with your D. All teenage girls go through this, the daddy doting girl will be back in just a few years. She just needs space in her own way now, the beauty about the child and parent relation is that nobody can ever take that away from you. There is no D there ever! Through the worst time of my life now, my dad has been my rock. I have never been closer to him than I am right now, every cloud has a silver lining I suppose.
Lonewlf, i read the biking analogy couple of times, rings so true. By god's grace we will all truly feel happy some day soon. Not just be in pursuit of it like we are now.
After I thought things were starting to look better. Helping my S get an deadline extension on his project with his teacher and arranging more help for him. The possibility of 2 companies wanting to add me to their team. My DBing and GAL activities becoming more the normal and natural. Well today I am back in $hitsville. First, I had an incident with my son who failed to follow up with his teacher about his upcoming exam and pertinent info. I got upset because I was the one to get his teacher to be more flexible (she even offered to volunteer her time at the local library on the weekend)- yet he was the one who failed to follow thru.I made the comment to him that I will not sit idle and allow you to fail- I will carry you up the mountain - All you have top do is hold on! He left for school angry and deflated. Now that disappointment has subsided I will talk to him calmly after school. I had 3 interviews last week - I felt good on 2 of the interviews. Both companies have sent me a thanks for trying email. Not good! I guess when it rains it pours. Being in this negative head space makes me wonder what other $hit is headed my way. Someone please tell me this BAD NIGHTMARE will end soon! Just feel like I got the crap kicked out of me. Thanks for listening.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
LW, I don't have to tell you, of all the posters, that life is ups and downs. Imagine being rejected by the very people that you had been prophesied to for centuries. Only to be wrongfully accused, convicted, and sentenced to crucifixion.
Our problems pale in comparison.
Matthew 6:33 is my solace. I go to that verse every time I am feeling down and out.
I know you were disappointed in your S15. But remember how it was to be 15, and then think about how it would feel at that age, with everything else going on in your body, having the rug of your life pulled out from under you. That he views school as unimportant right now is not a surprise. You are a good dad, and you will do the right thing by him, but also remember that he has a lot for a young guy to deal with. I'll pray for him and for you.
Phil 4:13.......
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Things will get better. This is obviously a trying time, but it is in trying times that character is revealed. You can do this, no matter how hard it is. And the hard times will have their end as well.
Do you have any short-term good things you can focus on? If your son is finishing up the school year can you make some fun plans to do with him?
Hang in there, and keep venting here. You are a great guy and have lots of support here.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
To make sure he graduates high school? To make sure he graduates high school with a certain GPA? To make sure he gets into a particular university? To help him develop the skills to set goals and achieve them? To build a loving and supportive relationship with him during his teen years?
Do you know how your son responds to external and internal expectations? (Gretchen Rubin has a great book on this that I found helpful and wish I'd had earlier with one of my kids.)
My impression from your previous posts is that you are pretty rigid and analytical with your son. That might not be the approach that will help you achieve your goals, depending on what they are and how your son responds to expectations, especially with everything else he is dealing with.
"Angry and deflated" teens don't usually live up to their full potential.
I think I've made most of the possible parenting mistakes, so I say this with a lot of empathy.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Hi Lonewlf, when you have been cornered you have nowhere to go but forward right? Things will look up, most of us have this happening with us. everything goes down when we already are in terrible pain. If the downs are so bad just keep looking forward and imagine how great the ups are going to be. We are all here to support you, keep journaling, the times will change. Whenever you want to vent and screaming into a pillow is not enough, you have us listening on this forum
S85, Davide, Rose, Arsh,Vanilla and all this board. The outpouring of love and support from you guys are so appreciated! Thank you!
Imagine being rejected by the very people that you had been prophesied to for centuries. Only to be wrongfully accused, convicted, and sentenced to crucifixion.
You are so right- this is but s sliver in my pinky in comparison to what Jesus had to endure. This too shall pass.
Do you have any short-term good things you can focus on? If your son is finishing up the school year can you make some fun plans to do with him?
My short term focus is first my S- To solidify my R by always letting him know that I will always be there. To be the best SAFE spot for him. For me it is to get a good job which I am working on and to continue on my path with God and remain healthy in my choices. I started at 260lbs the next goal is 190lbs. I have some budgeted outdoor plans with S. Mostly to practice his baseball skills. I'd also like to take him kayaking or canoeing possibly camping. And various day trips to the beach , walking the trails or into the city. S15 has agreed to babysit his cousin aged 11 and 7 for the month of August. What's your goal with your son?
My goal has always been to provide my S with the best that I can give him. From being an example for him - showing him the value of integrity and respect. To opening as many doors that I can for him to experience things that will allow him to grow and enhance his life skills. Before BD S was active in Baseball, soccer, band(plays sax) , swimming (he is 2 levels short of life guard certification), Church youth group and he was learning accounting 1 night a week. All that he is doing now is base ball and band. I would like him to spread his wings. For this school year I want S to get all his credits so he won't have to enroll in summer school. Most important though is to build that loving supportive relationship with him.
We are all here to support you, keep journaling, the times will change. Whenever you want to vent and screaming into a pillow is not enough, you have us listening on this forum
You Guys are truly INCREDIBLE! It's likely you will have to soft monitor S15. Ask him to show you or you take him/pick him up.
I am trying my best- One day at a time. I just try to reach out to him daily to let him know I'm here often times when I ask he says he is ok and does not need my help. Then he says he does not like it when I push to help or get more information. It is a tough balancing act.
Oh and hugs and love.
OI will take all the ((hugs)) and love cuz I NEED it!!
I know I have my work cut out for me. You guys are the fuel to my fire Thanks!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Lonewlf, stopping by to see how you are doing today. During these times it is one day at a time if not one hour at a time on some days. Hope today has been better for you.
Arsh- Thank you for your concern. Lately I have struggled. My W has moved out so I haven't had any contact with her in 1 week. No texts no conversation. Since she has moved out we have had # texts and the meeting with my S therapist. What I can truly say is I miss her. I miss the family time at dinners. I miss the planing of summer day trips and the summer was when we did things together. I miss the weekend moments. I do know that she is texting my son daily but he has yet to respond. I am not getting in between them. I continue to focus on me going to the gym and cycling and eating healthy but all this would be so much better with my life partner. As my belief goes - I will do my best and let God do the rest!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
This week has been a very difficult week. Missing out on 2 job opportunities I thought were a good fit. Having a fallout with S15. It just seems things are not falling into place. I continue to have quality time with my S, pray work out out ,cycle and go to the dog park with my dog. I know I must stay positive and disregard this stinkin thinkin. Knowing that it cannot get any worse than this- I look forward to better moments. This by far is the hardest thing that I have ever done but I must keep moving forward.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
You are grieving for the M that died. It's needed in order to move forward. You can do this. You are a man of strength, honor, and loyalty. Your S15 is hurt, angry and frustrated, but he is learning how to be a man, by watching how his dad handles this crisis.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This week has been a very difficult week. Missing out on 2 job opportunities I thought were a good fit. Having a fallout with S15. It just seems things are not falling into place. I continue to have quality time with my S, pray work out out ,cycle and go to the dog park with my dog. I know I must stay positive and disregard this stinkin thinkin. Knowing that it cannot get any worse than this- I look forward to better moments. This by far is the hardest thing that I have ever done but I must keep moving forward.
Romans 5:3-5 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
We had to drive by W new place for the first time. My heart sank as we drove by. Guess I still have a long way to go to detach.
She moved out less than a month ago! Detachment is a slow process. We all wish we could push a button and turn detachment on, but that's not realistic. Be patient!
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Then W sends me a text that she called our insurance agent and she has made separate insurance files for both of us and that our agent will be calling me to verify this. My heart sank again. I really looks like she is set on moving on.
Yes she is. RIGHT NOW. It sounds like you are religious, if you've studied the Bible then there is one great lesson to take from it- NO BLESSING ON ANYONE EVER CAME QUICKLY OR EASILY. Right? Think about it. Did Moses lead his people through the wilderness for a few days or weeks before seeing the promised land? No no noooo and he was CHOSEN by God!! So why do you think your M is going to turn around in a few days or weeks? God seems keen on teaching us patience more than anything else. Ask yourself what he is teaching you, try to embrace the lessons.
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It's been a week since I have seen W and I've pretty much gone dark. My gut is telling me this is not working.
After a whole week huh? Do you think those are realistic expectations?
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First, I had an incident with my son who failed to follow up with his teacher about his upcoming exam and pertinent info. I got upset because I was the one to get his teacher to be more flexible (she even offered to volunteer her time at the local library on the weekend)- yet he was the one who failed to follow thru.I made the comment to him that I will not sit idle and allow you to fail- I will carry you up the mountain - All you have top do is hold on! He left for school angry and deflated.
Do you seriously want to raise your son up to be carried by others? Is that what you want? Is that what HE wants? Or do you want to raise him to be strong, independent and self-sufficient? My S is 15 and we really struggled with him this year. He's ADHD and this was his first year of high school. His main difficulties were lack of self-discipline and time management skills. So my ex and I sat down with him and told him we were there to help him but that we wanted HIM to take responsibility. We helped him develop a daily schedule, and we told him we were going to monitor his grades and assignments online and would intervene if his grades were low. Just like your S, he slipped up more than once on follow-through, and when he did we were right there to remind him. He hated being reminded, but we kept stressing that we were just doing it to help him and if he would take the reigns we would no longer need to do that. By the end of the year his grades were way up and our intervention was way down. Your kids don't need you to do everything for them, they just need you to point them in the right direction.
Steve 85 thanks reminder of patience - I am sure you know how hard that is. It just that this is really been so difficult. As much as I can GAL and focus on S and me - I still get this strong sense of missing my W. hope it gets better with time. I'm just being honest. AS I have read your past posts and you seem to be knowledgeable and speak with alot of wisdom. Thank you for the 2X4 . You too preach about patience and detaching. 2 things I need to really work on. In regards to my S- you are absolutely right that I should be raising an independent self-sufficient individual and that is my intention. It is at this difficult time where he feels empty, deflated and broken (his words) where my instinct is to pick him up and carry him (through mountains and valleys if I have to)so that once he becomes more settled and adjusted I can set him down to spread his wings and explore as he used to. Thank you for the tips on techniques that worked for you -I will try implementing them. As for an update- I went to a job interview yesterday it went pretty good- I will hear back next week. I have been still doing my regular routine and spending some good quality time with S. we went out to grab some burgers last night then shot some hoops and practiced hi pitching. My sister was having trouble her neighbors being to loud so she stayed at my place overnight. Anyhow things are moving along jut not at the pace I want. I still have this emptiness which I hope will diminish.
Anyways Happy Fathers Day for all of the Fathers here- Cheers!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Happy Fathers Day to all fathers who are fighting to keep their families together.
Had a good day yesterday. Did my morning routine went for a 2hr bike ride before it got hot. Did some laundry while I ate. Took my dog to the farmers market. Had S15 set up with his studies because next week is exam week. My sister came over to pray with S15 and my self. She also brought over Chinese food. After dinner we cleaned up and my sister went home. S15 and I took the dog to the school while we worked on his pitching and played basketball.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Just some journaling. Did my morning routine. Got up early to start a load of laundry before I went out on my bike ride. Got on the bike early because it was going to be a hot day. Went for a 2 and a half hour bike ride. On my bike ride I receive a text from W wishing me a Happy Fathers Day. (I wasn't expecting that). I came home to see my S made poached eggs toast and coffee for breakfast. He also told me the night before that W texted him if he needed her to drive him to get me a gift for fathers day( not sure why she wants to get me something now that she wants me out of her life cuz she never put much effort into getting me gifts before- She would either just make dinner or take me out to eat). My S did not respond to her text. I'm pretty sure my W was just looking to spend time with my S and not necessarily get me a gift-just my take. S and I went to church - I was wished a happy fathers day many times from our church family. Then my sister and my S and I went to the cemetary to visit my Mom and Dad and say a prayer there for POPS. We then headed over to get us lunch and ice cream. We came home so that S could study and prepare for his upcoming exams. After a couple hours S asked if we could go to the park and practice his pitching and shoot hoops. We went to the park with the dog. He will be our starting pitcher for tonights game. We headed home got cleaned up said our prayers and went to bed. It seemed to be a good day but I was often reminded by families around me that we are still missing a big piece of our family. looks like I still have a LONG way to go. The journey is long but I need to stay positive.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I am glad you had a good fathers day. Sounded nice. Keep going. My W got me 2 really thoughtful presents - maybe it is guilt? Maybe it is to prove to them selves that they are still a good person? Or just for the kids. The rest of my family were shocked that I got anything and I ended up getting 3 lots of Fathers Day presents.
I am sure your S really enjoyed his day with his great dad.
Me=32 W=29 R=12 yrs M=7 yrs BD 02/18/18 Dd=3 S=6 Other man confirmed 06/10/18
After a couple hours S asked if we could go to the park and practice his pitching and shoot hoops. We went to the park with the dog. He will be our starting pitcher for tonights game. We headed home got cleaned up said our prayers and went to bed.
LW, keep being there and being a good Dad for your S! You're doing good there and it's one of the most important things you can do when you're going through this. Speaking from experience, it can also be one of the hardest. But your son needs you right now, he needs you to model how to be a strong, male, head of family, and, just as importantly, you need him. For now, he is your family. You continue to strengthen that relationship and it will pay dividends for you both, and, should your W ever come to her senses, for your MR as well. But right now, consider that an important part of your GAL!
I remember with my own boys, when i first started going through this they were like "what's up with Dad"... because i really 180d on a lot of things and to them it almost seemed a little weird. But, ya know, my relationship with them is now much stronger than it was (They'll both say "Love ya, Dad"-- though still in kind of a gruff, hesitant, man-child kinda way-- which they would never do before) and i have a much better rapport with them. And i have also been able to impart some additional wisdom to them to hopefully lay the foundation for them not making the same mistakes I made in my own MR once they find a mate.
AAR, keep being "the man" for your kid. He'll appreciate it in the long run, and so will you.
Peace.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Raw- It great that you get thoughtful presents. I used to spend days and weeks thinking of presents to get my W just to see the expression on her face. I'm happy for you.
hoosjim- Thanks for the words of encouragement. You are right this is the HARDEST thing I have ever done. I often say that being a Dad is the hardest job I have but it is also the BEST job in the world.
One thing I need to ask is-I know my W texts my S pretty much daily because he tells me. And he tells me he doesn't respond to her texts. Why has she not reached out to me? He was failing one subject- With alot of work we have brought that to better than a passing grade. She knows he plays baseball and sax- She has never asked about any that. Speaking for me- If I only saw my S twice for 1 hour each time I would want to know what and how he was doing? If not thru him then I would have to get updates thru my W. Why does she not even care about updates? For the record I have not reached out to her and she has not asked me anything about S. Just a question.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
One thing I need to ask is-I know my W texts my S pretty much daily because he tells me. And he tells me he doesn't respond to her texts. Why has she not reached out to me?
Hi Lonewlf, as a mother she must be feeling pretty guilty about what she has put your S through. She may be angry at you and may have convinced herself you have wronged her but that doesnt make it right by what she is doing to your son. She wants to build a R with him, somehow eventually be in a place where he can either forgive her or make him understand there was no other option left to her. And she doesnt want you to be the bridge of this mother-son relation. I would let her be, it is up to the two of them to decide how they want to keep that relation. You are the stable parent and your son knows that. I am so glad you had a good weekend, happy fathers day to you.
Thanks Arsh- I hope you are well. Thank you for the explanation. From my perspective - I would by dying a slow death without knowing what my S was doing, his interests, his accomplishments and failures. I just don't understand how one can give birth to a beautiful individual and then not want to stay connected. I hope that it will resolve itself one day. Thanks for all your support!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
update- Yesterday did my morning routine. Went to the gym came home and did some job searching. Had to get a tire fixed because of a nail in it. Then made dinner and had dinner with S. he continued to study for exams and I cleaned up. We went to S baseball game where he was the starting pitcher. He pitched a great 2 innings. On the third he pitched good but the team made 3 errors allowing 2 runs. We won the game and S was happy. We came home and got cleaned up and I got S to lead our bedtime prayers. He said, Thank you for my Dad , for making him a part of my life - for allowing him to be my coach. Help him to find a good job so he can help our family. He also said I pray that you open my Moms heart to love so that she can see the goodness in this family and want to become a part of it. It makes me feel god that he appreciates what I am trying to do. As I probably mentioned before. I am trying so hard to keep it together on the outside but inside I still feel I have a long way to go. Thank you all for your support!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
LW, I know this is difficult. If it were easy there wouldn't be this group.
You have to focus on things other than your M.
Listen and validate your S feelings. Allow him some slack and space.
Focus on you. You contributed to the problems.(as did I in my sitch) Figure out how and how this can be changed. How you can get your God-given masculine energy back and how next time it will be different.
Above all stop focusing on W and how she should behave or feel. I believe this is an all-important lesson.
God bless and good luck.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I say "was" because I believe I am currently there. I am realistic and expect to backslide. But for now, I am working on myself and my business. I interact and enjoy my teens without trying to control them. I limit my interaction with W and try to keep it pleasant and light. I hint at some business accomplishments without going into detail. Light and pleasant like a friendly neighbor. I can tell you the hardest part is letting go. Doing it is quite refreshing.
I will not comment on whether it is harder or easier with the W out of the house because I don't have that experience.
I expect I will make mistakes. I will need the help of the group to get back on track.
Hang in there. Trust God. Use this opportunity to focus on stuff you have pushed to the back burner because you were working on your M.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/19/1811:48 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
Did my morning routine. S has exams so took him to school. Went to the gym. went grocery shopping and did some more job searching. I have a interview on Friday. Not the best position but it still a job. Made dinner and ate with S. Got him set up for studying and then went on my bike ride. Early in the ride took a turn too sharp and blew the front tire and took a decent fall. elbow tucked into my ribs and now my ribs feel a bit tender. Luckily I keep a spare tube. Got home and cleaned up said prayers with S.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/20/1811:41 PM. Reason: Start a new thread message
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
