Update- Got up early - said my prayers and devotionals. Went to the gym had a good workout. Came home walked my dog then did some job hunting. I have an interview with another company tomorrow. Met up with my Ss buddy dad. He said His Ware going to S and W and him were high school sweethearts and when she came out of school for dental hygene she was 40k in debt which he pretty much paid off. Now that he is struggling to find work because a lay off-she has gone and met a younger guy at the gym. He is hurting too. I had a healthy dinner with S then I went cycling in the hills for 2hrs did 48k. Funny thing happened - I was cycling headed up a hill into rain . I wanted to push myself as if this is my new journey uphill by myself. As I ride the top crest rain pours down at the same time a wave of emotion comes over me and I start to cry as if this is MY JOURNEY - one which I must conquer. Finished off my ride to have S waiting for me at the front asking me how it went. I said lets get you a bike and you can enjoy it too. To which he replied - No, I'm good!
It's moments like these that can give you strength to perservere.
Anyways tomorrow is another day - I have an interview and then the therapist with S and W.
Blessings and Stay Well!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
update Did my morning routine of prayers and went to the gym. Worked out and came home to prepare for my interview. In my opinion I think the interview was good- not by best interview but still solid. He said he would contact me next week for a followup. Went to therapist session with W and S. S was very systematic in his questioning almost lawyer like asking questions to lead a witness.
He started by stating that he was in alot of turmoil and pain. And that the mother he knew would do anything to take away the pain. Why not now? W said - I wish I could take away your pain but sorry I wasn't happy and I cannot live like that anymore. (Please note I know my job is to validate - But the therapist specifically told me to sit back and not say a word)
S then brings up a quote from his english teacher saying," to escape the pain you must go thru the pain" W says "I know you want your family like it was-I wish it could be different but I am still your mom. I love you and I want to help you". she did not even answer the question. He then said "Do you think you need to go to church because you haven't been going" "Now if you feel like following society and thinking is divorce ok- iI see why you stopped going" , he asked " How serious were you when you said till death do us part- What changed?" W said" When you start in a relationship everything looks good- you feel invincible. You do not see the other persons faults.Then life happens. Work, family obligations,deaths , births you grow and you change. It is not that I planned this out- sometimes you have to be willing to follow your heart. For me I feel I could not live like that anymore. Although there was no beating or abuse- I could not continue" S said "He personally feels it is selfish what W is doing and all she is doing is looking out for herself. That she hurt S she hurt dad and alot of people in her selfish actions" He also said "I feel lied to and betrayed"- In that she said she would try her best and do everything she could for her family- But even in the family trip to Hawaii earlier this year- she said she would try but he felt she just quit! Then S began to preach.S said " Open your heart to God because God is Love and if you have God in your heart then love lives there too! Once you have Love and God in your heart then you are open to the truth. The Truth is that God hates divorce. By not going to church you are not allowing God into your heart." So proud that he pays attention at church.
At one point he mentioned when she was home that she walked around emotionless like she did not care. Now this is the first time in about 6 months that I actually saw my W cry. She said " that it was a defense mechanism in order for her not to constantly break down. She has kept it all in (now she is full out crying a river) She says in her new apartment she is very lonely and she is not singing or dancing often times she cries herself to sleep. I was sitting in the love seat with her because it was the only seat and I was totally focused on being detached and calm but I felt a need to give her a kleenex and put my hand gently on her shoulder to show support. To which see sincerely looked over and said thanks.
Later in the session the therapist asks S to acknowledge W pain and if he would be open to spending time with W. To which he said he might. Therapist asks him would he be willing to spend a day a week or even a meal with her. S says he will try to do 1 meal a week.
The therapist then thanked me for being so calm and supportive. My response was simply- I only want whats best for my BOY!!
Thru out this whole session I am thinking BREATHE- DETACH-STAY CALM- VALIDATE and BE THE LIGHTHOUSE. For most part I think I passed although after hearing W statements- It may solidify my thoughts that she may be well and done. To this- I know that I must continue my journey of self improvement for me and S!!
Blessings!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Sounds like you got a good kid on your hands, LW. You should be proud. I cannot understand how some of these Ws I read about on here are so depressed and lonely once they leave. It was their choice to do so?!?! If it is that bad, why not go home and put in the work to have a happy life with your family. Seems like a no brainer for me, but then again, I do not have scrambled eggs for brains like Vanilla likes to say...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
update- Had a decent day so far. Said my prayers then I went for a 2 hr ride thru hills and trails. Came home had a bite with S cleaned up took a shower and went to church. Went to lunch with my S and 2 sisters and a niece. Then came home and S tells me that his mom is texting him daily but he will not respond. I downplayed it and said you do what you feel is best and I will support you. Did some clean up in the house and now gonna get prepared for tomorrow.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
These feelings that your son has toward his mother are not healthy.
Regardless of how you feel about her choice to leave you, I believe the relationship between your son and his mother should be encouraged and to that end, I believe you should take the highest road and tell him whatever you need to tell him to ensure that happens in terms of "Son, this is between Mom and Dad and it's not your battle to fight. Your Mom loves you." etc.
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
