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Originally Posted By: Ste7e
LW
this post kind of bums me out as it has your S going against his Mom this kind of thing will only grow into greater resentment from him to her. NO matter what happens between you and W they need to have a loving relationship and connection for life. I feel like you rewarded him for this kind of behavior which is not good behavior. This creates a bad dynamic of teaming up on W. I am speaking from experience here this is the type of stuff my dad would do when my parents split up and 30 years later I am in therapy to repair the relationship with my mom because of the seed of deceit he planted when I was young.


Ste7e I see your concern. And the rewarding him may have been on the border, but the kid has got to eat, right? smile

But seriously, I see LW's situation as so much more different than your experience. LW's S has seen through the WAW's deceit to see what is really going on here. That is what LW is proud of. I think LW, due to his love for his S and W would love to see them end up with a healthy stable relationship, no matter what happens with the MR. But at the same time that is up to S and W, not LW. From what he has posted here I see nothing to suggest he has encouraged his S to be angry or upset at his mom. Nor have I seen anything to suggest he is "sowing seeds of deceit" to paint her in a worse light.

What I've seen is an intelligent young man having maturity and understanding beyond his years to realize that his mom is wrong, and is destroying not only her MR but their family. Kids are pretty astute, and left to their own perception they can usually realize who is right and who is wrong. I've seen this with my own D, she has called me out on my past behavior and how it was destructive to both her and my relationship, as well as my MR. All that before she turns 15!

So yes, good to remind LW not to "team up" with S against WAW. But we need to acknowledge from what we know this hasn't occurred to this point.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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LoneWlf Offline OP
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Ste7e- Let me first say that although I do not agree with W is doing. I have not and will not slander my W to him.I will always treat the mother of my child with respect. And I have always said to my S to treat W with respect. I have also in my previous stitch mentioned to him that keeping in this anger within him is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die.I've talked to him about forgiveness in the context of our daily prayer. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. I have talked to my priest and also let my S talk with him. Upon which, My priest said he is able to comprehend what is happening and will deal with this in this own time.

The reason I feel he is hurt is because he has seen how I have treated my W. I have never yelled, screamed, swore or been violent to my W. He has seen me constantly shower her with compliments, acts of kindness and gifts (I know NGS). He is fully aware that there was little reciprocated. About 3 years ago I had got my W a Pandoras bracelet with some charms picked out by myself and S. We took her out to dinner and gave her gift. After this happened-S asked why does dad do all these things for you and you do not do much for him?
The subject was quickly changed and swept under the carpet.

I believe a child needs a relationship with his mom but i will not force feed it. I hope you understand my POV.


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Actually get out of the way of a non dependents child R with the other parent.

Otherwise it's just control.

There is no 'must' or 'need' be unconditional with a parent who doesn't deserve it.

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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LW sorry my post was not meant to come across as accusatory more of a be careful


M 40 W 34
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LoneWlf Offline OP
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Thank you for your support-I'm doing the best I can to remain calm and his foundation. I have a lot to still learn.

Ste7e- I accept your apology-Please know that I am Christian man. And my beliefs are based on Jesus' teachings. And His message was clear- To Love one another unconditionally as He loves us. To be slow to anger and to be quick to extend graces and forgive.
I will also say I human with alot of imperfections.


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Hi Wlf, It's your Dutch-Uncle.
Looking for an enabler? I'm not your guy.

Once again it seems like you are spreading your story in an attempt to control your W.
Stop using your S to control your W. Stop it.
If you are a Christian, and I believe you are. Focus on the fact that God has your Ss back. Support him and be the role model he needs to see.

Once and for all, tell your W what you want,..once,...and then pull away.

Notice I didn't say tell her family, tell the new friends at the ball field, use the family counselor to control her. If these don't apply? Fine, ignore. Don't start doing them.

This is Godly, sage advice and the last time I will say it.

Good luck, and God bless.


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

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LoneWlf Offline OP
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RR- as much as I appreciate your input- There is no need for defamation here.
I have NOT used my S to go against W. He is smart enough to know right from wrong.
There is no control over W - I have not been in contact with her for quite sometime. She is on her own now so I have pretty much gone dark.
I have not told her family- It was at MY family gathering that I felt attacked and needed to stand my ground.
It was a kids dad that approached me at the ball yard- my intent was to help.
RR please - as the board states -please don't mind read or make accusations. I'm here for support not to be judged!!


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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Posts: 816
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I'm not judging or mind reading at all.


M 53 W 54, M since 98
D15, D19
8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM
until 10/14
7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR
12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.

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LW, I meant to respond to your post about your SiLs ganging up. And I am sure it certainly felt like they were attacking. But I think it might help to understand their perspective as well.

I have mentioned my niece on this board before. She married a guy that we all adored. They were both young, but it was fun to help them get their lives started and to watch them go from a small apartment, to a bigger apartment, to a house. My niece's extended family was there to support and help them every step of the way. (I won't give her total S but she came from a very suboptimal situation with her father, and her immediate family (my sister and fam) lived far out of state.

We'll call her XH Andrew. We all adored Andrew. So when they separated in summer of 2016 we were all devastated. Turns out my niece had met someone at work, and had moved on from her MR. She was making terrible decisions, and while it affected Andrew the most, we all were affected by it. Family get-togethers became sad events because while she was ashamed of her behavior she wasn't attending, and of course having separated Andrew wasn't there either. We were all hurt and mourning.

Likely your SiLs are in pain. And while their pain pales in comparison to yours, they still feel a sense of loss. Likely these "attacks" were coming from a place of missing your W and that pain. And while I will not try to defend their actions, I hope understanding that when a spouse goes rogue, the pain they cause is far reaching and affects many more people than most people understand.

My W, D, and I still miss Andrews immensely. As do my other extended family members on my side. Including great aunts and uncles, and cousins, including those 2nd and 3rd removed! Divorce is so ugly because it rips a couple apart, but also rips people we care about out of our lives.

We've actually met with Andrew a couple of times since all of this went down. But it isn't the same. And as things get better between all of us and my niece, she shows her displeasure at our continued contact with Andrew. She lives with her new BF and they have a son. It is hard on all of us, I struggle with treating he BF with the same level of camaraderie that I did Andrew.

I hope this helps, while I know what you went through with your SiLs was difficult, likely that feeling of pain and loss is where it was coming from.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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LoneWlf Offline OP
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Steve85 thanks for your explanation. In my opinion my SILs i thought were not that close to my W. They said hi at get togethers and talked but they never really hung around each other. maybe they did and I never knew. Anyways it's always good to see it from another perspective .Thanks.


M51 w50
T-20Yrs M-16Yrs
S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up
1 Awesum dog
BD 10/31/17
separate rooms 02/08/18
wife moved out 05/17/18

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