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#2792144 05/25/18 06:52 AM
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Davide Offline OP
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Greetings MLC folks! I have been posting in the newcomers forum, but had a couple of MLC questions for the folks here.

My W has displayed a lot of symptoms of MLC, starting about 3 years ago when she turned 30, but intensifying in the year before BD when she really seemed to be entering the "replay" stage.

She is unhappy in the marriage but cant say way. She told me in repeated conversations that it is her not me, that it isnt about anything I did or am doing.
She starts going out with single friends more. Absolutely. Going back months she started going out more and more with the biking crew and now the climbers. She would stay out till two or three a.m without texting me and wonder why I was annoyed.
She tells me that she loves me but is not in love with me. She never used those exact words, but it is exactly what she meant.
Cut off in intimacy. We had sex two or at max three times since January until the separation, three months, and only once after her trip to (home country).
She says that she regrets getting married in the first place and implies that she got married too young.
She is working out more and more.
She wants out of the marriage and pushed for the separation.
She is not willing to work on the marriage.
She is heavily involved in new social groups.
She is spending money and traveling at a much higher rate than before.
She more or less seems to be acting like a spoiled teenager.
She is discontent with her life in general.
She came back from (home country) and started a completely new diet or cleanse, all raw food and plant based with no meat, alcohol, or processed food.

She is scared of getting old and wants to stay young. Even before things got bad she made remarks about not being able to accept the aging process. I kind of laughed and said it was an early MLC but I obviously underestimated the severity of her feelings.

In her comments to me she has indicated that she doesn't know who she is or why she is doing this.

However, I haven't seen a lot of the other symptoms. There has been no A, as far as I know. Also, she has not tried to rewrite our history at all - she recognizes that she loved me and I loved her. In fact she isn't trying to hide from her responsibility at all. She has repeatedly told me how guilty she feels about tearing the R apart. Artista is the only other poster I have seen own up to the responsibility as a WW. I have tried looking through other threads but have not seen a lot of that.

Does this occur with any regularity with MLCers? Or would that put her in a different category?


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.

Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-63, D30,S29


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Davide,

Each person will respond/react to their life transitions in many ways. Each person is unique, childhood traumas are unique and, of course, their personalities are their very own. Yes, many of them will exhibit similar behaviors, but you can't always go by the book here and check each one off.

Also, the stages for MLC are not linear. They can bounce back and forth and all around. I have a thought on your situation, she may not be experiencing a full blow MLC, but a life's transition. People go through them as teens, again at 20, etc. If they do not navigate these transitions completely, they may have a full blown MLC later on.

She may be in touch w/someone over in her country and she's not sharing that info w/you.....don't rule that possibility out.

Bottom line, protect your assets, i.e., keep an eye on your bank accounts and credit cards. If she starts to spend, you will need to set up a separate account and do what is necessary so that she doesn't spend everything you have.

Try to keep the focus on you. There is actually no set time frame for MLC because each person is unique. The guidelines that you see around here on such thing is just that...guidelines.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Davide Offline OP
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Job,

Thanks for the reply! For my W this definitely seemed brought on by turning 30. She has serious issues with aging, getting older, losing her youth. That was apparent earlier in our relationship, but it worsened greatly after 30. Does that make a difference in terms of how I treat her? I am in full-blown LTR, NC, 180s, and GALing. I have not had much of a chance to validate, but I have in the limited opps.

She certainly could have an EA with someone in her own country, but I doubt it. If anything, it would be with one of the climbers she hangs out with. That said, I have no reason to think that she is lying. Like I said, her reaction to this was to accept full responsibility and not pin anything on me (despite my codependency issues). Anything is possible for sure.

I have been monitoring our shared credit cards regularly, but she only uses those to buy gas. All of her other purchases are on her personal card, which I get for her privacy. I monitor our shared bank accounts, and can see that she has spent 1800 dollars over the past two months - mainly on a trip to NYC, I believe. If that number goes up significantly in the next month I will have to ask her about it.

Would you recommend separating accounts? I didn't want to take any of those steps because I feel like they are for her to take. We have discussed her buying a car, since I am taking the only one we have for the whole summer, and we set a budget. She also will need to pay for an apartment when she moves out and I come back. Her salary alone would only allow her to share with someone, but we have a good bit of accumulated savings (which I assume we will end up splitting in half).

I am still interested in hearing about my original question. Does it happen that people in MLC take responsibility for their actions even as they feel compelled to do them? That they actually bear the weight of their guilt? So much of what I seem to read on here is the exact opposite, WS who are hurl vitriol and blame on the LBS, or wallow in self-pity for the way they have been treated.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
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If you feel comfortable in leaving your finances the way they are, then do so...but keep a very, very close eye on them. If she is in MLC, you do not want to rely on her to separate the accounts....she won't do it. You have to remember, she's not the same person you know and love and could very well be acting out like a teenager. Your expectations need to be lowered to zero or pretty close to that.

To answer your actual question...they do feel guilt, but the urge to do the things that they do is stronger. They know right from wrong, but they feel entitled and will do whatever it takes to make themselves feel better. No, they do not take responsibility for their actions because, in their minds, it is everyone else's fault that they feel the way they so. However, some will admit how they felt during their crisis at the end of it and others will sweep it under the rug. Some apologize and others don't. But they are like kids and it is everyone else's fault.

I have one question...think back to 12-18 months ago...did something happen to her? New job, child graduating or a new baby, illness, death of a parent or someone that she was close to. Generally, a crisis is "triggered" by some event.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Davide Offline OP
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Thanks. I am comfortable at the moment but monitoring. I have impulses towards being controlling, so letting that go is part of my 180.

Regarding the triggers, there really isn't one life event that I can put my finger on other than her turning 30. She got a new job about 4 months before turning 30 and while that was a god-send at first, it has become hard for her because she is so isolated. She works from home and has little contact with other people, and it can be a high stress job. But that was 4 years ago. If there was a precipitating event it was more on my side as I fell into a bad depression about 9 months ago, and became very needy and codependent.

Thanks for the clarification on the guilt. I agree that she can be very childish at times, she was constantly talking about her own happiness and seemingly blaming the relationship for holding her back. Hopefully she realizes that being alone doesn't fill that hole either. So there is this strange dichotomy where she is unhappy and blames the marriage, but doesn't blame me. She thinks it is her problem, that she isn't cut out for marriage, or that she lost her love for me, and she beats herself up for it.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
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I think human nature is complex
She may be confused as long term R can become less exciting than they once were
Maybe she is in quarter life crises
she is young for MLC-- most posters wives here seem to be around 37 plus and the men usually 40 or so

Either way, you will know more as time goes on
It is a good idea to moniter the spending as they do tend to spend way more than they have
many will find their way in debt during the crises
The staying out late is a common trait along with no texting
wanting to move out ect

Try to focus on you
find some new hobbies, seek counseling and support
read, exercise, rest and sleep
make some plans with a friend-get dressed up and go out-a few times
try to validate her and give her space-

Sorry you find yourself here
hang in


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
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Davide Offline OP
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Thanks peace and job! I appreciate your wise council. I have been faithfully DBing for the past month and doing a lot of work on myself and my own issues. I know that is all I can control and I all seizing the opportunity!

Right now I am reading a great book called Finding Meaning in the 2nd Half of Life. It is psychoanalysis in the Jungian style. It has given me a lot of insight about bot my W and myself. There is one passage that just screamed out to me.

"The conflict and suffering that rises in R at midlife is an invitation to examine what agendas, dependencies, expectations, and sabatoging complexes are at work. Rather than accept this very onerous responsibility, it is much easier to blame or partners, or try to reform them, or leave them."

That hit home for me. My W clearly needed a d eeds to go on that journey but found it easier to blame the R.

I would still love to hear from some of the former WW/WAW around here on the possibility of a WAW in MLC taking responsibility.

Last edited by job; 05/26/18 11:31 AM. Reason: edited a sentence for poster

W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
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I would suggest that you go back over to Newcomers and read Sandi's postings. I believe you will find some answers in her postings concerning the WAW taking responsibility for their actions, etc.

Whether your w is a WAW or a MLCer, the methods/techniques we use will be the same, i.e., giving them time and space to figure things out. As to whether they take responsibility for their actions/behavior will be up to them and sometimes we do not discover that they own up to those actions until the very end.

Right now, your focus needs to be on you and how you plan to move forward w/life as you know it at the moment.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

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