One question I do have now is that although my W was very cold in regards to intimacy. I always felt rejected and unloved. It seemed as if she was not into it but what she constantly did was read Nora Roberts romance novels. After picking up a book and reading a couple pages it seems like soft porn.
I use to read those type of books all the time. It was a substitute for the lack of intimacy in my MR. What happens is, the woman's imagination places her in the story. She becomes the female character in the novel, and she feels whatever the author describes the fictional character as having. When she finishes reading the book, then she continues to fantasize about the male character. Same thing as watching a movie and fantasizing about the actor. Only, I believe it more extensive than just a passing sexual fantasy. It is developing a story line between the fictional character that continues on a daily basis, or until another one takes its place. It's all imaginary, and nobody is the wiser, but it begins affecting the woman's feelings for her H. This is what is called imaginary affairs.
When a W does not get her emotional needs met, she is left vulnerable. She feels an emotional void. Anyway, she starts reading love stories, b/c she craves romance. Book after book, she reads about these fictional male characters. She may have started with fairly innocent type of romantic stories, but her need for more sexually explicit scenes intensify.......b/c it is filling a void in her. She may not realize it, but she's only making things worse.
I doubt many H's would give it a second thought.....or may even laugh it off, if they were told their W was having an IA. However, the seriousness is in how it affects her emotionally and carries over into her reality. It's how it works in losing her attraction and respect for her H.
Whether or not she intentionally compares her H to the book's male character, her mind is pointing out how the H falls short. That, alone, can cause loss of admiration and respect for him. She craves for this romance she is reading about in these books. Not many H's can compare to the male character in a novel. I wonder if it would be comparable to how some men expect their W's to sexually act the way they see actresses perform in sex scenes. It's just not the same in reality.
When the woman becomes addictted to these romantic novels, it also sets up a format in her soul for having an EA/PA in the future. In other words, her craving becomes greater, which leaves her more vulnerable.
I don't think I have heard of men reading romance novels and having an IA. Maybe it's just not as common as with women, IDK. Again, I believe it has a lot to do with how we are wired. I have waited in doctors' offices many times, and I have never seen a man reading a paperback romance novel.....but there is usually a woman engrossed in one.
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Why could she not transfer her desires to me?
Some H's may be okay with his W using him for sex, while desiring another guy in her mind. But I think you are asking why she couldn't transfer her "feelings" to you. I am not qualified to give you a satisfactory answer. I'll just tell you that women are not wired the same as men. We don't think categorically like men. We can't separate our feelings, like men, or transfer our desires from one man to another. We desire one man at a time.
I'm not saying she couldn't get turned on by watching porn and then want to have sex with her H. That is more like physical gratification. A woman's "desire" goes deeper and is more complexed. A woman has a main object (man) of her emotional desire. She might have sex with her H, while she fantasizes about her main object of emotional desire (OM).....but that doesn't mean she has transferred her feelings of desire....IMHO. She is simply using her H's body as a substitute for the one she really wants.
Some may disagree, but I believe a woman is wired to love/desire one man at a time. If her desire is not her H, it will begin to show in the marital bed. She may submit to having sex with him, but she avoids open mouth and/or tongue kisses. He eventually notices she just doesn't seem as interested......maybe wants to hurry and get it over. Then, she begins avoiding sex altogether. To discourage her H from initiating sex, she will often give off cold signals, give excuses, etc. It eventually leads to a SSM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Tank you Sandi -Your words make perfect sense to me .I initially thought noting of it. Guess it was a ticking time bomb because she would spend 80% of her free time reading this.
My next question is - is there any coming back from this? Or will I ever measure up to her expectations? How does one rebound from this situation?
On a positive note - I've been getting alot more comments at the gym about my looks and personality.. Hopefully it is a sign of my confidence coming back.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Thank you Sandi -Your words make perfect sense to me .I initially thought nothing of it. Guess it was a ticking time bomb because she would spend 80% of her free time reading this.
My next question is - is there any coming back from this? Or will I ever measure up to her expectations? How does one rebound from this situation?
On a positive note - I've been getting alot more comments at the gym about my looks and personality.. Hopefully it is a sign of my confidence coming back.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
One question I do have now is that although my W was very cold in regards to intimacy. I always felt rejected and unloved. It seemed as if she was not into it but what she constantly did was read Nora Roberts romance novels. After picking up a book and reading a couple pages it seems like soft porn. Why could she not transfer her desires to me?
I agree with all that sandi2 has said. I would add that this may well be a valuable symptom of the MR problems. W was getting something from those books that she didn't get from you. Think about this. If you are to recon this will be a major area of focus. IMO, it is good news. So many of us have no idea where to start.
Wolf, several posts have mentioned alpha male within a relationship. If I were you, this would be a major focus of my GAL. Read all I could. Filter out the "pick-up" stuff. But I have read how most of us guys are "a way", whatever that way may be, when our spouse became interested. And we morph into something we think our spouses want, which far from what they fell in love with in the first place. We do it to keep the peace or to be the partner than we think they want. We couldn't be farther from the truth. Think about how you were when you two met. How have you changed?
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
My next question is - is there any coming back from this? Or will I ever measure up to her expectations? How does one rebound from this situation?
I just don't know. If it wasn't for her interest in the new age stuff, I would venture to say there was a chance of coming back. It sounds as if she is really taken with it. In time, she may be able to change her opinion, but some never do, b/c it opens the doors to other dark avenues.
Let's say she told you she wanted to come home, but she would not give up the new age practices. As a Christian, and the man over your home, you would need to make a decision whether or not you would allow her to bring the practices and influences into your home. Once she is back in the home, it will be much harder to prevent her from implementing the practices under your roof. Know what I mean? We are not talking about a different denomination of Christian churches here, or even a different religion believing in God. We are talking about practices that the scripture strictly forbids. Remember when the Hebrew men married foreign women who worshipped idol gods, and the H's allowed the W's to bring their idols into the home.
As for her coming back from the stronghold the novels have in her life, it is definitely possible. Anything is possible. ( I am such a realist that I often sound negative when I am trying to point out things). I was able to recognize the source that was feeding my fantasies and negately comparing my H to these fictional characters. I knew, but sadly, I did not act upon it until much later. After I ended my A, I destroyed all the books I had collected and even those I had not yet read. I have not looked at another romantic novel in eleven years. That might sound ridiculous to some people, but anything can be a source of weakness.
Whenever a W begins to negatively compare her H to any other man, the MR is in trouble. The H usually doesn't know, b/c this is all kept in the W's heart. It adds to her list of resentments and growing feelings of disrespect for him as a man. She feels an emotional void from her H, and reading novels seems to feed her something, at least. She may start with rather innocent type of stories, but eventually, her taste for more sexually explicit books become the norm. It's b/c she no longer finds excitement and romance in her MR, and she gets a certain amount of excitement by throwing herself into these novels. However, it goes into a downward spiral, b/c the more she loses herself in this fantasy world, the more problems it creates.
Back to your question, yes, it is possible to come back from this situation. Most anything is possible. However, I think it will mostly hinge on what your WW does. I would hate to see you waiting and holding your breath, b/c I think it will take her a long time, if she gets her eyes opened. She has ventured off into dark waters. You can be the lighthouse that shines the beam of light. You can't force her to follow the light. Just shine, and let her swim to shore.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
from RR Wolf, several posts have mentioned alpha male within a relationship. If I were you, this would be a major focus of my GAL. Read all I could. Filter out the "pick-up" stuff. But I have read how most of us guys are "a way", whatever that way may be, when our spouse became interested. And we morph into something we think our spouses want, which far from what they fell in love with in the first place. We do it to keep the peace or to be the partner than we think they want. We couldn't be farther from the truth. Think about how you were when you two met. How have you changed?
RR you are totally right when she met me I was so confident so full of self respect and then as you say I morphed into something else. I will definitely do the research on Alpha male. funny thing - I train dogs and I should know alpha male characteristics. Nevertheless - I have home work.
From Sandi2 Let's say she told you she wanted to come home, but she would not give up the new age practices. As a Christian, and the man over your home, you would need to make a decision whether or not you would allow her to bring the practices and influences into your home. Once she is back in the home, it will be much harder to prevent her from implementing the practices under your roof. Know what I mean?
If she wanted to come home part of my formula to return would be to do a Christian faith based MC and to place God front and center where He belongs. In other words- If you are asking me to choose between my W and God- there is no choice. So this would be a deal breaker.
From Sandi2 Back to your question, yes, it is possible to come back from this situation. Most anything is possible. However, I think it will mostly hinge on what your WW does. I would hate to see you waiting and holding your breath, b/c I think it will take her a long time, if she gets her eyes opened. She has ventured off into dark waters. You can be the lighthouse that shines the beam of light. You can't force her to follow the light. Just shine, and let her swim to shore.
For me the plan will be on self improvement- no matter what. my priest said to me that this is still your W. You married for good and for bad, in sickness and in health -till death do you part. He said you made this covenant before God , your family and friends. He then mentioned when you got married you became one flesh. Now he says- lets analyze this.. if you had a bad hand and it was starting to get infected . would you just cut off your hand? I said, -of course not! He stated your wife is that infected hand you must do your best to treat it and deal with it. always dealing with respect and dignity. No matter if the W is sick physically - mentally or spiritually . she is still your W . This will be taken care of in God's time not your time.
So it is now my faith in God and to give Him full control and to just focus on being the best me. For all that are here I hope the same for you. Blessings!! and stay well!!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I was at my niece's birthday party at my brothers this past weekend. I have a big family -2 of my brothers and their partners were there with their kids and my sister who has never married.
On a side note my brothers are not as religious as I am and do not attend mass regularly. My one brother who's home we are at is divorced. He met his current partner at work ( she's divorced) and I suspect he might have been with her before his D was finalized.
Anyways I was with the adults outside on the back porch. The kids were in the basement playing not able to hear us. So the conversation goes to my son and how he is coping. I let them know that he is struggling but I am doing my best to be his foundation because he is so angry at W. The 2 ladies then start to get a little hostile almost accusing me of making my son hate his mom. I got on the defensive and stated that my S is very smart and fully aware of what happened. Both SIL then make the assumption that since my W walked there must have been a problem with me. One SIL even said my W would talk to her about being unhappy for some time. Funny thing is -why would W not talk to me. I responded by stating there was no beating no cheating no abuse. We had some R problems that with the proper help and attitude would be repairable but W just quit. My beliefs do not include divorce. we attended mass every Sunday.
My SIL whos divorced -pipes up well when I was married - There was none of that ( beating , cheating or abuse)but my exH worked 16 hour days and I left with just my paycheck. My 2 brothers sat back and I felt attacked as these people were making a statement that it's ok to D under any circumstance. I left the conversation and needed the time to clear my head. Looks like I don't even have the support of my family. So much for that. that was a rough nite. It seems my W might have been talking to these SIL at get at family functions and may still be in contact. (If you been reading my stitch- these are a different SIL then the one my W sees regularly). Guess I won't be hanging out there much.
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
I got on the defensive and stated that my S is very smart and fully aware of what happened. Both SIL then make the assumption that since my W walked there must have been a problem with me. One SIL even said my W would talk to her about being unhappy for some time. Funny thing is -why would W not talk to me. I responded by stating there was no beating no cheating no abuse. We had some R problems that with the proper help and attitude would be repairable but W just quit. My beliefs do not include divorce. we attended mass every Sunday.
Not sure if this will fall on deaf ears, but here goes. WLF, please understand, I, we are here as your advocate in this sitch.
You are not to discuss your sitch with family. An alpha male would not tolerate these SILs disrespect. BTW, something IS wrong with you. Something is wrong with W too. These are not topics for discussion at the nieces BDay party. Period
If you have a trusted friend than take it to them. DO NOT DISCUSS WITH THE FAMILY. Not if you have any desire to possibly recon.
Do you want to be right or try to give this MR a chance? Because people are going to choose sides regardless of what you tell them. They are.
Praying for you.
M 53 W 54, M since 98 D15, D19 8/2013 discovered EA, W maintained contact with OM until 10/14 7/2/17 W said she wanted S, 7/25/17 moved out of MBR 12/17 W says moving out 5/18, W still in home.
I left the conversation and needed the time to clear my head. Looks like I don't even have the support of my family. So much for that. that was a rough nite. It seems my W might have been talking to these SIL at get at family functions and may still be in contact. (If you been reading my stitch- these are a different SIL then the one my W sees regularly). Guess I won't be hanging out there much.
I think it is unwise to discuss your sitch in the presence of any of your in-laws.......especially the women. Even if you spoke only to your brothers, they are likely to say something about it to their W's, especially if the W is digging for information. You cannot trust your SIL's not to tell your WW, or to work on her behalf.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
